How do I gain self-respect?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by FezMan76, May 11, 2021.

Do you feel like you value yourself (have confidence; are happy with your life, etc.)?

  1. Yes

    5 vote(s)
    50.0%
  2. No

    6 vote(s)
    60.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. FezMan76

    FezMan76 Fapstronaut

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    I've noticed recently, becoming stronger and stronger, the distaste for myself that I had starting to rise up from where I thought I'd buried it within myself.
    This self-hatred that I lied to myself about having gotten rid of, I've noticed, is what keeps bringing back my insecurities. For example, I've been insecure about my weight recently (which is only a concern because of sports), about my lack of real strong friendships or relationships at the moment, about my jokes and conversation topics not being good enough, etc.
    Now that I come to think of it, this is something that I guess I've had before I even discovered pornography. When I was younger I used to put down my own accomplishments because I thought that being too proud would inflate my ego and turn me into a terrible person. I also did and still worry a lot about living up to my own standards of perfection and those of my family. I also never liked how I looked.
    These issues have always been persistent in myself, and are now stronger than ever within me. This is the part that I can blame porn for, since watching it and indulging in endless pleasure void of any real meaning kept bringing me back to an ever lonelier, more depressed state every time I did it and every time the types of porn I watched escalated in intensity, which led to my inaction in these areas of life, such as getting my ass in shape, making new relationships with people, etc. I wasted years of my life because of the addiction and severely harmed the few close bonds that I still had, both which I am now trying to recover.
    I don't want to go into a big ramble about how I suffered and I'm victim to the world, but rather, I want to speak about how I've been a victim to my own mentality that puts me down even when I accomplish good things and has put me down even further because of PMOing, completely decimating all value left in myself. Whenever something goes bad my insecurities arise and snowball, causing my mind to react negatively and my behavior to become more defensive.
    I'm deeply aware of the other things in my life that I need to fix, but it's like my mind is fighting against myself at times, which can be a burden when trying to overcome challenges. I guess the question that I want to ask is: How do I learn to value myself? I think that it is an important thing to know in order to not give up in tasks, and especially to not fall into the traps of PMO again.
     
  2. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

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    You are discovering the same thing everyone else on this board is discovering or has already discovered: pornography is a vacuous and hollow pleasure. It is a shit solution to a real problem. Take actions that other people find valuable. Create something you can be proud of. Exercise. Work to change careers. Set a bar for yourself and reach for it. Make friends with other people who are doing the same thing. Do something new and different. Go buy a hamburger for a homeless man. Change something. Nudge yourself in a new direction. Give serious thought to what value and success actually mean to you and see where those thoughts take you.
     
  3. I agree with Garek that to have self-worth, we have to do worthy things and those options are near endless. To be able to value yourself, I start with learning what my 'core values are and move forward and toward those.

    Addicts are always in conflict with their higher beliefs and core values because our core values really define who we are and what we value the most in life. The conflict comes because our problem behaviour usually supersedes and undermines those values, with the end result being that we are not living a life true to our higher selves.

    Google 'big list of core values. Then go through that list identifying the core values which mean the most to you. Maybe it's wealth, security, family, service, health & fitness, community, friends, career, loyalty, spirituality, discipline, whatever. It could be anything. The list is long.

    When you've made your own personal list, then create groups of the core values which you feel belong together. Like: finance & wealth, or, family, community, and then you will start to see that these things are part of a core value group to which you lean towards.

    As an example, then ask yourself:

    Q: What does Finance, Wealth mean to me?

    Then answer the question and say something like:

    A: Finance and Wealth means: Security, status, freedom. Of these security and freedom are the most important because....

    So now you're getting to the crux of why you aspire to earning money. Example only.

    Then ask yourself:

    Q: How is my current life in conflict with this value?

    A: My current life is in conflict with this value because: (maybe), I'm in a job that I don't really like and see no future in. I also spend too much time acting out which means I'm not investing the best version of myself in the things I truly like and most want to do and that's one of the reasons why I feel so crap about my lot!

    Then ask:

    Q: What initial steps could I take to address, or resolve this conflict?

    A: Initial steps I could take to resolve this conflict are: I could start investing my time in jobs/activities which support my core values and passions, planning my future, identifying leads and networks and resources which will help me realise this core value...

    Repeat that for four, five or six core values and at the end of it you will get a powerful blueprint of the life you should be aspiring to. Then you can create a more detailed goals orientated program for you to focus your energies on based on those values.

    It's not a remedy for stopping pmo, but it's quite possibly the foundation of a great future that could lead away from porn and up into a life plan that fits with your highest goals. The ones which truly resonate with who you are as a human being, because lets face it, pmo-ing is not helping any of us live up to scratch.

    Would be interesting to know if this is helpful...
     
    greenishmoon and FezMan76 like this.
  4. FezMan76

    FezMan76 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @PeacefulmindFearlessheart and @Garek. I will definitely consider following the advice that you have given me.
    Now that I think about it, about a week ago when I wrote this I felt down because I thought I was worthless, but then I realized it was because I had deviated too much from my goals and my values. My weight had increased since, my stocks had gone down, my exams were coming up, and I had completely just shut myself down for no reason. But no I realize that I have a purpose and a value. That purpose is to make my family proud, to make their sacrifices for me worth it in the end. And that value of myself is one that I can change with my own thoughts and actions. I will work tirelessly to achieve those goals now, giving myself only breaks when I deserve them, and keeping my soul up because I know that there are things greater than myself to chase. I will do it. I will succeed, no matter how hard it is to do so.
     
  5. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

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    Glad you've rediscovered your sense of purpose. Come on back the next time you lose touch.
     
  6. It's good to connect and help each other when we can. Reading your last post is helping me as I've found myself in (another) challenging episode where I find myself giving in too easily and the costs are too high for me to keep it up. Gotta get back up, dust myself down and focus hard on value centred goals.
     

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