How do you talk to your S/0 about failing?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Bucklord, Mar 27, 2016.

  1. Bucklord

    Bucklord Fapstronaut

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    This is the hardest thing for me.

    How do I tell her? I know how to start but I have no idea where its gonna go, how bad its going to hurt her.

    I recently deleted my Instagram. This whole morning I've had an urge to M, which I haven't done in 3 months. After a shower my stupid self, not thinking, decided that opening up Instagram again and scrolling through those f'd up sites of half naked models would be okay.
    This for me is a problem, although its so far less than my original problem 7 months ago, its still something I want to cut out of my life.
    How do yall keep accountable? She deserves to know, she has explained how she wants me to tell her if I fail and I have to respect that.
     
  2. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Rip off that band aid dude. Explain that you had a slip and you're trying really hard. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Everyone has relapses. Everyone messes up every now and again. The way you behave afterwards is how you show that you're really commited. Be honest. Tell her off your own back. Us partners usually just don't want to be lied to anymore. We can forgive mistakes every now and again but you have to stop lying.
     
  3. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    Please be honest. Coming from someone whose default setting is to lie, hide, cover up and tell only if asked this is where I did the most damage to her but more to myself! I am not a loveable person if I have to hide things - that's what I reinforced.

    Do not give importance to slips. If they are seen as the worst thing ever then you will not want to tell her.

    Hiding will make things worse
     
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  4. Bucklord

    Bucklord Fapstronaut

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    That's good man. I definitely didn't want to lie.
    I felt horribly uncomfortable before I told her, scared even.. I told her and I was instantly relieved, even though she was upset. It was like a burden was lifted and we were able to have a nice conversation about it.
    She said its not really the fact that I do it that bothers her, that's not what she worries about, its that if she is being lied to.. That's the damaging thing.
    So its hard to admit defeat to someone else, but if its someone you love.. They deserve to know, or it may make them feel unimportant to you if they don't understand whats going on. No loving S/O deserves that mental stress.
     
  5. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    That is my story exactly.

    I do it as it's nice to live in the illusion. I can kid myself and brush off a slip as it doesn't matter and I will get back on it and after a week in my mind it's forgotten. The hard part is remembering how long it's been that people are aware of versus the reality. Slipped up on that before now.

    It's OK to relapse
     
  6. Bucklord

    Bucklord Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I've been there too. Thing is, my girlfriend is dedicated to helping me through this and she questions me if she gets an disturbing feeling. She's oddly clairvoyant when it comes to this, and if she asks me I cannot lie to her face. Its just not in me.
    That path never ends well. So I'm committing myself to tell her every time from now on. Every action has a consequence and I have to hold myself accountable for every little one. I advise the same for anyone else.
     
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  7. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    It's NOT okay to relapse. Tell yourself it's okay is setting yourself up to have one.
    Relapse is not inevitable. Does it happen? Yes, often...
    I think you should be hard on yourself then analaze why you relapsed then move on and have more determination NOT to relapse.

    It's okay to relapse. Just read it... It looks like failure.
     
    wanabefree likes this.
  8. Bucklord

    Bucklord Fapstronaut

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    Nobody really needs that judgement. Not everyone is the same in how they deal and I think we concluded what to do here.
     
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  9. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not judging. Sorry you took it that way. I looked at it as if you think of something as being okay then you're more inclined to do it.
    Don't steal, it's bad but if you do it it's okay.
    I'll exit stage left... Good luck!
     
  10. Bucklord

    Bucklord Fapstronaut

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    That's common knowledge, and redundant to this topic.
    Thank you.
     
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  11. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    You are telling my exact story. I relate to so much of that.

    Thank you
     
  12. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    It is OK. I don't want that to happen though. There is a difference.

    When I am tough on myself then it doesn't work. I see that I am failing, I'm letting people down, I can't do this etc

    My attitude is that it may happen and if so then fuck it. It's part of getting better.

    Am I doing everything I can. Attending 12st meetings? Communicating with others? Taking preventative action? Journalling? Meditating? Not behaving in a way that feeds the addiction? Taking care if myself?

    If so and a relapse happens then it is OK.

    I will never be hard on myself as I know the power this addiction has and why I do it to fix feelings and self medicate. I approach it with love and tolerance and for me that brings results.

    K
     
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  13. Bucklord

    Bucklord Fapstronaut

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    I most certainly agree.
    You're doing everything right. It's easy to say that we are going to remove this from our lives forever, and that's a valid goal, but that is an immeasurable goal and we are only human.
    I think it is better to accept yourself and your failures. It's easier to move onward, constant negativity and contempt for your actions will only lead to more downward spirals eventually.
    Great job K, thanks for the advice and insight you've provided.
     
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  14. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    I love my failures and fuck ups but that took time to get to that place. When I saw them as terrible and bad then the next thought was my other half will be furious so I better hide it.
     
  15. traveller22

    traveller22 Fapstronaut

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    I think it's great you've told your partner about your struggle & desire to overcome PMO - you've taken a giant step that the majority of porn users don't & you've also sent the message that you're serious about your relationship with her & overcoming the challenge.

    One thing I would suggest is that you complete the 3-circle exercise that is a key part of the Sex Addicts Anonymous programme - assuming you haven't already. Spend some good time on it. KNOW what goes in each of your circles. When you feel comfortable with it, show here the diagram & go through it with her. Even the mention of SAA scares the crap out of a lot of people, so don't mention where it comes from. Just say it's a useful tool for people who struggle with any kind of negative habit.

    You will then both have a clear picture of three things & how they relate. There's plenty of information on-line, but it's pretty simple. Do the following:

    Take an A4 piece of paper. Draw 3 circles, one inside the other. Start listing things in the following way:

    1. in the inner circle - the behaviours you absolutely want to be clean from. e.g. porn, masturbation, chat rooms, smoking pot....whatever those behaviours are for you.
    2. in the middle circle - the risky behaviours - e.g becoming isolated/not going out, surfing on line at night, surfing alone, drinking too much alcohol, not getting enough sleep, not getting exercise, drinking too much coffee, walking past that sex shop in town, movies with particularly sexy scenes, so-called "low risk" images like hot women in bikinis or whatever, the cafe with that particular waitress, any behaviour/circumstance that increases the risk of PMO.
    3. in the outer circle - these are all the beautiful, creative, interesting, enjoyable things that you enjoy doing & that make you feel connected, positive & healthy. Things you love to do with friend family, or on your own - e.g walk in the mountains/around town, cycling, reading, going to movies, meals out with friends....you get the picture.

    The key thing is for us to have a clear picture of the three circles. Our success largely pivots on our ability to avoid the middle circle behaviours & spend as much time doing "outer circle" things as possible.

    Lets say for example that visiting sex shops is part of the behaviour matrix. Now think about a lovely green park. 3 minutes walk away is an Adult XXX shop. The outer circle is the park, where you can go walking & feel connected to nature & beauty. You're safe here. If you decide cross the street in the direction of the XXX shop, even if you tell yourself you are going to have a coffee at a cafe nearby, you've just crossed the border are into your middle circle - a risky place to be.

    You keep walking towards the shop & before you know it, you're standing right outside. You may or may not have the strength to walk away from the shop & a relapse is a strong possibility.

    We all have are own particular 3-circle landscape & we need to be honest with ourselves regarding what needs to go into each of those circles. A wise friend told me that the middle circle is where the battle is won & lost. If we can avoid the risk factors & spend as much time as possible doing the outer circle activities - scheduling in the diary if necessary - we will gradually become less obsessed with the inner circle behaviours.

    We can grow & change. There's a wide, wide world of beauty, relationships, feeling connected, positive & thankful waiting for us in the outer circle. It spreads outwards, into infinity.

    It's who we are! What we are made & destined for.

    Lets go!

    Traveller22.
     
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  16. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    I like the three circles analogy. I could work with that.

    Middle circle would be lying in bed in a morning. Another could be conversations with a sexual tone. Perhaps getting involved in unnecessary arguments too.

    That makes perfect sense
     
  17. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    The best approach for me has been candid honesty and explanation. In these discussions I have always shown ways how I am growing, improving, etc. But clarifying that I am telling for the sake of a honest ground between the two of us. Additionally, I stress that it isn't their fault, nothing they could do can fix it. I would love to give a more in-depth response or read the ones above, but it is late :( Being honest has always been the best approach.
     
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  18. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    Honesty. Hated it, still don't like it but it's the bedrock that things have to be built on. If honesty is the foundations and trust are the bricks it's going to be pretty solid no matter what
     
  19. traveller22

    traveller22 Fapstronaut

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    Honesty is certainly the bedrock of any intimate relationship. The only thing I would caution is the timing of such a oonfession - this relates specifically to factors such as the nature of ones issue, the potential for our partner to freak out, feel really hurt, betrayed or whatever. It's very easy for us to blurt out an honest confession, which while making us feel a sense of release that we've come clean about it, devastates the person hearing the "news". This is why in the 12-step model, approaching your partner about it only comes much later in the process.

    Having said all that, the sooner we have our partners aware, understanding & involved in what we're seeking to overcome, can only be better for all concerned.

    All the best for this new week.

    Moment by moment.

    T22.
     
  20. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    This is wise words. Timing is everything when you are in the situation as those of us on NoFap.
     
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