How can I track my husbands usage, and should I?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Jbird22, Aug 19, 2014.

  1. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

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    My husband says he's not looking at it anymore but when I confronted him about it 6 months later, as if I already knew he'd been looking again, he didn't deny it.
    so now he's been making a fool of me and watching me try so hard for him while he's just continuing to do it and just hiding it better and lying. I will not trust him again unless he's an opened book and I can know for sure he's not doing it anymore..
    How can I do this without him knowing? I've seen the ones that block you but I'm looking for something that will notify me...and he only does it on his phone so is that even possible?
    Thanks, blah :(
     
  2. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    You can monitor his internet usage through your internet provider. You will need to contact them. They do not typically monitor activity due to it being too expensive to monitor everyone's usage, however they do have the power to do so. I believe it's possible to get them to track it and send you a monthly report. It may cost though.

    Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to track his usage behind his back. Ultimately it is up to him to quit, and he may feel trapped if you impose restrictions on his activity. At least he didn't deny watching it, which shows he is at least being honest about his usage. If you want him to be open about his usage, surely you should be open about it too.

    Additionally, I don't think that by watching it, he is making a fool of you. Yes he is letting you down, however remember this is an addiction, so he may have conflicting feelings about watching it. Sometimes, no matter our power of will to resist, an urge can trap us and we end up relapsing. Make sure he knows that:
    a) This is his problem
    b) This is a serious problem and cannot be treated lightly
    c) Watching P may have serious repercussions to his marriage

    I'm no expert but I hope this helps

    Cheers
    NoBrainer
     
  3. Panda.RN

    Panda.RN Fapstronaut

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    The reason why I never came to my now ex wife with open honesty is because of the fear of disappointing her. If she asked me I would admit it but I never came forward on my own. If she had told me that she wanted to help me and encouraged me to come to her, it would have helped me greatly. Now, I'm not saying you haven't made this clear to him already, I'm just relaying my experience and why I was ashamed and often fearful of being open with her.

    As NoBrainer said, monitoring his activity may have a different effect than you intend. I personally would discuss this openly with him. Maybe he would find this helpful or maybe he would be opposed. First step is always communication.
     
  4. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much for the input!

    Just to explain better, he doesn't think it's a problem and says he's not addicted...told me he'd never look again. I said, " I need you to be opened and honest if you do because I don't think it's going to be that easy
    for you since you've been doing it for as long as the Internet has been around" (as I found out last year,because he would turn down sex, while later at night being suspicious with his iPad, then I just checked the history and to my shock, found out why) ). He said it's no problem. When I found out initially, he blamed me for it and so I was making gallant efforts to make sure it wasn't me (that's why he's making a fool of me).

    Then after six months assuming he wasn't anymore, I just test him by telling him I already knew he'd done it again and he kept saying "what, how, umm ok" , he had been using the private setting so I couldn't track his phone usage, his only concern was how I found out...he definitely wouldn't have admitted it if I asked him, I just told him I already knew and he was scared to test the boundary after all we'd been through over it...

    so I'm pretty disappointed....I now not only have an I denial porn addict husband but a liar too...never in a million years would have EVER expected any of this from him... :( so yeah, he's probably going to keep doing it and I'll never be the wiser...but he'll tell me he's not... I just don't want anything to do with him if that's what are marriage is going to be like... :( thanks.
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2014
  5. vlaw

    vlaw Banned

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    Why don't you assure him that you are willing to work with him to overcome this addiction???

    Probably why he isn't open to you.
     
  6. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Jeez, porn is a plague on men.

    Even when I was beginning to realise that P was a problem for me, it still took me about a year to do anything about it (mainly because I wasn't aware exactly how it was affecting me). That phase is also called the contemplation phase in the addiction 'cycle' I believe. And before I realised P was a problem, if someone had asked me about it, or confronted me and told me it was a problem I probably would have denied it or said they were being ridiculous or whatever.

    Your husband is definitely in denial over his P use. I recommend showing him the links showing the scientific evidence of the effects that P has on the brain. It may resonate with him, rather than his porn addicted brain thinking "damn my wife not wanting me to do what I want" etc.

    Here are the usual good links:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
    http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/
    https://www.youtube.com/user/FightTheNewDrug

    As soon as I saw Gary Wilson's TED talk I knew exactly what was wrong with my lifestyle, and with the knowledge of NoFap I was able to take action on my addiction.

    Although beware, even if he takes these links seriously, it may still take a long time for him to become committed to stopping. Your commitment to him, (assuming he does take action or contemplate taking action) will determine the future of your relationship...

    Cheers
    NoBrainer
     
  7. ColorlessJoe

    ColorlessJoe New Fapstronaut

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    My wife and I are going through the same thing right now. Today, we decided that there is no perfect way for her to monitor me or for me to prove that I haven't PMO'd. What we did decide is to let the results speak for themselves. It sounds like you know what behavior your husband exhibits when he is lying about it. Be on the lookout for changes/improvements. That should let you know he is still on track. Most importantly, don't be afraid to keep a very open dialogue about it all. Good luck jbird!
     
  8. Panda.RN

    Panda.RN Fapstronaut

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    I completely agree with ColorlessJoe. The main thing that hinders progress is suffering in silence. I have found that in my own experience having that open dialogue helps to bring everything to light and makes the fight so much easier when it can be shared openly.
     

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