how much pain and suffering...gonna stop this?

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by charlie81, Oct 17, 2017.

  1. charlie81

    charlie81 Fapstronaut

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    Hello everybody,
    I discovered this community few days ago and decided to be an active part of it.
    I'm 30andsomething and i just realized i lived the last decade like i wasnt awake.
    In the last few years it was an escalation of time spent on the internet watching porn or camming. nights spent awake till 3-4am just waiting for new girls to interact with on cam, always reaching for more hard core porn beacuase eventually just watching cams or normal porn wasnt enough to me.
    Outside I'm the good boy, no trasgression, calm, shy, reliable. I feel like i live in a big lie.
    My girlfriends in all this time never had the idea about what was going on.
    But this dependence obviously affected my relationships : I'm always seeking for time and nights where i can be by myself to enjoy my "passion" and this behaviour seem strange to others. I feel like I'm sneaky.
    Same for the hobbies: no real hobbies i can focus on, because my focus goes on sexual satisfaction.
    And I messed up my university studies as well...procrastinating exams just because was spending entire days on porn and cam sites.
    There were periods i was able to stop masturbating etc also for 1month but was long long time ago. I realized that the easiest times without all this shit, were the times i was surrounded by friends, people, things to do...like during travels holidays etc.
    So I'm aware is not gonna be easy, and i think that commitment is a first important step to start this hard long walk. Another step will be making my life full of valuable things and people. Loneliness and empty days are the first enemy to our fight.
    In the last few months I started again my studies, so I just have to find the strength to focus on that without messing up everything again. My purpose is to stay alone as little as i can, to be involved in new things and experiences, studying hard and when alone and with the urges to watch porn...i better go for a walk!
    Ok, above all I'm a positive guy and I believe that with will and persistence sky is the only limit. and if it woulnd't be enough to win this fight lets do it "with a little help from my friends". Hope you are gonna be those friends in this hard walk
     
    onmyway likes this.
  2. onmyway

    onmyway Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to nofap!

    Some things you put down made me think of my own porn career. When I was at the university several years ago I was often triggered heavily because studying was so boring and porn in short term was so much fun. That’s why at a certain point I only studied on my own in the library of the university. There the urges or at least the possibilities of watching P were not the same as at home where porn was sometimes omnipresent for me.

    Wish you all the best for your journey! I hope that nofap is the big help for you like it was for me!
     
  3. charlie81

    charlie81 Fapstronaut

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    thank you for the suggestion! really a good idea...btw i think i have to make my life more regular, routines and rules could help in this time of change (i.e. waking up early and going to sleep not too late etc). i think i'll start my journal to keep me even more motivated and to get more suggestion, ideas, help, and to help clear my mind sometimes.
     
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  4. onmyway

    onmyway Fapstronaut

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    A journal for sure is very helpful! I suppose it's one of the most essential aspects regarding the whole nofap approach.

    Routines in daily life can be very helpful as well. Do you have people with whom you can study in the university together? I had sometimes other students that studied with me in same library. Everybody studied for himself, but we had lunch together and so on. Being home and being alone are not favorable conditions when one wants to get away from an addiction.
     
  5. charlie81

    charlie81 Fapstronaut

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    well,thank you again for sharing your experience and ideas! i will figure out the way to be not alone often. right now I'm having hard times with my gf as well, continuous discussions, no sex in the last month(mostly bc i refused) so I suppose I have a lot to work on.
    Just I think that we really dont match as i wish (too many differences and different backgrounds) and also she's not my ideal girl on a physical point of view. on the other hand, she's really open sexually( I think she's into porn too, just typing on google on her phone appeared some porn as suggestion, but is like a taboo topic so we never discussed it, probably bc she looks at me like the good guy who barely M and that makes me feel even more guilty and bad and like living a big lie). Fact is that after 2 years relationship where she was the one asking more for sex, in the last month we arrived to complete no sex. I feel bad because I know that all this time i was watching cams and camming w/others and watching P and meanwhile I made her feel inadequate or not beautiful enough, not desired, and like she has something wrong while I'm the one really messed up.
    e.g. few months ago she had to live in another country for 3 months and we had video call sex and was the time I enjoyed it most. I realize I'm too used to this kind of sexual/virtual approach to sex that is so unhealthy. Later we had a couple of months of living together and was awful, like i couldnt wait her to go to work so i could be alone and instead of studying just giving space to my addiction and then when she was coming back home i felt nervous and irritable and controlled bc I didnt feel free to do what i wanted to, and its really silly bc I had a real girl in the other room and I kinda ignored her and when she was not there I enjoyed P. I'm aware that P is not the only problem in this relationship, so I have to figure also other things about being with this girl . So seems there's a looot to do.
     
    onmyway likes this.
  6. onmyway

    onmyway Fapstronaut

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    Once again your post reminds me of my own story.

    The problem in a case like this is – it is very difficult to determine the exact reasons and to distinguish them. I often asked myself as well, do I look at porn because I’m not that happy with my gf (now wife) or am I not happy with my gf because I watch too much porn? Then there are one’s own issues, the issues of the gf and so on. It seemed to me often like the so called Gordian knot.

    I’d like to tell you that after several weeks or months of nofap things get clear, but I unfortunately cannot. There are still many questions in my mind. But I think I have at least gained some clarity.

    Since I do nofap and no more PM my own drive to have sex with my wife got stronger. There is still the wish to be in contact with other women – in my case escort girls instead of cam girls. But here again…things got better for me with nofap, not completely, but at least a bit.

    The urge to watch porn at home and to long for the moment when my wife gets out of the flat are dead. And that’s already a great thing. Some months ago I sometimes watched porn on the toilet since this was the only place in our flat where I could really be on my own. But looking back…that was crazy. :confused:

    In general I think today that I have problems to open myself to my wife emotionally. On the one hand I think that’s also because of her. We argue a lot, she can be really aggressive. So wouldn’t it be stupid to open my heart to somebody who hurt me? On the other hand I know that the feeling of being hurt and rejected by a woman in me is much older than the relationship with my wife. It probably was already there when I was a baby and my mother couldn’t really give me what I needed. So this inner conflict between longing for the warmth of a woman and the need to protect oneself because one could be hurt exists also without my wife. Or in other words, it probably would exist with any other women I’d be together with.

    I don’t know if these thoughts fit to your story. Nofap is not the holy cure of course. Nevertheless it can help a lot and I really recommend you to take it seriously.

    And regarding the sex with your gf – maybe just give it a try. Even if you’re not in the perfect mood to get in touch with her, do it. Give her a massage or s.th. like that. Sometimes the appetite comes with eating. That’s a German proverb. I once downloaded a hypnosis file that installed some triggers to consider the own gf attractive again. Generally I don’t like hypnosis that much. But the effect in this case was great. And the thing is…watching porn or doing cam sex with other women is kind of a hypnosis as well.
     
  7. charlie81

    charlie81 Fapstronaut

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    probably I have the same desire and need to have contact with other girls. For long time i've found myself having fantasies about escorts or body-tantra massages, and spent time reading reviews and opinion on specific forums about the rates and the services of different escorts and tantra massage places. what always stopped me is:
    1) im really scared about sexual diseases, all of them also the less scaring like herpes or candida etc just freak me out,
    2) here prostitution is not legal.
    It happens to me to be one-two times per year in Germany,where prostitution is legal and escorts probably get more health controls and then i start looking for escort sites,fkk, tantra massages but was never able to try it for real

    I feel the same: I can be really stubborn and hard to deal with sometimes, but i dont like fights or being theatrical when arguing etc, my gf on the other hand can be really aggressive, yelling, also when we are in public, she just can't properly control her rage, that is one of the thing I really cant stand about our relationship. Point is that I tend to keep my feelings and emotion inside,bc i dont wanna be hurt, and the aggressive manners of my gf , dont help me to be open at all. I feel that she could use those weaknesses against me. I know is a lack of trust in her, and even if she got a big heart, these aspects i just told keep me always on alert...more than usual. Again...bah...so many things to fix.

    Anyway, thinking about all this PM addiction, has to be someway related also to all these aspects of my life that dont work properly. so i have to see this like an opportunity to work on both sides: the addiction and the things that dont work. I feel like working only on one aspect wouldnt really help, or at least would be just part of the job and would make it easier in the future to fall again
     
    onmyway likes this.
  8. onmyway

    onmyway Fapstronaut

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    It’s crazy how similar stories can be. I could have posted this myself as well.

    The thing is, I suppose that the problems with my wife mainly reflect inner issues of myself. Unfortunately it is very hard to distinguish what is hers and what is mine.

    Absolutely agree. Probably the factors are even deeply connected. :confused:

    Wish you a good week!
     

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