How long should I wait to have sex with my wife in reboot?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Narf_44, Nov 4, 2013.

  1. Narf_44

    Narf_44 Fapstronaut

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    I started my reboot one week ago today. Yeah for me, self high 5, and the good kind too :p Quick recap, addicted to porn for 20 years, married for 9 years, experiencing PIED. Told my wife about it all, she's very supportive and said, take as long as you need and I'm fine with what ever you decide to do. I read that during my reboot, I should not have any O's for at least 30 days, which means no sex with my wife too. I was talking to some guys last night at a SAA meeting and they said, I should probably wait 3-6 months, maybe even longer to completely reboot my brain. That freaks me out. I would appreciate some advice from some people who have gone through a reboot that are married and have some legitimate incite on this subject, so if your 22 years old, single, and have gone 30 days without masturbating, great job, but I'm not really interested in your thoughts. No offense.:cool:
     
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  2. Cyrus B

    Cyrus B Fapstronaut

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    I didn't hear about the 30 day rule when I started, I suffer from PIDE (never been able to orgasm from my wife's touch, period) a few days into it, we had sex, nothing happened but she gave me a HJ and I reached O. gave me the encouragement I needed to keep going...

    My advice would be just don't put expectations on it. Don't let it be an Orgasm oriented session, concentrate on being close, and let things happen as they may.

    that would be my advice, but complete abstinence would be effective I'm sure.
     
  3. is this it

    is this it Fapstronaut

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    Another thing to keep in mind (in my experience at least) when trying to reboot an O early on- even in a romantic setting- caused me to trigger. I would find that the next day I was binging on PMO. Like the healthy O caused me to want more and more.
     
  4. Narf_44

    Narf_44 Fapstronaut

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    Man you are so right. Had sex last night with my wife, it was amazing, no ED, never felt better, wasn't fantasizing about anyone else, but today, the next day, I have strong cravings for porn. First time in a week and a half to even have these. I can feel it in my brain though, not my wanker. I will be sitting on the couch and all of a sudden feel anxiety and shortness of breath out of no where..... dammit, should have listened.
     
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  5. JaYBrieL

    JaYBrieL Fapstronaut

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    I think a month or 2 should be fine. Depending on how much sex with a real girl you have had, it sounds like you should be fine with maybe say, 60 days, then slowly introduce sex. Maybe even try Karezza, slow gentle sex without orgasm. I did this a few times and it really helped. If orgasm is not on the menu, there is absolutely no pressure to perform and you can slowly enjoy the sensation and wire up to your wifes touch and body. Hope this helps, if you need more time....just keep going. You will get there and be fine!
     
  6. Narf_44

    Narf_44 Fapstronaut

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    Okay so some of my friends don't understand why I would want to go without sex for a month, because sex with your wife is a good thing...right? So let me explain.
    Prescription drugs in and of them self are no bad, but too much of them is. You wouldn't give a drug addict that is addicted to prescription drugs even a small dosage of prescription drugs during his detox because it will only make him crave more. Just like Sex is a good thing, but give an addict, even a porn addict, some sex, then he's going to want to crave more, and that more usually comes in the form of PMO because that's what he as conditioned his brain to do.
    Over time, a drug addict can take normal amounts of prescription drugs and be fine, just like I will be able to have sex once again in a normal and healthy way.
     
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  7. DickoryDoc

    DickoryDoc Fapstronaut

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    Well, I'd fuck her brains out left right and center. You can never get too much of REAL sex (if both people are consenting). That's what is supposed to get you away from the porn fantasy and into real life.
    Maybe reactions are strong when you first step out of fantasy-land but I'm sure it will normalize.
     
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  8. Narf_44

    Narf_44 Fapstronaut

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    Your not understanding, when I have sex, I want to go PMO, not more sex, that's the problem. Also experiencing PIED, and everything says to let your body recuperate from to many PMO and too much feel good brain drugs.
     
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  9. DickoryDoc

    DickoryDoc Fapstronaut

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    Do you mean, is it WHILE you have sex with her you think of PMO (run porn scenarios in your mind) or is it afterwards that you get triggered a lot for PMO?

    If it is afterwards, can you not redirect that urge into more real sex again? Or...?

    I just don't think it is a good idea resisting hard all the time anything sexual.

    The scenario you are moving towards, ultimately, is more (good and emotionally healthy) sex with your wife.

    When you say sex was/is amazing with her, how would you rate that in terms of A) intenseness/"sexyness" and B) connectedness?

    In my experience, when I get "a lot" but there is no real connection, the "a lot" still just becomes a substitute. I want more and more (and maybe I make it more and more intense, kinky or whatever) but it never fulfills me.
    In such cases I find myself trying to "improve" the situation with "quantity" (how much and how intense is it) instead of "quality" (human connection in it). And that's the wrong way to go. It's a downward spiral.

    (And this is also the way I had gotten into more and more intense PMO. Intense and kinky and with lots of novelty to keep it interesting. But no connection of course).
     
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  10. Narf_44

    Narf_44 Fapstronaut

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    Yes While I used to have sex I would fantasize about P I had seen, which just makes sex less of a connection and boring, unless like you said, I would raise the kinkiness of the sex. I had sex twice this week and I think because of not looking at P all week, I was horny as hell. As far as intense, I would say 8, connected I would say 9, so yeah, pretty good! We both decided to "reconnect" on thanksgiving. It's not forever, but from addicts that I meet at an SAA meeting, that have been clean for over a year, they all said 30 is a good thing to do, maybe more. We will see. I think I am going to "TRY" to slowly work back into sex, to make it more about the connection, rather than just the big "O"
     
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  11. DickoryDoc

    DickoryDoc Fapstronaut

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    Got it.
    Have you thought about this thing about "only cuddling and caressing and looking at each other" thing?
    Couples restoring their sex life (the connection in it) are often advised to do this.
    Your situation is not quite the same but maybe it could be worthwhile trying.
     
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  12. Narf_44

    Narf_44 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, that's was we are doing, Learning out to make out again, and me caressing her, but she isn't allowed to touch me for only two more weeks.
    I do feel MUCH more connected with her already. We had a great time making out last night and I didn't even have any porn images show up in my head.
    How ever, that night I had a VIVID sex dream with an old high school friend (not girl friend, just friend)
    WTH, at least my brain could have picked a hotter friend than her if I'm going to have a weird sex dream LOL
     
  13. chriv

    chriv Fapstronaut

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    It's called the chaser effect
     
  14. Cody Kooyenga

    Cody Kooyenga Fapstronaut

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    Quick question for everyone on this thread. I just relapsed after a 12 day streak. Fiance wants sex in 14 days. To soon? I have strong libido though, always a morning erections and no Porn cravings at all. I only want her and her body. Also on libido medication to increase blood flow down there. Is it still to soon though? Just like some opinions
     
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  15. Francymac

    Francymac Fapstronaut

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    Myself and my partner are currently going 90 days without me Oing. I am on day 45 and we have had sex a few times but I have not Oed. I also occasionally attend SAA meetings and have not yet asked what the long term sober few waited before Oing with their wives/partners and I feel like 90 days should be sufficient. For me I feel like it could be more important to re-connect and not think about O as a reward after a time of abstinence but as a moment of connection with your partner. Make a disconnect from the idea of PMO where during O there is no human contact at all. Re-wire the brain to enjoy O as a part of intimacy and love. Make it something nourishing as opposed to something draining. But I feel for me personally I will try to practice more Karezza and less O in general as I feel it will reconnect me and my partner in a way like never before. I have a book called "Cupids Poisoned Arrow" which offers a very interesting take on Orgasm in general.
     
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  16. Reboot Partner

    Reboot Partner New Fapstronaut

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    Hi Everyone. I am trying to see from everyone's experiences what to expect from my partner and how to support him. He masterbaited in front of me about a week ago but no porn. Should we say that is his reboot starting point? Counselor says 90 day reboot. No porn, masterbation or sex with me. What can be done around intimacy? How can I help him to be transparent with me if he has a setback? This is really hard for me as I am very sexual and attracted to him physically. Help!!!
     
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  17. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    I realize i may be asking this question outta line here and i am not trying to hi-jack the thread but you seem to have great suggestions for one another.

    My husband is a PA and also experiences the chaser effect so we are eliminating him PMOing all together for 90 days.
    He's still allowed to "please" me though.
    However sometimes After "pleasing me", he also will want to look at Psubs (chaser effect). Is this common among you?
     
  18. SupportiveSpouse

    SupportiveSpouse Fapstronaut

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    Interested in feedback of Rebooters on this subject also. My husband is contemplating a reboot, but he isn't sure what is ok during this abstinence. Is it abstaining from all porn, masturbation, and sex with me? Or if we have a healthy, intimate sex life and he can O with me without thinking of porn, is sex between us still ok during the reboot? I'm inclined to say it's not, as that period of time is needed to rewire the way his brain's reward system reacts to all things sexual. Curious for feedback.
     
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  19. BBWolf000

    BBWolf000 Fapstronaut

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    Hello!

    Stronger urges to O coming after sex with your SO? Totally normal and definitely a part of a reboot. There are 2 sides to this dilemma. On one hand, yes it is much better for you to be intimate with your SO rather than to go the PMO route. On the other hand, your brain most likely isn't ready to take a healthy position on your sexual desires, so is it really a good idea for you to be intimate right now?

    Getting rid of Porn and Masturbation are the most important things, IMO, to addressing your intimacy issues. If you can commit to avoiding those NO MATTER WHAT then the occasional romp with your SO isn't going to send you back to square one progress wise. Things that might do that are:

    -Multiple O's in quick succession (5 O's in 3 days etc)
    -Edging with or without Porn
    -Bingeing after a relapse

    Its a tough journey and being in a relationship where you have to factor in both yours and your partners needs makes it that much more complicated. Just know that it takes time to heal. There will be many times after sex that you feel weak, hopeless and discouraged from continuing your reboot. Just ride them out... If the day after is hard, know that the one following will be easier and so on. At the beginning of my reboot it took me up to 7-10 days to feel in control and happy again after sex with my wife. At this point, the urges to act out sexually disappear after 1-2 days max, and when they are present, I feel so much more in control. It's worth the effort.

    You are in a tough spot currently, but it will get better. Don't stop. Don't give up on yourself or your wife.

    and smile; you can do it!
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
  20. TQ89

    TQ89 Fapstronaut

    Hi,
    Has anybody here recovered fully and go back to enjoying normal sex with his wife. Any feedback here would be appreciated as am in the same boat.
     
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