How do I tell her?

You relapsed twice in one night?

 

I think you should tell her man. I know you don't want to and I don't blame ya. When I first relapsed after 10 days, my girlfriend was not even mad but disappointed. I can deal with anyone being mad at me, but disappointment hurts like hell. I believe addictions are real and you're going to have relapses but you want her to be part of the journey because it's easier to get through it when you have an accountability partner. Also, don't worry about what she may or may not to do. If she loves and cares about you, she will stick through the good and the bad.

 

I don't think it matters how you tell her, but you need to do it. I guess you have talked about lapses and handling them? If you have and you agreed you would tell her when it happens, then you just can't lie to her again. If you haven't - then maybe you should agree on a strategy to handle them.
Not telling her will just start the betrayal again. Which - for me - is the worst part. I am not scared of my husband lapsing, but I'm scared shitless that he will and he will hide it for me. Because if that happens once, it may as well happen a million times, and then we are back to square 1. Lapsing and telling me would be a setback for sure, but I would be able to muster some sympathy for him (which I would not, if he hid things from me AGAIN).
I also made a deal with my husband that if he ever EVER feels an urge or even a shadow of an urge he needs to try to get in touch with me (he is away a lot). I don't care if he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I want to be his "go to" place when he feels down. Always. Maybe you should come up with something to replace your "quick fix" of MO - when you feel like doing it talk to your wife, or write to her, or to yourself, or on here, or to God. Go running. Do pushups. Get it out of your system through some other channel. I understand it's easier said than done. But good luck anyway.

 

Sorry, this may seem harsh. It seems to me you are trying too hard to walk on eggshells. Ideally, your partner needs to be supportive and understanding. You cannot really please everyone. So, you may need to continue to recover and not worry much about hurting people's feelings.

 

If you wanted to protect her, you would have not MOd. You are only protecting yourself.

 

I think you already know what you need to do. You say you don't want to lie to her and you realize that if you do you'll carry a lot of guilt. A relationship cannot and should not be built on lies. Your fear that she will leave you is what's making you hesitate to tell her. In my case, I can pretty much always tell when something is off and I can tell you, the wondering what is wrong is awful.

This is something you should not and cannot do. Her emotions are her emotions, they are not for you to protect or influence, they just are. In my experience, porn numbs emotions and makes it hard for addicts to accept and handle the feelings of others. You need practice in accepting and expressing your own emotions and handling it when others express emotions. See this article for more information.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/negative-emotions-key-well-being/

FANOS is also a useful tool for practicing this, if you aren't doing it already. See my signature for a link. (If on a phone turn sideways to see it.)

As to how you should tell her, the important part is that you come clean. For me, hearing about a relapse is hard, yes, but what makes it either much better or much worse is whether my husband is able to truly listen to me, accept my feelings without becoming defensive and comfort me. (For me, I want physical comfort, a hug, a pat on the back, ect.) It helps to hear an apology that includes not just I'm sorry but, information about what went wrong (triggers) and a plan for how to do things differently next time.

I understand the place of pain from where you are coming. It is very easy for me, as the SO of a porn addict, to take his relapses as a personal attack on me. I'm not enough/he doesn't love me enough/he's not making me a priority. However, I do think, with an addiction, it is more complicated than that.

 

@rebooterS there is a downloadable video by Dr. Doug Weiss called " Helping Her Heal" that I just can't recommend enough to PAs. My husband was absolutely blown away by the video and it really helped him to understand how his actions affected me. I apologize if my words sounded harsh, but they echo a lot of that video which really helped my PA husband to realize that he indeed was protecting himself by not telling me the truth and by hiding things and with his acting out. Honestly that video is amazing-watch it with your partner and I can guarentee that she will feel validated and will appreciate you watching it.

 

@Sadgirl, is this the right video?

http://www.mynewday.tv/shows/helping-her-heal

 

I am not sure what info is in that interview (I will watch it later today when I have time), but the dowloadable videos that made a huge difference for my husband were found here:http://drdougweiss.com/product/helping-her-heal/
Seriously I think all PAs and SOs can benefit tremendously from watching these!

 

Get a plan, write down what lead you there and how you can destroy the pathways and triggers that lead you there. That way you can go to your SO with some good news instead of just bad news. Your SO may or may not want to be your accountability partner and that's ok. If not, find several APs here or among your friends that you can message and stay motivated. If you don't, you'll get sucked back in repeatedly forever.

 

@Sadgirl, I just watched that video link that I pasted in up there....it was basically a commercial for the Helping Her Heal video series....the interviewers were a little bit cheeset imo, but, when Dr. Doug Weiss was speaking, he was spot on about everything he said -- basically a 20-minute preview of that video series.

It looks extremely valuable...fyi, definitely Christian-based.

 

Here is a link to a 5-minute preview of the actual DVD (or video download) series:


That link isn't the best intro....I thought the very cheesy interview -- that first link above -- was a bettee grand overview of the series.

 

Here is the official description of the video series:

Helping Her Heal
This instant video is for the man who has disclosed his sexual addiction. Helping Her Heal offers practical tools for hearing her pain, navigating her grief and losses, discovering her expectations of you and the boundaries she may need to heal. This instant video can save you many long nights and ongoing counseling when these tools are applied. Take advantage of Dr. Weiss' more than 20 years of professional experience counseling partners of sex addicts.

 

Note: I am not affiliated in any way with this video series....I will purchase it today and watch/listen to it today/tonight (tomorrow too if it's super long). And I'll write about it.

 

We are secular and the actual video was not religious. My husband has huge triggers with religion due to religious abuse, but the video was not triggering at all.

 

Glad you told her. How did it go?