how i quit p&m (and should i cheat on my asexual gf?)

Hi, I just want to write down my story and share it with you guys. I'm 35 years old and always have had a strong opinion and will. My plan was to only go for and settle with the right girl with whom I would spend the rest of my life with. I only met her when I was 27 and we're still together; I love her. I never had sex with anyone else and never had another relationship, which I really didn't care about, being a hopeless romantic. But being a man, I had to do something with my sexual urges in the mean time and that was porn & masturbation, from when I was like 16. Because my girlfriend is quiet a-sexual sadly (I haven't even seen her vagina ever... our sex life is almost non-existant but I really love her and I know she loves me too... our relationship is great if you leave out the sexual part), I continued porn & masturbation throughout my relationship. Mostly my fap sessions would take long, like 2 or 3 hours, with alot of edging. I felt cheated upon after some time in our relationship, because we rarely have sex... in my head the plan always was to find the right girl and then catch up all the sexual stuff I missed what other people had being in their horny twenties. I didn't mind back then, but it backfired because it occured to my that I will not catch up as I had planned... I regretted not fooling around like the other guys did and just enjoying sex and girls, which I could have done also if I didn't stick to my stupid principles, thinking I was superior in some way while I was totally not. If I look back, i really feel stupid and missed alot of life experiences with regard to sex (I turned down alot of nice girls... wtf did I do this, I don't understand). I got frustrated and continued porn & masturbation until I found myself looking at more and more hardcore stuff and experiencing worse erections. I started having skype fap sessions with girls that I met on the internet (which was nice, but not that fulfulling in the end). I also got frustrated at work, and at people. I started hating the world and most people on it and I started getting panic attacks (wtf was that, I never had one before in my life, and it scared me!). That's when it hit me that not the world or other people had a problem, but me, and that I was the only one who could fix it, and after stumbling on this website, I knew it was the porn & masturbation that was causing all this.

I planned to quit porn & masturbation in the end of 2018, but it was really hard. I got rarely keep up for more than 1 week. The longest run was almost a month. I always relapsed. But now I'm clean for 1 month and I feel like that I finally made the mental click needed to quit p&m for once and for all. Here are my thoughts and tips:

1. Really think about the topic, and I mean really think about what porn is, what masturbation is, what sex is about, etc. What helped me in the beginning is watching the documentaries "After Porn Ends" (there are 3 in total) which gives you an insight about porn through testimonies of ex pornstars (mostly bad experiences but, like any good documentary, also some positive ones). It's quiet a dirty business. It helped me to abstain because I saw pornstars which I masturbated too alot saying they only went and did porn because they had a bad child hood, needed money, were abused in their childhood, and were on drugs while filming their movies.

2. Really think about your brain and how it will trick you alot, believe me. I always relapsed to "reward" myself with p&m after some days of weeks of abstaining. And after a while, I finally told myself and accepted that I indeed have a porn addiction; that was the only way of explaining to myself why I kept relapsing; so be honest with yourself: we do have a problem. Knowing and admitting this was already a big step for me. Sometimes I also relapsed to check of my penis would still work, but it always did. But still I needed to check because I was afraid it died because of the flatlining. Don't fall in that trap. It will still work. Now i think about it like this: i'm giving my penis time to recover from all the years of jerking off. It also has a spiritual dimension to it: to cut yourself loose from the sexual urges; it's a nice goal to try to reach. Testing your will.

3. It's really hard in the beginning to quit. I always watched porn on my laptop (so even when I played games or watched a movie, I would mostly end up watching porn and masturbating). Because I kept relapsing, I decided to no longer use my laptop... I only used my deskop at home (but the room in which my deskop is, is in front of the house with a window, so people can see me sit there; i would not masturbate there) or my desktop at work (also no urge to masturbate there whatsoever). Putting away the laptop was key to me to start quiting porn. I simply took as much "possibilities" away to even start p&m again.

4. Starting NoFap only to not masturbate, didn't work me. I need some bigger motivation, namely completely changing your way of life and trying to be the person you want to be; friendly, compassionate, kind but also physically fit and eating healthy. Nothing less and nothing more. I thought about what I wanted to do with my life, because indeed you will get alot of free time when you stop p & m (and then you notice, which is sad actually but also inspiring, how much freaking time you spend on that stupid shit). I started exercising, going to the gym, running in the forest, going for walks with my dog 2 or 3 times a day, doing volunteer work, reading alot of non-fictional books about stuff that interests me.

I feel much better now. I feel stronger and more mature. And that's what it's really about in my opinion: to become a better person. Focus on that instead of only the p&m. I'm not that grumpy anymore, I don't get that easily dissapointed in people anymore, I have more understanding for others and I care more. It's a really nice thing to go through and I'm comfortable that I will succeed this time: I'll never watch porn or masturbate again in my life.

My goal is to only cum by being with a girl; this isn't even strange, it's nature. And I think it's possible because I also notice that my selfesteem and selfconfidence are much higher, without being arrogant or cocky. I genuinely enjoy talking to girls (and men as well for that matter) while before I tried to avoid random human contact more and more. The only problem that I still have is that I'm in a relationship and I really love my girlfriend and I want to stay with her, but we have like sex 2 or 3 times a year... that's not healthy. So, that's the only thing that's bothering me for the time being... I would have to cheat on her... but I think she already thinks that I'm cheating on her (which I never did; i'm loyal to this day, although you could say i alraedy cheated on her with the girls on skype) and doesn't seem to mind, because she's really asexual I think and understands that I have urges she cannot meet (it's really hard to talk to her about sex so I gave up). I have the "opportunity" to cheat on her with a girl i met on work; she's really nice and we are attracted to eachother; i know she wants to have sex because she keeps inviting me to her apartment but for now I always declined with an excuse (i want at least to wait until i'm clean for 90 days); like always before, I can keep it in my pants quiet easily luckily, but now I'm at the point I no longer want to do that; I want to go for it, i want to enjoy regular sex with a beautiful and nice woman, but my conscience is bothering me (and I'm afraid that I will fall in love with her and leave my girlfriend; should I end my relationship first and only then have sex with the girl from my work?). What would you guys do? I would really like your input on this. Thanks alot. And we have to have faith; it will all work out in the end!