How I've Dealt With Extreme Loneliness

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself, Jun 14, 2020.

  1. As a guy who is isolated, I can tell you it is tough, but it gets easier.

    After my divorce, I moved back to my hometown.

    There was hardly anybody there I knew anymore.

    I did make some friends, but I ended up moving again in less than a year.

    So I came to a brand new town, and started over.

    I came here in Sept. 2018, and I did not know a single person.

    But what I've discovered is that most adults around my age

    who are single, seem to be largely isolated.

    Sometimes I've made random friends by meetup groups,

    playing in bands, or by being a regular at certain businesses.

    But nothing really has changed it to be honest.

    I came to the point where I had to accept that either there weren't

    people available or that I didn't have the social skills anymore

    to make friends.

    What was I to do?

    At first the loneliness was bitter.

    Over time I came to the conclusion that most adults do not spend social time

    with people who do not advance their career or help them make money.

    That is an unfortunate reality about America.

    When I have met people, they are always probing about money,

    in indirect ways.

    But I knew that if I started a friendship or relationship like that,

    it would never revert to the place where there is something

    OUTSIDE of money.

    After this discovery, I decided not to make friends or relationships

    with people who are after money through me.

    I didn't have many friends at that point, and it was scary to go to zero.

    But I felt like I actually was AT ZERO anyway.

    Being back at zero, I kept looking on and off, but started to curtail that much.

    I just couldn't get motivated to hang around with people who only wanted money.

    I began to work on my own more.

    I upped my music, writing more, recording more, practicing more.

    Then I got to the point where it didn't bother me to be alone.

    All I could see were how important the benefits were:

    1. The biggest one is probably having TOTAL control of my time.

    It's one thing when I waste time on something, I can accept

    that because I can change it.

    But when someone else is getting me to do stuff for them,

    and there is little to no benefit, I can't deal with that.

    2. There's no loneliness anymore.

    If I go and hang around with people, but then later,

    seek them, and they aren't there, that's when the loneliness hurts.

    But if I don't have that expectation, and I just live my life,

    that is a whole layer of pain that i do not have to feel,

    and that is a healthy place to be.

    A person can focus on their life plans a lot better that way.

    3. I used to think that if I was lonely, there was something wrong with me.

    Well, there is something wrong with me if I can't be alone.

    The fact is, loneliness happens all the time.

    When am I alone?

    En route to work, on an airplane for hours,

    AT work, in a mall, running errands, at home, and more.

    Being alone is just part of modern life.

    The only time someone gets lonely is if they have an expectation

    that someone should be at X place at X time for me.

    Is that a fair demand to place on someone else?

    It's like playing Russian roulette.

    The loneliness, if I build up ideas around what other people should do

    FOR ME, is inevitable, and when they fail, and they will sooner or later,

    then it only gets worse.

    But there isn't anything wrong with someone who is alone.

    There just isn't.

    Being alone means that you are not with someone else at a given time.

    That's it.

    Maybe you tried to find people and couldn't.

    That still doesn't make me or anybody else some kind of defect.

    Do you know what makes something wrong with you?

    There is something wrong with you if you are worried about

    chasing women or being social,

    but you aren't putting in some sweat on your own goals.

    And that's another problem.

    If i go to a club to hang out with friends,

    they are long on talk,

    short on action.

    Everybody can talk.

    But how many of these people forego the party,

    in order to make their lives happen.

    If you take a poll around here,

    99% of everyone on the street is a musician.

    But of these people, how many either have releases or performances?

    If it came to 1%, I'd feel like you got lucky for it to get that high.

    How many dudes want to stop looking at porn?

    The number is near zero.

    But is there value in that?

    The value is massive, and if you don't believe it, take a simple test.

    Stop looking at porn for two weeks.

    If it's hard, then it usually is valueable.

    It's easy to talk, it's easy to get drunk, to look at porn.

    But who is willing to be alone, to work alone, to suffer alone?

    I'll tell you who:

    Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Larry Ellison, Paul Allen, Steve Jobs,

    Eddie Van Halen, Charles Bukowski, Sting,

    to name a few.

    Sound familiar?

    Success is a lonely and solitary process.

    Accept it, get on a streak, and get to work.
  2. r8js

    r8js Fapstronaut

    Painfull words.....

    Very well written.....
    Nomar likes this.
  3. Reality is painful.

    But thank you for the complement.
    eevahnits and r8js like this.
  4. BreakingBenjamin

    BreakingBenjamin Fapstronaut

    I agree that we all should take action and be responsible and wise about investing our time in our professions, but success it not a lonely road, we are not alone in the world, humans need to learn AND cope, mastering both is success in my opinion.
    Master Chips and dolphingambler like this.
  5. Wouldn't it be nice?
  6. BlueBallsOG

    BlueBallsOG Fapstronaut

    That is the unfortunate reality about the world xD, in europe it isnt much better. People only seem to care about money and their fix.
    eevahnits likes this.
  7. Nice thoroughful post.
    Alone. I am alone in my body. Is that a thing to worry about?
    No expectations, no disappointments.

    It's best to maintain ourselves, do the things we like and maybe we meet other people sharing the same interest.

  8. Chasing other people only creates expectations.
    El Grumch likes this.
  9. Yep, and they either end up jacked up or dead.

    Nobody beats an addiction.
    El Grumch and BlueBallsOG like this.
  10. Why not?
  11. cadia guardsman

    cadia guardsman Fapstronaut

    WesternWolf likes this.
  12. BlueBallsOG

    BlueBallsOG Fapstronaut

    True, we rather learn to live in sobriety, but the addiction never stops.
  13. When a person, by their own definition, becomes an "addict"

    they can't go back to "normalcy" again.

    It's the same with drugs, alcohol, PMO, whatever.

    An addict can't just go into rehab, and come out after 90 days,

    and say, hey I'm cured! Now I can use heroin again!

    Nope, once an addict, always an addict.

    We have 2 choices, which is to recover, or to become a victim of our

    jacked up thinking, and jacked up ways of coping with emotions and problems.
    patato-starch likes this.
  14. You can't talk to people like that on here.

    That is not cool, and the admin will remove you if you repeat it.
  15. But... You're only saying this because you didn't leave your addiction yet.

    Éverybody is dependant on certain things. And have do deal with all kind of things in life.
    The bible learns me that we don't have to do with 'addiction' but we deal with 'sinning against the love of God'.
    And with Him nothing is impossible.

    What you believe will become your reality some day.
  16. My friend, you are missing my point.

    Let me frame it like this:

    Nobody can leave an addiction once they are an addict.

    They can stop using.

    But they are always an addict.

    I personally have not used PMO as my day counter reads.

    But when the day comes if I were to use again,

    then I am back in the decadence and wrongfulness,

    and also, just as trapped as I was before.

    The part of the addict that gets destroyed is never repaired.

    A PMO addict CAN have normal relations with another human.

    A PMO addict CAN NOT expect to return to PMO and use on a casual basis.

    Addicts do not have that power, or self-control.

    But if someone says, "I am not an addict."

    That means that they either aren't an addict,

    or they aren't ready to recover.

    Can you understand it now?
  17. I got your point.
    But I don't agree with you.

    I feel much more normal today then 10 years ago when I still was bound to porn.
    WesternWolf likes this.
  18. What does that have to do with anything?

    If you use pmo again, you will go back to square one.
  19. That is not the truth.
    WesternWolf likes this.
  20. I should say that if I use PMO again,

    I go back to square one.

    But not entirely, I've reaped enormous benefits from these reboots.

    But the problem of coping with life does reset when someone goes

    back to the drug, back to the PMO when they can't deal.

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