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How many of you initially started by fantasizing about relationships? (and crushing on girls)

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by ultrafabber, Nov 7, 2018.

Did you have extensive romantic fantasies as a child/teenager?

  1. No/Very rarely.

    1 vote(s)
    4.3%
  2. I had romantic fantasies but i rarely indulged in them, i was focused on real relationships

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. I had romantic fantasies and i indulged in them but i was also focused on real relationships

    1 vote(s)
    4.3%
  4. I had romantic fantasies in which i indulged and i lacked real relationships

    21 vote(s)
    91.3%
  1. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    I mean at a younger age when you didn't necessarily involve sexual fantasy/masturbation, but more like romance and "crushing" on girls - that is complex fantasies that you indulged in repeatedly and for a significant amount of time. (and also not acting on it by actually asking the girl out)

    Also i'd appreciate it if you can describe if your interactions with girls/women usually went the "platonic" route and even going as far as denying any actual romantic/sexual interest.

    Not the greatest of polls, but i wanted to catch two aspects: involvement in fantasies and disconnection from real world.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2018
  2. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    Of course! I was under the impression that literally everyone did that, whether or not they later ended up addicted to porn. I definitely started having crushes on girls long before anyone in my age group was starting to have relationships - not even the grade school "relationships," where two kids are "going out" even though they never go anywhere and are too nervous even to hold hands or talk to each other. In my case, I continued having crushes on girls, as opposed to dating or really interacting with them in a non-platonic way, until long after a lot of my peers started having sex, but I don't know if that's related to the question.
     
  3. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    Yes, that is definitely related to the question. I am interested in this disconnection from real relationships and indulging in fantasies. I also had a strong tendency to keep female interactions to strictly platonic. And viewed interactions with girls dirty or wrong. If I saw other guys kissing or touching girls i'd be revolted and just instantly think she is not "respected".

    I don't think everybody fantasizes about relationship but in any case the extent to which it happens is very important. I am certain that choosing (or rather accepting) romantic fantasizing over real relationships is abnormal and unhealthy but a prerequisite for pmo/sex fantasizing behavior and addiction
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2018
  4. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    I think you might be making some assumptions about what is the cause and what is the effect. I never chose to have crushes instead of relationships - I would have loved to have relationships, but I had no idea how to interact with girls. I didn't understand how body language worked, so I didn't know if someone was flirting with me, or how to flirt back. Also, I was a rather odd child, which was apparently not what most girls were looking for at that age. And by "that age," I mean roughly 5th through 12th grade, when other kids were going from hand-holding to dry-humping to sex, while I was going from childhood crushes to furtive masturbation. But it was only because of my repeated failures to engage with real girls that I retreated into fantasy and, eventually, porn.
     
  5. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    It was a combination of poor choice of words and a belief that with sufficient help/effort we could've chosen another path.

    I am not so certain about which came first - the fantasizing or poor skills, as both go way back into early childhood. I have a hunch it started with an incapacity of integrating opposite sex relationships (not just sexuality but romance as well). Or an exaggerated version or romanticism combined with platonicism. If there's one thing i am certain of is my emphasis on platonicism from a young age.

    But i think we should not throw away the possibility that social skills underdeveloped because fantasy is the path of least resistance.
     
  6. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    OK, what do you mean by platonicism, and how young of an age are you talking about?

    I'm cool with not throwing away any possibilities. However, there are definitely other factors to consider. It would be one thing if everyone came into the arena with the same basic neurology. But we don't. For example, I have what is currently called high-functioning autism, and though the name changes every few years, the symptoms stay the same. And one of most noticeable ones is markedly underdeveloped social skills. So, at least in my case, I'm going to say that the underdevelopment came first, and led to the fantasy. Or at least, led to more fantasy than my peers who were off having sex with each other. But I'm sure they all got some amount of fantasy in - I don't think anyone is immune to fantasy, no matter how much sex they are getting.
     
  7. Are we talking about maladaptive daydreaming here? Because I think I've had this problem my whole life. I remember my fourth grade teacher always calling me space cadet because I was always staring out the window and thinking about other shit during class. As I became older and more interested in girls, this transitioned into daydreaming about being this perfect guy that they would fall head over heels for, and being in these imaginary relationships with girls that I'd never even spoken to in some cases. I was always a shy kid, but it became much worse once I was in junior high and high school. That's when the fantasizing became more of a problem as I found myself lagging behind my peers when it came to talking to girls and dating. I struggled with this for a long time and still find myself slipping into a daydream. It's gotten better though as I'm old now and I really don't get crushes anymore. Did all this lead to a porn addiction? Probably. I'm sure it's not healthy to spend so much time inside your head or staring at pixels. I was never diagnosed with a mental disorder because I never bothered to get a professional opinion, but if I had to guess, I'd say that there's something going on in my head that is far from normal.
     
  8. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    By platonicism I mean i'd separate intimacy and physical attraction from closeness and friendship. Basically i would find it appalling almost to show real interest (romantic/sexual) to a girl and i'd go out of my way to look like i'm not interested in anything but friendship even though i wanted more and fantasized about much more.

    This is spot on. Fantasy is something that permeated most of my life, but was most obvious and intrusive/compulsive in regards to relationships with girls/women. i think maladaptive daydreaming is a foundation for porn/sex fantasizing/masturbation addiction.

    Did you also have the platonic switch I described? In that you tried to make it seem like you are not interested in an actual relationship but you actually were?

    To sum up all this post, I grew up feeling i have to instinctively hide my attraction and interest to girls/women. Which in turn appears to have manifested/erupted/spilled over in fantasy (romantic and sexual)
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2018
  9. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    Oh, I definitely did that - putting myself in the "friend zone" because it seemed like a safer route to spending time with girls I liked. But continuing to have a crush on them, and fantasizing about the friendship turning romantic, even though that was never going to happen.
    Turns out girls actually hate that - it's just another form of dishonesty. Which is one of the reasons it never works.
     
    ultrafabber likes this.
  10. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    Well, yes, it's a form of dishonesty. I wouldn't like it if a girl did that on me either. The whole thing seems so pointless and uselessly complicated but i still did it. What is even weirder is that even when I actually had sex I was actually trying to not show genuine interest but to fake it. I used to go to escorts and even there i couldn't show attraction, even if i did have sex. I just faked it. Needless to say i had huge issues with eye contact during sex (i had bad eye contact regardless). Same thing with ex-gf. Just constantly hide real attraction. Not just sex but interest in the opposite sex altogether.

    What makes things even sadder/weirder is that i used to obsess that no girl is actually interested or attracted to me. Probably i was just projecting on them.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2018
  11. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    Really? Interesting. Lack of eye-contact is like the most classic sign of Asperger's.

    Yeah, I totally pretended not to be interested in girls, as a way to explain why I wasn't with any girls. Until 7th grade, when I found out what "gay" meant, and got nervous other kids might think I was, unless I was clearly into at least one girl. So I made a big show of having a crush on one particular girl, but then wouldn't follow up and ask her out. I did actually like her, and had all sorts of fantasies about her, but was way too scared of intimacy - even middle school intimacy, holding hands or whatever - to try to have a relationship. Even after being told explicitly by one of her friends that she'd say yes if I asked. Because, just like you, I couldn't imagine any girl being interested in me. Which is weird, because I was really good at math, and basic statistics should tell you that if there are about the same number of boys and girls in a school, and they've all got hormones hitting them at about the same time, it's really unlikely that anyone will be totally unattractive to every single member of the opposite sex. But it's so much easier to just accept that you're hideous than deal with all the anxiety of optimism.
     
  12. I most certainly did. I think for me it was more of a fear of being found out. Like what if this person knew of everything I had conjured up in my mind about them. I was ashamed for always escaping to this secret world. Til this day I wonder why this all started with me and all I can think of is that when I was in elementary school, I had a relative that was a teacher there. He would always tease me about this girl in my class and how he would see us smooching under the table and I'd get so pissed and red in the face because obviously it didn't happen and I was never really interested in the girl, but he was relentless about it and took it beyond playful teasing just to get me going. I wonder if this somehow made me associate showing any interest in females with shame. Who knows, I always try to self analyze back as far as I can go to see if I can find some clues as to what contributed to my personality issues.
     
  13. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    I was just thinking about something, i think it's all a projection and we were protecting ourselves. In my case i think i found the whole intimacy/kissing/sex thing disgusting and i found a way to throw the blame on them. I distinctly remember when I first saw some boobs that I was extremely ashamed and uncomfortable with the feeling and later, when i saw some cats going at it i was actually hitting the cat to stop. Then, in 5th grade or so a colleague was talking about semen and mating and i had no idea about it and found it awfully wrong. The whole act of mating seemed very off to me. Then, at school, i'd consider all the boys hitting on girls disgusting also.

    I had that as well, in 4th grade i was in an school play with a girl that I was supposed to kiss on her cheek or something and kids made fun of me. I did my best to show i'm not interested even if i did like her. It was even more difficult because i had to kiss her in front of all the audience (parents etc).
     
  14. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I definitely agree about protecting ourselves. My early childhood was a little different from yours, in that I learned about the biology aspect around age 3 - my mom was in midwifery school and instead of normal bedtime stories would just tell me about anatomy ("Tonight you're going to hear the Wonderful Story of the Urinary System" - actual words). So by the time I got to grade school, I knew it all; I was that kid who went around telling the other kids what a vagina is, and exactly what it's for.

    It wasn't until middle school, when other kids started getting interested in girls, that I started acting more like what you describe. The summer between 5th & 6th grade, I went to a coed camp for kids up to age 16, and I saw a lot of shit that I'd only read ever about. It totally freaked me out. Then I got back to school, and my peers were all changing - they all started liking each other, and slow dancing at parties, etc. And I was still looking up words in the encyclopedia - especially volume "V." I didn't start masturbating until 8th grade, but I loved reading about vulvas.

    So yeah, I thought all that flirting stuff was icky. Also fascinating, but I didn't tell anyone that. Instead I acted like I had better things to do than worry about girls.
     
  15. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    This is very interesting and this split between uncomfortable sexuality and fantasizing seems to be very common in people with PMO issues. I find the poll results very telling. Pretty much everybody lacked real relationships and indulged in fantasizing.
     
  16. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    @Actaeon one more question if it's possible. What used to be and are your thoughts on semen. I think i initially felt very grossed out when i found out about it. I think i still have issues accepting my own semen if that makes sense. Let alone have it on/in women. It's like my mind goes into blue screen.
     
  17. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    Oh, it's absolutely disgusting. If there were an easy way to make my prostate gland shut down, but still have orgasms, I'd do it in a heartbeat. It has always annoyed me to no end that every porn video insists on having hideous whitish fluid going everywhere, as if that were the most important part. I keep trying to learn that Tantric technique of non-ejaculatory orgasm, but it turns out it's actually pretty difficult and takes a lot of self-control. Which has not been a strong suit of mine, historically.
     
  18. YeetBoi21

    YeetBoi21 Fapstronaut

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    I thought I was the only one that did this
    Glad to know I’m not

    I want to stop but just can’t

    Is this bad?
     
  19. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    I'm curious why do you think that is? I have relatively the same reaction - grossed/repulsed by semen and my own drive/masculinity but not grossed at all by any female stuff.

    I don't want to do Tantric stuff, i want to ejaculate with no worries with a woman.
     
  20. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    I think it's worse than we are used to think it is, as it's all a substitute for real relationships and we're basically training ourselves to be self-sufficient while lonely.
     

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