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Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by himmelstoss, Apr 20, 2016.
It's probably where my approach anxiety is coming from and and haven't even left the house in 2 days
Poaw man, I sympathize, and wish i was more qualified to help, but here goes!
The best thing i ever did is write a story of something you're proud of that you achieved in your life. It could be the best day of your life, or a great day you enjoyed.
"One of the best days in my life was when i helped organised a charity event in high school. It was a DJ club night thing in one of the examination rooms and i got friends to bring there speakers, lights and i brought my equipment. We blocked out all the light coming into the room using garbage bags and tape and put a dancefloor in the middle. I was the last dj to play, and had been so nervous leading up.
But the closer i got to my set, the more of my friends came in from different year levels and told me they were here to see and support me. I was ecstatic, and so pumped up, and played one of the best sets i've ever played. At the end i had everyone going absolutely wild to 155 BPM classic trance and hardstyle. The second in charge of the school came in and told everyone to go to assembly and they cut the power, then everyone started screaming
ENCOREE ENCORE ENCOREE ENCORREEE!!! and then told the second incharge principal to fuck off hahahaahhhahha
We ended up raising only two grand, but i got to spend the end of the day with my girlfriend at the time, which was a nice finish for the day."
When i was dealing with self loathing this exercise helped me SOOOOO much, it's a personal story that means something to you and the development of your character. Something you're proud off. You don't have to share it here, turn your laptop or computer off, sit down and think about it and write it down and read over it!
Best of luck and hope it helps
While rebooting our brain, we also need to renew the mind. If you are not already, start reading a little each day of the best that has been thought and felt. Feel that great tributary start to flow through your veins. Walk tall, and lightly on this earth. You are a man!
I grew up as a perfectionist. Self-loathing quickly followed. I didn't "get real" until a few years ago. Here are my thoughts on how it happened...
- I met people that accepted me for who I was and offered support without preaching. If you're here, that may be a good first step!
- I realized that I'm gonna @#$^ up. Everyone does. A lot. Doesn't matter if you're twelve or sixty-five. You're gonna mess up. You're gonna make mistakes. It's part of being human. There are all those clichés about how "mistakes are opportunities to learn!" and we've all heard them before and we brush them off. But they're true. You can learn from them (well, that approach didn't work. I'll try something else) or you can just brush them off as a "whoopsie-daisy" and move on.
- Being dismissive of mistakes or short-comings as not to dwell on them. Goes with the "whoopsie-daisy" approach. Other ways of saying it are "oh well", "@#$^ happens", and "so it goes".
- Self-depricating humor. I jokingly insult myself. It's very nonchalant. Yes, I'm insulting myself, but I do it in a way that makes myself laugh. It helps me move on a lot faster. For instance, if I make a mistake at work, I say something like, "Everyone look at [my name]! Two degrees and still can't add two numbers together!" and laugh and go on with the task.
- Remembering that time that someone got themselves in a hairier situation than you. At least you weren't the driver of Archduke Franz Ferdinand that made that wrong turn and essentially STARTED WORLD WAR ONE.
- You're alive. You're breathing. You're doing great. Pat yourself on the back.
*gives you a thumbs up*
@himmelstoss, your tag line is: "I hate my family, I hate my job, i hate my customers, I hate the illegals and their screaming little shits, I just want to lash out." If you've ever heard of the Law of Attraction it's little wonder you loathe yourself. If you hate, you will get back hate. If you love, you will get back love. It's your choice. Can't tell how old you are, but I'd look to shifting attitude like my life depended upon it... oh, and, by the way, it does.
PS I'd change the himmelstoss moniker, it adds to the self loathing.
Friend, I can not imagine such emotions in your statement. But consider this. Our feelings are not what define us. I sincerely believe if you took on the position to help someone and impact someone's life, you become the solution and your hate problem will flee. Consider working in a food bank and seeing the needs that come to such a place. Write a check to NoFap and sense the feeling you are helping 100s of men, with shadowy lives. But please don't focus on hate. Pal, I take a Faith approach to life. If you wish to hear what God believes you are and how important you are to Him, please message me. I took on the name CreatedRight as a positive statement of who I want to be, despite my crap. I'm getting there man, and this site of confession and encouragement can help you out of your rut.
Man, I feel ya. I feel the same sometimes. Some days, I'm happy and flying high. Some days, I'm low and depressed. Well, anyway. I hope this can help you.
Most people like to do positive affirmations when they get into self-loathing mood. I say, screw that and just go outside. Take a walk and look at nature (or the concrete jungle). Pay close attention to the details. What do you smell? What do you hear? What do you feel at the moment? How many people do you see around you? Are they in a happy mood? Are they in a sad mood? What's the weather like? Are there birds where you live? If so, what kind? How many cars do you see? Any SUVs? Go the mall! Watch the people who go shopping. Go the food court! Eat food, whip out your phone and read something that interests you (right now, my interests are in human energy; dark energy, sexual aura, chakras, and stuff like that).
Self-loathing is most likely you just getting inside your head. At times, it's okay to self-loath because it's a challenge. It's just another obstacle to overcome. If you catch yourself self-loathing, it means your mind is idle and you're allowing outside suggestions to control your thoughts. Think about it. What does the outside mainstream society keep suggesting to you? You're not shit with out A, B, and C. The truth? You are enough as you are. That, plus life is really short if you think about it...no time to abide by what society wants. Just do you and the result will be uncontrollable happiness. I've felt this at times when I was flying high. Today? I was also flying high, but I dunno...you just have to keep your mind busy with new stuff.
Really good comment! I agree a change in environment, not seclusion, where "self" becomes focus, is important. Plus, one will likely not,act-out in public. I don't know if you have seen my comments on Sacred Sexulity Project and Mark's Cold Shower Therapy. The cold is not diversion, but a process to deal with controlling the body. Check it out.
I'm sure I've said this on these boards before, but the thing that has helped me learn to love myself is to really break it down and make little choices to benefit yourself. Trying to tackle "Self-Loathing" head on will be like trying to build a bridge by starting in the middle.
So for example for me I just started by doing a small bit of exercise every few days. Then I chose to start eating a bit better. Once those were established patterns I started taking a little more care over the way I look, as simple as just making sure I had a shave or did my hair.
These things won't necessarily make you feel better about yourself immediately. But long term, the small effect begins to add up. It takes patience, but it works. Make the commitment to just do one small thing to benefit yourself each day, one small act of self-love. As with everything in NoFap, we're teaching ourselves healthier, happier habits.
Self loathing is something one does with too much time and too little to do. Make plans as to what you intend to achieve with your time, then do it. Even if it is no more than taking a walk. Get also a grip on your self talk. The things you're telling yourself in your head may feel real and stuff, but you'd speak to no one else in that way. Next time this self loathing thing emerges, pick up your phone and record it. Saying the stuff out loud brings a different perspective, and even better if you do it in front of a mirror. The next day listen to the recording and note how silly it sounds. That helps you keep perspective next time your inner voice tries to keep you down.
I hope the above NoFap traveler's advice is taken seriously by you and anyone down on themselves. At least 10 concepts are mentioned above. BUT YOU, must start with 1, this morning, being taking a walk and looking for details of God's Creation or stating the Cold Water Therapy, I mention, above. I hope realizing you are in the company of other men that struggle and these men care and pray for you is a motivator to START ACTION. P makes are senses dull and P makes our thinking cloudy. I know, after 28 days of freedom, my work levels are more productive and I an a better thinker. As mentioned, Reboots are subtraction, that time and energy must be "replaced" with addition of the good stuff. Make a list of 10 good things and thanks God for them. If one is friends, make date to hang out with a guy or gal. If one is a healthy body, workout, if one is enjoyment of reading, read a book in in the library, you won't PMO in a library. Finally, you can be helped/healed in this life and you will be healed in eternity.
Something a lot of people miss is that your love for yourself actually works quite similarly to how your love for other people does. The reason most people dislike themselves even when they can seemingly like other similar people to them, is because they see themselves transparently, they see all of their flaws and weaknesses, all of their complexes, and they don't like them. It's true that despite this, we're far more harsh on ourselves than we need to be, but often that self loathing is like a warning sign of sorts, a bit like the low gas/petrol indicator in your car - it's there to tell you that work needs to be done.
So what work exactly? Well think about it, normally when it comes to loving other people, we accept that the world is a big one and that there are many more people out there for us to love, "plenty of fish" so to speak, and so if someone is not someone we are capable of loving at the moment, rather than undergoing the painstaking and often futile process of trying to change them, we find someone new. Unfortunately for self-love, this strategy really blows, you are stuck with yourself no matter what, so what now?
Well, it looks like that long arduous process of change that we avoid with other people, is the only option we have when it comes to ourself. You have to chisel your very essence into something that you can love. You have to work out the kinks and flaws that make you feel ashamed to be who you are. You have to strengthen yourself in areas of weakness, find your strengths and excel at them so that you have things to be proud of. You must make yourself into someone that you are capable of loving fully. Once the proof is there, and you have made yourself loveable, self love will occur naturally.
When it comes to anxiety and fear, the way out is through. As someone with severe social anxiety myself I know the feeling - we're looking for a way out, a way to eliminate the anxiety BEFORE we have to do anything that involves it. We want to be rid of that social anxiety before we go out and meet people. We want to be rid of approach anxiety before we approach that cute girl. I got tough news for you though brother, it doesn't work like that. The only way to reduce that anxiety, is to act in spite of it. That means approaching that cute girl even though your knees are about to give out and your heart feels like it's going to pop out of your chest. That means going out to socialise even though the whole time you're on the verge of a panic attack.
It is through exposure to the things that we fear, that our brain learns that these experiences are less dangerous than it perceived them to be, and thus our fear response lessens with each exposure, until it's just some minor background nervousness and stops getting in the way at all.
Remember what I said earlier about strengthening yourself in areas of weakness as one of the ways to craft yourself into someone you can love? Well, anxieties and fears are one such weakness. Face them, realise that it is perfectly okay to feel anxious, and that the only way to ever get rid of that is to actually go out there and face it. It might suck, but afterwards that fear is going to be a little less next time, and then a little less, and eventually you'll be rid at it if you keep at it. Once you've overcome something as difficult to deal with as an anxiety or fear, you realise how much your self image will improve? That in itself may give you the self love you've been looking for.
Just my 2 cents
Oh as a bit of a side-note, RSD Max has a great video on approach anxiety that explains that it's natural, and something EVERYONE experiences, and it's just about reframing it as excitement and pushing through it:
Warning: video contains triggers
This was all great information, I'd figure I would chime in.
I have the same issue as you OP. Sometimes I just get in my head too much (usually when I'm deep into my thoughts like at night) and I end up being in a depressing mood. Some of these mood swings are really bad (ex. "Damnit why didn't I just ask that girl out" "I'm a failure" "I'm going to be alone forever"). The comments above me offer great advice on getting out of our heads. Breaking the PMO cycle is one giant step in becoming confident and full of yourself. If you break the cycle, it means you accomplished something! Accomplishing hard tasks that not many brave to do are huge helps to defeating self loathing. For example...
Afraid of heights? Go rock climb
Afraid of social interactions? Join a local club
The list goes on. I am currently going to try to put together a list of what I'm afraid of, and what I can do to face that fear.
Face your fears, and there won't be an old self to loathe about.
A friend suggested a book that I think I read 100 years ago about our self-image. It's been around for a long time. The Dr. that wrote the book was a plastic surgeon and noted that even though he made his patients more physically beautiful they still held the same old image of themselves within. It was so pervasive he began studying it and wrote Psycho-Cybernetics... which is a classic in the self-help industry. I'm re-reading it myself, always something to learn.
Here's a link to a free .pdf of the book:
I agree with philstronaut, you should start to groom yourself regularly. Since you have reasons to dislike yourself, then recognizing the good reasons to like yourself is a good place to start. Practice good hygiene like brushing your teeth, taking a shower, wearing clean clothes/buying some new ones, and getting a haircut. Though these things concentrate on your image, when you see yourself in the mirror looking fresh, there can't possibly be a reason to dislike what you see.
Secondly, you may be deficient in vitamin D, it's free if you can get some exposure to sunlight (if it passes through glass you will not obtain the benefits, it needs to be direct). Or, take it in supplemental form (D3), make sure to find out more about taking it this way. Are you getting enough sleep? Sleep deprivation can make you feel depressed as well. Sugar and caffeine may also be causing you anxiety. And lastly, I think trying something new will help you. It can be as simple as learning the alphabet of another language, or learning how to root your phone! (I rooted my phone last night and still feel the excitement from trying something new). By doing something as simple as that you step into a new world with several options to choose from. Oh and stop going on facebook/social media, you'll be curious to find out how other people are fairing in their lives and start comparing.
Or, perhaps you can join a community. Like sign up for a class or join a club (if you're in school). It's much easier to do a warm approach than a cold approach anyways. If you're in the same position as other people in a class/club/event, all you have to do is make a comment about x subject that you're both exposed to, and make a connection. If all else fails... you can go bother a sales associate in a store, and make small talk (I used to do this until I realized that they have responsibilities to tend to and I was just bothering them haha). Or, you can volunteer for something! The possibilities are endless!
Its funny how we always look at our bad sides more and count them heavier. Hating yourself is trying to evade your responsibility. Accept the status quo. Accept that everything can and will change. Dont excuse yourself by hating yourself. Stand up for what you have done, accept it, change it.
Doesn't approach anxiety refer to making romantic advances? I assume that it is a broader kind of social phobia if you haven't left your house for 2 days. Anyway, if you suffer from anxiety get professional help. I know that many believe it's excessive to recommend it straight away, but especially with social anxieties you enter a vicious cycle of isolating yourself and becoming more anxious. A therapist may be able to take you by the hand and help you through the only thing that can cure anxiety: exposure. And because exposure is the only thing that will ultimately help you get rid of this disorder you see why outside help is highly recommended. I've been there, I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety and didn't leave the house, didn't answer the door or the phone, even hid myself in the shower when somebody was looking for me. It got worse until I was admitted to a mental institution where I got the whole behavioral therapy program. Group therapy, group activities, accompanied exposure in the city and so on until I got to the point where I became a normally functioning human being again. The truth is that confronting your fear, seeking the situations you dread again and again and staying in there, living through the fear is the only thing that will tell your brain "hey, I DON'T die if I get on that train" "nothing bad happened when I went to the mall".
You might want to check out Andrew Solomon's TED talk (yes, there are some good ones in between) about Depression, where he talks about his own history with mental illness including anxiety
"Lets just keep it simple" KISS principle, and this is what I believe based off of what I went through from personal experience. Okay so the way to get rid of your anxiety is to really get off the PORN and MASTERBATION. The rewiring for weak dopamine receptor site uptake is making your unstable you have to go 90 days without. Where their is a will thier is a way you have to get an accountability partner and have all your internet devices put on a site that does this like, Ever Accountable for example. You must add people you care not too see this or it doesn't work. YOu must pray you must fight your mind and stop your hands you must do this because its like being addicted to heroine or worse the cravings and sypmtoms are like kicking heavy drugs and you will be unstable, angry, sad, ADD, OCD, etc etc etc until you rewire your brain. You also must eliminate the stress in your life and emotional damaging things and focus channel your mind on relaxing things and this will not be possible until you first go about 45 days without and this differs for everyone. I went 10 years and it will take some time but i'm telling you its well worth it. You will enjoy regular actTHAT ivities again and have more energy clearer thinking basicallly normal non depressed anxious ocd thinking. You will become normal because sadly people don't know but you must know if you are here that this is the issue just believe and confront it and the days will be long at first BUT IT IS THE WAY THE TRUTH AND THE LIGHT BUT THAN THE DARKNESS WE ALL SANK INTO TAUGHT US THE TRUTH ABOUT JESUS AND GOD AND THAT THERE IS A TRUTH AND A LIGHT AND DARKENSS AND A LIE AND THAT HOLE OF SHAME WE WENT INTO WAS A HELL A PERSONAL ONE AND ONCE YOU MAKE IT OUT IT WILL MAKE YOU A MUCH BETTER PERSON AND WELL ROUNDED BECAUSE YOU WERE HUMBLED AND ESCAPED. ADDICTION IS THE DEMONS TRYING TO HOLD YOU DOWN GET OUT OF THERE JUST DO IT AND GET IT DONE DON'T STOP!!!
Very good advice everyone. Thank you.