How do I tell her?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Rebooter S, Dec 3, 2017.

  1. @Rebooter S , @Sadgirl -- I bought the Help Her Heal videos and listened to the first 60-minute video (it took me a couple hours, as I was trying to take it all in .. and take notes)

    I'm thoroughly was very ... I can't think of a better term than penetrating. It TOTALLY takes the PA and makes you see things from your SO's perspective --- in ways I hadn't thought of. It actually kind of hurts to listen to the whole thing...but I think it's a very healthy, empathetic pain that is so good for the PA. (it was good for me)


    My notes from the first video are below. I did not go through these and make any edits...the perspectives / points of view are all over the place -- in terms of from the doctor's words talking to PA or me personalizing it talking about "my wife". So please bear with all that....hopefully it makes sense. These notes are in chronological order of the 1-hour video.....if anyone has any questions about a part, I can easily find it / re-listen and expound on a part.

    But of course these notes don't do the doctor's words justice ... actually hearing him and his tone -- at a couple points he is yelling at the screen / at the PA ... for example the line "EVERYTHING IN YOUR WIFE'S LIFE WAS CHANGED".

    Anyway, I hope these notes are helpful.


    What Happened on DDay from my wife's perspective
    * she inherited a secret / a burden that she didn't ask for
    * every day / everything she does, she thinks of the pain I caused her

    * everything that she knew is now a lie
    * everything is tainted or colored or filtered

    * she doesn't know who I am--the "monster guy" or the "good guy"
    * is the good guy she it real?
    * she doesn't know who she is to me?

    * spiritually, she doesn't know what she believes---especially if I am a practicing religious person

    * emotionally, she is feeling feelings like she's never felt before

    * she is in shock: fear, anger, denial

    * she loves you and she hates you
    * what I have done is unimaginable dark

    * don't be confused when she loves me and hates me
    * it's my hate caused this -- my "hate" is when I PM'ed..I didn't think that was hating my wife, but my wife sees those times like I HATED her each and every time

    * her mind: she doesn't know what to it me / is it the addiction / can he get better / is it worth it
    * her mind will not always be stable

    * she has no confidence in her future
    * are we going to make it? / am I going to have to find another man?

    * her body: she feels dirty..her body is not enough for me
    * she thinks I needed more....every flaw she has is magnified. Nothing about my wife
    * when she flinches away .. remember, I did that when I went porn
    * she looks in the mirror and wonders about her beauty
    * sometimes, she doesn't want me to look at her

    * she feels unprotected .. she feels defiled by the dark side

    * her family: she now has a burden..does she tell or not tell?

    * her children: does she tell them now? does she tell them later?
    * she has to carry this dark secret with her own children

    * her whole belief in marriage is challenged
    * if she is holding onto her marriage, you have to understand SHE IS A HERO

    * does she tell her friends? or not tell her friends

    * post traumatic stress symptoms

    * Analogy: you shoot her wife an Uzi .. she is laying on the floor .. asking me to help .... SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR HOW SORE YOUR FINGER IS FROM PULLING THE TRIGGER
    * she needs her man to help her take out each bullet that I shoot her with
    * You need to know help her heal
    Your Disposition
    * your wife is amazing that she even wants to try to trust you again

    * your general disposition is a HUGE factor in her healing

    * Two Different Opposing Ways
    1. "Hurry Up Honey" .. I know the bullets hurt..but can you hurry up and heal from those wounds
    ** if you do this, you will cause your wife more pain
    ** you will push her further away from you
    ** if she is sitting with you / wanting to try to be married to you, it is SO DISRESPECTFUL to tell her to hurry up
    ** don't expect your wife to have the same happiness / same __fill-in-the-blank__ after you just shoot her with an Uzi
    ** the hurry up guy complains about the boundaries that his wife had to setup to help herself heal

    2. Patient Guy ..
    ** commit to one year of being patient
    ** commit to be 100% sober and 100% honest
    ** commit to listen .. commit to try to hear her pain
    ** it's going to take quite a long time for her to feel OK again
    Good Grief
    * Grief is because of the pain I caused her
    * Grief is messy
    * Every time she grieves, she needs -- that is an opportunity to be there for her

    * any woman feeling grief, is a HERO for feeling the pain
    * she's the one with strength and honor and respect..willing to absorb pain that she didn't cause

    * if you respect her grief as gifts in recovery, you will go a lot quicker through the process -- her grief will become a gift for you
    Stages of Grief
    * your wife will go through these stages, whether you want her to or not

    1. Shock
    2. Denial
    3. Anger...she deserves to be angry at you
    4. Bargaining
    5. Sadness..this is now her life, partner of a sex addict; this sadness is normal
    6. Acceptance..this is my life, it is what it, I accept that husband did ___, I accept the consequences of what my husband did

    Tips for Grief
    * grief is more intense in the beginning (the first 30-90 days)
    * LET HER GRIEVE..don't hurry it up
    * it's cyclical .. may start every day; then reoccur 3-4 times per week;
    * stay sober .. when you relapse, it sends your wife back to the beginning of the grief process
    * don't punish her for her grieving
    * healing and grieving are not EVENTS..they don't happen in a moment; it is a process that takes time--don't forget, I put her in that process because of my PMing

    * Anger is your friend....if they are mad at you, they still care for you
    * anger is evidence that she loves you / that she is in the game
    * when she is mad and angry at you .. remember this: "she still loves me"

    * Love > Hate > Indifference
    ** Hate is connected to Love..when she says she hates, she also loves you
    ** Indifference is the scary, scary part...when a woman is indifference -- she is in the red zone .. she may be reaching for the "button" (divorce button or separation button)

    * How to handle this (being yelled at / screamed at):

    [memorize these to help you handle when your wife is angry at you]
    * "I caused the pain for her to be angry"
    * "She is angry because she loves me"
    * "Anger is a part of healing"
    * "Anger is only a feeling"
    * "I accept her when she is angry"
    *** don't reject / don't shame / don't act childish ... accept her

    [here is how to add gas on the anger fire]
    * you are going to want to talk about yourself / defend yourself
    * tell her how you are doing better / try to sell her about what a wonderful guy you are

    Three Rules of Early Recovery if your wife is angry
    1. stay clean
    2. be quiet
    3. don't defend yourself
  2. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is incredible that you have written this out and delved so thoroughly into the video. It is such a great resource and your writing this out and encouragong others is truly helpful.
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes, I agree. I think it is awesome that you are really putting in the hard work and effort.
    Sadgirl likes this.
  4. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    Ditch every other guy and be THAT guy! Best news ever, it really does work.

    And, "keeping be-ing" that guy works when tried subsequently at years 2 and 6, as well, in my experience :) I'm hoping to find out it still works at year 20+ after ground zero, as well !!
  5. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    what are these videos and how do i find them?? i'm very interested.

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