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Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by johnmicormick, Dec 2, 2019.
What are your opinions, how do I know if I didn't just make a mistake
You never know, all you can do is give your best and love them for who they are. If she feels the same way then your love for one another will continue to grow creating a stronger bond leading the both of you through life. You can’t control or exactly know cause at the end of the day if she wanted to or was tempted too she could cheat or give up. All you have to worry about is yourself and how you bring that to your relationship.
There is always more than one person out there who could make you happy.
The important thing is to never stop putting effort in, never take their love for granted. Whether you are on a 2nd date or you have been married for 20 years. Kindle that flame and it will keep you warm your whole life. They have to do the same for you, though.
It's gonna be little bit materialistic but still... How do you know that car you buying is "The One" or watch, or suite or whatever... ? Buy comparing them and making sure that you getting best fit. Same here.
You want the magic formula for finding your ideal partner? Hold on, let me check my files. I know it's around here somewhere...
There is no “the one” you were sold a lie.
There's a line in the matrix by the Oracle: "Being The One is just like being in love. No one can tell you you're in love, you just know it. Through and through. Balls to bones." I had that with the person I would marry half a decade of dating later. We were high school sweethearts and we've seen other friends that had a more perfect story get divorced. It certainly want the way I imagined it all the time, I think that's part of the point. There's probably a lot of ways it can happen, for instance I've heard and believe that there's an element of just choosing for this to be the one, and at the same time I think being to attached will ruin the magic because people naturally rebel at being used, depended on and worshipped, or they should my spouse and I disagreed for years about the nature of soul mates, I said there's only one she said there's more than one soul mate per person. I was scared about that for a long time, thinking she night find another soul mate and forget about me. I think that sure if internal process in me is much more important than an external person. Funny thing, when I stopped worrying about all that theoretical shit she stopped thinking there was more than one . Coincidence.
There was a song a long time ago "love the one you're with.". I bet being in the present helps. I think I had a lot more awareness of the moment with the person I feel in love with than when I was trying to get a girl for various selfish reasons. And I can vouch for the possibility of the wine and roses period not just laying for years but getting stronger. And the really cool thing is it definitely wore off at at least one if not several times, so it's nice to know that the honeymoon can restart and rocket into the stratosphere, stronger than ever. It's a lot like addiction, were pretty sure non addicts will never fully understand, and it's the same with love.
But the biggest thing is "don't worry.". Worry obviously does only negative things not help at all. But easier said than done right, we want things and we're afraid we won't get them. What I do with fears is meditate on how I can't control the things I have fear (worry is just a tiny fear) about, what confidence in something other than my self would be like, and try to sit with "is it ok if the thing I want doesn't happen" among other things that's not the whole solution but part of it. I always figured if I have a nonzero number of true loves then by definition destiny would guarantee that we'll at least have a good chance. If I worry and don't get what I want I'm left with two problems instead of just one . The biggest thing I've noticed the last few years about relationships is that kindness is there thing to focus on. It sounds so dumb because the idea is very simple but the practice is not. So many people have so many ideas, it doesn't even matter if they are good ideas or bad because so few people are practicing any of them! It's moot, they're untested. Try the kindness idea.
When the person is ready, he or she won't have to dodge bullets, that's when you know she or he is the one.
Humans are not monogamous. Monogamy is an advent of the agricultural revolution. Hunter gatherer societies are largely polygamist. Women are hypergamous and always looking for a higher quality male. They subconsciously look for sexual attractiveness and good genes in their late teens and early twenties and then look for a provider who wil defer to her and will exist in her frame in her late twenties and early thirties aka her epiphany phase to raise the child of the man with good genes who had no provisioning ability. Men are polygamous and are wired to look for sexual novelty and new mates to scatter their seed, aka why porn is so enticing to men. This is a very reductionist explanation but illustrates why there is no “the one” humans aren’t pair bonders for life, the ones that are would be the exception to the rule. Women look for different types of men at different points in their life. They are more attracted to dominant behavior and masculine traits during the proliferative phase of their menstrual cycle when they are most fertile and are more attracted to soft nurturing traits in men during their luteal phase when they are less fertile. Prior to their proliferative phase they go into pms which has been described as a way of the woman becoming less agreeable in order to push away the nurturing males so that when she becomes fertile again in her proliferative phase the dominant males will be the ones to pass on genetics. They will also avoid their fathers and brothers more during the proliferative phase which is an evolutionary behavioral vestige of possible common incest in our ancestral past. During a woman’s proliferative phase she is more likely to report looking for sex outside of the relationship if she is unsatisfied and more likely to report wanting sex within the relationship if she is satisfied. These are all studies done by Martie Haselton and documented in her book Hormonal. There is no “the one” people look for different things at different times throughout their lives especially women. Women also get over breakups much easier than men due to a long history of men getting killed young due to war and dangerous jobs. Women have evolved to leave relationships much easier than men and this partially explains why 75% of divorces are initiated by women. When warring tribes would enter a village they would kill the men and keep the women. This also contributes to why women evolved a better capacity to move on after a relationship. Throughout most of history they, and their offspring had no choice but to move on. Also women are much more promiscuous than most think that’s why the human penis is shaped the way it is, sperm competition propelled the evolution of relatively long compared to other primates, upwardly curved penis to shovel out the sperm of other males. Read Sperm Wars, or Sex at Dawn for more on this and why humans are not monogamous.
You will just feel it, dude You will know it! If she does something important for you, makes your heart feel good, awakes your dead emotion, makes your soul move - she's the one. But the thing is, there can be a lots of the ones
Holy ramble Batman! But my god it’s worth it. So many good nuggets in here that resonate for me.
I think that you yourself will understand that you have found the "only" person you need. you will want to constantly communicate with him and you will feel that you do not have enough for a long separation.
Read "The Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi. His first chapter is called "There is No One". Actually here is the article: https://medium.com/@RationalMale/there-is-no-one-313d8ed916b8
Don't fall for the beta soul mate myth, instead build your relationship on stronger principles than self-delusion. Other then that, all the luck to you man! I'm sure if you apply the correct principles, you could build a very strong relationship.