How far down the P*rn rabbit hole did you fall?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by takezawa2, Oct 9, 2021.

  1. One day I PMOed so many times that at the end I couldn't even remember my own name. That was a wake up call for me.
     
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  2. My P rabbit hole goes back a looong way. And it's not pretty at all. I mean it, it's sad at times and disgusting at other times. If you are curious about how my escalation went, see the spoiler below, but do so at your own risk and peril, as it might contain triggers for relapse. It's also long stuff. Now that we're good on terms and I did warn you, you can read.
    In bold key-points of the narration.
    In principle, I was in middle school. At the time I just was curious, and asked my best friend for sites where I could view naughty material.
    I started with that: normal, straight porn. I didn't even masturbate at the time. I was 12 or 13, don't recall well. But it was a new world, I didn't even knew what it meant. I was so naive I even told my grandma about it like "hey gran, I discovered a P site!"
    Yeah. I was that dense.

    Then I stumbled on the 'hentai' section, and had a pretty hardcore selection, mostly involving r*pe. I didn't pay attention to the r*pe play, just the sex.
    The more I came back, though, the r*pe play seemed far more exciting than the rest, because of the taboo factor.
    Hentai became my preferred source after a while, but I also alternated it with real porn.
    For the hentai I used a website which translated it in my native language, which I won't reveal, but it was necessary because I did not understand English at the time.
    One day, on that site, the first 'loli' hentai I viewed starred a schoolgirl with huge, bouncy breasts. Of course, there was naivete play (as in 'I don't know what's this, I'll trust the adult of the situation') involved, circumvention/coercion into having sex.
    I think I was 15 or 16, so it didn't bother much at the time: I was a minor too after all, so no problem right? (It was, a problem.) But the shock was so exciting, the contrast between such ample breasts and a body so young and slender made me super erect, and it was so prohibited that I didn't visit any other P material until the novelty factor started to wean off. And it sealed my fate.

    As time passed, my preferences and tastes changed: from big boobs and ass I started to look at more 'petite' bodies, I preferred to look at shaven, very undeveloped vulvae (as in very young, coinslot-like) instead of mature labia. I was stuck there for long. I didn't only search for that, but those were the stuff that made me ejaculate a lot. I eventually mixed r*pe and petite-like bodies (mostly implied underage, but it aroused me even if it was a petite body for a much older character), for maximum taboo effect. And the more I grew the more the "I'm young and they're young so there's no problem" excuse ceased to hold up. I even thought to be a pedophile for years, and I hated myself for that, because I was also looking at my female cousin (4-5 years younger) with lust. I masturbated to the thought of having sex with her like the first hentai of that kind I saw.
    After that phase, memories are sort of blurry. Guess it means that I looked at stuff without really thinking about it. I just wanted to get off, somehow. I hooked for one kind of P at a time, then when it ceased to have an effect, I went with another kind, and so on and so forth. Sometimes stuff like furry, cuckolding, incest (both with older and younger siblings/parents) even gore popped up and I desensitized myself to all of it. It was gross, and it is gross right now to put it black on white.

    I started to feel really shitty because I couldn't talk to women, I was constantly tired, constantly angry, and I projected this anger on myself and on the opposite sex. I hated myself for being such a wimp and an idiot and women for not giving a guy like me a chance. I also never tried to approach them because "why bother? They'll refuse me, I'm a wimp, I suck, I'm worthless and my dick is too short". It didn't help that my mom and dad told me they noticed glances coming my way from girls. I believed they were lying to make me feel better, and my destiny was doomed. I still didn't think it was porn's fault for influencing me.

    Then into 2018, I joined a roleplay. It was supposed to be innocent enough, just a High School/Boarding School roleplay coming from a turn 'mapgaming' group. By the time I was well versed with english. This devolved rapidly into erotic roleplay, and the first time involved me using this to relieve my sexual frustration with a character which, at the time, I believed it was controlled by a woman. When 'she' broke up with her bf (he was also in the group), I tried my shot (over the internet, yes, you can laugh, I do that myself). I was super happy: I thought I was over my crappy period. I felt normal, finally. I felt like the other guys. I had feelings for the character 'she' was controlling, and I thought it was a self insert, so I started to get well into pms with 'her'. When I was warned 'she' was in reality 'he', a sort of transvestite, my world dropped. Literally. The motivation that led me to try harder in class, krav maga courses, studying---gone with the wind.

    But I continued staying in the group, and it was my greatest mistake. I didn't want to let go of that final feeling, the feeling for the character he was playing, because I felt a deep emotional connection to it. He later (2019-2020, memory is blurry so I don't remember much) used the ascendant this character had on me to 'confess his love' to me, and I couldn't say 'no', even though a voice told me to shot him down. But my addict self felt like it was the only chance for me to screw someone, and if it looked 'female enough', it was okay. and that kickstarted my shift into sissy/trap porn, because I soon started to use this 'relationship' to release my frustration, sending him dick pics and receiving praise in return. He only sent two pictures, of his ass, carefully tucking his penis so I wouldn't see it and keep the illusion of a female-like appearance going. Since I was 100% sure we were going to fuck eventually, I also started to look for trap hentai. Yes, hentai, not live-action porn, because all the characters in there used anime aesthetic as standard. It got to the point of us ERP'ing in private, first with our characters, then as ourselves, then as secondary (male and male) characters with the intention of feminizing/subduing his character by using, you guessed it, coercion and r*pey methods. It's frightening how r*pe play porn has impacted my sexuality for all these years.

    I ended it a month or two after beginning, for two reasons: he didn't send any more pics (and I was sending plenty), and it felt more disgusting each day, because after all, I didn't love him back. I was playing 'pretend' so I would get more material to masturbate on, and it felt like using him (even though HE used ME first). He was getting more and more distant, as if he didn't even want to answer me on anything else but sexting, was continuously lamenting and threatening suicide, and kept refusing requests for pics on my part. Besides, I myself was dubious whether I would have been ok with touching a penis that wasn't mine, and I was resolute that I would have only let him touch mine, but not vice versa. I was getting tired, and gradually disgusted by the whole situation, so I used the first opportunity to end it. And I did. I felt free, but I gained a new fetish: crossdressing traps.
    At first it was 75/25, then 50/50, then around 90% of what I looked for was 'dickgirls', often in rapey, groomy, prostitutive or otherwise exploitative scenarios.
    I believe it was made easier by the fact that I was already desensitized by proper female bodies, with breasts, hourglass-like bodies, because I masturbated to undeveloped or petite bodies. It also played on my insecurities: i felt like my penis was too short to satisfy a woman, so I figured that a penis in the ass was always 'felt', unlike in a vagina. It also turned me on that I could/would 'see' if I made one have an orgasm, because they would have an erection and ejaculate from me fucking them.


    I continued to be hooked on it until one day I realized I didn't feel a thing for normal, "dickless" girls in the same exact outfits. Until that point I continued to tell myself "ah yeah I can cease whenever, this shit won't affect real life anyway, it's just a fetish". I still told myself I was heterosexual, I felt heterosexual, I didn't look at any male lustfully ONCE. But when I was in my room alone, bored, depressed or simply because I was horny, I looked for that material. Then I made a trip to support my dad with cancer. There were deep problems in my family: my sister having nervous mental breakdowns and then wanting to transition to a man, mom being overworked, and dad with aforementioned cancer therapy.
    There, outside my home, left to my devices, it all clicked. There was something wrong. I tried to see if any attractive girl on the street would tell me something in a sexual way: nothing. For reassurance, I indulged even more into porn, both straight and trap. It got up, as expected, but when I was without porn, only on fantasy, I could not get my Joe to react. This spiked my anxiety attacks a lot. Then, I had an anxiety attack by looking at a commercial with a very well built boy, around my age. Then my HOCD started, and with it the same obsessive flow of thoughts: "why did I get anxious? I am not gay. Am I? I did have a relationship with that guy, I sent him pics. Yes but I saw him as a woman. Yes but he had a penis. You also looked for traps online to masturbate to them. Yes but if they look female enough, I'm looking for female aesthetics. It's an excuse and you know it. You're at least bi! But I don't feel anything for masculinity! Do I? No? Yes?"

    And to this day, I could not get rid of this constant flow of consciousness.

    Morals of the story: Never trust the internet, never fap to disgusting shit, go fuck someone real.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2021
  3. Peaceful magic 21

    Peaceful magic 21 Fapstronaut

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    I hope so dude, I’m destroying my life with this poison. And just lost my mum. Which triggered me back into the Shemale stuff. Never felt so low
     
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  4. im_done

    im_done Fapstronaut

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    This is gross...but here I am.
    I realized my descension into degeneracy was when I was masturbating to
    -anal and vaginal stretching/prolapsing or exteme insertion
    -"forced" porn or women under distress while filming
    - femdom involving women sitting on or abusing men/women.
    - shemale/transwoman material
    - enemas and food insertion
    - women farting
    - women defecating/urinating or having sex involving feces/urine.
    I looked at this content and felt disgusted yet I would continue to masturbate to it. All of the above fetishes I know are extreme and are not shared by even a majority of men, let alone women (stastically, anyway). I have an underlying fear I'll introduce this to a sexual partner and be righly excommunicated. I've also noticed my erections beginning at 2020 were not nearly as strong as before that time. I can only achieve full length while sitting up. I don't want this crap affecting my health.
     
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  5. Demodectic

    Demodectic Fapstronaut

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    Its good to hear that I am not the only one and that other "normal men" had been watching this filth and depravity and for me I because concerned when I was watching shemale porn more and more often and then noticed I had been watching it day after day and also other nasty stuff like cuckold and 400 lb woman with a really skinny guy. Also I liked watching woman do hard drugs like smoke meth and then have sex. And I wanted to see woman injecting heroin but I never was able to find that particular genre, not on the tube sites (at least).

    But then I was fantasizing in real life that I would like to hire an escort and smoke crack and smoke meth with her and have sex. Isnt that crazy? I realized it was not just fantasy anymore but that I actually wanted to do it in real life and just imagine how dangerous it would be to do that or even to hire a trannie escort to come to your house and what if the neighbors looked out the window and saw it?

    Not to mention I had my hard drive packed with over 3TB of disgusting and depraved porn and just imagine if I died and then my family members found my computer and saw these disgusting videos they would have thought I was a real life ghey or when they saw the r*pe videos that they would think I had a desire to rape a woman or to roofie them or maybe even that I had committed real life r*apes before!

    I knew I was serious this quit because I erased the entire hard drive of the entire porn collection. The more disgusting and revolting the porn is......thats what stimulated the dopamine to most so its no wonder we turn to this horrifying genres and incest and "have sex with my mother" style of thing. Basically the more disgusting and offensive it is the better. Thats when you are in the advanced stages of this addiction

    I consider the advanced stage to be when you actually hire a real life hooker or when you actually put a dildo in your butt. Or if you go to a gay bar and bring home a sex partner in real life
     
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  6. Mahalac

    Mahalac Fapstronaut

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    For me it was like this :
    Vanilla stuff,
    Gay porn,
    Transexual porn,
    Female flatulence( all of it),
    Beastiality.

    Those were just main ones, I am pretty ashamed for that but never mind. It was just f.cking addiction, nothing else. It's like going from weed to heroin, but fortunately I am going to kill that shit for good...
     
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  7. RaFy942

    RaFy942 New Fapstronaut

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    I have been watching it for more than ten years now and it was doing a lot of damage to me, both spiritually and mentally. For quite a while I felt hollow inside, had brain fog and would never get enough rest from sleep. It also gave me social anxiety and made me think socializing was just not meant for me. The scary part was that I could not even connect all that with porn. During that time I got into trans porn, some hardcore shit and reached a point where I lost much of the attraction I had towards women. I was more turned on by shemales then. I started to think I was maybe bi or something, which then resulted in me checking with gay porn which then gave me severe hocd.
    It's been a while since I have been on this journey and right now I am struggling to make it past my third week. I usually relapse around days 15-21. My highest streak was 49 days. I never binge so due to that I retained some of the healing my brain would get during my streaks. As a result my brain fog and sleep have gotten a lot better. But my porn induced fetishes and premature ejaculation haven't. That being said I will never give up on this. I'll keep on going until I overcome myself and this vile thing.
     
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  8. rbq

    rbq Fapstronaut

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    Over time I've definitely escalated in what turns me on in porn. Vanilla doesn't really do it for me anymore. In fact, I look at pretty depraved stuff regularly.

    But that was not the "low point" to start me on my attempt at recovery. I didn't realize how much TIME i was wasting on porn. And I didn't realize it was something I'd have trouble quitting. But then I got married. I figured I'd just drop porn at that point. But I couldn't. And then as responsibilities added up being in a relationship, a father, a more serious career, I started to realize how much time I was wasting. It was the combination of those 2 things -- realizing how much time I wasted and not being able to stop, made understand I was addicted. That was my low point.
     
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  9. Continue Screen

    Continue Screen Fapstronaut

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    It's scary how deep you go when you're looking for that next dose.
     
  10. Kevodrag

    Kevodrag Fapstronaut

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    I am like never ever suicidal, doubt I’d ever do it. But I started actually thinking about it. And also, my present and my future are at stake with this addiction.
     
  11. FatRat999

    FatRat999 New Fapstronaut

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    Hola a todos, es mi primera publicación en NoFap. Estoy ahora justo en el agujero del conejo. Practico la masturbación diariamente, y estoy viendo cómo me está consumiendo, y como me consume todo lo que me importa en esta vida, mi matrimonio, mi negocio, mi autoestima. Qué tan hondo he caído en el porno? Muy hondo. Videos de mujeres callejeras masturbándose en la calle o en situación de pobreza, suciedad o trato abusivo. Pero aquí sigo. Soy una rata gorda, y sé que soy una rata gorda. Y no sé cómo, pero quiero salir de este agujero y voy a salir de este agujero.
     
  12. Re-Life2010

    Re-Life2010 Fapstronaut

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    Well Mr. Takesaw-San.

    I’d say the worst I’ve done is cams. Then escalating to TS for something new being curious about it… It lasted for a while but I didn’t see anything wrong with it because I considered myself bi at the time for a few years.. I’m realizing it’s distortion in my mind as I have a beautiful girlfriend now. Sexual feelings are just different for woman now and I pray in my heart it goes back to how I felt 10 years ago.


    To this day I haven’t touched cams for over a few months and I tend to focus my feelings on the Woman I’m with.
     
  13. Legacy of Lost Soul

    Legacy of Lost Soul Fapstronaut

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    Much deeper than Ive realized at the moment I was there.

    Same as ppl on drugs do not realize they have a serious problem.
     
  14. Upwards2020

    Upwards2020 Fapstronaut

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    That's rough i got into TS porn even though I have moments of clarity and realise I'm not really into it . And it's the ones that look like the hottest of women that kind of get me. if I'm horny I go with it . If I'm not I have to work to see the female and unless they really look like a cis gender female I cant get. Or keep hard . It's all very bizzare when I'm not horny and it's more the compulsion I start to see alot more . And it just turns me off. It's fucked up definitely too far down the rabbit hole for me. I remember the times when i nearly was cumming in my boxer shorts from sexual with women I remember a girl in high school . We'd flirt everyday but she was going out with my best mate . Eventually we got drunk after school and things got touchy feely grabbing my dick in my jeans and teasing me by sucking the top of a glass bottle . I knew she was wanting my cock because She followed me when I went for a piss rock hard . . my mate was literally standing a few 100feet away . we were both drunk and she wanted my dick. at that stage I was literally about to cum in my boxer shorts she'd been grabbing my dick all night . Id have probably lasted about 5 seconds if anything did happen. But a mates a mate and he couldn't not have known something was going on . I decided to play dumb and went home not long after . That's the way I was with women sometimes . I remember getting with a girl in a bar and got into her behind the bar . Went back to hers and came in about 5 seconds but stay hard and go again for 30-50 minutes longest was 4 hours .after that her friends started texting me lol

    Porn has definitely fucked me up though over the past year . If I don't stop PMO or long enough i doubt I'd even be able to get hard

    Apologies for the detail . But makes you realise how messed up the use of porn can be and were it can lead . Fortunately I recognised what it was what it was doing and how escalation plays with your mind . ATM I can pmo to ts even though I can't get hard to it . Porn is messy and compulsive
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2021
  15. Legacy of Lost Soul

    Legacy of Lost Soul Fapstronaut

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    Just remembered some disorder which forced me to look my male friends in between their legs. It was constant battle to not look there. I was FUCKED
     
  16. Robert.G99

    Robert.G99 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I watched all types of porn and I mean ALL. I started with the ,,normal'' stuff for the first 6 years (18) and then I got into more rough stuff like BDSM, hardcore etc. This was still pretty normal for me and I didn't have any problem with those types of porn, but something happened after this. Even those types of more didn't excite me anymore. I could still get a good erection on them, but...I didn't feel the same level of arousal. So I got into more fucked up stuff like trans, bestiality, gore, snuff, torture and even gay porn. At this point I didn't care what I had in front of my screen, I just wanted to feel the same level of arousal as years before. Then I started to get bored even of those and you know what I started to look for, I don't even need to mention it...the worst type of porn. I even been aroused by dead bodies of women.

    So yeah, in the last 7 months I started to question my sexuality, identity, morals, principles and I never did this before. I started to have some urges to in reality in search of satisfying my need for dopamine (the next hit) and I felt so scared of what I become. Now, I am pretty paranoid and I overthink everything mentioned above. I just resumed on porn because if I do something as I saw in porn, it will destroy my identity and mental health forever.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2021
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  17. Upwards2020

    Upwards2020 Fapstronaut

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    It really does take over your life
     
  18. Legacy of Lost Soul

    Legacy of Lost Soul Fapstronaut

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    Yeah it fukks u up :/ I also remember thinking if I am gay. Its so common to hear it here.. i was scared of woman because I knew that Im basically impotent. And they felt all my insecurities so in turn there was no way to even get a female. Just a vicious circle. I got used to be so depleted that reaching orgasm was really hard and I ejaculated literaly few drops and that was it. In 4 hours, I did it once again anyway. Than in bed. My semen was under my PC, on my blankets.. everywhere. When I woke up, I jacked one off immediately. Than again few times during the day. Evening in bed... neverending cycle ;(
     
  19. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly this! I found I watched MORE porn once I'd got married, less time to go see my friends and working all the time, it escalated so much more, it was like my only escape when I was alone. Then the PIED kicked in and it affected our sex life somewhat.

    I used to take minutes watching p0rn in my teens and early 20s, as I got to late 20s and early 30s the hours and hours of binging began, sadly.
     
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