How do you stop having feelings for someone?

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by JacquesMolay, May 21, 2019.

  1. JacquesMolay

    JacquesMolay Fapstronaut

    Ok, so I am an International student. I have been more than 8 months away from my girlfriend with whom I have a very serious relationship of 5 years. Now, as every couple we had our problems but we have the essential and we love each other. I want to state it again, I love her and I want my life with her.

    During my time away from her I have respected our relationship, telling her everything and all. I still do. We have great communication. But recently I've been having feelings for someone else, a friend from uni, an incredible girl that used a Led Zeppelin t-shirt to a party (I mean, how perfect is that!). Any way, this girl also has a boyfriend and we are just very good friends and is not that we flirt, although I am never sure how to distinguish that. The thing is, with this new girl I have this vibe that I haven't felt in years. Its a powerful crush, I can't get her out of my mind.

    I want to say again that I've been 5 years with my girlfriend and our level of committment and how we understand each other is just amaizing. We know each other very well, I love her and we want to be together forever. So I am not going to quit my great relationship for just a crush, I am not going to do anything about this new girl. Uni is over and we are going to stop seeing each other. Plus I like very much our friendship. I just wanted to share my thoughts because they're killing me, I feel guilty and I wanted to ask if anyone has suggestions on how to stop having feelings for someone.
  2. The first step is being honest to your GF about your feelings for someone else. I mean if this is really a serious, long-term relationship. It doesn't work without honesty.
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  3. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

    Stay away from the other girl. No matter how much you enjoy being with her, clearly it's not helping your relationship with your actual gf.
    Not sure if there's really a point in telling your gf about this other girl, I mean, nothing actually happened between you two. It may just hurt her for no reason.
    Last edited: May 21, 2019
  4. JacquesMolay

    JacquesMolay Fapstronaut


    Thanks! you may be right... better to prioritize
  5. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    Easy. Imagine her waking up in the middle of the night stumbling towarda the bathroom with a bad case of diarrhea.
    JacquesMolay likes this.
  6. I've been in a similar position, only even worse to a degree, because all parties involved (myself, my husband, and this other guy) were MARRIED, not just dating. And I will say, if you truly are committed to your girlfriend and don't want to lose that, get out of that situation now. Stop contact with that other girl. It is NOT worth it.

    When I was in this situation, I was going through a really hard time in my marriage and didn't feel loved and had a lot of negative feelings about my marriage. But as soon as I made the official decision that I was NOT going to leave my husband, I decided to live by the following mantra:

    "The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
    The grass is greener where you water it."

    I decided if I wanted my grass to be greener, I had to start watering the crap out of it. Pour more into your relationship with your girlfriend. Water that grass until it's so lush and beautiful that nothing on the other side of the fence could ever compare enough to be tempting.
  7. I'm all for honesty, but if the guy doesn't plan to actually do anything with the girl, I don't see a reason for him to tell her. How would this even work?

    "Hey, so I caught feelings for another woman, but it didn't go anywhere."

    What is she supposed to do with that, you know? So OP, I concur with the others. Just ensure you don't ever see or talk to her again (which means dump this friendship of yours) and don't bring her up to your lady. Ain't worth it.
    justafriend and Hros like this.
  8. Some people out there actually think, that it's required to insert a penis into a different vagina to commit adultery. But what happened is more than enough to damage the existing relationship. Not beyond repair yet, but once you start hiding stuff from your partner, your relationship is essentially doomed.

    It's not the mistake which breaks a serious relationship. Humans make mistakes and mistakes can be forgiven. It's the behavior afterwards in dealing with such mistakes, which inevitably leads to two people not being on the same page anymore for many years. And exactly that dooms any serious connection in the end.

    It's "bad times" like these which prove stability of longterm relationships or marriages. And you are not going to save it by hiding those times and pretending nothing happened, quite the opposite.
  9. JacquesMolay

    JacquesMolay Fapstronaut


    Thanks for the advice! totally agree
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. I am usually super hardcore into honesty, no matter what. But honestly, in this situation, I don't think it would be beneficial. It's up to him whatever he thinks is best in his situation, but if my husband had a little crush on some girl, but nothing ever happened and he decided to stop talking to her and not see her anymore, I would rather not know about that.
  11. drac16

    drac16 Fapstronaut

    For me, a crush goes away over time. Sometimes it can take months or years until I'm over it, but it does happen. What you have with your girlfriend sounds like it's special, so I don't think you should jeopardize it.
    justafriend and Deleted Account like this.
  12. This is a rather dramatic slippery slope. We all have thoughts and desires towards other people, there are other folks we can find attractive. Why would finding another person attractive and then hiding that doom a relationship? This plays on the claim that having certain thoughts about another person is, by itself, a bad thing. When we can't always control what we think.

    Ultimately, this is less about knowledge and more about wisdom, which makes this subjective. (Which makes this a waste of time, but I'll reply nonetheless)But I can't fathom why not telling somebody about being attracted to somebody else and NOT acting upon those thoughts is somehow detrimental to a relationship. After all... what somebody doesn't know won't hurt them. And in this scenario, I fail to see why somebody would need to know about that.

    This is incorrect. The mistake (say, cheating) can break a relationship, it just depends on whether you let it or not.

    First, the antithesis is potentially true, that the two people continue being on the same page for many more years to come. And secondly, this is another slippery slope. You seem to have an oversimplified/black-and-white view of relationships themselves and I would argue it's that mindset that could bring misfortune in them, if it hasn't already.

    But all that happened was catching feelings for somebody he's never going to see again nor having done anything about it. There's no "bad times" here, all he did was resist temptation and respect his long-term relationship with his girl. I disagree that he should potentially damage ruin his relationship with his girl over something as small as a crush, a crush he decided to avoid acting upon.

    But as I said earlier, this will be a circular argument, due to how subjective it is. Example:

    "It's UP TO HIM" "I WOULD RATHER" Words that point to opinions. So I agree to disagree and will admit it depends on whether the person themselves would want to know about every little crush their partner had (and of course, we could discuss if that means they do not trust their partner, but I digress), but I stay firm on the claim that while honesty is good, too much of it is bad.
    JacquesMolay likes this.
  13. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

    I agree with you that being in a long-term relationship and actively and regularly engaging in contact through friendship with someone one would also feel romantically and/or sexually attracted to would absolutely violate my definition of commitment and loyalty. And it is our obligation as significant others to be honest if the relationship's boundaries have not been respected. But of course not everyone's boundaries are the same, and even though the OP said that he feels guilty, I'm sure after being with his girlfriend for 5 years he knows her boundaries and vice versa. So if that isn't an issue for her, I guess there isn't much else to do for him than to just end that friendship and move on.
  14. Hiding stuff not only is the definition of adultery, it also selfish. People don't realize, that someone got hurt, when it happened, not when the truth got finally told. Adulterers hide stuff to not lose access to sex*), to force their own decision on how to deal with the hardship on the betrayed partner, in other words: disregarding the partner and their opinion.

    The question is not if there have to be hard times in a long term relationship, but when. And when they arrive, how to deal with them. In an honest way or by pretending stuff which isn't. The famous marriage vow doesn't mention hard times without a reason.

    *) Most causal relationships hold together by O and not much else. So no sex means it's essentially over.
  15. klaris

    klaris Fapstronaut

    I can tell you one thing that you need to enter into intimate relationships when you are completely confident in a person and then there will be no misunderstanding
  16. bobby_100

    bobby_100 Fapstronaut

    correct in sme way
  17. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

    Take whatever energy and effort you are pouring into this other person, and give it to the one to whom it rightfully belongs.
    bobby_100 and justafriend like this.

Share This Page