I've noticed recently, becoming stronger and stronger, the distaste for myself that I had starting to rise up from where I thought I'd buried it within myself. This self-hatred that I lied to myself about having gotten rid of, I've noticed, is what keeps bringing back my insecurities. For example, I've been insecure about my weight recently (which is only a concern because of sports), about my lack of real strong friendships or relationships at the moment, about my jokes and conversation topics not being good enough, etc. Now that I come to think of it, this is something that I guess I've had before I even discovered pornography. When I was younger I used to put down my own accomplishments because I thought that being too proud would inflate my ego and turn me into a terrible person. I also did and still worry a lot about living up to my own standards of perfection and those of my family. I also never liked how I looked. These issues have always been persistent in myself, and are now stronger than ever within me. This is the part that I can blame porn for, since watching it and indulging in endless pleasure void of any real meaning kept bringing me back to an ever lonelier, more depressed state every time I did it and every time the types of porn I watched escalated in intensity, which led to my inaction in these areas of life, such as getting my ass in shape, making new relationships with people, etc. I wasted years of my life because of the addiction and severely harmed the few close bonds that I still had, both which I am now trying to recover. I don't want to go into a big ramble about how I suffered and I'm victim to the world, but rather, I want to speak about how I've been a victim to my own mentality that puts me down even when I accomplish good things and has put me down even further because of PMOing, completely decimating all value left in myself. Whenever something goes bad my insecurities arise and snowball, causing my mind to react negatively and my behavior to become more defensive. I'm deeply aware of the other things in my life that I need to fix, but it's like my mind is fighting against myself at times, which can be a burden when trying to overcome challenges. I guess the question that I want to ask is: How do I learn to value myself? I think that it is an important thing to know in order to not give up in tasks, and especially to not fall into the traps of PMO again.