How did you feel when you relapsed for the first time?

[Nutorn]

I decided to leave porn at the end of last May. Once June started, I deleted all my access to prn and tried to desexualise my mind.

However weeks 1 and 2 were really hard, I couldn’t really concentrate on anything, but it lucky faded out quickly. However in the meanwhile, I recovered my X (Twitter) account with all of its bookmarks, but didn’t see anything related to prn.

However, day 20~ arrived and I felt a very strong urge I couldn’t resist and relapsed. However, I did noticed that thr bookmarks I had didn’t turned me on anymore, but instead made me question what had I done with my life.

Nevertheless, the urges have not ceased and I still feel the urge to jerk it off, however when I’ve done it, I find out myself with the same amount of anxiety, so it helps me to stay on track.

I’d be pleased to fo know how have you felt when you’ve relapsed.

 

[cleaningupmyact]

I decided to leave porn at the end of last May. Once June started, I deleted all my access to prn and tried to desexualise my mind.

However weeks 1 and 2 were really hard, I couldn’t really concentrate on anything, but it lucky faded out quickly. However in the meanwhile, I recovered my X (Twitter) account with all of its bookmarks, but didn’t see anything related to prn.

However, day 20~ arrived and I felt a very strong urge I couldn’t resist and relapsed. However, I did noticed that thr bookmarks I had didn’t turned me on anymore, but instead made me question what had I done with my life.

Nevertheless, the urges have not ceased and I still feel the urge to jerk it off, however when I’ve done it, I find out myself with the same amount of anxiety, so it helps me to stay on track.

I’d be pleased to fo know how have you felt when you’ve relapsed.

It sounds like you are making some terrific insights and progress here. Congrats on deleting the stash - that's a crucial, important, and very difficult step!

I want to HIGHLY recommend (highly!) that you do some journaling during this time. Just 5 min a day. What you are experiencing, and how you write it down, could save you years of suffering if you just record it. It will make a big difference later, trust me. There is a journaling section on this site too: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php#reboot-logs.8

Most sites like soc media accounts will completely delete anything saved after 14 - 30 days. Have you set your account to full delete? You can always make a new account later. But getting away from those old toxins can really be a benefit so you dont get re-locked into old patterns of self-destruction.

To answer your Q: I dont remember my first relapse, as I joined this site 7+ years ago and sadly, I did not journal then (big regret). One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is thinking they will never relapse...

"Today, I stop Porn Forever!! I HATH SPOKEN!!"

Aside from being grandiose and ego-driven, it is also extremely unlikely. I've been a PMO addict for 20+ years. Relapses / resets will happen. What sets me up for ABSOLUTE FAILURE is this kind of thinking and statements. Because then I am *so ashamed* and depressed and self-hating, I go F**k it and just relapse so much worse.

I was very suicidal and self-hating from my relapses for years. It kept me from recovery. Today, if I have a slip, I share it with my AP and 12-step group ASAP, and recommit to sobriety - I read my journals, figure out the trigger, and patch the hole in the road for next time. I get back on the wagon and drive over it.