How I made it to 104 days!

OK, to start with, I have to remind myself that, when starting this streak, the idea of being able to write this story was not a sure thing. It is easy to start taking for granted what one has achieved, and to downplay it. This was not easy. I am now 32. I fapped away my teens and my 20s. I’ve known it wasn’t doing me any good for at least the last 10 years. But I have stopped. Finally. And this is how...

So firstly, you have to be fed up with it. I was fed up. I was 32. I was a high school teacher in London, which I enjoyed, but the job was my life and it stressed me out on a regular basis. I had stopped playing sport due to a niggling injury so had put on weight. I regularly gorged on sugary food. I had a toxic relationship with a girl I worked with. I lived in a flat I didn’t like. My social life was minimal and I didn’t really know what I wanted from life.

My first step was to quit my job. It wasn’t making me happy and with the ups and downs of it the quick endorphin release from masturbating to porn was just too difficult to resist.

I then had a 13 day streak by the end of which I was just so miserable that I reset the counter and resolved to plan out how I was going to beat this a little more clearly.

I came here to the forums and started chatting to other guys that were looking for accountability partners. I started talking to quite a group of them but as my journey went on I had three that stuck with me for the 90 days. For me this was extremely important. I needed someone that I could talk to and that knew where I was. It gave me strength to hear their stories and feel that my advice was of use to them.

August:
I spent August moving out of my flat (the one I didn’t like). The toxic relationship rumbled on but I had put a deadline on that. I was going to spend a month in France doing a course in September, and I had told my girlfriend that this would be the end of the road for us as I was likely to move away soon after. I started to experience symptoms of the flatline quite early and was often unable to have sex with my girlfriend that month. This wasn’t a major cause for concern to me as the relationship was not in a good place anyway. So the first 3 weeks I would summarise as messy. I think this is normal. Change takes time.

September:
So I was doing a TEFL course in France which was highly intensive. I basically worked every single day of that month. This was perfect for me at this time for several reasons. The distance allowed me to finally put some space between me and my former partner. I was constantly engaged and therefore spent no time worrying about using porn or the fact that I was on a major flatline. In fact I hardly even registered, but in retrospect my libido was just gone. Rarely getting morning wood. But this was just fine with me. Sex and porn and masturbation have taken over so many experiences in my life. I was happy for the break. On public transport to and from my course each day I found myself experimenting with looking at women differently. Or rather, not looking at them so much. It was strangely empowering and I found myself feeling far less self-conscious in public as a result. By the time I came back to the UK from France I had broken new ground. I was on 50 days. One more full month and I would nearly be at the 90 mark.

October:
I came back to the UK and moved back in with parents. I was determined to really sort my life out from the ground up and I set myself a list of life administration targets for the whole month. This gave me a sense of purpose when I got up each morning. I started going to the gym and rehabbing my old injury. I socialised with friends. I was still flatlining but my priority at all times was getting to 90 days so again, I was pleased to be flatlining. Less libido, less temptation. Fortunately for me I wasn’t getting any of the brain fog or low mood symptoms. My schedule was full at all times and I can’t say that I struggled often. I would occasionally find myself google imaging celebrities but nothing more.

November:
In November I made it to 90 days. I took my parents to dinner to celebrate (they didn’t know why). I’d made it! It was time to look at where I went from here.
So I finally put myself back out there on 1st November going out to some bars with my friends. And I met a girl almost immediately. Right place right time? Extra confidence? Probably a bit of both. Here was where I finally had to face up to the flatline. Going back to a girls place and nothing working is not a nice feeling for any guy. When it’s someone new they really have nothing invested in you either. I was fortunate that this girl did not seem to mind (i didn’t broach the subject). I did begin to stress out a bit about it though in the days after. I arranged to meet her again and when nothing was working a second time I told her that I was having some difficulties getting erections. She told me not to worry which put me at my ease. The third time I saw her things started to work, and again on the fourth date. This has made me question whether in fact the erectile disfunction caused by porn is something that can be resolved quicker through practice with real humans. It was scary and awkward, especially as I was practising with someone new but it was amazing to feel that connection. The connection was so much better having given my brain 100 days away from porn. I thought about her throughout and nothing else.

I don’t feel like I would go back to porn after experiencing what it did to my brain and then my body upon trying to quit. I feel porn-free now. I feel excited about a lifetime ahead of sex and connection with real people. I feel like I’m not hiding anything anymore. It’s been a tough experience but the benefits are amazing.

 

Wow! Congratulations!

 

Hey, I’m pleased , you can do it!

I was drinking alcohol which certainly wouldn’t have helped the situation. I think nerves can play a part too. However, I was also aware that I wasn’t able to get hard through touching myself at home.

I’m still not quite sure where I am with the flatline. It seems to have improved a lot since I started engaging in sexual activity again - I have been waking up with morning wood for example. It’s different though I think as before at least every other night or so I would have been watching porn and getting aroused very quickly from that. Now my arousal is probably more infrequent because I’m thinking less about sex in general.

 

Well I’ve been getting morning wood again, if not every morning. Last two occasions I was with a girl I was able to get hard.