How can I deal with thoughts about my ex-girlfriend

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Nagual, Jan 11, 2019.

  1. Nagual

    Nagual Fapstronaut

    Hello fellow rebooters,

    I have a problem in my life/reboot that I would like to share with you all. It bothers me a lot and I would appreciate every comment and advice.
    Almost exactly one year ago I have met my ex-girlfriend. She is a very kind person and we connected soon. To that time I werent a virgin, but I never had a serious relationship with a girl. She, on the other hand, was living 15 min away from my house and we did go to the same college. We spent almost every day together and our relationship was beautiful.
    To that time I already was Porn addict and did PMO almost daily and to an extent I could often not get full hard while I made love with my girlfriend. I really felt stupid, having a beautiful girlfriend I had regularly sex 3-5 times a week but still masturbate like an idiot and destroying my libido.
    However, time passed and we both finished our higher education entrance qualification and had to make future plans. While I decided to make an extra year on college to extend my qualification for my dream study program, she decided to study in a city 12 hours away. Her parents also moved away at that time so she had almost no choice. We both agreed to end the relationship because our ways in life will just further separate.

    The break up was really hard for me and I started binging to porn. I tried to kill my libido so I wont have sexual thoughts about her, but PMO made me just more fall in the hole. Therefore in Novemeber I tried to tackle my problem and started NoFap more serious than ever. Since then I make great progress, for example PMO is for me not a habbit anymore. My streaks get longer and I feel again more joy in life.

    But what still bothers my so much are my thoughts on my ex-girlfriend. They are even the most significant reason for relapsing. For example the anniversary day I met her, or the day after she made a visit. These thoughts about her make me feel so sad. Not just that I miss the past, I often have thoughts about the future if I will ever find someone like her again. Worst of all I almost every second day have sexual dreams about her. After waking up I feel devastated.

    Do you know any advice how to overcome these thoughts? Should I quit contact with her? How to get rid of these sexual dreams with her?

    thank you for your time reading this.
  2. Voxquintinious

    Voxquintinious Fapstronaut

    I think the first step is to quit contact with her. I know it sucks but I'm pretty sure it will be for the best.

    I would tell her that you need time to heal and grow and can't talk to her. If she respects your decision then maybe down the road your can restart a relationship (whatever that looks like, friends, partners, spouse, etc.)

    If she still contacts you, after you've asked her not to and explained why. Then delete her number and unfriend/unfollow social.
    Deleted Account, Capt. U and Nagual like this.
  3. MrDetermination

    MrDetermination Fapstronaut

    Unfollow (if necessary for that: unfriend) her on social media. Regarding sexual dreams: you can't control that, just let some time go, and it will go away. I would advise focusing on an activity not related to her, now that you have more time for yourself.
    E.G: play a music instrument, learn a new language, try a new sport ... anything, as long as you like it and it keeps you busy!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut


    And this.

    Both are fully right in what they are saying. Trust me, every single way of contacting her makes your life noticeably worse and you probably wont open up for someone new either.

    Get rid of every single picture you have, on the walls, phone, laptop, everything. Block her on facebook, delete her number and get a new phonecard so you have a new number and she cant contact you anymore.
    Delete your facebook search so her name wont pop up anymore, delete your phones keyboard memory so her nicknames wont accidentally pop up either.

    The second you still have something that reminds you of her, your brain will hang on to that.
    You must let go, for yourself to heal and have a better life.

    And make no mistake, you are probably going to cry a lot. And you are supposed to, thats why we have this ability.

    Cry for an hour, two, cry for a full day if you feel like it.
    I cant tell you how long it will take. But take your time and focus on things that make you better.
    Listen to a lot of motivational videos on youtube, they will build you up and give you strengh is this terrible time.

    Les Brown, Will Smith, Tony Robbins, Alan Watts, Vishen Lakhiani and Elliot Hulse will help you out with that.

    You are not alone. We are here to help you through all of this.
  5. Clarke

    Clarke Fapstronaut

    I broke up with my girlfriend about 8 months ago and it was rough for a few months. I didn't snap out of it until she called me out of the blue because she wanted me back. You might need some closure on the matter. If it wasn't a bad break up try to contact her and see how you're both feeling and go from there.
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  6. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    Bad breakups are so much easier to disconnect from then when you have to break up with someone who didnt do anything wrong but just isnt the right one for you.
    That shit is fkn horrible mate.
    What happened after she called you and told you she wants you back?
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  7. Clarke

    Clarke Fapstronaut

    Told her to get fucked and counted it as a proper win.
    justafriend likes this.
  8. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    When I think about my ex-girlfriend, I imagine her face twisting into a smiling dead version of my face, that makes me realize that I am just a guy laying in a dark room thinking about things that will never happen. I feel really bad afterwards but the thoughts stop for enough time for me to think about something else.
  9. Coolyorky

    Coolyorky Fapstronaut

    Stop contacting her mate. It’s not healthy. She’ll be seeing somebody else now and if he sees your messages it could make problems for her
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  10. ReZen8ster

    ReZen8ster Fapstronaut

    Your an educated smart guy and your young and have your whole future. Just be positive about the fact that someone else is out here for you and you will find each other. Take you experiences and learn from them.
    Coolyorky likes this.
  11. Hi Nagual!
    So what you are experiencing is called the guilt complex. You start having regrets about the bad things you did and nostalgia for the good times you had, blaming yourself for the eventual collapse of that system of reward you had because of a lack of self control.
    Nagual, I'm here to let you know that you don't have to blame yourself. You are every bit responsible for the part you played in creating your situation, but nobody, and I mean nobody, expects you to torture yourself over your regrets. Remember, you may regret what happened, she may have no idea about it unless you told her. That makes these emotions part of you and no one else. That means that you can change them to suit your needs. I'll explain more later.
    As far as these sexual thoughts go, I've had a similar experience where I was deep in regret about a relationship and so had wet dreams about my ex for several weeks after we broke up. I had never dreamed about her that way before. I believe I was projecting my guilt onto her memory and my mind was then trying to overcome that guilt by sustaining me in some kind of fantasy, both emotionally and sexually. I was only able to gain control of my guilt and regret when I admitted to myself that I was partly responsible for the breakup (not blaming!) and that I needed to take steps to change. That was over a year ago, almost thirteen months after we broke up.
    So how do we change these emotions to suit our needs? We start by saying that for whatever wrong we did, we fully recognize it as wrong, and spend time thinking about WHY it was wrong. Then, we admit to ourselves that we honestly and fully forgive ourselves for whatever we did. After that, we take steps towards changing our behavior so next time, whether it's with her or not, we can do a lot better, not just for her, but us too. I think a big part of this guilt comes from a desire to show respect for our loved ones during sex but the inability to express that respect because our fantasies are inherently disrespectful, because even when we fantasize normal fantasies, in our minds we focus on the lack of boundaries involved in having control of someone inside our heads. We then continue to pmo because it's the only thing we can think of that gets us off without challenging our emotions too much.
    You gotta realize, it's all in your head. Yeah, sure, you got problems, but only for the time being. One day you're gonna be in a spot where you don't have to think about this stuff as much, but you'll practice what you learned every day. For the time being, just remember you don't owe her anything and she doesn't owe you anything. That's just pure love right there.
    Best of luck to you,
  12. Landser

    Landser Fapstronaut

    Exactly in your position but with girlfriend of 4 years... We were coming back together and separating like 3 times... One day i decided to just block her and move on. Yeah I'm just a shadow of my former self but its bearable.. I hope you find strength and overcome this mate...
    Capt. U and ReclaimedLife like this.
  13. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    This is so strong.
    I am always amazed to see how men apparentely suffer much longer and more intense after a breakup. I met a girl recently and she told me she is able to move on to the next guy within two weeks, sometimes it takes a month. Their ability to deal with those emotions seem to far exceed ours, no matter how well we are prepared for the breakup.

    This forum really is a blessing in seeing how other people deal with similar problems and to be able to find new ways to better our lives, together.
  14. Sounds like men in general need to get over themselves. The problem of breaking up has been around forever and it's not going anywhere. Yeah, it took me a while to get over my ex, but it was only 90 days before I was ready to move on to other things. That definitely could have been shorter and I wouldn't be less of a person if it was.
    alfianlight and ReclaimedLife like this.
  15. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    Well... think of it like this...
    If you knew for a fact that you had other options outside of you GF, and you can have sex with a girl you like and find attractive within two weeks, would you really need 90 days? Would you even need longer then those two weeks?
    I think the lack of options for other beautiful girls is what cripples a man the most after a breakup.
    I have a friend who can literally have several beautiful girls after a breakup. And he moved on from his past relationship within a week.
    Its so fascinating because most of us never tap into that feeling that you KNOW the current girl can easilty be replaced by a new one of similar or better quality.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. I was only talking about getting over. It's less about quality than it is about the relationship. I would have to build that up over time with them over time, which probably should take longer than getting over.
  17. Sajatulalam

    Sajatulalam Fapstronaut

    Google Cory Wayne and buy his book ‘How to be 3% man’ Also, don’t forget to google Jordan Peterson!!!!
  18. I've heard of this new concept of the alpha male and, I have to say, if I wanted my neighbors to know how small my dick was I would just tell them.
    The only part about me that demands respect is in the way I treat other people, and I have no interest in conforming to a standard designed to put others down.
    Being an alpha male is the same thing as being a feminist, just with the power set to the opposite gender.
    I have no need to identify as something other than myself in order to get a sense of power, nor do I need to treat others different to get the same effect. I feel powerful on a daily basis just for the kind, considerate, intelligent, empathetic, thoughtful, caring decisions I make lacking in cowardice. That manly enough for ya?

    And yeah, I do think most things these day, like the way people talk, are biased in favor of men, just because of where we came from. The difference between me and a feminist is that I don't excuse anybody, not even myself. What in particular could possibly be wrong with that?
  19. Sajatulalam

    Sajatulalam Fapstronaut

    You are speaking for yourself here buddy which is totally fine because you’re open to your opinions but don’t you think what you’ve said sounds a bit arogent? I’ve been reading books and watching videos of these 2 Men that I’ve mentioned and their works have been helping me in so many ways like understanding women, relationships, why they blow off nice guys and tons of other things to improve your life in general and I’m still learning and trying to better myself little by little every single day and I want they same for everyone. Again, to everyone who’s reading this, I suggest them to google Corey Wayne and Jordan Peterson and search their work!! Finally, stay away from negative energies! Peace out hermanos✌
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2019
    Deleted Account likes this.
  20. You got me, I have no clue what what you've shared is about. I saw something similar mentioned somewhere else and in the context of that situation it seemed really ignorant. It was wrong of me to apply situation that to this one without investigating.
    Sajatulalam likes this.

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