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How best to handle living separate lives

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TryingHard2Change, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. Couples here on NoFap live out their life-through-recovery in so many different ways. Some separate quickly..some separate and then come back together (some don't come back together)..many stay together and go through all the up's and down's of a successful or unsuccessful recovery.

    For me and my situation, back in June 2017, we called it being "effectively separated"...but in reality, my wife wanted Real Seapartion (and real fast).

    We didn't get to the real separation fast. Actually, it's still a couple weeks away... but it is certainly coming.

    The point of this thread is to ask out loud how should PA handle the actual living out of separate lives, in the same house (or in separate homes). We've been doing an official in-house separation since February 2, 2018. But my wife's desire to be oh-so-SEPARATE from me .... it has made me -- just plain sad is the best way I can describe it. And I don't know how best to deal with that.

    How should a husband of 21 years react to his wife wanting truly nothing to do with him? Even the good, positive things of life that have nothing to do with the relationship or any tension between husband and wife, those things are not shared, those things are not enjoyed. How should a husband feel when his wife just doesn't care to tell him even good positive news?

    Do I have a specific thing in mind? Of course.

    Last night I saw my ten-year-old son holding a little thing. It looked like a square credit card or some weird business card type thing. And it turned out to be a really cool thing that my wife did last quarter in school, a couple months ago now. It was a collection of her portrait photography...turned into a fan like contraption that folds out. It was really, really cool. My son has seen it; my kids knew about it. But I knew nothing about it.

    I wasn't mad. I was just really sad, and maybe a little bit hurt.. My wife works on a cool little project for her master's degree. And I see her from time to time in her office, we talk about whatever is going on, sometimes about her school work. But this was obviously a project that took some time, and when it was completed and she ordered it and these things showed up, I never knew about it. What day was it when this arrived in the mail and she opened up the package and saw these amazing things--- no thought or desire to share something positive that she had accomplished with me?

    Living such separated lives. Not something I'm a huge fan of. But that is the reality of our relationship.

    And now..on the precipice of actually moving out / living separately -- already so very-much-separated-anyway....just lots to think about.


    So, to all the couples who are NOT working hard at the relationship--but rather are working hard at being separated so the betrayed spouse/partner can heal ... How does the PA best handle being so separate?
  2. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    TH2C, I am so sorry. I know this isn’t what you want for your lives and I’m not convinced it’s the best situation for your marriage, but at this point it doesn’t matter. That’s the way things are happening. What can you do? How can you deal? First of all, it’s ok to grieve. No matter how this turns out in the end is beside the point at present. Your wife has been grieving for quite some time and to a degree, you have too. But this takes things to a different level. You are being forced to face the consequences of your actions. (Not just yours, because I believe your wife also had a choice about how she responds). But definitely this is a time for grieving. BTW, this doesn’t negate the progress you’ve made, so don’t drown your sorrows with PMO or any other addictive behavior. The new you is, I think, one of the things that is making all of this harder for her. If you were still actively pursuing the addiction and ignoring her, it would be much easier for her to make the decision to call it quits. So continue your recovery. Stay active with your NoFap community. You need the support and the occasional kick in the pants. What else can you do? IMO, I would say to advocate for your marriage every chance you get. Whether or not the continuation of your marriage is the final outcome, you know it SHOULD be the final outcome. So, I think you should have some input into the negotiation of the terms of this separation, especially with regard to its length and its goals. The logistics of it are a much lesser concern. I would also say you should continue to treat your wife with love and respect. It’s hard to manage a family the size of yours with two parents in the home, near impossible for one, so she and the kids need your ongoing input, whatever that looks like. Take my advice or not. You’ll be in my prayers. Like many of us here, you are a good man, but not a perfect man. You’ve done some bad things, but you’ve also done and continue to pursue what is good and right.
  3. Thanks @Unhooked ... good words as always.

    I want to share some other words that a NoFap friend sent me via Conversations...he wrote a lot to me, but these sentences stuck out:
    * as addicts, we're responsible for managing our own recoveries

    * All any of us can ever do is keep working on ourselves, improving ourselves, and being there as much as we can for the people in our lives

    * from where I'm sitting I see you doing everything you can. It may not be enough to heal the rift that is currently in your marriage, but it's more than enough to keep you clean and free from addiction--that's what you can control.

    That is what I need to stay focused on...staying clean from PM'ing / my recovery, which looks like continuing to be outward-focused, helping other, service / and just being a good dad, a good employee, worker and being a good human being.
  4. Very well said. You're nearing 300 days, and that's clearly a respectable accomplishment. Keep hanging in there.
  5. Lapirata48

    Lapirata48 Fapstronaut

    I especially liked what @Unhooked said, "Not just yours, because I believe your wife also had a choice about how she responds). But definitely this is a time for grieving." And it's ok and healthy to grieve. Every woman is different. Your journal is the most open book journal I've seen. Nobody is perfect and I say this with all sincerity, You've done an incredible job doing everything possible since coming clean to help your wife, kids and yourself and strive for reconciliation. At this point I think, and this is strictly my opinion, is that your wife is unwilling or unable to forgive as of yet and you are doing your best to make the best of an unfortunate situation. I hope that is encouraging.
  6. Thanks.
  7. The movie Castaway comes to mind
    With Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt.

    The acceptance parts of that movie and how people get to that point and move forward were poinent.

    Such a process to get to that point.

    Change is here.
    May you be the best you!
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018
  8. Yes.
    Hard to accept that becoming a better person can create many new problems. But that seems to be a recurrent theme in life, in literature and scripture.
    Trappist likes this.
  9. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

    I'm truly sorry you have to go through this and while I can't fully understand what you are going through I can say from experience that some times as hard as it is you need to Love someone enough to let them go. I suspect this will be more of a challenge for you where you have a family and Loving someone enough to let them go takes a very long time to accept, but you don't know what the future will bring. This doesn't mean you are giving up, you are simply accepting the current turn of events and seeing how they play out.

    You may find happiness with your Wife again or you may find it with someone else... who knows. Regardless you have to respect what she wants.

    My SO and I have never lived together (perhaps some day, but who knows for sure) and it works for us. We make sure to do things together like dedicate each Saturday to us. Only time will tell how this plays out and anything can work for you and against you at the same time.

    Good luck!
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  10. namocir

    namocir Fapstronaut

    I read your post about you relationship and I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I'm worried that this could happen in my marriage as well. I've been with my wife for 17 years and married for nearly 16 years. All I can says is never give up on your marriage if there is anything that can be done, do it. But, ultimately it is up to your wife to forgive. All we can do is become better men and move forward. Be a strong father for your kids they will always need you.
  11. Lapirata48

    Lapirata48 Fapstronaut

    Also want to say everything is possible with God.
    Deleted Account likes this.

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