How many relapses are normal? or okay?

Alan Collins,

First off, congratulations on making the decision to change! Although I am not an addict rather the wife if an addict, I would say there is no normal. Some people probably relapse more than others. My husband would make the decision to stop on and off for over 20 years an one day- he had enough. He put his foot down and said NO MORE! He is 98 days now . If you put your mind to it, you can do it! You already went 14 days- that is a big deal- celebrate that, kick yourself one good time for the relapse and move on. This is possible and we believe in you. Good luck!

 

Reading your headline itself, it's a pretty dangerous question to ask. It's as if you're asking, "how many times can I relapse before I start getting serious about this?"

But reading your post, you answered your own question:

I've heard from guys who've recovered that say they had many setbacks before they got on the straight and narrow path. But, in the end, you are your own man. You ultimately decide how fast you recover.

 

I once kept a record of my streaks and relapses. I finally deleted it when it filled 2 pages of a word document and must have numbed around 200 total incidents. Like you I found that some of my best streaks were early on but after a while I got disheartened by all my slips and could hardly make it 2 days with out a relapes. However back then I did not have the right mindset and thought that beating Porn addiction was all about will power and more over that when I felt an urge it was me wanting to look at porn or erotica when it fact it was my mind craving another hit of dopamine. Once I started watching the classic Tedx talks about the science of porn addition and Mark's Sacred Sexuality Project I was able to better understand how to approach my recovery and how to learn from my slips rather then just letting them drag me down. It sounds like you are already on the right track by trying to use your slips to better prepare your self for the next clean streak. Recovery is a journey over unsteady ground so there will be slips along the way but those are just minor bumps in the road and you will be able to achieve your goals. The best advice I can give is watch the Sacred Sexuality Project connect with people here on Nofap and let them hold you up when you feel down. And finally try to not be to hard on your self and know that you are not failing, simply working toward your dreams.
Like they say "Thomas Edison tried and failed nearly 2000 times to develop the carbonized cotton thread filiment for the incandescent light bulb. When asked about it, he said, 'I didn't fail. I found out 2000 ways how not to make a light bulb.' But he only needed to find one way to make it work." So Learn from your slips but do not let the regret of having them hang over your head.



Love this song because it reminds me to live in the moment and regret a little less and hope a little more.

 

No one really reaches a certain amount of relapses, the number varies. I myself have probably had over 100 relapses in my life. The important thing is to not get disheartened, but instead get up, dust yourself off, and push on through. I heard somewhere that the key to success is getting up one more time than you fall down. Best of luck to you

 

Hello Alan (love your avatar by the way).

I'd echo what has been said above. I'd add - and I'm no triple-figure warrior, it's early days for me too - that my abstinences did start to have a cumulative effect and to build something stronger. Relapse is never good and we shouldn't accept it if we can at all avoid it. You're right though, we need to learn. That's not quite enough though, we need to learn and take action on what we learn. There's no point in knowing that being bored and having work deadlines makes me relapse if I don't start to fill my time more productively and tackle work projects as soon as I get them - that's the hard part, but the part that will make a difference.

There's been a good deal of discusssion on the 40+ threads about relapse being a decision we make long before it actually happens. I've seen it to be true of my own relapses, so I'm trying to spot and stop those bad decisions as soon as I see them.

Keep positive; try to keep doing the things that you want to be in your new porn-free life; try to build towards something better and to fill your time with better things. It doesn't have to be massive, but keep doing small, positive things and making small, positive changes as much as you can.

Those above who say "educate yourself" about the addiction are very right too, I think. It helps to know what to expect and to understand that when your brain is screaming out for you to indulge it's because it's craving the dopamine you've been flooding it with, and that in time that chemical inbalance will start to normalise and the cravings will pass.

Don't beat yourself up when you relapse - if you say you're "worthless", "a failure" and the like you might come to believe that - but don't let yourself off either, ask what you did wrong and why you did it and you might be able to deal with it better next time.

This video is from an alcohol and other drugs addiction perspective but it probably holds true for us too. I've found it useful and so have some others.



For what it's worth, I'm a recovering alcoholic and I've found not relapsing on that easier by orders of magnitude than staying off porn.

This is a great thread, thank you for starting it, Alan. Maybe today will be the day that you start on your relapse-free future.

Strength and peace to you friend and to us all. Keep supporting each other!

 

Trust me, LOTS.

It is indeed a hard pill to swallow, though from my experience, this may well be the case. This video covers it quite well. All the best bro.

 

I did the 90 days once, probably reached a 100 with no porn, and now I'm already through 2 months on my second try. When I was serious about it, no relapses. Not a single one of them. If I PMO, then I PMO, doesn't matter how often. Once a week or twice a day, doesn't matter. But if I'm not doing it, then I'm not doing it. Because I decided that I will not do it.

Sacred Sexuality Project helped a lot, so I can recommend it wholeheartedly. As for your question: none. Not a single relapse is normal, or okay. Sorry guys, someone had to say it.

 

None. This is my first streak.


That being said, mind you, it is my first streak on NoFap. Relapses I had before I found this place - countless. Hundreds. Thousands. But when I watched the TEDx video, came here and saw how this place works, I realized that these were the tools I needed to get to the next stage. I had an AP in real life before a few years back, which got me to 28 days, but after both of us had relapsed a few times, the effect of accountability weaned and we soon quit. With this experience in mind, I knew I had to make the most of my first try - the tools don't get any better the second time.

I'd recommend not counting streaks. There is only one thing that counts - TODAY. Be willing to sacrifice your dopamine high (good) today for a day without PMO (better). Be willing to waive your private entertainment (good) for a day without secrets (better). Be willing to sacrifice indulging in your favorite pastime (good) for giving your brain a day to heal and rewire (better). I have been making that choice for over 90 days now. It becomes more natural over time, but I still have to consciously make it. Especially when confronted with triggers. I know it's weird to call PMO good, and it essentially is bad, but to my addict mind, it looks good. Only I have chosen to go for better.

 

I had a counter on my phone once and It got me up to 5 months. Buy the very sight of all those times that were recorded reminded me of the forsakingly good and forsakingly bad and i would act out. The counter thing helps a little at first for me but then j don't think i need it anymore at least for a year or two..i agree all that matters is today.this minute.the next ten minutes.this hour.this day.then maybe this week this month this year etc. We can become a better person everyday but we must stay strong

 

None. Only O's through partner

 

No rules . People are different in everything and PMO is not an exception. The less relapses the better of course.

 

Okay, I understand better, thanks for clarifying. But you know, it doesn't really matter how much other people relapse. We are not the same, so we each have to figure out the best way for us to overcome. Thing is, if you relapse, you did something wrong, or something could be done better. But what was it and how can you fix it? That's up to you to figure out.
If you are doing the same thing over and over again, but you expect different results, you're just fooling yourself. Also I really don't think that quitting is about a certain technique. You know, some people use software protection, others replace their computers to a visible spot, etc.

I think you have to find a good enough reason for yourself, why you want to quit. Or more precisely: why you HAVE TO quit. Anything less than that will not be enough. "Why should I quit?" will not do it. "What would I gain if I'd quit?" is not enough as well. It has to be a MUST. Very-very few people have a good enough reason, even here. But that's obvious if you look at the counters.

Why did I do it the first time? Because I had difficulities having feelings for real people and that scared the ever living fuck out of me. Because I learned that porn can dull your senses to the real world. I was single that time, but wanted a gf very badly. I PMO-d to relieve the loneliness but then the idea came that PMO maybe effectively preventing me from getting a gf or feelings...damn, that shit was scary.

Why do I do now? Because I honestly believe that God has a better plan for us, than PMO. He designed us for marriage and sexual relationship with real people, not pixels and imagination. Plus, I promised my gf that I will restrain myself, and give myself to her completely after we get married. Plus my life is really fast and I need the extra energy.

So my two advices are:
-Find your reason. Take your time, take it seriously.
-Find an AP in real life, possibly from the opposing sex who never had problems with PMO, but sensitive enough to listen to you. Someone you trust and someone who cares for you.

Good luck.

 

i would avoid MOing all together unless the O's are with a partner


M + O will often lead to fantasy, which leads to porn for those who are recovering addicts.



We are addicts..... and chances are that next nut might need extra stimulation, and motive.......


The best way of going about his quiting all together untill you find a special someone.

 

Agreed.

 

Though I am not a three digit warrior, YET, I did just make it to 60 days of no PMO, which I am proud of.
Get a spreadsheet, funny enough, I just made a post in my journal that highlights this very notion for me!
I would right out my thoughts on here, but I just spent like 15 minutes writing my journal post. If you care to read it, it is linked in my thread below.
(I think you'd fine it relevant to your question)

In a short answer. As far as relapses go, aim for progress. Progress is better then nothing. I MO'd a total of 10 times last month, March. Right now, I'm on track for 7 MO's and 1 PMO on this month, April. To think of a a year ago though, undocumented, I was probably PMOing like 25+ times a month. Baby steps.

Though I PMO'd once this month, honestly, it's not the end of the world. I've so far managed to mark it down and move on. My goal for next month, will be to obviously not PMO, but also reduce the frequency to which I MO.

Today, I've had a bit of a slap in the face. After looking at my spreadsheet and past journal entries, I realize I have a choice to do something differently today.

I'd be happy to send you a link to the spread sheet I use if you are interested in getting one yourself. Also, my spreadsheet is in my sig below if you care to take a gander.
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Hardly do you see a constant linear climb in the process. Expect bumps in the road. And interestedly, my best streak was also my first as far as that 60 day run was concerned. I kicked it off by going 15 days on hard mode, before I MO'd. I then went on to periodically MO never making it more than a 5 or 6 days, usually less.

This current new run, I made it a week on hard mode. Not as good as my previous attempt, but hey, gotta just re-aim and refocus.

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My apologies for the pedanticness of this post. I hope it helps though. Also, it's awesome to hear you coming from an angle that shows you recognize this is for the long term and that you will be up and down.

Right now, I'm working on getting back up on my feet faster when I do fall. It's a learning process man. You'll be killing it in no time. It's incremental, tough, and takes time. Lots of time.

Best, again, sorry for the lengthyness,

Sir F