How did I feel after PMO?

MONSTER MONK

MONSTER MONK

Fapstronaut
Sometimes in the journey you fail to draw the parallel of how you felt after PMO and how good you're feeling now.
You start to wonder maybe it wasn't so bad as you think. Maybe you can try to do it again to see how it feels?
Visit this thread to realise how bad you'll feel afterwards.
Post how you feel immediately after PMO here

If you reset to PMO, post how you're feeling right after.
I will post others experiences too if i find them
 
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64 days ago I had sex, which eventually led to masturbating after 9 days. Because I was angry. It didn't feel bad. But just stopped my streak. I was on around 68 days streak which I just had to cut. Actually it felt good to ease a little. To those who think it is not bad to relapse, maybe I was not such a severe addict. Don't masturbate.
 
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After relapsing & resetting, I felt my heart drop because my above average streak of 16.40 days came to a close. Then I started to feel angry at myself & deleted all of the porn I saved onto my PC minutes ago by fiercely clicking my mouse in an aggressive manner. Next, my self-confidence and feelings of freedom vanished & I felt a mild form of depression.

Lastly, as I am typing this post, I have this emotion inside that can only be explained as "I just want to get as far away from day 0 as possible".
 
This is a great thread, and you start it with some real wisdom.

If only I would put the awful feelings which come with PMO before the act, then I wouldn't want to do it.

@MASTER MONK exposes the twisted reasoning I use to allow myself to jump back into PMO:

MASTER MONK said:
You start to wonder maybe it wasn't so bad as you think. Maybe you can try to do it again to see how it feels?
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That is nothing but false justification to do something which I know will have bad consequences for my well-being.

The end of PMO is never different.

No matter how I try to justify my PMO behavior or try to do PMO differently, it's always the same.

PMO inevitably leaves me in the same bad condition.


After my last relapse, I thought about how different the PMO experience is in contrast to other good and productive things which I've done online and on the computer.

When I'm in the porn world, I jump impatiently from one pic to the next; I immediately want a new hit.

I can't concentrate on a single porn video; I jump ahead to the seconds of a scene and then look for something else.

I range widely in a single PMO episode to both straight and gay material.

After this, my head is spinning, and I can't focus.

I feel empty and depleted.

Online pornography induces a kind of short-term ADHD.

My brain becomes scrambled.

That is an extremely miserable condition for me because my life and work center on using my mind.

With pornography, I destroy what is most essential.

That is how I feel after PMO: Destroyed.


When, however, I read online, write on the computer, or do some other kind of work on my calendar or finances, I feel some sense of accomplishment.

There is a Buddhist monk whose talks I watch on YouTube, and after every one I feel uplifted.

The next morning, his words are still going through my mind.

I even feel better after I watch a good movie on the computer.

I like old movies.

In all these kinds of more wholesome things, I am able to sustain my concentration for hours and be truly fulfilled at the end.


The way I respond to online porn, as I've described, is totally different.

It ruins me.

My PMO behavior and what I suffer after it have convinced me that there is something inevitably harmful about all of it.

As they say, experience is the best teacher.

When I see the effects of the two kinds of experiences I've described above, I see clearly what is good.
 
bondong96 said:
Fuck I'm back to a slave, had some urges and decided to watch porn and once I started I was convinced it was over and just masturbated. Of course you think you will feel ok after, but I felt like complete shit that I lost my large streak and right away I am posting this to get going strong again. One day I will beat this.
Click to expand...
 
Relapsed day before yesterday, on Day 1 now. Felt like absolute muck afterwards as I'd spent most of the night relapsing and had a big car journey the next day. Thankfully it didn't affect my driving and we got to where we had to go in one piece, but I felt angry and disgusted at myself for putting me and my family in potential danger because I couldn't keep a fucking lid on my urges, especially after I'd been on a streak of 9 days (which I know is pathetic, but it's good for me!). Well, I will use this feeling as yet another motivational tool to finally conquer this illness. I know my triggers and I know when they occur. I know I have to count to ten when I get them and for each second I count, list a reason why I don't want to PMO. Because no PMO session is as good as a 90 day streak will feel. I'm also practising mindfulness, more specifically when I get urges, visualising the morning I wake up after completing the 90 day streak. How good the morning will feel, how nice it will feel to kiss my family good morning, how good the breakfast will taste etc etc. Anyway, that's the plan. I find this thread/group/military style exercise very motivational, and it helps me pick myself up after each relapse. Kudos again to @MASTER MONK for coming up with it and wish you all every success in your own battles! We march on!
 
Hell mode 2/4

Yesterday was an amazing day but i was feeling empty. Since i slept with an escort the day before and from when i first did it after a long time on a bachelor party; I’ve been wanting it like crazy again. This time its different, my mind wants to relapse on drugs and alcohol. After an amazing day, at night came the feeling of emptiness and wanting to party. The thought of doing drugs, or boozing hasn’t been a thought for a while up until now. Doing things that bring us back to our old lifestyle are triggers and we must create a new path.

I PMed last night, so i dont go out and use again.. When i feel like I’m empty i need to mediate, pray, read. I cant eat past 12 o’clock, i went and go fried chicken at 1am even though i was dead tired. I was trying to fill the hole inside me... I need to fill it with spirituality and my higher power. I forced myself to wake up early today and get my day right. I will start on the 12 steps today and put that as a priority.

I recently started helping people and the response from them (which i never expected back) is amazing, I’m getting msg telling me that they appreciate me in their life and I’ve helped them in ways no one else have. One man told me this morning he was on the path to death but i saved him and now he wants to live. I used to only help people when i had something on them i wanted back, it was always a game. I never once thought i could help someone and not expect anything.

Today will be a good day, good things are coming. Here’s a quick reminder to myself when feeling empty (restless, irritable and discontent)

1. Get down and pray
2. Read things from the big book
3. Meditate
4. Call someone
5. See if you can help someone i
 
I feel very unmotivated to do anything productive, which is the last thing I want to do on any given day. The shame I feel from having to hide my sins from those close to me, the fear that someone might have caught on to what I'm doing, the fact that I have given up my own long-term goal for just a few minutes of pleasure, all add up to feelings of deep despair. My future self, if you are here and are very tempted to look at porn right now, trust me: It is not worth it.
 
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