How can I handle the strong urges

So, a bit of background: I'm a 20yo single man, currently unemployed (it's very difficult to find work in my area at this time of year) and in a recess from college. I broke up with my ex by the end of november; I used to have sex (and relapse, probably due to chaser effect + the toll that the relationship was taking on my mental health) very frequently during that relationship. After it was over, though, I still struggled to have a streak that was over 4 days or such. Recently, though, I got a bit of momentum and managed to go on a 14 day streak (which just ended on the 15th day). It may not seem like much, but that's progress for me.
I did (and do), however, want to go further than that. My goal is to completely eliminate pornography from my life and drastically reducing masturbation, but I'm not officially on monk mode (no sex). However, I'm also taking an attitude to try and not actively chase women for a while since I have a history of heavily romanticizing love, romantic interests and relationships to the point that it obfuscates everything else in my life. I am, however, still open to maybe making a move on a girl if I feel like we might hit it off or to maybe try a relationship with someone I feel like would genuinely help me grow in this weird period of my life. Since I'm far from being considered attractive, that means, in practice, no sex for a little while, though I'm still technically open to it and don't see a reason not to be (in a healthy way and frequency, of course; I'm talking about sex with someone I care about in a moderate frequency).
Therefore, I guess I am practically doing monk mode. I did it for 14 days and it mostly went well, but in the last two or three days the urges were just insane. I felt electric, there's no better way to put it. Everything around me triggered me, I felt urges to go to places (the kinds of places you have to pay...) and do stuff, which is an idea that I've never done and quite frankly never will.
Honestly, it felt like I hit a point where abstinence just felt wrong. And I know this was mostly just pmo trying to pull me back, and I gave in today, but have you ever reached a point when abstinence felt more destructive than constructive? For most of the streak, abstinence felt really good. For the last 3 days, though, it started feeling pretty bad. Today it felt like hell. I worked out and took a walk afterwards (that lasted anywhere from 2~3 hours) and when I got home I was still triggered af. My question is: how do I deal with urges so strong without orgasming? How do you guys do it and what am I doing wrong? I know that I'm supposed to just learn to feel the urge and not do anything about it (which is what I did for the whole streak up until this point), but what do you do when you feel like you just can't anymore?

This is definitely gonna sound pretty dumb/wimpy to most of the people in here (I'm still wallowing in that post-relapse frustration), but I'd really appreciate some advice here. Thanks, wish you the best

 

Thanks for the reply, for sharing your experience, and for the advice.
I actually do already meditate (10-20 mins a day of guided meditation a day). It's most definitely been helping me a lot, not just with nofap but with many other aspects of my life as well. I'm a very anxious person (something I've been trying to tackle with an active lifestyle, therapy and medication), so sometimes it's a bit difficult, but I have been consitent with it for a few weeks now.
About abstinence, though, I have to admit I have doubts (as in, I'm still not 100% convinced I want to go full-on monk mode; I don't even think I want to eliminate masturbation, as I said). I gotta make up my mind on this. I'm open to changing my views, aswell; it's all about learning and bettering myself. The one thing I'm hellbent on is eliminating porn, really, but I guess the rest could use some thinking.
Thanks. I might ask for more help or for some education on retention and abstinence in this part of the forum in the future. Wish you the best, we're gonna make it.

 

Thanks for the reply. I don't think I can do it all day long or every single day, but I can do it more than I have been doing it, I suppose. Only problem is that I feel like it sort of interacts with my anxiety and I become this ball of electricity that can't sit still and do only one thing (apart from a relapse) to save its life. I'm still not 100% sure I'm gonna completely eliminate masturbation (while I don't have access to sex, that is). I'll try it again and give it another honest attempt and see how things go when I reach the mark I did last time (day 15 or so).
Being honest here, the one prospect that kind of scares me a little is giving up entirely on sexuality without a partner. I think that maybe allowing masturbation as a last ditch effort to avoid a relapse with porn might help me stay away from pornography, which is the one thing I'm 100% sure has to go.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes, and I should have done it on the day of the relapse, most definitely. There were options; they weren't ideal, but there were definitely other routes I could have taken to avoid relapsing. I think I'll give this full on monk mode another honest shot (this last one was an honest effort, though I messed up when I most definitely shouldn't have) and avoid masturbation as well, and though I know that self-pleasure can most definitely become a relapse-reinforcing mechanism if left unchecked, I still see it as the (far) lesser of two evils.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I know that's the key and I know I'm getting better at it, just gotta be more focused and don't mess up as much.

 

Thanks. Yes, I need to double down on the meditation, and doing breathing exercises is also something I can easily incorporate into my routine. Yeah, I haven't looked much into transmutation, but I do know that a more active lifestyle helps immensely with staying on the path. You're spot on; lust is really difficult to deal with, especially given that it also interacts with other sensitive areas like our drive to love and be loved (especially in a romantic sense), to feel confident in our capabilities of satisfying our partners, etc. (and those subjects are particularly touchy to me lol)
All things considered, I'm still optimistic about my recovery. I know I can make great progress now, on vacation, and keep my head in place so that I can let that progress carry on throughout the semester. Thanks for the orientation!

 

Thanks. Yeah, definitely agree with you there: lust really distorts our natural emotional and physical needs. And thanks, I know there's a way out; now I just gotta do my best to follow the path and get there

 

Thanks for sharing your experience and for the advice. Yeah, I think I actually vibe with what you said; though I don't want to eliminate sexuality completely, I do have a strong desire to just take a step (or a few steps) back from it for a little while. I've always kinda wanted to know what it's like to be on monk mode for a while, how my relationship with sexuality (and with myself in general) will change, and what will change in my way of perceiving the world around me. I think trying on monk mode for a long while is an interesting idea. I'm a tiny bit afraid of what that'll do to my anxiety, though, but come to think of it, the "electricity" I felt last time was probably not only the sexual desire but also a physical manifestation of all the other things that were (and have been) eating away at my mental well-being: fears, insecurities and the stress of living in friction (since a tolerable level of friction is necessary for improvement), I think all those things were messing me up from the inside, and when the urges hit hard, they also joined in to help it hit even harder. So, in the end, I was not only being "attacked" by lust, but also by my other demons. That kinda means that I can't deal with those things separately: if I'm to not act upon my carnal desires, I must also take that same stance (of being mindful and aware of the existence of those emotions, but being in control at the same time) for the rest of those things. This means a bit of an added challenge (if it were easy to not be controled by our emotions, everyone would live like that), but it also means that I can get so, so much better at keeping my impulses at bay, and man, how cool would that be.
You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks for that. I think I'm going to give monk mode a real, honest shot, but if I feel like I'm at the verge of relapsing, I'll masturbate. It's obviously not ideal, but I think that, if used sparingly, masturbation can be a tool to help dissociating sexuality with porn and, consequently, to live a better, healthier life.

 

That sounds great. I heard about a variation of that in a video I watched a while ago: You start out by visualizing the best possible version of yourself, and then the worst one (and you describe those versions). After that, you write what you think will get the "present you" closer to each one of the versions.