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How do you deal with paranoia and suspicion?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Hotpotts, Dec 10, 2017.

  1. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

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    Me and SO have just had a really good day. Had no hangover on a weekend without kids , felt rested and clear headed.
    Had a really productive day working on a diy project in the house.
    Settled down with a few beers and had alovely evening snuggling on the sofa. I went to bed and he said he wouldnt be long.
    An hour and a half later he comes to bed. Our house is warm but his body was really cold. I asked him why several times and eventually he said he didnt know. Said he just had another beer and had the munchies. Cant find the packet of cashews he said he had.
    I suspect he was 'sorting himself out' in the downstairs toilet which has no heating.
    Am i being totally paranoid?
    Is he telling the truth?
    Am i right to be suspicious?
    I have watchex the betrayal trauma video and want to be supportive. I dont want to grill him and make him feel bad.
    I believe he struggles to get aroused with me without the help of alcahol or watching stuff to get turned on before coming to bed with me. I think because he worries about this my advances are rejected when he is fairly sober.
    I belueve he has stopped watching P but feel he Os using Psubs instead.
    Why ruin a good night with this?
    I really felt connected to him last night, why didnt he just come to bed and wake me up if he was horny? He knows i like that. And he knows i wouldnt turn him away.
    Feels like one step forward two steps back.
    How do i tackle this?
    I desperately want him to be open and honest with me so dont want to be on the attack.
    I want to help him. Why wont he let me help him?
    He knows this is a problem and suffers from DE. So he blows hot and cold on me. Wants to have good sex with me and does but cant O so then resorts to M behind my back.
    I think i was addicted to M not being able to O unless C was stimulated. I abstained for 68 days and managed to O hands free. Feels so much better and in tune with my own body.
    Should i talk aboyt my own experience?
    I feel like abstinance has turned me into a bit if a prude though. Feels like catch 22 - i feel a bit frosty cos i believe he is going behind my back so am holding back in bed. But then thats hardly encouraging him to come to bed with me is it?
     
  2. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    @Hotpotts

    Youre in a tough spot. Its likely he was up to mischief for 90 minutes after you went to bed. Him being honest by himself is more important than you teasing it out of him. I would suggest waiting until he comes round to being honest. Better than dragging it out of him when he doesnt want to admit it.

    If he really wants to stop PMO then suggest he uses the laptop when hes with you and not alone.

    Just an idea.
     
  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Do you have blockers/filters/software on all devices? Most addicts in the beginning of recovery use those, especially since just giving up PMO there will be more urges usually right after giving it up.

    There needs to be honesty and accountability or there isn't really recovery. Have you seen the video's on betrayal trauma? (I can link those here if you haven't)

    I understand not wanting to grill him, but that is very suspicious of him to come 1.5 hours later and be cold since there is no heating in your downstairs bathroom.

    Have you set boundaries and consequences? That is another first step in recovery for the partner of the PA. Setting boundaries to keep yourself emotionally safe is important for your own healing. (there's a great boundary thread I can link if you haven't set boundaries so you can get an idea of how to do that)
     
  4. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Early on, I think the PA has to bend over backwards to never put himself in a position that might look like he is secretly getting a hit of porn. That takes effort and usually sacrifice....but it's got to be part of the process of showing a change in behavior.
     
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  5. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    As an example, for me, my PMing time was always late at night, after my wife and kids went to bed ... I would normally be working late at home--usually on the couch or love seat--and then many times it would lead to PM.

    I made a committment to my wife that I would no longer be on my laptop after she went to bed....instead, I would go to sleep when she went to sleep -- to put her mind at ease.

    What that meant for me is I had to restructure my daytime/early-evening hours: I still had work I had to do at home often...I just did it between 6PM and 10PM, in between eating dinner / helping clean up / putting kids to bed. It meant I had very little downtime. BUT, it's part of demonstrating to my wife positive changed behavior.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2017

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