How did I get this fucked up..? (Trigger Warning)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by fennofir, Jun 9, 2015.

  1. fennofir

    fennofir Guest

    I have a problem with furry porn/hentai. I think it might've come from a traumatizing experience I had when I was a kid. When I was about 7 or so I was on youtube quite frequently and I came across a very disturbing video that involved tentacles and beastiality. It horrified me, but soon I began to become more curious about it. I starting watching it again and again until I felt something strange in me. I think that was my first experience with sexual feelings. Around the age of 10 or so, I experienced my first orgasm. I remember what it was about, too. I can't believe ten year old me could fantasize about rape. I also started masturbating to homosexual fantasies involving animals. Pretty soon I starting watching hentai regularly. It went from that, to human porn, to furry porn, to gay porn, and finally to actual beastiality. That was around the time that my parents found out about my porn usage. I had my internet taken away from me, and a couple of times I managed to get online and masturbate to porn, but most of the time I would masturbate to fantasies inside my head. This is when I believed that I was bisexual. I resolved to quit porn after relapsing a couple of times, but it wasn't good enough. I kept on masturbating and finally I relapsed again and started watching porn. That was when I knew I had to quit. I joined nofap and successfully reached my goal of 30 days. I made it until day 56, when I finally O'd while M'ing. I resolved to keep going but I relapsed yet again today. While writing this I have experienced urges to fap and look at porn like I've never known. I won't do it. You won't take over me, you fucker. Is this what porn can do? Is this why I'm so fucked in the head? I don't have feelings for men but I sure do have homosexual fantasies. I have furry fantasies. Would I have been different if it weren't for porn? I'm only in my teenage years and I'm already super fucked up and hooked on dopamine. Everything seems to be just awful. I got diagnosed with GAD(Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and I feel like everything in my life has gone to hell. Please, please, God help me.
     
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  2. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Here are some suggestions from another member: http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/new-to-nofap-website.29187/#post-178181

    1) Set my homepage to http://www.nofap.org/forum/forum.php
    2) I'm keeping my door open at all times to make it hard to PMO. I live with my grandmother.
    3) Bookmarked http://emergency.nofap.org - it works best if you don't keep hitting refresh but take what you need from it and move on.
    4) I'm taking cold showers.
    5) I did some research on http://www.yourbrainonporn.com and watched the Ted talks videos there.
    6) I'm reading/posting as much as I can on this forum.
    7) I'm keeping a daily journal and created a counter to track my progress.
    8) I wear a rubber band on my wrist that I snap whenever I have a sexual thought or become aroused.
    9) I flex all of my muscles rhythmically whenever I feel like I'm going to get an erection to direct blood flow away from it.
    10) I've watched "Sacred Sexuality" videos on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/user/SacredS...sort=da&view=0

    Also

    1. Create a journal and post in it everyday, especially when you get urges. Just writing down that I have an urge helps to alleviate it.
    2. Set a goal and create a PMO counter to track your progress. Copy and paste it in to your signature. (You can edit your signature in your account settings.)
    3. Read and respond to other peoples journals. This will help to make you realize that you are not alone and give you hope and ideas on how to further develop in your recovery.
     
  3. Aghast

    Aghast Fapstronaut

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    I think you know the answer to your question. Before porn you'd see a babe on the cover of a magazine and that would be more than satisfactory for any M'ing needs. Would you think about a rapist tentacle monster while M'ing had you never seen porn? Hell no. Porn, over time changes your sexuality into something sick and twisted. Those who get deeply addicted need more and more twisted things to M to.
     
    Enwar likes this.
  4. fennofir

    fennofir Guest

    Yeah, I wish I could be like that. My dream is that people will open their eyes and see that porn is hell, and look at what it does to people. That way stuff like this can't happen.
     
  5. Aghast

    Aghast Fapstronaut

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    Yes it would be nice if it just wasn't available at all. But that will never happen now. We just need to build what it takes to stay away using just our will power.
     
  6. depo27

    depo27 Fapstronaut

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    Is this foh real???? If you're not trolling, I seriously think you need psychological/psychiatric help. I don't think this is the right place to vent those kind of things. One thing is normal/hardcore porn and another bestiality porn. You might have a paraphilia and that is something that needs treatment.
     
  7. IGY

    IGY Guest

    @depo26 - "I don't think this is the right place to vent those kind of things" - are you serious? This is the best place to do so! The things this guy is experiencing have resulted from his exposure to porn. He needs out help and support, not made to feel like a weirdo. Please endeavour to make your comments more constructive man. :rolleyes:
     
  8. tomtom

    tomtom Fapstronaut

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    I fully agree with IGY. We are here to get help and to help others. I moved on in my porn from vanilla to all kind of weird stuff to get my dopamine hit. I no longer want any of that and I don't think the normal me really wants to watch all that. I haven't tried how I would react to it, though.
     
    Username1021 likes this.
  9. DeltaNova

    DeltaNova Fapstronaut

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    You are not fucked up, be strong and once you can look at this from a distance, you'll see that it might be smaller/easier to overcome than you thought. The answer is, in my opinion, as you said, to stop PMO.. Try your best, maybe 10 days at a time to make it seem easier to accomplish than going for 90 days right away. Everyone can do this, and you're the only one who can do this for yourself.
     
  10. Aghast

    Aghast Fapstronaut

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    Hey, haven't checked the forum for a while. Telling your story online can be very difficult, rest assured that you are in the right place to seek help and encouragement and that the majority of people on the forum are here for you. Don't let the harsh opinions get you down ;), everyone here is here for the same reason, we have all experienced the negative effects that porn can cause and are trying to better ourselves.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2015
    Username1021 likes this.
  11. Dustin Johnston

    Dustin Johnston Fapstronaut

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    I too have a similar story. I feel so inhuman as well. Just keep your head up, man, your fantasies are the result of watching porn, not your true self. If you helps, proving this to yourself is just more motivation to keep going. It's one of my biggest reasons, I know deep down that the furry thing is just a by-product of my addiction, not my true self. I want to quit to be that person, the real me.
     
  12. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Welcome to the forum Dustin. :) The furry fandom can be very alluring. But fetishes that do not pre-exist porn will fade as you practice complete abstinence from sexual release and allow your brain to heal and rewire from PMO etc. Cool :cool:
     
  13. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Well, he has done better than that already @Dragonaire - 144 days - just a week away from 5 months (hard mode)! :cool:
     
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  14. Dustin Johnston

    Dustin Johnston Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the warm welcome, IGY :) I do have a question though. I am currently in a serious, long term, and very loving relationship and she has a massive sex drive (as do I; part of the problem) and we make love nearly every day (thank goodness my penis is still responding...most times). Is it okay to continue this way while still "rebooting"? I don't want her to be affected by my addiction any more than she already is, though I'm sure she would understand if I did happen to ask. Again, thanks for the support. This community rocks!
     
  15. IGY

    IGY Guest

    You are welcome buddy. Having sex or not while rebooting is a matter of choice. But the process will be slower if you do.
     
  16. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Fennofir:

    One of the things that happens when we consume a lot of porn is that we get drawn into more and more extreme sorts of things. One common reason is because what used to work for us starts not to work so well, so we seek out something edgier. Another reason, I think, is because we're "high" on the thrill of the porn, and then while we're looking for what we're used to, we might see something a little different, a little more extreme. Maybe the first time, we find it offensive -- but still, a little thrilling. The second time...the third time...you get the idea.

    Detox'ing from the porn is the essential thing. That doesn't mean you'll never feel a stir over that stuff, but -- from my own experience, now almost 150 days, the pull of those fantasies and so forth is nowhere near as strong.
     
    Star Lord likes this.
  17. Dustin Johnston

    Dustin Johnston Fapstronaut

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    Understood. Maybe it's best to just take a break for a while then and see how it goes.
     
    Star Lord likes this.
  18. I feel so bad for you. Please know that you are not screwed up and you will be OK. Don't punish yourself so much.

    I'm a woman and I know for a fact that porn has permanently changed my sexuality. I learned about sex from a gangbang video when I was 6, then watched Caligula movie at 10 (you are probably too young for it, but at the time it was pretty disturbing and involved violence, incest and other hardcore stuff). Then there were local pedos showing us kids molestation pictures... Then the old Lolita movie came out, which probably made Nabokov roll in his grave... All this stuff on TV and Internet can form especially weird connections in a developing brain and override our natural preferences. Even adults are susceptible but kids really have no defense.

    I know if I allow myself to watch porn, I'll soon find myself thoroughly disgusted and drained after clicking on increasingly disturbing stuff that I didn't even imagine before or thought it was too weird and now I'm stuck remembering it. Somehow it changes from disgusting to pleasurable! Was I naturally inclined to like it before? I don't think so. In fact I have noted that it goes away after I don't watch porn for long periods of time. I generally mellow out. Thankfully my fantasies, however influenced by my conditioning, are not too weird and my partner is more than willing to accommodate me. I did have to put some considerable effort into differentiating between myself and outside influence.

    Tentacle fetish is a relatively new phenomenon coming from Asia, which I'm sure in absence of any stimuli would resolve itself after awhile since there isn't anything like that around you in real life. As for animals, a higher concept of empathy might help. Abusing animals or hurting anyone is something that you may want to advocate against to help yourself come to terms with the "I'M NOT OK WITH IT" intellectual concept. I'm sure you'll figure it all out.

    Best wishes.
     
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  19. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    Literally been there and done all that bud.
    My pmo addiction let me around the circus of P. In an out of the house of horrors etc etc.

    The point you should focus on now is not what you were but what you want to become.
    We shouldn't feel like a relapse is a complete full circle back to where we started. Because it's far from it. Whether it's a day, 5, 35...if we relapse that's once in X amount of days, compared to like 10x a day or whatever in the past.

    What's important is not to get despondent, keep calm and carry on.

    Good luck dude.
     
    Ardunel likes this.
  20. DogDaysOfLife

    DogDaysOfLife Fapstronaut

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    OP is no longer here, but thank you for writing this for the benefit of others. To think of oneself as a messed-up or lesser person feeds fetishes and anxiety. Think positively and love yourself, because you are more than your problems. Hating yourself for gay bestiality fantasies might even escalate to primarily obsessional OCD.

    While empathy for and innocent interaction with real animals doesn't necessarily cure a person of zoophilic desires, it can't hurt. At least there's no such thing as a furrysexual because, in the absence of stimuli, sexual desire for furries does not exist. On the flipside, it's more insidious because I can't raise a moral objection to something that's not real.
     
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