How do I get over being molested as a child.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by RainbowShell, Jun 29, 2019.

  1. RainbowShell

    RainbowShell Fapstronaut

    If anyone reads this but don't want to read it all then here is a question to which I know has no simple answer, how can I get past this? Is it even possible?

    I never told anyone this before but, I was molested during my childhood multiple times. It has been hard to talk about cause its painful. The person in question is no more dead and gone, don't want to talk about that person at all.

    I made this thread cause im tired and I feel that I should ask for help to improve cause its a pain to live with, and I got so few reasons to live I thought maybe if I improve how I feel about this then maybe other things might improve as well.

    I just don't know how to get over something like this, sexual abuse as a child leaves there marks, this person made me believe it was my fault and that it was something that was wrong with me. Im 34 years old now im hetrosexual male who never had sex with a woman, and I think partially why it never happened though I had many chances is due to what happened in my past.

    I just wish there was a way I could turn off how shameful I feel, it feels like its my fault, my selfworth is low cause of this and I realized this lately, might be the reason why i turned out how i did, not trusting people staying away.
    PeterJL likes this.
  2. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately this seems to be a very common thing but just not talked about much, and is very hard to heal from and takes a long time. As you pointed out it's hard to talk about, and even with the best therapists it takes time and people are not necessarily good at finding them and they (the really good ones) are not necessarily available where they live.

    I don't even think quitting PMO has a simple answer, the way most people do it. It seems like more and more people are recognizing you want to deal with all the areas of your life though, and of course it's not something that can be rushed, and I think this goes deeper than that.

    If you have any support groups nearby, take advantage of it. It can be helpful to know you're not alone. The ones run by a therapist may cost money and you'll have to decide if it's worth it, the thing is some people just end up ruminating about it and that isn't helpful either.

    I do want to emphasize that it is possible though, but it seems clear that people who have done it have dug deep, maybe gone back to school to become a therapist themselves. Even at that point where they're able to help others they may still be working on it and working with a therapist, but they would obviously be in a much better place at that point even if there's still some healing to do.

    Have you read any bios/memoirs of people who have survived this kind of trauma yet?
    RainbowShell likes this.
  3. RainbowShell

    RainbowShell Fapstronaut

    No I have not read any bios/memoirs but thanks for the tip. I get really anxious around hospitals so I have a hard time seeking help, lived almost my whole life out in the woods. Thank you for your reply, I don't know why but I expected people to laugh at me for some reason.
  4. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Childhood sexual abuse is no joking matter. I would suggest you start by doing searches for groups in your area. Those things will be anonymous if nothing else, so you should be able to check it out. Although again some are small groups run by therapists and it probably would cost money, just so you're not surprised if you find some from a psych site or something.

    One of the best things you can do is to educate yourself in psychology in general and this issue specifically. Although there's obviously an overlap it would also be a good idea to find online forums that are specifically about this issue. Some are even more specific, people who have suffered it in the context of a religious institution for example. But since the internet affords people some degree of anonymity it is an easier way to open up about it and process it.
    RainbowShell likes this.
  5. Celebrate recovery is a good place to start for support.

    They have a website and ap that shows meeting times locations and contact information
    RainbowShell likes this.
  6. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    I feel for you man. You live in Sweden, right? (I do and have a vague memory of you writing that somewhere, unless I'm mistaken).

    You could probably get access to free/cheap therapy for this with our healthcare system. I would suggest talking to a psychiatrist for a referral.

    I think behavioral types of therapies are effective, like CBT for example. I would recommend trying out mindfulness as well.

    What happened to you was awful. Still, I believe that with good treatment, it's possible to recover.
    RainbowShell likes this.
  7. SuperPowers

    SuperPowers Fapstronaut


    What's the problem?

    Make it a priority
    Freedom_from_PMO likes this.
  8. Augie

    Augie Fapstronaut

    Hello RainbowShell,

    I don't really know how to start this so I apologize in advance if my reply seems all over the place. I started my journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse when I was about 29-30 yrs of age; I'm now 35 yrs old. Like yourself I have experienced the shame, self-loathing, distrust, loneliness of never being in a relationship, fear of intimacy -even though I desire it, as well as, suicidal thoughts. I still feel these things today to some degree but nowhere near to the extremes I felt them before seeking professional help/therapy. Like yourself I too had an intense anxiety towards hospitals and medical facilities -I'm sure my issues with trust didn't help in that regard either- but there came a point where I knew the pain of staying the same outweighed the pain of change and so I took the leap to seeking help.

    Now I'm not going to tell you I'm cured. I will say that my quality of mental health though has improved greatly and so has my view towards myself. I still struggle, and a part of me believes I always will, but I try every day to view these struggles as opportunities to affirm my belief that I am worthy of love and that I am lovable; just like how you are worthy of love and are lovable, yes, even now! I know that feels hard to believe but it's the truth, which I'm sure is also why it hurts.

    I can say therapy has helped me with my self-loathing, shame, and suicidal thoughts. My therapist was able to help me start the process of forgiving the inner child that was abused and to reassure that child that I was not the cause of the abuse nor was I disgusting for experiencing physical pleasure from it. I can't describe how much the fact that my abuser and my body made me think that I was disgusting and responsible for my abuse. This shame led to such intense self-loathing and was responsible for me becoming my worst enemy and critic. It was so bad that I didn't even want to live anymore since who would want to live when their worst enemy in life is themselves? My therapist saw this clearly and we worked on my relationship with myself. We wrote a commitment letter that my first step to self-preservation and self-care/worth was to never commit suicide; I took that letter and signed it and then kept it as a reminder.

    The next thing my therapist worked on was my inner critic. He was able to give me the tools to work on not assigning judgment to my feelings and actions since I was in no place to judge myself; my judge was always biased. Instead of judgment we worked on noticing feelings and behaviors since noticing them doesn't require you to judge them. An example would be "I notice I feel angry about myself" or "I notice I don't like this or that". This practice has helped a lot and still helps when I remember to do it. The therapist I saw specialized in sexual addiction which at the time was helpful. I'm now currently looking for a therapist that will help with fears of intimacy since I believe that is the next place in need of deep healing.

    With that said, I want to encourage you to seek therapy and to not be worried if that takes a couple different therapists. I had to see a couple of therapists before I met my sexual addiction one and I'm sure I'll have to see a couple more before I meet the one that is going to give me the tools to heal my intimacy and trust issues. The other thing I've been having to do is to not assign time limit to how long this healing process is going to take or what the journey should look like. I'm trying to make peace with wanting only progress and not perfection.

    I've come closer than I have ever been to having a relationship with someone, but that didn't work out. Thankfully my therapy and the progress I had made with myself allowed me to see the red flags in the relationship and how the person was exploiting my past trauma and weaknesses in order to manipulate me. The woman I was with later admitted to this and apologized for it, which I'm thankful for but it still hurt nonetheless. What I will say is progress is that I have not left that relationship closed off to future ones. I still am open and hold hope that if it is meant to be then I will meet someone and if not then that is fine too. I don't believe everyone is called to have a relationship or to be married. I think some are people are called to a single and celibate existence in order to ponder and explore the other mysteries life has to offer.

    I think another thing which has helped me is seeing how my suffering and my experiences have helped me connect with others who suffer and feel alone in the world. Oddly enough these same things have helped me help my friends in their own relationships both in helping them see abuse which is taking place or when they are the ones being abusive (emotionally. Thankfully none of my friends have abused anyone sexually or physically), distrusting, etc.

    Know Rainbowshell that you are not worthless and that you have plenty to offer others even now. If you can, seek help because you are worthy of help. Live because you are worthy of life! My heart goes out to you and what you are dealing with in life. You're not alone. You're not abnormal or weird. You are good and you are lovable.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2019
  9. RainbowShell

    RainbowShell Fapstronaut

    Your post gives me hope, thank you for taking your time and reaching out to me, reading your story has helped. Ill will think over what im going to do, but looks like I might need to get some real help.
    WalkingForward and Augie like this.
  10. thorswrath32

    thorswrath32 Fapstronaut

    I've been thinking about getting therapy myself specifically for the abuse i suffered when i was young. I've had low self esteem and anxiety pretty much all of my life. as a teenager i found porn then later i found alcohol and drugs and then all three together. I've been sober now for over 4 years and have had psychotherapy too regarding my porn and drugs issues. but I never really focused too much about what happened when i was young.

    Today however, although i'm free of my bad coping strategies i still feel immense anger and hate towards the person who abused me and i don't even feel that 'justice' in the legal sense is even possible. This person was actually not that much older than me at the time but the pain and the memories remain.

    Most days are Ok but every now and then i can still hear him and i get transported back, then i feel like i want to punch and kick but i can't because he's not there.

    I don't know if i will ever be able to stop having these terrible moments but i do know that i need to talk to someone about it in more detail than i have done in the past and focus on overcoming it somehow.
    RainbowShell likes this.
  11. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

    I think a proffesional help would be useful.
  12. lamstronger

    lamstronger Fapstronaut

    It is possible, but it requires professional help (i.e psychologist or psychotherapist)
    RainbowShell likes this.
  13. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut

    Its not your fault.
    I want you to know people are here for you. And I want to help you.
    And I have no idea how to do that, by the way. But I will try.
    If there is anything you can imagine me saying that is better than this, let me know.
    RainbowShell likes this.
  14. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut


    I highly highly recommend either seeking a certified sex therapist or better yet attending a SAA meeting. There was a guy who had a similar experience and he was kind kind open enough to share it with us during a group talk.
    RainbowShell likes this.
  15. stands to reason

    stands to reason Fapstronaut

    Yes, it is possible. The 4 RULES to End Sexual Sin will help you build a solid relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ and will end all your sexual sin. This will be a source to give your pain to Jesus, and start to heal. You can do this. I will help you.
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2019
  16. b-v-o-y

    b-v-o-y Fapstronaut

    I have no idea what it must be like to go through something like that. I was deeply touched and also sorry to hear about what happened. Just wanted to let you know that you have my support and the support of the rest of this community, even though we don't know you personally. I hope that you are able to find peace and move on from this experience.

    I really wish I could help. I do. I chose to study psychology for this reason, to help people overcome things like this - and more (like live happy, fulfilling lives). But I'm on this site myself because I need to help myself at this moment. The only piece of advice I can offer is that whatever you're feeling now, shame, guilt, etc. just know that it isn't permanent and that you can change it.
  17. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut

    I don't know how, but I'm confident you can and I hope you do.

    I'm listening. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
  18. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had several incidents as a teenage that involved sexual violence and rape. I never was the same person after that. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish I knew the answer.
  19. Di.Do.555

    Di.Do.555 Fapstronaut

    Bro we are all wounded some way or another. I have never dealt with such a pain before but i have my own traumas.
    1-You have to decide to heal.
    2-You stop being a victim ( it is a decision you make)
    3- You start talking to yourself in a gentle loving and caring way. You hold so much shame in you. You need to start reversing the cycle.
    4- Try a healing modality. i think EMDR is a very effective therapy with removing traumas. Another one i find it very effective is matrix reimprinting. Reiki - Eft , energy healing and more.
    If you need any further help please drop me a line. i am always here to help.

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