How do kinks/fetishes fit with recovery?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by bludeo, Oct 6, 2019.

  1. bludeo

    bludeo Fapstronaut

    I have two questions related to this.

    1. For those with addictions, how do you see fetishes fitting with recovery? Personally, I have fetishes/kinks that I feel are intrinsic to me. For instance I have vivid erotic memories from childhood (i.e. < 10 years old) associated with being bound. I am sceptical that attempting to rid myself of these kinks are realistic or healthy. I feel at some point I would be going to war with my intrinsic self, or setting myself up to fail endlessly. Does anyone else have experience with this?

    2. To partners; do you have any experience or advice how you have approached this? I am wondering if in some sense it might hurt less? I see a lot of pain caused by feeling in competition with unrealistic standards of beauty, but if the betrayal is focused on something that is not sexual to you, does this make it easier to cope?
    +TenPercent likes this.
  2. DeProfundis

    DeProfundis Fapstronaut

    Will try to answer 1.

    Why let yourself be defined by your kinks or fetishes when you can be so much more? Sexuality is part of us, but we don't fuss about it 24/7....

    If fantasizing about your fetish is causing you to act out more, despite not using pornography, that's probably the proximal cause. If it started in childhood, maybe you should consider therapy or counselling.
  3. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

    You might find the book "Erotic Intelligence" by Alex Katehakis helpful!
    +TenPercent likes this.
  4. bludeo

    bludeo Fapstronaut

    Thank you both for the recommendations. Certainly therapy is something I am looking into quite seriously, although I hadn't thought of it for addressing anything to do with my fetishes. It would be interesting to know if anyone has had any success with that?
    +TenPercent likes this.
  5. MB183715

    MB183715 Fapstronaut

    They're pretty much impossible to get rid of when formed so early in life. I say that from personal experience and having consulted many therapists in my lifetime. I've come to grips with it. My fetish isn't the problem; using porn to satisfy it is. I have a willing partner, but I snubbed her, she bored me, because of online porn. Best to concentrate on eliminating porn, and if your fetish still bothers you after that, then look into it.
  6. iansinphiladelphia

    iansinphiladelphia Fapstronaut

    Any sort of euporic recall can lead to relapse, so if you find yourself dwelling on the thoughts of, eventually, incorporating these kinks into your sex life, I would put this thought off until you have maintained a substantial amount of time away from P.

    Incorporating them is not an all or nothing scenario. Just take your time. Include it into your sex life gently. After you have done so, step away from PMO and reflect on what this experience has made you feel. If you don't feel triggered to watch porn again then try again and then, again, reflect. Anything, done with intimacy and gratitude for you partner, is healthy sexual behavior.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  7. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I personally don't think any fetish is ever intrinsic, but that's just me. I will say that counseling with a CSAT is a VERY good thing despite the negative stigma attached to counseling in today's world. I feel like way too many people automatically judge someone who goes to a therapist on a regular basis, or even just once, and think that people who do so are completely stupid and can't manage their own lives by themselves, making them completely incompetent in just about every aspect of life.
    Live and Grow7 likes this.
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    I am not understanding what you are saying here. Perhaps my personal experience is clouding it, or maybe your question is confusing. What is not sexual to the SO? What do you think might hurt less? Addicts, when active in their addiction, use their SOs as their playthings, as the human means to get off on their sexual fantasies which typically include their kinks and fetishes. Often times the participating SO may enjoy it, believing they are part of an act of love, when really the addict is just acting out, using his spouse or girlfriend to bring those porn fantasies to life for himself. There is little to no real connection with his mate, despite all the convincing he tries to tell himself.

    Kinks and fetishes are not intrinsic. They come from somewhere. There is a root cause, especially if you have felt them at such a young age. The question is, are you willing to look deep enough to learn why and how and heal whatever brought you there?
  9. bludeo

    bludeo Fapstronaut

    Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies. To respond directly to EyesWideOpen; my questions I guess pertained to whether helping a partner heal would be any different in this case. I have been reading a lot of SO journals and a theme I saw raised repeatedly, was that the SO felt in competition with unrealistic women portrayed in P and this deeply wounded their self-esteem and view of their body. But what if the object of arousal wasn't really the women?

    "Kinks and fetishes are not intrinsic. They come from somewhere. There is a root cause, especially if you have felt them at such a young age. The question is, are you willing to look deep enough to learn why and how and heal whatever brought you there?"

    I would be very open to looking to "heal" a fetish/kink. Right now though, I am sceptical that that is possible; a bit like gay-conversion therapy or something. This is why I wanted to hear from others about their experiences and if they thought it was a useful thing to try.

    " the addict is just acting out, using his spouse or girlfriend to bring those porn fantasies to life for himself".
    This is also what originally prompted me to think about this topic since I do believe I am guilty of this. At the same time I know that quite a few fantasies form my earliest memories, so trying to disentangle these and understand what I can work on healing/improving and what I can't is something I was giving some thought to.
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    This is not like being gay. Children do not have these thoughts on their own. Sexual kinks and fetishes are completely foreign and unknown to children. They have to be exposed to it somehow. That is where the deep work with a therapist will help you to uncover how and why. It sounds more like you don't want the answer to these questions because you like your kinks and fetishes and you are looking to justify being able to keep them.

    These types of things are not always a bad thing to incorporate into your sex life, if you know where they come from, and are using them in a way to fully connect with your partner, not use your partner to fulfill the carnal desires of the kinks. This is why is it important to examine the deeps roots of your fetishes and how that affects the way you look at your sex life, your partner, and intimacy as a whole.

    Being made to feel like your husband does not desire you because the women he pursues in porn are more alluring
    being made to feel like you are nothing more than your husband's masturbatory aid so that he can selfishly use you to fulfill his porn fantasies.

    My husband treated me both ways for years. Both are equally painful. You will be hard pressed to find any women here that say anything different.
    Deleted Account and MidnightOwl like this.
  11. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

    When we feel something is part of our identity the sense of loss when we consider letting that part go is real. Expressing our identities gives us meaning in life whatever we believe that identity to be. I do believe that we can change aspects of our identities if we are motivated to do so. It can take time and sustained effort to dismantle the deeply ingrained habituation associated with some aspects of our identities, and this can be uncomfortable. By building positive references to new aspects of our identities we would like to foster, we can reinforce them while weakening the unwanted aspects.
    I definitely had behaviours that were an expression of my identity while I was addicted to the hit I got from thinking/seeing sexualised things. Part of my approach to beating that addiction was(and still is) to become aware of when I am thinking sexually related thoughts and stop them. I found this doable however the frequency and volume of the thoughts meant the process took much concentration. As time progressed it became easier and easier. The interesting thing is that , without directly addressing the behaviour (kinks/fetishes) they just lost importance to me. They were no longer part of my identity moving forward. So in terms of advice, I would focus on what you really want to change and accept that other aspects of your identity may evolve to fit with the new you.
    Jaguar202 likes this.
  12. fedmom

    fedmom Fapstronaut

    If the fetish is a problem for you there is a thread in my profile that might help.

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