How Does It Affect Kids?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Dec 10, 2017.

  1. I touched on this issue on the intercourse thread but I thought I'd have a thread dedicated to this issue.

    How does having a PA parent affect the kids?
    If you look at porn as a parent do you fear your kids will find out?
    Have you thought about how you would explain it if your kids saw you looking at porn?
    Maybe your kids have found out and if so how did you deal with it?

    I think we focus so much on us and then our SO but we forget about how it's effecting our children.
    Torn likes this.
  2. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

    My husband became very ill tempered and increasingly frustrated with our kids. Instead of playing with them he would hide in the den and PMO. Instead of reading with our eldest while I was with our youngest at bed time, he would hide in the den and PMO. He really started being neglectful and the kids, especially our son, could feel it. It was like none of us were worth his time anymore. None of us mattered. Intetestingly, he would switch it around in order to absolve himself of the responsibility and guilt. "Our son hates reading with me anyway. He loves reading on his own". "The kids were happy playing alone, I didn't want to bug them". Oh the head games addicts play :(
    u376 and Deleted Account like this.
  3. I'm often absent minded. Kids can feel that whether it's politics, sports, video games, bowling, or whatever Dad spends his time on instead of with them. Time spent on PMO = time not spent with children. Children need lots of time with a father to develop well. They don't need quality time, they need quantity time. Often their favorite things are not going to Disney Land, but the time spent with Dad every day.

    I also get frustrated easily with my kids but I think that's a good sign now that I'm getting more sobriety under my belt because I'm confronting the problems I used to ignore witih PMO. I'd rather learn how to deal with my frustration in a calm way instead of choosing PMO over them so I'm in a good mood during the less time I spend with them.
  4. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    If you're a father, next to being a loving dedicated husband, there is no greater responsibility imho.

    A common history for most of us on here is we started PMO about the time of puberty. Dangerously enough we miswired our brains and neuroreceptors during a crucial stage of development. Thus leading to a lifelong addiction so far. Although we think our secret problem doesn't affect children, it does. As mentioned above our mood, temper, patience, kindness, selflessness, are all affected by the grip of PMO. These emotions and values are the very ones required to raise great children. Being selfish or dismissive of our children could lead them to feel confused and think Dad is scary or unapproachable. Whereas what children need more than anything is to know there is big tough man that will listen, advocate, and protect them in thier new an scary world.

    The other dangerous trap is that our kids could fall into the same self destructive behavior as us unless we identify it, admit its reality, and teach our kids how to avoid it. I know so many father's who don't/won't talk about PMO with thier kids because either they are ill equipped or they don't want to face thier own demons. Given the average age of pornography exposure is 9yrs old, I say what are you waiting for?!

    I own an have read to my children a great book called
    Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today's Young Kids
    by Gail Poyner Phd, Kristen A. Jenson

    It's very rewarding that at least for my children they know what is and isn't healthy. We as a family call out Pornography in all forms as it tries to market our brains.
    And for my teenager who already struggles with his own urges, I let him know of my heartache and regrets. He knows my days sober, moreso he knows my commitment to heal. (Teenage journey and mine is an whole other thread)

    We are all in this together, Porn Kills Love.
    Kenzi, Torn, TooMuchTooSoon and 4 others like this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Question... Do you think that since the change in the media to make fathers idiots since around 2005 on movies and television shows for childrens media is actually linked to the rise in absence of fathers attention, because of PMO? @Surfing Poet
    Curious thoughts, right?
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  6. I've heard that book is awesome. I want to get that and
    The Squire and the Scroll: A Tale of the Rewards of a Pure Heart
    The Princess and the Kiss: A Story of God's Gift of Purity
    both by Jennie Bishop

    From our conversations, my 6 year old already well understands the relationship between marriage and having babies (without the genital details) and having respect for their bodies through modesty. They are curious and want to know about life! They also know some videos on the internet (youtube for them) are not good for us (they once found some with slight potty humor and we had to lock down the devices) as well as consuming too much TV can be bad for the mind. We keep it to a small amount each day and then try to be intional by picking out a movie to rent/buyh together on Saturday nights.

    We can't let them fall into the same hell we fell into. They can very well be the generation that eradicates porn through a healthy understanding of sex and media consumption.
  7. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    First, the biggest way it *could* affect them for me at least, is that my husband put their family at risk. If we divorce over all this, obviously I think that has a huge impact on them. He says he never put the job that supports us all at risk by doing this at work, but if he did, that would also have a big impact.

    As for times during PMO... yeah that actual time he was away from them. He didn't have a lot of time in the evenings after he was home from work and they went to bed. He'd spend long amounts of time in the bathroom during this time. They've been waiting all day for him to get home so they could see him and he did that.

    It changed his mood. He was irritable. He was emotionally closed off. He was always distracted with something. And he was a hypocrite.
  8. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    I remember being a kid and my dad being very open about P, as well as noticing his cheating behavior. It really had an effect on me as a kid. I remember this feeling of being scared. Not so much scared of him, but just scared of the situation. I knew it was bad. It was kind of like a secret I knew, felt guilty about, but couldn't tell anyone. Who am I, being a little kid, to let people know my dad is constantly hooking up with people who aren't his girlfriend?
    These are some things that I still see/hear in my head. He was also incredibly open and boasted/joked about the videos and things he would buy and look up online. He was a bad alcoholic so I think his judgement wasn't the greatest, to have that kind of stuff always around his kids.
    There were other adults who, me being a male child, thought it was funny to show me things that were inappropriate. I remember later on trying to find those sites on my own. Today, that would be considered a form of sexual abuse.

    Being a kid is weird enough. If we aren't careful, we can ruin our children's minds. I would never want my child to fall into the same pattern of behavior as me, just as I never wanted to fall into the same pattern of behavior as my dad.
  9. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

    This was how I was. I didn't see how much I was hurting my kids until I got away from PM. My 3 year old felt like I didn't even like him and I didn't know why. I think God I realized (and my wife) that I noticed what was going on before he got older. Know he's starting to give me hugs randomly instead of going to start a huge then stoping. He's also been coming downstairs behind me when I get ready for and "helping" :emoji_wink: get ready for work. It's really becoming one of my favorite part of my day.

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