How childhood trauma, blooms chaos.

This is my personal journal attempt, which I shall make public so others can hopefully help me, or listen into my thoughts. The first step to quitting is acknowledging it. Since I have had a hard time quitting porn in my head, I shall make it public, the journal where in a sense, it's no longer in my head, and in public domain; hopefully that blankets my psychosis.

Where it all began.

I started watching pornography where I was eight years of age. At the time I never intended to see woman in any sexual way, and I preferred emotional relationships. As most young kid's, you want to create bonds with your fellow classmates. And one year this young kid who recently moved to my neighbourhood from South Africa began to show me interest in me and we become close friends. He was pretty self centred, and consistently argued with his mother on every little aspect of our little circle of life. Because my family was not as well off, and his was, I would often spend the majority of my time at his place, playing video games, watching movies, trying to smoke grass, legitimate blades of grass. He was not the brightest and I knew it at the time but only continued to hang around him because of the benefits of being able to do what we wanted.
One night we were hanging out at his place in his room, which was huge at the least five times larger than my own home. He had full control of the home environment, his mother was a drunk, and she was constantly pre-occupied by his little brother who happened to be nearly 5 years of age at the time. The consequence this South African kid who enjoyed melting his brain for nine hours straight on the tele, showed me a glimpse of what would evidently ripple a stone that would continue to sink deeper into the depths, and drag me with it.
As each time we would spend time together, he began to move from being friends to being something he could control; a tyrant in the making. Just as he did with his mother, because his father was a successful man who was constantly away for half the year. He began to control everyone around him, and I was the one in his cross-hair.
He constantly enjoyed watching me watch porn, which I thought was very weird, and with that came it's own problems. He began to want to touch me and see me undressed. One night he masturbated on the upper bunk bed of his room while I slept bellow. It was quite traumatic for me as an eight year old. And I knew I had to quit this relationship, which I did the following days afterwards.

What came with it.

As a consequence of it all, was the spark that became a flame. A raging wildfire which would spread through each corner of my life. I began to express my feeling of dull miserable pain that I often felt from my spiralling downfall of my what could have been potential. It was as if I let go of who I was to be, and sank into despair. Porn, Masturbation, Orgasm became this source of pleasure which I searched for through the chaos. There is no other source of pleasure so assessable, yet so destructive as the one we are know to well.
I will not bore you with the consequences of losing innocence, we all know.
But as of speaking about it as of today, it has been thirteen years. each day I lie to myself of what life is going to be by the end of the day. I am a hopeless person, hopeless of my abilities to fight the dragon myself. But through consistent meditation, and help from my good friend whispers. I have decided I need as much help from each individual I can get my reach towards. Physically and spiritually, As above, so below.
So I beg of you all, to help me with my vices, and to see my faults, to tell honesty even if it means to bring me down. Truth is bitter in times like these, yet we are to doped up on our egos we miss the silver lining of reality. We must remove our blinders which have become overgrown through sinful streams. It is an illusion, we swim with our hands, forgetting we have feet. we must die to the sin, reach our mirrored self, and stab the knife into our heart, watch as our old self bleeds. The blood waters the ground reminding us from where we came from. From there the seeds of the world grow. We are all, and everything is us, where do we find the time to love ourselves?

 

Day Two

Today was day two of my journal.
This morning I had urges, but tried to ride them out. I realize that in the past I said things I am going to do, but never did it. So instead of pretending I am going to be something at the end of the day, I need to focus on reality. There is no past, nor future, only the present. So instead of worrying about things in the future, or dwelling in the past; I am only going to take a breath, and live in my life. If I am to be strong with others who depend on me, I must firstly take the log out of my eye.