How do you apologize?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by JerichoButler, Jul 9, 2018.

  1. JerichoButler

    JerichoButler New Fapstronaut

    I voyeured a very close friend of mine about 22 years ago. I wasn't until recently that I figured out that I might have got caught, because we haven't really spoken since then, and she has me completely blocked on Facebook. My sex addiction has improved since then, but as I write this I realize that it is not over and I have more work to do. However, I am plagued by guilt almost daily about this incident, and it makes me feel horrendous, especially since she is an old family friend and I still see her and her husband at funerals, etc. Any advice on how to approach this after such a long time?
    Roady likes this.
  2. Vandermeer

    Vandermeer Fapstronaut

    No nothing, except to avoid her too. If she really blocked you because of that incident, it´s obvious, she has no interest in any apologizes or any contact again.
    What would you expect? "oh yeah, I see you feel guilty and bad about this now, so okay, i recognize your trials being sorry for it..." Broken trust in a relationship is a damage nearly irreparable in my opinion. Maybe, if it was just a misunderstanding or an unintended accident or the first time not keeping a secret. But only maybe.
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
  3. AC9B

    AC9B Fapstronaut

    I don’t entirely agree with this - but it’s not easy to create trust again. It does take work, but it’s not irreparable!

    If apologising to her would be difficult practically, take solace in the fact that you have made huge strides with your addiction. You’re not the person then that you are now. You have remorse and that’s a good thing, because it means you have a moral compass.

    Good luck on your journey.
    thefakefaker, JerichoButler and Hitto like this.
  4. SportsFanatic

    SportsFanatic Fapstronaut

    Sorry dude. Maybe give her time to cool down first and then you can go and apologize? That's the only advice I know and can give for this situation.
    JerichoButler and Hitto like this.
  5. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    I would agree with that.
    You recognise the voyeurism as being an incident from the past, - but she has had 22 years to build a world of beliefs around it, which might not exactly align with your own.
    Sometimes it is better to just leave things where they are.

    The alternative might upset you both even more.
  6. Sonstige

    Sonstige New Fapstronaut

    Hi man
    yeah, don't talk to her at a funeral. If you really want to reach her, show other people that you are working on your ergs. You can't make this undone but a simple sorry in the right moment might be a start.

    And I'm new to this, how are you working on your sex addiction?
    JerichoButler likes this.
  7. OnceAfraidToMerge

    OnceAfraidToMerge Fapstronaut

    Hear, hear!

    We inevitably screw up and hurt people during our lives. People that we hurt are learning experiences; guilt is the lesson we learn; and in the end, it's easier to craft a masterpiece from a blank canvas than trying to fix a disaster.

    Move on and focus on yourself and the people actually in your life now.
    Hitto likes this.
  8. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    first of all: be welcome on the forums!
    Thanks for sharing your concernings.

    Guilt can be a very important factor reason to take some action.
    It can be very helpful if you can speak out your mind, that you feel sorry for what you did.
    No single person in the world can have something against that! Saying sorry is always a good thing.
    For sure, it will do enormous good to yourself in the first place, apart from her reaction.
    Maybe she will reject, laugh out, judge you, but I'm sure you will get rid of the guilt and constantly thinking of that issue.
    So don't expect the relationship will be reconciled, but... you never know.

    It can be wise to talk with somebody in real life about this issue. I know from experience that these steps can be really hard.
    I've made this sort of steps myself, and I feel better every time I took such a step.
    Not all these relationships are reconciled, but I've got some peace in my head :)

    How I took these steps?
    I took the phone.
    I send postcards or emails.
    For one relationship I found out the linkedin username, asked to be linked and wrote of my chest.
    Do what's possible for you.

    Oh and don't let somebody else do it for you.
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018
    JerichoButler and Gmork like this.
  9. ak47_uk

    ak47_uk Fapstronaut

    Best to stay away as you may want to do the same thing again. Better to keep the triggers away.
    JerichoButler likes this.
  10. Bin Rakan

    Bin Rakan Fapstronaut

    Do not apologize. take responsibility for your actions and move on.
    P-KO and JerichoButler like this.
  11. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    We must make direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others.

    Sometimes it’s best to not do anythin directly to them. If it will harm them more or cause them to re-feel something.

    An apology does little if don’t change our actions and continue to act out and repeat similar actions. Amends aren’t meant to be done for us to feel better, it is to make right out wrongs.

    IMO the best initial amends is to live differently and completely conquer your sex addiction. This will be the first step of amends. Once you completely are free of sex addiction, then you can start to revisit if, when and how to make a direct amends.

    Or at least this is the type of advice that been given to me about amends.
    JerichoButler likes this.
  12. You have felt almost daily guilt over this for 22 years? Can you indicate the degree of seriousness of this incident that has haunted you for over twenty years. Did you happen to see her change her blouse for example. Or did you watch her for some time engaging in some sexual act (either solo or partnered). I am not after the details, just an indication of the type of voyeurism you engaged in Jericho. Was it opportunistic or pathological? Then we can advise with greater specificity. :)
  13. JerichoButler

    JerichoButler New Fapstronaut


    Thank you... very balanced answer...
  14. JerichoButler

    JerichoButler New Fapstronaut


    Bathroom, pre-mediated, so I would say pathological. She was weirdly friendly at the funeral, but I think it was just for show. I am worried about seeing her again... our parents are elderly, and our families are old friends.
  15. As it was pathological, I guess the best outcome is to recover from this addiction. Then you can apologise and explain you are a very different person than you were 20 years ago. On the other hand, she may not have "caught you" and would not know what you are talking about.

Share This Page