How do your PA SOs sneak porn?

Unfortunately there are lots of ways. My husband has a work laptop and yes it has content blockers but he was able to get around them in various ways. So I have installed the same monitoring software on his work laptop that is on his mobile - A2U (accountable2you). This doesn't block it but I can see what he's looking at, at any given time and I can setup immediate alerts on specific things, like YouTube searches or Vimeo for instance. The way my husband got around the content blockers on his work laptop was by using porn subs. So searching something relatively innocent on google images and then just continuing to drill down on the suggested content, that way no other search terms other than the initial one is registered. For example, beach, and then by drilling down could end up very quickly at what he wanted. Also, by using loads of different platforms that are considered quite normal but contain loads of porn and again the searches inside the platform aren't registered unless you have paid monitoring software....so sites such as Twitter, Vimeo, Flickr, Pinterest, YouTube, Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat...there are loads of them and they all contain heaps of porn. I also have OpenDNS Family Shield setup on our home router which blocks most porn sites but doesn't block images. Also, of course Incognito Mode which I'm sure your aware of. Then of course there's the saving of videos / images etc to USB sticks, hard drives or disks and of course none of this registers on content blockers. I have an alert setup so I can see as soon as any drive is accessed i.e. (G) or E, F, D etc....as well as when ever any movie player is used on his laptop. That's a few ways...I can think straight off the top of my head. I'm sure there's more. I would definitely suggest monitoring software if it's a laptop he brings home and the OpenDNS on the home router. Even if it's a work computer that doesn't come home, if he's the only one using it, he would be able to install A2U on it for you. All he has to do is go to the A2U site, log in on his computer (with the username / password) and download the software onto his computer - it's very quick and there's easy to follow instructions. Then you just change the password once it's done, so he can't go in and change any of the settings later. You can then control the rest from your home computer. If he was concerned about anyone else seeing it you simply remove it from the quick access menu and save the program in some hidden folder. That's what I did, but no-one else uses his computer anyway....I hope that helps some. Would love to hear any suggestions that others may have too....

 

Yeeeepppp like buying a laptop you know nothing about ;(

 

Yes exactly, blocking content / monitoring software is nothing more than a deterrent, to make it a little less easy or convenient to access. Certainly not a solution by any means. The addict has to want to beat their addiction and that is the only solution in the end....

 

My husband is attending school full time in addition to working full time. He would use the school computers on private browsers to look it up and save it both on the hard drive on his personal account and on jump drives to take back and forth, because he knew there was no way I could track it. Since he started recovery he has been fully honest with me and his behavior has changed so much that I believe him when he says that it's all gone and he doesn't use the computers there for that purpose anymore.

 

A content filter is nothing more than a lock on your door. It keeps honest people honest. But it doesn’t do anything when they kick in the door, or break a window. Any phone app is also free to what it wants without the confines of the content blocker, which only extends to browser AFAIK. My wife has informed me there are even innocuous looking apps to hide P or other things behind. Hidden or secret devices is always a work around. While the OpenDNS filters are useful, again it only keeps people honest, and it is trivial to use a different IP for DNS on any computer or phone.
Ideally the content filter or accountability tools are just for peace of mind, they don’t actually stop the behavior, I consider them more of a think before you do, just a small hoop to jump through, or a moment to pause and let the rational brain make the right choice instead of the P brain getting its way.

 

Yes there is always a work around to any block or security measure but what you do is start layering those blocks, filters, etc. For example A2U combined with OpenDNS combined with whatever else you want to add.

This is the same principle used when securing any device or property. You create layers of security so that it isn't easy to access, takes longer to access and the longer it takes the more likely they will get caught.

My apologies if what said seems over the top.

 

Like @GhostWriter says they can't ever block the intent addict.

Actually this was part of my addiction, the rush of deviance, trying to thwart the barriers in place. It appealed to my ego and it was exhilarating to "get away with it". Cracking the safe sometimes is as satisfying as the bounty inside it.

However, do not be discouraged, theses apps and safeguards are better than nothing. I have them on my devices currently and they have at times reminded me of what I am about in my moments of weakness.

Also with enough of them, for me anyway, I get too lazy to circumvent them in my moments of crisis. I know I could, but often I say "nah it's not worth the effort" and the trigger passes.

I'm all for blockers and accountability software, but do not expect to get external solutions for internal problems.

 

In my experience porn isn’t the problem. It’s a symptom of the problem. We have a disease of addiction (if he’s like me) where 2 things are true:

We can stop once we start and we can’t stay stopped once we stop.

It’s the harsh fact of addiction and it’s not the PAs fault. Meaning, even if a PA wants to stop he/she can’t, hence the lying, relapse and all other emotional consequences.

I would urge you to pick up the AA Big Boom and read it. Everywhere they mention alcohol change the word to Porn and it should become clear what addiction is.

If you care for him and want to remain together the best thing you can do is learn what he’s going through and try and support him.

Another thing I wanted to say is there are varying degrees of porn addiction and porn use. The mental and emotional consequences can be huge regardless of how far down the rabbit hole he’s gotten, but you might be able find some peace in the fact that he might not be as bad as you’re thinking on the grand scheme of things. Is it a problem for him, Well it sounds like it is, and sounds like it’s a problem for you but not knowing the details of the content he looks at, it might be better than you think. there’s a lot of really dark and twisted fetishes online and watching that content can lead to sever depression even suicidal thoughts and a huge identity crisis.

I definitely think this is a problem for you and him, but I think communication is important and support for both of you so each of you feel safe and that your voices are being heard. Possibly couples therapy or a CSAT therapy for each of you would be helpful. And you might find some relief by researching addiction in general and specifically sex addiction (Patrick carnes). Because if you’re in a relationship together and don’t plan on leaving him, then you are attempting to recover from this addiction together, it’s not him versus you, it’s one addiction effecting you’re family unit. So you’re both in the same boat.


This is my 2 cents considering I only know what you’ve said so far

To answe your question. He could go to a local cellphone store and purchase a cheap $30 cellphone and use free public WiFi outside of a Starbucks and watch porn and masturbate in his car. There is literally no way to stop someone from doing PMO. The best way is to show empathy and support and walk this journey together, and attend the therapeutic ways to fix the emotional problems which cause people to seek out PMO.