How do I heal?

I was also molested as a preteen by an older friend. I didn't tell anyone until I told my wife about 6 years into our marriage.

The therapist will be able to help him find structure. I asked mine to give me homework (I said "kick my ass") and she did and it helped give me focus between appointments. It also forced me to really examine things.

As I said, I'm glad he's making different choices than in the past. However on your side, keep those boundaries clear and up. It's not your job to monitor his sobriety or progress or whatnot. It is your job to protect yourself and work on your own recovery.

 

My first therapist absolutely told me it was just an impulse control issue. That porn was OK as long as I did it at appropriate times and that I should not feel guilty about it and that I didn't have to tell my wife as long as I did it at those times and didn't cross the line into emotional affairs.

I get why she said it - I get why that's the advice of some - however my mind took it as the go ahead to not make big changes and instead just hide and try and self regulate. Which I failed at.

 

Despite the fact I don't agree with you at all, since I always choose (and suggest people) to have relationships with people that already made their work and are in their best (like I am) so we can share our happines and not our problems and baggage, I'm glad that my words helped you in someway. That's why I'm here for so good luck!

 

The way my csat explained it was this, addicts get stuck at a certain age ( for my husband it was 15). So for an so who is not an addict, of course we are better at appointments, bills, etc. we end up doing that because “ we are better”. My mom made all my appointments until I became an adult. Then I did it. My husband expected me to do that for him and I did to an extent for the first few years. Because I was better. But really? Better at what? Paying bills? Making a doctors appointment? Things all adults learn to do? Part of their recovery is learning to take responsibility for their life, choices, decisions. To make mistakes. To grow up. You may feel like you and your husband are a team, but with an addict there isn’t really a team. The addict is team addict while the partner is team relationship. If you were a team, he would’ve quit the very first time he saw it hurt you. Or he would’ve sought out help. This is a hard pill to swallow. I’ve been with my husband 34 years. He worked his tail off to be able for me to stay at home with the kids. He provided well enough that I started my own horse ranch. He supported me in every endeavor. He volunteered at the kids school and was there for every function. So it felt like we were a team. Except, he was undermining our relationship with porn use and lying about it. You’re right, every relationship is different. However, all addicts share similarities and one thing I’ve learned, the addict has to want it enough to take responsibility and guide his own recovery. It’s not about testing him, it’s about letting go and watching him learn. Or not.

 

This is very true and it is something that has been looked at as an aspect of PA. Is this something you heard recently? Did they say from where they saw it? (Still looking for sources is why I ask).

In my case, I noticed this with my husband and in the beginning I helped him learn how to do things on his own, much like what you would have to do with a teenager. It is something they should know as adults, and us non-addicts know this to be the case. But, for someone who is stuck in that teen mindset, they could use the assistance to get started when they're ready to get going with recovery, is what I believe.
There are still times I will look up things for him. Not because he doesn't know how to do it on his own, but because of potential triggering content on the websites. The last therapist he saw was in the same facility as the one I was seeing. To find his contact information, you had to go to a page that listed every employee there. On this list was also a yoga instructor doing a yoga pose. He went to the site himself the first time. After that, when he needed to contact the guy again, he asked me if I could get the information for him. Because he was aware of the triggering picture, and didn't want to expose himself to it again, I felt this was a good step in the right direction for his recovery. He could have hid it from me and found excuses to continue to go on the site but he didn't. He was honest about it and this showed growth.
When he wanted to sign up for a meditation program for his recovery, he asked me to sign him up because they also do yoga there and he was worried about potential triggers.
Sometimes they need assistance. If the SO is willing (by no means is it an obligation) I feel this is helpful for supporting the PA in recovery. I equate it to the same as I would do if one of my teen kids came to me with the same problem. I would help them understand what to look for and what not to look for in steps towards recovery. I would be there if they needed me to be in case the therapist wasn't actually helping them by assisting with the termination of services. It is unfortunate to look at our husbands as teenagers who need help, but when you consider how damaging the addiction is, it is necessary for recovery.

I do agree that their recovery does need to be taken into their own hands and there is a fine line between needing assistance and reliance on the SO, and the SO should understand this so they are not holding their partner back by doing everything for them. They do need to be careful and protect themselves from further trauma as much as possible. At some point the SO does need to let go and allow the PA to learn how to get themselves out of situations because this will help with healing. This is where my husband and I are at now. He comes to me only when he needs help with something, or if he does something on purpose. His main issues now are his anger and his selfishness.

I know my journal is full of entries that go back and forth on feeling one way or another, but the way I handled my husbands recovery was what helped him get to the 232 day streak he is at today, with only 1 relapse since we started this almost 4 years ago. We got really lucky by finding an AP, or rather, the AP finding us, that could talk to him in a way that he understood things and was able to take over the things I had done. I was fortunate he was open to meditation and was able to help him get into programs that helped him grow substantially in his recovery. Had I not sent him those emails about those programs, he would have never known about them. Had I not posted on here about wanting to understand more about my husbands mindset, we never would have found his AP. I have seen his MC, Cog, EI, and reasoning abilities grow substantially over these last few months because of the things I helped him with. I didn't do it for him, but I did play a part. And he took the steps to take over and do things himself because he wanted to do them.
I guess what I'm saying through all this is, if the PA wants to quit, and the SO wants to help, there are ways to do so that are beneficial to the healing of both parties. I feel this should be something to look at as well. Scientifically speaking, it does bring up a good subject to investigate. I'm in no way saying that the SO should dive in head first and use herself as a cushion for her partners falls. Let him be the one to land on those jagged rocks if he falls and make that clear to him that those are his own injuries to deal with. I told my husband that if he relapses again, the marriage is over, and I meant it. I may toss him a pillow on my way out, because I'm not completely heartless.

 

I don’t know how/or studies about them being stuck. I only know that I always felt my husband acted around 15. When I was 23 I was really immature so the gap wasn’t huge, By the time I hit my 30’s it was. I told my csat this and she said that they get stuck. I’m not sure if it was here or a group I’m in, but one wife said her husband was stuck at about 9, and during an argument he pulled his pants down and farted at her and ran out of the room! Lol. I can’t even imagine dealing with that. I agree, your husband coming and asking for help when there is a trigger is huge. I think it’s a fine line between helping and hindering. What usually happens though, is we wives tend to try and do it for them. I agree , helping when asked or even forwarding an email or podcast isn’t going to hurt. But, driving them to counseling to make sure they go, or finding and signing them up for a group so they don’t miss it, or even just reminding them of their group appointments, none of that sounds bad right? But honestly, a man who really wants recovery will find a group, will set an alarm to remind himself of group, he will get into counseling on his own. If he can get a job and hold down a job then he does not need us to find him a group, a counselor or help. If it is important then he will do it. Now if he’s so addicted he can’t even get or hold down a job, then yeah, he may need a lot more help in the beginning. However, I think it’s our need to feel safe that drives us to help.

 

I think this is crossing the line, you are right. Like, I can help you make the appointment, but you've gotta be the one to get yourself there.

If I had to guess, I would say my husband was stuck at 14 or 15. When I met him, being in my 30's already, it was a huge gap. That immaturity was a huge turn off, but since a lot of men I knew acted the same way, I naively thought it was normal to an extent. That some men just matured differently. Looking back at those men, I'm willing to bet that they were also sex/porn addicts stuck in their teen years as well.

As far as finding my husband a counselor, I knew I had to be the one to do it. It turned out that there weren't any in our state that specialized in treating sexual addictions, but there were plenty of women therapists who specialized in "sex". I can only imagine if I had left that up to him, he would have been going from one to another to another after reluctantly telling me after several visits that they weren't helping him. It would have set him back even more. I wish that there was someone in our state that specialized in this area. I couldn't even find a group for him, which again, had I left that up to him, he would have ended up in areas he shouldn't be in.

I'm hopeful that the research I'm doing will help make a difference for this state. I have 2 members on my committee that are in charge of training future counselors. Hopefully they see the need for it and put this as part of the curriculum somehow.

 

Yes in that aspect we are very fortunate. There are several really good csats within an hour of us. He does saa groups on the phone/zoom. Those are pretty easy to find. He wanted sa groups but for some reason couldn’t find one ( maybe a time conflict?). He found the private group through his csat. I can say in 2 1/2years he has done all the work. He has changed into a different person. I wish we had found help sooner. This man I would’ve walked through fire for, this man is one any woman would b lucky to have.