How do I heal?

[KZNWife752]

Hi, I’m new here. My husband and I have been together for 10 years almost. I first found his hard drives full of porn and computer history and everything else that it made me spiral into once I was triggered into investigation mode about 9 years ago. It’s been about 7 years since I first asked him to stop. First it was just “stop saving videos and images. Stop liking them on Reddit. Etc.” but I didn’t tell him to stop watching pornhub when he masturbated or to stop masturbating yet because at the time, I thought it was somehow unreasonable. Or at least, that’s what he had done a good job of convincing me. It’s been only a year that he finally came to the point of at least acknowledging how it’s affected me and said he’d stop. I thought he really felt empathy for me in the situation. And maybe he did. But he broke those promises over and over throughout the years. Too many times to count. And I am not speaking figuratively.

I used to be active, fun, smiley, confident, sexually energetic, could feel love, etc. Now, I am none of those things. I had a baby in 2016. I’m 31 years old. My body is not what it used to be. That’s when the porn started to really bother me. He wasn’t as interested in me, and I wasn’t all that interested in getting naked with him knowing that he was just looking at 18 year old women just earlier that day. How could I feel good about that? About myself? I can’t compare to them. And I’m not even an unattractive person. I have a really pretty face. But I see these women he’s attracted to and I just feel like absolute garbage. All he likes is “teen” “babysitter” “step daughter” etc. you get the idea. All things that seems really fucking gross to me. It makes me think of him as a pedophile, honestly. And I’ve lost my desire to sleep with him. Early in our relationship, when I was 21, I remember getting so turned on by pleasing him. I felt as if he “deserved” to be treated this way by me and it was so hot. Now? I don’t feel he deserves to have my body in that way.

Another thing that has happened to me, is my inability to feel loved by him through sex. I logically know he loves me. But when his actions (lying, etc) don’t say that, it’s hard to feel. When we do have sex, it feels only lustful. I never feel like he’s actually trying to connect with me or that sex was initiated because he felt connected to me. So of course, I disconnect during sex as well as a result. After years of this, it started to overflow into our whole relationship. He doesn’t try to connect with me outside of the bedroom either, which would help me get into the mood sometimes. It’s like porn has taken away his ability to connect. He doesn’t look at me with desire. He doesn’t notice me at all a lot of the time. Even when I do try to be sexy or know that I’m being sexy. Yet, when we go out in public, he checks out every 16-21 old we cross paths with. I see it all. And for years. I’ll be in mid sentence and he’s not connected in conversation enough with me to not notice these girls. It’s like his brain is always “on the lookout” for some young girl. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a lunch date with him completely ruined because I see him ogling young women. Even times we go out and do fun things with our daughter, my memories of fun are soon turned into memories of me feeling not good enough all day because I catch him. I don’t even like to go out with him anymore, which has turned me into even more of homebody than I had already become because of him.

anyway, that’s all I have to vent for now. He’s finally admitted that he has a problem and finally went to nofap and is in day 5 or 6 I believe. He’s cried with me enough that I actually feel like he truly sees what his addiction is doing to me, to us, and to our family this time. He’s done so much acknowledgment in the last few days and it’s like his eyes are finally open and his heart willing to really listen to me this time. I think he’s truly ready to change. I’m still terrified of giving him another chance. I’ve been here so many times. We’re going to go to couples counseling that specializes in this as well. I am already in therapy. Not looking forward to sharing what’s been going on in more detail than I had in the past with my therapist, but if I want to feel good enough again, I’m going to need to.

 

[Indiahel]

Im sorry to hear what you've gone trough. You don't deserve it.
Your husband sounds very addicted and it's probably going to be long recovery for him. It's good that you have supported him make him realize his addiction and it's effect.
I hope couples counselling helps both of you. You also have a young child that deserves example of loving partnership to help him create bonds in the future. It sounds like both of you have been taking right steps now with the counselling, nofap and communicating with each other.

 

[DefendMyHeart]

Sounds a lot like my husband. We would be in stores and he would be checking out women every chance he got. One time he ran the cart into me trying to second glance some woman down an isle we passed, and even him running the cart into me didn't stop him from staring. What was worse was when I confronted him on the spot about it, he lied and said it didn't happen. He really thought he was being discrete about it. So everytime it would happen I would bring it to his attention. He never stopped doing it, however.

Here is what I've learned about that aspect of the addiction. There is unconscious actions and conscious actions that happen when they encounter women in public. Because their brains become wired to porn, their brains think they are having sex with all those women they O to on the screen. Consciously they are aware they're not actually having sex with the women, but the brain wires it differently, and wires it as though they are. This makes them inclined to "seek out" mates. Consciously they love us and don't want to actually sleep with these other women, but, on the unconscious level their brains are wired to motivate them to do just that. This is why it gets to a point that just looking at the women provides the dopamine dump without actually engaging in the physical act of sexual contact. This is later reinforced when they MO to porn.

Dopamine is the motivating chemical. It is part of the natural reward system to produce a rewarding chemical to motivate us towards something pleasurable. Porn causes structural changes in the brain that basically screw up the reward system. They check out women because at some point in the addiction, these real life women, according to the structural changes in the reward system, are no different than the pixels on the screen. Real life becomes porn.
If you were to point out his actions to him as far as checking out other women, on some basic level, he wouldn't even be aware he was doing it until you brought him to reality by pointing it out in the moments he does it. That is how screwed up the brain becomes after years of watching pornography.

I did an experiment with my husband when he first started the recovery process. We were at the lake and there were 3 women in bikinis that were floating along in one of those big inner tube things. I told him to look at them, then bring his focus to himself, then look away. He looked at them, and kept looking at them, and stared at them so hard that it made them so uncomfortable that he was staring that they tried to lay down in the tube so he couldn't see them anymore. I finally punched him in the arm to get him to snap back to reality and he swore he didn't look at them for very long. I showed him the timer; he was staring at them for nearly a full minute. What was worse was he didn't even realize they were trying to hide from him until I pointed that out to him. Why didn't he understand that? I wondered. Because his brain was so wired to porn that he literally did not understand basic body language and their moving around only prepped his mind for a possible porn scene. Of course we never did an experiment like that again. It took me years later to fully understand why he reacted the way he did.

Do they want to get high? Yes, of course. Otherwise they wouldn't watch porn regularly. But most men have no idea of how their behavior is, much less understand why they're doing what they're doing. They will tell you that porn and you are separate and that is true to a conscious extent. They can't compartmentalize it in the brain the way they think they can because the brain works together as one unit. Nothing is separate. On a conscious level, you and porn are separate but on an unconscious level, everything is porn. That is why when you have sex with him, there's no connection and it is to just "get off".

The opposite of addiction isn't recovery. It is connection. The connection isn't there because it wasn't learned in childhood (more than likely, or young adult years something happened). This is not anything that you've done or not done in the marriage, which is something that needs to be fully understood for your healing. None of this is your fault. None of it has to do with how you look or don't look, what you do or don't do, or anything along those lines. You did your part to connect to him, he was just incapable of returning the favor because of how his brain was wired.

Low dopamine levels is often the cause of addictions. Low dopamine means little activity in the prefrontal cortex. With little activity in the prefrontal cortex, the more primitive brain is more powerful than the thinking brain. Increasing the activity in the PFC can be done in several ways, one of them being meditation. Others include improvement of metacognitive processes and cognitive processes. If he has a chance to do therapy to address his underlying issues on what led up to the addiction, it would help him overcome it as well. Does he have an accountability partner yet? That would also be helpful.

You mentioned couples counseling, but what about trauma counseling for yourself? It has been many years that you've lived in the "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. This takes a toll on the physical body as well. Your healing needs to be a priority as well so I hope you're considering that too.

 

[KZNWife752]

Sounds a lot like my husband. We would be in stores and he would be checking out women every chance he got. One time he ran the cart into me trying to second glance some woman down an isle we passed, and even him running the cart into me didn't stop him from staring. What was worse was when I confronted him on the spot about it, he lied and said it didn't happen. He really thought he was being discrete about it. So everytime it would happen I would bring it to his attention. He never stopped doing it, however.

Here is what I've learned about that aspect of the addiction. There is unconscious actions and conscious actions that happen when they encounter women in public. Because their brains become wired to porn, their brains think they are having sex with all those women they O to on the screen. Consciously they are aware they're not actually having sex with the women, but the brain wires it differently, and wires it as though they are. This makes them inclined to "seek out" mates. Consciously they love us and don't want to actually sleep with these other women, but, on the unconscious level their brains are wired to motivate them to do just that. This is why it gets to a point that just looking at the women provides the dopamine dump without actually engaging in the physical act of sexual contact. This is later reinforced when they MO to porn.

Dopamine is the motivating chemical. It is part of the natural reward system to produce a rewarding chemical to motivate us towards something pleasurable. Porn causes structural changes in the brain that basically screw up the reward system. They check out women because at some point in the addiction, these real life women, according to the structural changes in the reward system, are no different than the pixels on the screen. Real life becomes porn.
If you were to point out his actions to him as far as checking out other women, on some basic level, he wouldn't even be aware he was doing it until you brought him to reality by pointing it out in the moments he does it. That is how screwed up the brain becomes after years of watching pornography.

I did an experiment with my husband when he first started the recovery process. We were at the lake and there were 3 women in bikinis that were floating along in one of those big inner tube things. I told him to look at them, then bring his focus to himself, then look away. He looked at them, and kept looking at them, and stared at them so hard that it made them so uncomfortable that he was staring that they tried to lay down in the tube so he couldn't see them anymore. I finally punched him in the arm to get him to snap back to reality and he swore he didn't look at them for very long. I showed him the timer; he was staring at them for nearly a full minute. What was worse was he didn't even realize they were trying to hide from him until I pointed that out to him. Why didn't he understand that? I wondered. Because his brain was so wired to porn that he literally did not understand basic body language and their moving around only prepped his mind for a possible porn scene. Of course we never did an experiment like that again. It took me years later to fully understand why he reacted the way he did.

Do they want to get high? Yes, of course. Otherwise they wouldn't watch porn regularly. But most men have no idea of how their behavior is, much less understand why they're doing what they're doing. They will tell you that porn and you are separate and that is true to a conscious extent. They can't compartmentalize it in the brain the way they think they can because the brain works together as one unit. Nothing is separate. On a conscious level, you and porn are separate but on an unconscious level, everything is porn. That is why when you have sex with him, there's no connection and it is to just "get off".

The opposite of addiction isn't recovery. It is connection. The connection isn't there because it wasn't learned in childhood (more than likely, or young adult years something happened). This is not anything that you've done or not done in the marriage, which is something that needs to be fully understood for your healing. None of this is your fault. None of it has to do with how you look or don't look, what you do or don't do, or anything along those lines. You did your part to connect to him, he was just incapable of returning the favor because of how his brain was wired.

Low dopamine levels is often the cause of addictions. Low dopamine means little activity in the prefrontal cortex. With little activity in the prefrontal cortex, the more primitive brain is more powerful than the thinking brain. Increasing the activity in the PFC can be done in several ways, one of them being meditation. Others include improvement of metacognitive processes and cognitive processes. If he has a chance to do therapy to address his underlying issues on what led up to the addiction, it would help him overcome it as well. Does he have an accountability partner yet? That would also be helpful.

You mentioned couples counseling, but what about trauma counseling for yourself? It has been many years that you've lived in the "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. This takes a toll on the physical body as well. Your healing needs to be a priority as well so I hope you're considering that too.

Wow. Thank you for such an in-depth post. I can conceptualize all of this, however, my natural reaction was fear. What a beast he’s up against and how hard this is actually be for him and what does that mean for me and our relationship.

as far as trauma counseling goes. I am already in CPTSD therapy because of my childhood. Mom died when I was 8. Dealt with dads physical abuse and addiction to hard drugs and hookers. Got taken away. Lived with foster families. Was abused sexually by the dad in one of those families who also has addiction issues with porn (he would masturbate to me while I slept from ages 11-16). And was mentally and emotional abused by his wife for 7 of the years I lived with them. So yeah, I’m already dealing with a lot. I’ve shared my issues with my husband slightly with my therapist but not the porn issue. Just my self esteem issue in regards to our sex life and him checking out other women all the time. Also his lack of connection. Something about getting into his porn habits and what it is that he prefers, it’s not something I’ve felt eager to bring up. I feel a lot of secondhand shame. There are other things that I didn’t even mention in my original post that I will never speak a word to anyone about. I just can’t.

I appreciate you putting so much effort into your reply to me. So much.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Sounds a lot like my husband. We would be in stores and he would be checking out women every chance he got. One time he ran the cart into me trying to second glance some woman down an isle we passed, and even him running the cart into me didn't stop him from staring. What was worse was when I confronted him on the spot about it, he lied and said it didn't happen. He really thought he was being discrete about it. So everytime it would happen I would bring it to his attention. He never stopped doing it, however.

Here is what I've learned about that aspect of the addiction. There is unconscious actions and conscious actions that happen when they encounter women in public. Because their brains become wired to porn, their brains think they are having sex with all those women they O to on the screen. Consciously they are aware they're not actually having sex with the women, but the brain wires it differently, and wires it as though they are. This makes them inclined to "seek out" mates. Consciously they love us and don't want to actually sleep with these other women, but, on the unconscious level their brains are wired to motivate them to do just that. This is why it gets to a point that just looking at the women provides the dopamine dump without actually engaging in the physical act of sexual contact. This is later reinforced when they MO to porn.

Dopamine is the motivating chemical. It is part of the natural reward system to produce a rewarding chemical to motivate us towards something pleasurable. Porn causes structural changes in the brain that basically screw up the reward system. They check out women because at some point in the addiction, these real life women, according to the structural changes in the reward system, are no different than the pixels on the screen. Real life becomes porn.
If you were to point out his actions to him as far as checking out other women, on some basic level, he wouldn't even be aware he was doing it until you brought him to reality by pointing it out in the moments he does it. That is how screwed up the brain becomes after years of watching pornography.

I did an experiment with my husband when he first started the recovery process. We were at the lake and there were 3 women in bikinis that were floating along in one of those big inner tube things. I told him to look at them, then bring his focus to himself, then look away. He looked at them, and kept looking at them, and stared at them so hard that it made them so uncomfortable that he was staring that they tried to lay down in the tube so he couldn't see them anymore. I finally punched him in the arm to get him to snap back to reality and he swore he didn't look at them for very long. I showed him the timer; he was staring at them for nearly a full minute. What was worse was he didn't even realize they were trying to hide from him until I pointed that out to him. Why didn't he understand that? I wondered. Because his brain was so wired to porn that he literally did not understand basic body language and their moving around only prepped his mind for a possible porn scene. Of course we never did an experiment like that again. It took me years later to fully understand why he reacted the way he did.

Do they want to get high? Yes, of course. Otherwise they wouldn't watch porn regularly. But most men have no idea of how their behavior is, much less understand why they're doing what they're doing. They will tell you that porn and you are separate and that is true to a conscious extent. They can't compartmentalize it in the brain the way they think they can because the brain works together as one unit. Nothing is separate. On a conscious level, you and porn are separate but on an unconscious level, everything is porn. That is why when you have sex with him, there's no connection and it is to just "get off".

The opposite of addiction isn't recovery. It is connection. The connection isn't there because it wasn't learned in childhood (more than likely, or young adult years something happened). This is not anything that you've done or not done in the marriage, which is something that needs to be fully understood for your healing. None of this is your fault. None of it has to do with how you look or don't look, what you do or don't do, or anything along those lines. You did your part to connect to him, he was just incapable of returning the favor because of how his brain was wired.

Low dopamine levels is often the cause of addictions. Low dopamine means little activity in the prefrontal cortex. With little activity in the prefrontal cortex, the more primitive brain is more powerful than the thinking brain. Increasing the activity in the PFC can be done in several ways, one of them being meditation. Others include improvement of metacognitive processes and cognitive processes. If he has a chance to do therapy to address his underlying issues on what led up to the addiction, it would help him overcome it as well. Does he have an accountability partner yet? That would also be helpful.

You mentioned couples counseling, but what about trauma counseling for yourself? It has been many years that you've lived in the "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. This takes a toll on the physical body as well. Your healing needs to be a priority as well so I hope you're considering that too.

Great post, the only thing I’d argue though, is they do still know what they are doing or they would not make so much effort to hide their actions. I have never experienced my husband ogling or noticing other women in real life. That’s just not a problem for him, however, a billboard or tv will catch his attention. Many times he would try to hide that second look, he knew damn well what was going on. He may have felt like he couldn’t stop himself. However, he knew. He might try and gaslight me that “ that’s not what happened “ but we both knew. He just couldn’t admit it.

 

[KZNWife752]

Great post, the only thing I’d argue though, is they do still know what they are doing or they would not make so much effort to hide their actions. I have never experienced my husband ogling or noticing other women in real life. That’s just not a problem for him, however, a billboard or tv will catch his attention. Many times he would try to hide that second look, he knew damn well what was going on. He may have felt like he couldn’t stop himself. However, he knew. He might try and gaslight me that “ that’s not what happened “ but we both knew. He just couldn’t admit it.

I feel that this is where my husbands lands too. He’s cognizant of what he’s doing. I doubt that the other posters husband is unique in experiencing that. But for me and my husband, it’s more like what you said.

edit: I meant to say doubt not don’t doubt.

 

[DefendMyHeart]

Great post, the only thing I’d argue though, is they do still know what they are doing or they would not make so much effort to hide their actions. I have never experienced my husband ogling or noticing other women in real life. That’s just not a problem for him, however, a billboard or tv will catch his attention. Many times he would try to hide that second look, he knew damn well what was going on. He may have felt like he couldn’t stop himself. However, he knew. He might try and gaslight me that “ that’s not what happened “ but we both knew. He just couldn’t admit it.

Oh I didn't say they didn't know what they were doing. I said they didn't understand why they were doing it, their behavior, and don't understand the extent of what they're doing, if that makes sense. They consciously look at other women, billboards, or whatever. However, that is when unconscious processing takes over and they don't realize they are staring in the way they're staring, or that they think they're being more discrete than they actually are is what I meant. My husband can spot skin from a distance and will automatically look in that direction. What he isn't aware of is that I can see him looking in that direction, and the other woman may also be aware of his staring. Those are things they're not aware of. I hope that clears up what I meant to say

 

[DefendMyHeart]

Wow. Thank you for such an in-depth post. I can conceptualize all of this, however, my natural reaction was fear. What a beast he’s up against and how hard this is actually be for him and what does that mean for me and our relationship.

as far as trauma counseling goes. I am already in CPTSD therapy because of my childhood. Mom died when I was 8. Dealt with dads physical abuse and addiction to hard drugs and hookers. Got taken away. Lived with foster families. Was abused sexually by the dad in one of those families who also has addiction issues with porn (he would masturbate to me while I slept from ages 11-16). And was mentally and emotional abused by his wife for 7 of the years I lived with them. So yeah, I’m already dealing with a lot. I’ve shared my issues with my husband slightly with my therapist but not the porn issue. Just my self esteem issue in regards to our sex life and him checking out other women all the time. Also his lack of connection. Something about getting into his porn habits and what it is that he prefers, it’s not something I’ve felt eager to bring up. I feel a lot of secondhand shame. There are other things that I didn’t even mention in my original post that I will never speak a word to anyone about. I just can’t.

I appreciate you putting so much effort into your reply to me. So much.

This can be a life long addiction. Ive seen some men posting on here in the success stories that have claimed to have beaten it though. Ive also read that the recovery rate is small, so that is where I'm hoping to focus my research on.

If your husband is like the average, he was exposed around 10 or 11 years old and watched through puberty. This is why it becomes so hard to beat is because this is taking place during the second pruning process of the brain. This is when the brain strengthens what is "needed" and discards things deemed not important. Thank goodness for Neuroplasticity.

I'm sorry to hear that you went through so much trauma in your life. You didn't deserve any of that and it sucks that you had to experience it.

 

[KZNWife752]

Oh I didn't say they didn't know what they were doing. I said they didn't understand why they were doing it, their behavior, and don't understand the extent of what they're doing, if that makes sense. They consciously look at other women, billboards, or whatever. However, that is when unconscious processing takes over and they don't realize they are staring in the way they're staring, or that they think they're being more discrete than they actually are is what I meant. My husband can spot skin from a distance and will automatically look in that direction. What he isn't aware of is that I can see him looking in that direction, and the other woman may also be aware of his staring. Those are things they're not aware of. I hope that clears up what I meant to say

Ah, yes, this sounds accurate for us with further explanation.

 

[Trobone]

Hi, I’m new here. My husband and I have been together for 10 years almost. I first found his hard drives full of porn and computer history and everything else that it made me spiral into once I was triggered into investigation mode about 9 years ago. It’s been about 7 years since I first asked him to stop. First it was just “stop saving videos and images. Stop liking them on Reddit. Etc.” but I didn’t tell him to stop watching pornhub when he masturbated or to stop masturbating yet because at the time, I thought it was somehow unreasonable. Or at least, that’s what he had done a good job of convincing me. It’s been only a year that he finally came to the point of at least acknowledging how it’s affected me and said he’d stop. I thought he really felt empathy for me in the situation. And maybe he did. But he broke those promises over and over throughout the years. Too many times to count. And I am not speaking figuratively.

I used to be active, fun, smiley, confident, sexually energetic, could feel love, etc. Now, I am none of those things. I had a baby in 2016. I’m 31 years old. My body is not what it used to be. That’s when the porn started to really bother me. He wasn’t as interested in me, and I wasn’t all that interested in getting naked with him knowing that he was just looking at 18 year old women just earlier that day. How could I feel good about that? About myself? I can’t compare to them. And I’m not even an unattractive person. I have a really pretty face. But I see these women he’s attracted to and I just feel like absolute garbage. All he likes is “teen” “babysitter” “step daughter” etc. you get the idea. All things that seems really fucking gross to me. It makes me think of him as a pedophile, honestly. And I’ve lost my desire to sleep with him. Early in our relationship, when I was 21, I remember getting so turned on by pleasing him. I felt as if he “deserved” to be treated this way by me and it was so hot. Now? I don’t feel he deserves to have my body in that way.

Another thing that has happened to me, is my inability to feel loved by him through sex. I logically know he loves me. But when his actions (lying, etc) don’t say that, it’s hard to feel. When we do have sex, it feels only lustful. I never feel like he’s actually trying to connect with me or that sex was initiated because he felt connected to me. So of course, I disconnect during sex as well as a result. After years of this, it started to overflow into our whole relationship. He doesn’t try to connect with me outside of the bedroom either, which would help me get into the mood sometimes. It’s like porn has taken away his ability to connect. He doesn’t look at me with desire. He doesn’t notice me at all a lot of the time. Even when I do try to be sexy or know that I’m being sexy. Yet, when we go out in public, he checks out every 16-21 old we cross paths with. I see it all. And for years. I’ll be in mid sentence and he’s not connected in conversation enough with me to not notice these girls. It’s like his brain is always “on the lookout” for some young girl. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a lunch date with him completely ruined because I see him ogling young women. Even times we go out and do fun things with our daughter, my memories of fun are soon turned into memories of me feeling not good enough all day because I catch him. I don’t even like to go out with him anymore, which has turned me into even more of homebody than I had already become because of him.

anyway, that’s all I have to vent for now. He’s finally admitted that he has a problem and finally went to nofap and is in day 5 or 6 I believe. He’s cried with me enough that I actually feel like he truly sees what his addiction is doing to me, to us, and to our family this time. He’s done so much acknowledgment in the last few days and it’s like his eyes are finally open and his heart willing to really listen to me this time. I think he’s truly ready to change. I’m still terrified of giving him another chance. I’ve been here so many times. We’re going to go to couples counseling that specializes in this as well. I am already in therapy. Not looking forward to sharing what’s been going on in more detail than I had in the past with my therapist, but if I want to feel good enough again, I’m going to need to.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. I know if my wife read this she would be able to relate.

I'm also glad he's making different choices this time. While nofap is fine and all, I would suggest he needs his own specialized therapist, some good books to read, saa meetings, etc. Obviously not everything is right for everyone, but for me using Fortify and its journaling/tracking system was good for me.

 

[KZNWife752]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. I know if my wife read this she would be able to relate.

I'm also glad he's making different choices this time. While nofap is fine and all, I would suggest he needs his own specialized therapist, some good books to read, saa meetings, etc. Obviously not everything is right for everyone, but for me using Fortify and its journaling/tracking system was good for me.

We’re planning on getting him therapy on his own. I found a therapist who specializes in sex and porn addiction who does both single and couples counseling. He def needs it, as he was also sexually abused as a child and he feels that it plays a factor. He’s never talked about it with anyone except for me, so he’s long overdue for therapy. Right now, he’s just tracking his progress in his notes. I worry that it won’t be enough long term. I found a podcast of two male therapists who are also recovering porn addicts and they talk about it from a psychological perspective and talk about pain it causes the wives as well and how it affects them too. It’s called “porn, betrayal, sex, and the experts.” I feel like I’m more likely to get him onto that or a book he can listen to on audible than actually doing some sort of program online or any type of meeting.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

We’re planning on getting him therapy on his own. I found a therapist who specializes in sex and porn addiction who does both single and couples counseling. He def needs it, as he was also sexually abused as a child and he feels that it plays a factor. He’s never talked about it with anyone except for me, so he’s long overdue for therapy. Right now, he’s just tracking his progress in his notes. I worry that it won’t be enough long term. I found a podcast of two male therapists who are also recovering porn addicts and they talk about it from a psychological perspective and talk about pain it causes the wives as well and how it affects them too. It’s called “porn, betrayal, sex, and the experts.” I feel like I’m more likely to get him onto that or a book he can listen to on audible than actually doing some sort of program online or any type of meeting.

You really should not be “ getting him” into anything. For long term recovery, he has to want it, work it, and do it himself. There are multiple reasons for this. You need to focus on your healing. Finding a counselor for you. Healing yourself. If he really wants recovery, he will step up and find a counselor, he will reach out and join a group, he will do the work needed. If he doesn’t step up, this kinda tells you if he thinks it’s important or not. Actions. Not words. What is he doing to get into recovery? He has to want it for himself. Bloom for women is a great resource for you. Btr.org might b something you could try. It wasn’t for me but many others love it. Themodernmrandmrs has some good resources. Take care of you. Watch him and see what he does.

 

[KZNWife752]

You really should not be “ getting him” into anything. For long term recovery, he has to want it, work it, and do it himself. There are multiple reasons for this. You need to focus on your healing. Finding a counselor for you. Healing yourself. If he really wants recovery, he will step up and find a counselor, he will reach out and join a group, he will do the work needed. If he doesn’t step up, this kinda tells you if he thinks it’s important or not. Actions. Not words. What is he doing to get into recovery? He has to want it for himself. Bloom for women is a great resource for you.. might b something you could try. It wasn’t for me but many others love it. Themodernmrandmrs has some good resources. Take care of you. Watch him and see what he does.

I’m already in trauma therapy for healing. Comment on my childhood above. I need couples therapy. That IS for me. He agrees that he needs a therapist and he brought it up first stating the reason being his sexual abuse. When I say “get him into”, I mean, if I offer all of those suggestions as options, that’s the most likely one he’d want to do, because I’m already into it and because he likes podcasts and books and learning. It’s kind of like how I “got him into the bachelor”. I didn’t make him watch it, but he would catch me watching it and become interested even after making fun of the show for years. Now he’s into all the drama and loves it. I don’t literally mean make him do it. I can’t make him do anything. Learned that about 8 years ago.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I’m already in trauma therapy for healing. Comment on my childhood above. I need couples therapy. That IS for me. He agrees that he needs a therapist and he brought it up first stating the reason being his sexual abuse. When I say “get him into”, I mean, if I offer all of those suggestions as options, that’s the most likely one he’d want to do, because I’m already into it and because he likes podcasts and books and learning. It’s kind of like how I “got him into the bachelor”. I didn’t make him watch it, but he would catch me watching it and become interested even after making fun of the show for years. Now he’s into all the drama and loves it. I don’t literally mean make him do it. I can’t make him do anything. Learned that about 8 years ago.

Lol, and I don’t mean make him do it either, because you’re right, you can’t make him do anything. What I mean is exactly what you are doing, is not what you should be doing. It’s what we, as partners usually do. We all do it! Offer suggestions, hint at things that will help, show him what we have learned. It’s hard to stop, to sit back and watch him to see what he does. This is part of his recovery. Finding the help he needs on his own. Stepping back, actually helps both of you. Someone who wants to get into recovery, who wants help, doesn’t need us to find a therapist or a group. They will do it on their own. Act as if he is single. If he were single and wanted to get into recovery what would he do? Would he only watch a podcast? Would he join a group? How badly does he want to get into recovery?

 

[Slimjimjones]

Damn this is a very dense thread, yah hate to hear it. All of this just reinforces hatred for porn in fellas like myself. Y'all tough as hell, be proud of that at least. Good luck lassies

 

[KZNWife752]

Lol, and I don’t mean make him do it either, because you’re right, you can’t make him do anything. What I mean is exactly what you are doing, is not what you should be doing. It’s what we, as partners usually do. We all do it! Offer suggestions, hint at things that will help, show him what we have learned. It’s hard to stop, to sit back and watch him to see what he does. This is part of his recovery. Finding the help he needs on his own. Stepping back, actually helps both of you. Someone who wants to get into recovery, who wants help, doesn’t need us to find a therapist or a group. They will do it on their own. Act as if he is single. If he were single and wanted to get into recovery what would he do? Would he only watch a podcast? Would he join a group? How badly does he want to get into recovery?

I see what you’re saying to an extent. As far as finding him a therapist, I’ve been involved with therapy for years and know what to look for in terms of qualifications and the types of issues they are able to help with, as well as the types of therapy methods they have experience with. I know how to interview therapists and what questions to ask. The last thing I would want is for him to end up with a therapist who believes “ogling women is normal behavior”. Because a LOT of therapists see this as normal human/man behavior, unfortunately. I’ve already read two threads since I joined yesterday that have mentioned their spouses therapist as someone who “doesn’t believe in porn addiction”. The way our household works, I have made every doctors appointment for the family, decided every health care decision, insurance dealings, etc. That is a part of my role, and I do it very well. This is something he asked me to do for him because he knows I will find him someone who is great! Because he does want to get better and he knows I’ll find the best. Not everyone is the same. Our dynamics may be different than what you’re used to. As far as the podcast goes. We have since had a discussion where I simply told him, “I want you to decide what tools you use, when, how often, etc, however, I am on my own healing joinery as well and may need to process feelings with you from time to time in order to release trauma. I’m listening to a great podcast with two therapists who are both ex addicts and they talk a lot about the SO’s trauma as well. If something resonates with me and I feel like it could be a great way to open up a dialog about something I need to process with you, I’ll send you the episode. You don’t have to listen to it, or you can do so when you’re ready, but I feel that would be helpful as a tool in repairing our relationship.” He without hesitation said “I think that’s a great idea! I’ll absolutely listen to it.” Furthermore, if he can’t handle supporting me in my healing journey and meet my needs as well while still putting in the work for himself, then it won’t work, and I don’t care to be a part of that kind of relationship. But for us, when it’s time to do repair work, we both talk to each other a lot, listen, and figure out what we need to do for each other because we are ultimately a team. But I am not going to say to my self “I can’t offer him tools that will help me, because he didn’t find them on his own.” I’m taking control of what I know I need, and I’m involving him in that. Whether is chooses to participate is ultimately up to him, yes. But we’ve made it this far and he’s continued to get better and better in every other area in our relationship over the years. So I’m going to take the guess that he is going to participate and put in a genuine effort here as well. I’m certainly not going to sit around and play the wait and see game when this is very much about me and my family just as much as it’s about him and his. I played the wait and see game early in our relationship along with the he who cares least wins game and many others. I’m past all that. We’ve grown into something better than that fortunately and I don’t need to “test” him in that way.

 

[p1n1983]

I have been together for 10 years almost.

I was triggered into investigation mode about 9 years ago.

So you started been paranoid from the very beginning. You know he did something that wans't of your liking but you stick to him anyway.

It’s been about 7 years since I first asked him to stop.

If he is into porn is his choice to leave it behind if he feels that is something that is damaging his life. If he is not the one with the idea to change then is probably that he is not going to change.

First it was just “stop saving videos and images. Stop liking them on Reddit. Etc.”

You have no rigth to tell him what to do. You only can tell him what is not permited in a realtionship with you. If he is not into that then you cannot have a relationship together.

but I didn’t tell him to stop watching pornhub when he masturbated or to stop masturbating yet because at the time, I thought it was somehow unreasonable.

It is unreasinable to demand another person to chance for us. I must be the other person to change. You can only set healthy boundries.

that’s what he had done a good job of convincing me.

He wasn't into the idea of leaving for behind so he convinced you that is was ok to do it. Instead of standing your ground, you cave under it becase I guess you didn't wanted to loose him. You negotieted poorly.

It’s been only a year that he finally came to the point of at least acknowledging how it’s affected me and said he’d stop. I thought he really felt empathy for me in the situation. And maybe he did. But he broke those promises over and over throughout the years. Too many times to count. And I am not speaking figuratively.

He showed you the way he is. He failed to quit porn over and over. Why did you stick to a person like this? whay didn't you accepted the fact that he wasn't the man that you were looking for? For some reason you decided to stick with a man that over and over turn you down.

I used to be active, fun, smiley, confident, sexually energetic, could feel love, etc. Now, I am none of those things.

Again.. this guy turn you into a miserable person. Why are you still letting him bring you down this way? there are guys out there that have their shit together... why keep waisting time trying to fix a guy that have this can of shot going on even before knowing you?

And I’ve lost my desire to sleep with him.

So you are basically roomates. Do you want to speand the rest of your life in a sexless relationship without feeling nothing for your man? Do you want your child to learn that a sexless relationship without love is what is normal?

Early in our relationship, when I was 21, I remember getting so turned on by pleasing him. I felt as if he “deserved” to be treated this way by me and it was so hot.

This is how it supose to be, this is how it support to feel. Good behaviour is rewarded with good behavior. Bad behavior is not acceptable, once a person have bad behaviour with you you need to set healthy boundries with them, if they keep behaving poorly you need to show them the door. Stand your ground, always, don't let people walk all over you.

Now? I don’t feel he deserves to have my body in that way.

He doesn't. After 10 years of the same behaviour he showed you over and over that he is this way and you are totally turned off by him.

I don’t even like to go out with him anymore, which has turned me into even more of homebody than I had already become because of him.

Why are you still with this guy? because you are married? because you have a child with him? he don't deserve you anymore, don't waste more time with a guy that values more porn than you.

He’s finally admitted that he has a problem and finally went to nofap and is in day 5 or 6 I believe. He’s cried with me enough that I actually feel like he truly sees what his addiction is doing to me, to us, and to our family this time. He’s done so much acknowledgment in the last few days and it’s like his eyes are finally open and his heart willing to really listen to me this time. I think he’s truly ready to change.

You gave 10 years to a guy that constantly failed on you in this matter. How more many years are you going to waste on him? there are plenty of guys out there that have their shit together... life is short to waste it with the wrong people.

I’m still terrified of giving him another chance. I’ve been here so many times.

Because you know that he is going to fail eventually. Is like been in a relationship with a cheater. If he cheated on you many time he is probably going to cheat on you again.
This guy knows that if he fail on you again with porn you are not going to do nothing about it, you are ust going to protest.. rant on NoFap but do nothing about it.
Action must have a concecuence, his actions have no concecues at all. Stop that.. start to set boundries in your life and get ride of people that bring you down.

 

[p1n1983]

You really should not be “ getting him” into anything. For long term recovery, he has to want it, work it, and do it himself. There are multiple reasons for this. You need to focus on your healing. Finding a counselor for you. Healing yourself. If he really wants recovery, he will step up and find a counselor, he will reach out and join a group, he will do the work needed. If he doesn’t step up, this kinda tells you if he thinks it’s important or not. Actions. Not words.

Read this.. over and over.

 

[DefendMyHeart]

. I’ve already read two threads since I joined yesterday that have mentioned their spouses therapist as someone who “doesn’t believe in porn addiction”

My husband had three in a row that flat out told him that watching porn was normal. The third one asked told him that maybe I was too uptight about it and he should bring porn into the bedroom with us to loosen me up and spice up the marriage. The third therapist I actually questioned prior to my husband seeing him and asked him flat out if he believed porn addiction was a real thing. He said yes. So either he lied to me, or, he believes it is real but enables people to continue it.

His 4th therapist didn't see porn addiction as a thing either but was willing to still try and work with my husband about it. It ended up being sessions where my husband taught him about stuff so my husbands issues were never addressed. He eventually quit going because the therapist almost fell asleep during his last visit, so he didn't feel as though it was conducive to his healing to continue.

We don't have therapists in our state that specialize in sex addiction, which is unfortunate. I'm glad to see that you know exactly what to look for because it is so important and some SO's go into this blindly and it ends up coming back on them.

My husbands 1st therapist gave him every justification in the book to watch porn, and my husband jumped on that opportunity. Then the therapist advised him to keep it from me. This was after me talking to this therapist for hours over how the addiction impacted my husband, me, our kids, and our marriage. I asked if he could help my husband, and he said he could. I didn't realize his "help" was pushing my husband back towards it. This is also why I feel it is important to also stay involved to an extent in the therapy until the PA is fully committed to quitting on their own and willing to "dump" therapists who do not facilitate quitting and healing. I know now that if my husband did pick therapy back up, he wouldn't stay with one that encouraged porn.

 

[KZNWife752]

My husband had three in a row that flat out told him that watching porn was normal. The third one asked told him that maybe I was too uptight about it and he should bring porn into the bedroom with us to loosen me up and spice up the marriage. The third therapist I actually questioned prior to my husband seeing him and asked him flat out if he believed porn addiction was a real thing. He said yes. So either he lied to me, or, he believes it is real but enables people to continue it.

His 4th therapist didn't see porn addiction as a thing either but was willing to still try and work with my husband about it. It ended up being sessions where my husband taught him about stuff so my husbands issues were never addressed. He eventually quit going because the therapist almost fell asleep during his last visit, so he didn't feel as though it was conducive to his healing to continue.

We don't have therapists in our state that specialize in sex addiction, which is unfortunate. I'm glad to see that you know exactly what to look for because it is so important and some SO's go into this blindly and it ends up coming back on them.

My husbands 1st therapist gave him every justification in the book to watch porn, and my husband jumped on that opportunity. Then the therapist advised him to keep it from me. This was after me talking to this therapist for hours over how the addiction impacted my husband, me, our kids, and our marriage. I asked if he could help my husband, and he said he could. I didn't realize his "help" was pushing my husband back towards it. This is also why I feel it is important to also stay involved to an extent in the therapy until the PA is fully committed to quitting on their own and willing to "dump" therapists who do not facilitate quitting and healing. I know now that if my husband did pick therapy back up, he wouldn't stay with one that encouraged porn.

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough go with therapists. It’s super unfortunate. I had a hard time finding a qualified cPTSD therapist because it’s not in the DSM yet. It took many weeks of consultations to get a feel for whether a therapist was fully invested in and and understood how invasive childhood trauma can truly be on the psyche in a PTSD form and it’s the cause of so many mental illnesses that we as a society have been treating on their own as if they aren’t almost ALL just symptoms of things that happened to us in childhood. This was before cPTSD gained popularity the last few years. Often times, therapists are working with very outdated information. When I searched for a therapist for husband and for couples therapy, I found one that specifically mentioned on their site that they are specialized in porn and sex addiction and betrayal trauma. Which leads me to believe they know that the two are a package deal and look at this from the lens of porn being harmful. So I feel pretty confident in their abilities to help. Thankfully!