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How long have you been single?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BeachDude1992, Sep 27, 2015.

  1. Fooz

    Fooz Guest

    18 months here.
     
  2. theDoctorSmith

    theDoctorSmith Fapstronaut

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    All my life. I have intimacy issues. Refused a couple of women outright. Always thought my hand did a great job. This way I don't have to deal with relationship issues too.

    Now I'm just too scared to ask my crush out.
     
  3. Don Gately

    Don Gately Fapstronaut

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    Time to get up! Way to keep yourself honest man. That's a really good thing. You got this!
     
  4. Don Gately

    Don Gately Fapstronaut

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    You might be surprised how much giving up PMO can help with depression, social anxiety and other related problems. The direction of causation is highly, highly debatable. In other words, we don't actually know if porn causes depression or if depression drives people to porn. If you read a bit on these forums though, you'll realize that there's certainly a connection for many men and giving up porn helps a ton.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-porn-addiction/201111/can-pornography-trigger-depression

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/porn-making-my-social-anxietyconfidencedepressionocd-worse
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. nfprogress

    nfprogress Fapstronaut

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    I am probably looking at about 2-3 years. I have made better career progress in those two year than the whole decade of my 20's.

    Life is much simpler. The five years or so I dated heavily was a lot of fun, but definitely an emotionally charged roller coaster without a lot of career and goal focus.
     
  6. SolidCroft

    SolidCroft Fapstronaut

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    About four years I think, four long years.
     
  7. I just ended a fake relationship, i feel better everyday
     
  8. depo27

    depo27 Fapstronaut

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    I ended my last relationship back in July. But I had already moved to another city last November, so it turned into a fake LDR. So I consider I've been single for almost a year.
     
  9. Eric'sBlue

    Eric'sBlue Fapstronaut

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    For too long, I have been. It's had to have been 5 or 6 years now. ...I've never really had a good, decent relationship either. Reading the stories on here - and my own experience - make me very sad.
    I'm a good looking guy, with a lot to offer but - it seems like no one wants it; seems that way. I'm alone. I've always been alone, and miserable. I have always been a mess, too. I'm sure porn had something to do with it. I also suffer from feelings of depression, depression and anger, loneliness and rage. I generally feel frustrated every day. I'm caught in a very painful bind because, when a female does offer herself to me, I'm too miserable to go after it or I get down and figure, what's the use - I won't measure up. I can't possibly satisfy this female via job, income etc. I just end up feeling ashamed. So I jettison every opportunity.

    I'll probably die alone. I seem to just always exist in this painful position.
    It is a vicious cycle, like most things.

    I also get mad at females. I feel like people on general have degraded. It's really rough. It seems like everyone's in a hurry...and EVERYONES pissed off, all the time - over everything
    . ..Hair trigger reactions reign supreme, Snap Judgements...people don't take the time to get to know eachother...and all of this makes for very infertile ground for just even talking with a girl or...even just socializing/interacting in general.
    It's just a very empty, vacuous, cold society. I don't know what made it that way, what's even more confusing to me is that people seem to "like it" - if you can imagine that. I don't know if they are all just acting, but I suspect a reservoir of pain behind a lot of people, now.

    No one just takes the time. Or if you do...then some asshole comes out of nowhere shoves you out of the way, or some inconsiderate person breaks your silence by interrupting you or .....purposely breaking apart what you have going. People are very rude and inconsiderate now. ..It's like, "If I'm miserable, then you must be miserable." Also, to see somebody else finding, getting something beautiful makes the miserable person unbearable, so they get some pleasure out of throwing rocks at it...if that makes sense.

    It's a very bad society, now.


    Sometimes, I wish I would just die.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2015
  10. Don Gately

    Don Gately Fapstronaut

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    Hey Eric,

    I was going to go write a journal post, but I think you are more important than me getting out my thoughts right now. First off, let me just offer my opinion that there are good things in the world. Being alone stinks, and I know way more about it than I ever wanted to. I have unrealistic expectations for people. I have a hard time making friends. I get along with almost everyone, but in a group of people, such as a team from work or school, I am often the person who somehow didn't know when everyone else would be hanging out and thus never showed up. I still don't know how this happens. Do people just invite themselves out to do things? Are there coordinated networks of things to do that just never get to me? The thing that I suspect is more likely is that people just don't think I'm that fun to be around. It's OK. I'm a little serious and I have uncommon interests in art, music, and all kinds of activities that don't involve drinking. I get it. It would be nice to be invited.

    Nonetheless, I have found that there is a lot of good in the world and many genuine people who want good things for others. I belong to a very social, involved church. That, for me, has been my social mainstay. When I get to a new city (or country, for that matter), I look up the church and I show up on Sunday and I find people that, while often very different from me, are willing to put up with me. I have learned so much about being forgiving and open to other people. I also attend a Mormon 12 step group when I can. It's been a huge help in overcoming my pornography problem.

    No one knows the answers to the mysteries of how women work. I read a book called The Female Brain, by Louann Brizendine, and it was enlightening, but there are still things that are tough to figure out. Try not to get angry. Talk to people. Get rejected a few times and learn how to shrug it off. Life is that way sometimes. Love is work. I've learned over and over that not taking myself too seriously is a wonderful thing.

    I would recommend reading How to Win Friends and Influence People, and maybe the New Testament if it's not against your convictions. What you will start to see is that people are generally a lot more like you than you realize. They stay in their zones. They fear change, and they fear each other a lot more than they need to. In How to Win Friends, he really emphasizes that caring about other people and doing things for them is the way to get them to care about you. It's also a great way to stop thinking about your own problems so much. I don't know how deep your depression is. It could be deep. It sounds a lot like mine. Still, there are ways out. If you can work up the will, go volunteer somewhere. Find a community league for a sport. Go for walks. Read more. Write more. Get some exercise. Maybe ignore everything I'm telling you. Pick one thing to do differently and see if it helps. If it doesn't, try something else. For all our belief in science today, we are often so unwilling to experiment on our own lives.

    Society is going through some growing pains. It will probably get worse. I agree that it is largely cold and vacuous. But most people still get married and have families. There are jobs. People are innovating. Things do happen. I would encourage you to watch less TV and no pornography. Movies, television, and many novels promote a world that is not real, where people are less happy and have less in common than in real life. I've gotten much better at asking the question "is this helping me?" about movies and other entertainment. The real world is more compelling, and more work to find. You might make an appeal to the collective wisdom of NoFap. There are some really cool people here. There's also a big group that is out of their gourd and has no idea what's going on. We can learn from both types, and the attention feels good.

    Don't kill yourself.
     
  11. Don Gately

    Don Gately Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, you're up to 22 days! Freakin' awesome!
     
  12. Eric'sBlue

    Eric'sBlue Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this. Although, I can't say I feel much better...about my situation. I know what you're saying about there being many good things and good people in the world. I've no doubt this is true, in fact. It's nice to think it, isn't it?
    I don't watch much tv or movies anymore. I don't watch any in fact. I mostly gave up porn.
    I don't hang out with much people anymore, either.
    The truth is I've been very lonely since I moved back 15 years ago, and that's a very long time. I used to live overseas in Turkey/Germany. I enjoyed it very much and the culture was very warm, hospitable.
    Here I have done nothing but struggled the whole 15 years I've been back...It's really sad to say that, but - it's true.
    I think I have a lot of adjustments still to make, a lot of negative thoughts to overcome. I struggle here because of the way the culture is/ compared to what I enjoyed and was so used to and felt over there.
    I put together a list of adjectives to describe how it is here, and there.
    Here:

    cold
    -insensitive/empty
    -fighting/alone, independent
    -intimidating/loud/hostile
    -trying to fit into an image/ this is necessary...people strive for..why?
    -left out
    -stress
    -scary
    -rude
    - trying too hard
    -confusing
    -divided
    -trendy
    -acting cool
    -lost
    -inadequate
    -made fun of

    There:
    warm
    simple
    relax
    hospitable
    down to earth
    friendly
    relationships
    natural
    feeling fine/good
    peace

    I just struggle with it a lot. I just gave up for the most part. ..what can you do?
    Sometimes I just don't know. I'm considering getting back out of this country, again; possibly joining the Peace Corps for an opportunity.

    I'm very short on happiness now. I must go to bed, thank you.

     
  13. Batgirl1990

    Batgirl1990 Fapstronaut

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    It's been 8 years for me also, so no your not alone
     
  14. Red Eagle

    Red Eagle Fapstronaut

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    Been single for my whole life too. I'm 22. There are several reasons for it and pmo was certainly one of them as it made girls in real life uninteresting. This spring I met the first girl in my life I was interested in. Not initially, but as I got to know her, I think I fell in love with her. I pretty much forced myself to ask her out. Unfortunately it didn't end well and she didn't talk to me the next day I saw her. I think it was simply because she didn't want to disappoint me. 2 months later I met her again and we talked like it never happened. I think she prefered it that way because it was quite uncomfortable for her.
    But since giving up pmo last fall I had more attention from girls than the whole rest of my life. One girl wanted my number and I gave it to her. I think she was attracted to me. I wasn't attracted to her and was caught up in the whole rebooting process so nothing happened. But I noticed that I got a lot of looks from girls. I look much better now at 22 than I used to. I always looked very young which I think isn't very attractive to women. Most people say I look a few years younger.
     
  15. davee

    davee Fapstronaut

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    I feel exactly the same... It crazy to think about the wasted years.
     
  16. I think about the wasted years a lot. If you think about it too much, it can get you down. But I look at this way: Now that P addiction is over, I know I'm not supposed to look at it because its harmful to the brain and now I learned it and I can pass it on to other people that don't know about porn addiction.
     
  17. Just over four years since ive been physically initimate with a woman. I blame porn, a life focused on Masturbation and preferring a digital existance to a real life experience. Im currently working hard on all 3.
    I actually walked away from a blossoming relationship to focus on a world of shit full of porn masturbation and sex chat... How bad is that :/ but with hindsight I did her a favour. The next relationship I'll entwr ill go in clean of all 3 of my ills... And as for social media... Its the biggest addiction next to porn in the digital universe. Fk that... I want real life connections again.
     
    BeachDude1992 likes this.
  18. Going through a similar same thing here, I haven't been physically intimate with a woman for over 4 years now thanks to social anxiety, I'm trying to find out whether or not the anxiety could be related to my porn and masturbation addiction, I used to be very confident and social as a kid until I became addicted to an online video game, video game which is today probably the cause of my pornography addiction. Women do make eye contact with me and I've had women making the first steps on me but social anxiety has always ruined it for me. Good luck to you!
     
    britaxe likes this.
  19. I am going on 2 years single.I am 23 years old.Sometimes I feel really good when I am single becuase it allows me the chance to grow and mature as a better person.The other side of being single I feel lonely a lot.I would say everything in my life is good right now and all I am missing right now is someone who I can really grow with.My family members always ask me when they see me if I have a girlfriend as yet,that annoys the crap out of me.I dont want to get into the mindframe of being needy or chasing after a girl.I want things to happen naturally.If I see a opportunity that presents itself it will happen but right now that is not my main focus.

    You are not alone there are many other men around the world who are in the same postion as you and I.Just focus on what you want,where you want to go,who you want to be and things will start looking up!
     
    NoBrainer likes this.
  20. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    That sounds familiar. ;)
     

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