How do you talk to your S/0 about failing?

kk76 · Apr 4, 2016

Being cautious not to hurt people is essential. I don't and won't go over everything in detail as it isn't needed and would do more harm than good.

traveller22 · Apr 4, 2016

Yeah, the right timing is absolutely key for achieving an optimal outcome for the relationship. When guys get on the wagon & really want to nail PMO, it's easy to jump straight into confessing to a partner, without realising that it might be completely out of the blue & a real bombshell.

Every situation is different, so we have to all tread carefully & be wise.

Moment by moment we move forward.

T22.

Bucklord · Apr 6, 2016

traveller22 said: ↑

I think it's great you've told your partner about your struggle & desire to overcome PMO - you've taken a giant step that the majority of porn users don't & you've also sent the message that you're serious about your relationship with her & overcoming the challenge.

One thing I would suggest is that you complete the 3-circle exercise that is a key part of the Sex Addicts Anonymous programme - assuming you haven't already. Spend some good time on it. KNOW what goes in each of your circles. When you feel comfortable with it, show here the diagram & go through it with her. Even the mention of SAA scares the crap out of a lot of people, so don't mention where it comes from. Just say it's a useful tool for people who struggle with any kind of negative habit.

You will then both have a clear picture of three things & how they relate. There's plenty of information on-line, but it's pretty simple. Do the following:

Take an A4 piece of paper. Draw 3 circles, one inside the other. Start listing things in the following way:

1. in the inner circle - the behaviours you absolutely want to be clean from. e.g. porn, masturbation, chat rooms, smoking pot....whatever those behaviours are for you.
2. in the middle circle - the risky behaviours - e.g becoming isolated/not going out, surfing on line at night, surfing alone, drinking too much alcohol, not getting enough sleep, not getting exercise, drinking too much coffee, walking past that sex shop in town, movies with particularly sexy scenes, so-called "low risk" images like hot women in bikinis or whatever, the cafe with that particular waitress, any behaviour/circumstance that increases the risk of PMO.
3. in the outer circle - these are all the beautiful, creative, interesting, enjoyable things that you enjoy doing & that make you feel connected, positive & healthy. Things you love to do with friend family, or on your own - e.g walk in the mountains/around town, cycling, reading, going to movies, meals out with friends....you get the picture.

The key thing is for us to have a clear picture of the three circles. Our success largely pivots on our ability to avoid the middle circle behaviours & spend as much time doing "outer circle" things as possible.

Lets say for example that visiting sex shops is part of the behaviour matrix. Now think about a lovely green park. 3 minutes walk away is an Adult XXX shop. The outer circle is the park, where you can go walking & feel connected to nature & beauty. You're safe here. If you decide cross the street in the direction of the XXX shop, even if you tell yourself you are going to have a coffee at a cafe nearby, you've just crossed the border are into your middle circle - a risky place to be.

You keep walking towards the shop & before you know it, you're standing right outside. You may or may not have the strength to walk away from the shop & a relapse is a strong possibility.

We all have are own particular 3-circle landscape & we need to be honest with ourselves regarding what needs to go into each of those circles. A wise friend told me that the middle circle is where the battle is won & lost. If we can avoid the risk factors & spend as much time as possible doing the outer circle activities - scheduling in the diary if necessary - we will gradually become less obsessed with the inner circle behaviours.

We can grow & change. There's a wide, wide world of beauty, relationships, feeling connected, positive & thankful waiting for us in the outer circle. It spreads outwards, into infinity.

It's who we are! What we are made & destined for.

Lets go!

Traveller22.
Click to expand...

That. Was highly inspirational. Thank you for the earthly wisdom my fellow traveller

It seems like a great tool to have about me as I am a visual learner. I've found its key to have an understanding of your values (whether core, self, or arbitrary things such as the outer and inner circle) in order to quell a relapse. When we lose grasp of these virtuous connections, we shall fade back towards what we are moving away from.
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to provide that insight. It has been more helpful than you may know.

Bucklord · Apr 6, 2016

traveller22 said: ↑

When guys get on the wagon & really want to nail PMO, it's easy to jump straight into confessing to a partner, without realising that it might be completely out of the blue & a real bombshell.

I was very apprehensive about it. Always have been, maybe it is because of the nature of its upbringing. Which happened to be instagram lol!
But I agree, timing is everything.
Along with the setting and mood.
The best setting is a closed environment, essentially where yall have to work it out. A car ride home works.
Make sure it's after something yall did together. Hanging out with people in a positive experience will set up a calm and understanding vibe afterwards.
And then of course open honesty. You shouldn't ever just blurt it out. Feel that anxiety, understand it, then man up and dish it out with the upmost kindness and humility.
Click to expand...

traveller22 · Apr 6, 2016

Hi Bucklord, I'm glad you have found encouragement here. As far as timing the discussion about PMO with a partner, I think SAA have a good handle on it. The 12-Step programme lists it as Step 9 - very wise indeed, especially when we see what the first 8 steps deal with.

Wherever we are on the PMO recovery continuum, I would highly recommend people become familiar with all 12 & ideally, work through them with others. Here's a great link:

https://saa-recovery.org/OurProgram/TheTwelveSteps/

If you're interested in working through the steps on your own - not ideal but if that's all you have available, it's much better than not doing it at all - then here are some decent worksheets:

http://houstonsaa.org/recovery-resources/worksheets-and-tools/

We've got the power!

T22.

Bucklord · Apr 9, 2016

I look to God for inspiration, for truth, and for courage. The energy he provides clears my path, but in my journey of PMO I have been working through more secular motivations.
The worksheet is smart and I thank you for it.

traveller22 · Apr 10, 2016

Hey Bucklord. I'm glad you are finding the worksheet useful.

We go forward.

T22.

kk76 · Apr 10, 2016

Try and be honest in your life too but with tact...

"Did you enjoy the dinner I made you?"

"No, it was bloody awful"

Honesty to the extreme.

Today I have been troubled about sending an amend to an ex. I share that and even layfh that as we were in bed this morning I was thinking of my ex. It's meant in the correct context of correcting my past but I can share look this is troubling me.

wanabefree · Apr 11, 2016

Rav70 said: ↑

It's NOT okay to relapse. Tell yourself it's okay is setting yourself up to have one.
Relapse is not inevitable. Does it happen? Yes, often...
I think you should be hard on yourself then analaze why you relapsed then move on and have more determination NOT to relapse.

It's okay to relapse. Just read it... It looks like failure.
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I think I know what you mean.
If we tell ourselves that "it is okay to relapse" we may interpret that in a way that we start feeling okay about making excuses about relapsing. If we tell ourselves that it is NOT okay to relapse then we force ourselves to not find excuses to make it okay to relapse.

In this way, we remain vigilant and alert.

Rav70 · Apr 11, 2016

Exactly!

traveller22 · Apr 11, 2016

Yeah, staying vigilant & alert is key. The PMO Monkey is clever & expert at getting us to start rationalising, making deals, flirting with it etc.

More power to all warriors out there.

T22.

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