How porn changed my life

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by twistedporn, Feb 28, 2018.

  1. twistedporn

    twistedporn Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone,

    So i have been following this nofap community for a while now. And i feel that there are quite some stories out there that relate in a way to my story.

    Just for the heads up, this might be a long story but if you feel like porn has altered your sexual thought, then maybe you should read everything.

    I started fapping at a young age, like 12 years old. The first thing that i fapped at was, belief it or not, fantising about a girl from totally spies. At that time i knew nothing about porn. Half year later or so, my nephew showed me pornhub, in which my reaction was of disgust (little did i know lol). But as the year went by i started to discover the pornsite more and more. I especially admired milfs for a long time, but also girls/teens.

    I knew that i was getting more and more addicted to porn.. I remembered that on a specific day i fapper 6 or 9 times, which is insane. When i was almost 16, i felt that i had to search so long for good porn. I was little done with milfs and wachted lesbian porn from time to time. Then on a day i saw, by accident, i thought it was a girl but it turner out to be a shemale..

    when i saw that, i was really disgust and pressed away. But a few days or weeks later when i ran out of good porn, i started to look it up 'wondering what it was etc'. So when i was searching it up i was full of excitement, because it felt so wrong, but my curiousity let me do it, with the combination of not getting to my known dopamine level from the porn that i watched (milfs/girls/lesbian).

    So as i saw the shemale category porn i found a new dopamine level. I was getting turned on by the fact that it was wrong. A few months later i had a girlfriend and the desires of shemale porn faded away. But i still fapped often, like once a day.

    On the moment when i was going to had sex i struggled (indirectly) with being nervous, having fapped that day, and most importantly with a dopamine level being rated at the hottest girls on porn combined with having fapped to shemale/sissy porn. So luckely i did get hard and had good sex, but i couldn't cum. I only dated her for 2 or 3 weeks, and she was quite a Hoe so to say;p (not that i knew of back then). So i didn't had a second time sex with her, which i really wanted because i wanted to cum with sex. At that time i knew that i had to reduce the amount of porn to better performe but then she left.

    The reason why i really elleborated this two years is because those were the years in which porn categorie/dopamine altered.

    So after the break up I gave up porn for a long time, like a month. But then the lonelyness kicked in and i started fapping intensivelly again. I needed the dopamine even more to fill in the space of loss of the break up, so i went watching that thing what gave me the most pleasure: sissy and shemale porn.

    During the time that i was 17 i kept watching straight porn and sissy/shemale porn. But i started to have reachee my dopamine level again, And that's when i started to watch gayporn. First, just like shemale and sissy hypno porn, I felt full of disgust. So i just looked for a minute max and came by the high level of feeling wrong, which gave me that high dopamine. I went on doing this more and more. Till the point of end 18years old where i started chatting with old guys that wanted me etc.. And it was just before i was 19 that i realized how fucked up i have become. So i wanted to change, but that didn't go easily. I still went on the road but less intensivelly and started (more like trying) to cum on straight porn. But still my neurons were so focussed on the highest dopamine which i got from the porn that made me feel bad the most, that i watched it from time to time. It was this year 10-01-2018 that i came across this nofap in the hope to get back to the younger me that almost just came by looking at girls alone.. So i started doing more research and came across stories like what i am telling you guys now. And found how disruptive porn is to your subconscious mind that indirects affectd your conscious mind. So knowing all that. I started doing nofap. I managed to go 30 days hardmode, so no PMO. At that point i was trying to get the so called 'benifits' of no anxiety etc. But i didn't feel those benifits. I think that that was also why i stopped, combined with the urge to fap again.

    Since i fapped after my 30 days of no PMO I feel like going back to the wrong stuff. It's been three weeks of fapping again. I haven't watched gayporn and only once sissy porn. So i that sence I improved. But i still went back to talking in the app 'Kik', and felt that old known dopamine..

    Now i am going to do this nofap again, but now with the reason to stay away from the bad porn (sissy/shemale/gay porn) to try to get that old drive back for women.

    So if you read all of this, then you must be tired. I thank you for reading and hope you will give your opinion on things like: familiarity, how i should progress and all the things you feel like saying.

    Note: i wrote this really fast, so probably there are tons of grammar mistakes and what not. But i am guessing you'll understand what i just said.

    Bless you all!
     
    ali2k5 likes this.
  2. OnBendedKnee

    OnBendedKnee Fapstronaut

    Hi, @twistedporn. So glad to have you here.

    It's crazy how our dopamine levels decrease while looking at the same porn, so we have to keep searching for that high with more and more extreme scenarios. Just remember though, that there is no "normal" porn. It's all abnormal. We're not wired to look at ANY sort of pornography. By looking at any of it, we are telling our brains that constantly-changing sexual partners who are in a perpetual state of readiness and desire is NORMAL!!! Going to a regular relationship with ONE partner after that is impossible!

    It's good that you recognize how porn affects our dopamine levels. And you being here is an incredibly positive step in combating your addiction. You mentioned loneliness as a reason why you went back to P. I'll bet you felt even more lonely after, huh? Porn is such a terrible lie. A good way to combat the real loneliness is posting here; becoming part of the community. You will feel, with more posts in a journal, as well as words of encouragement to others on our same journey, that you are less lonely. You will also be more prone to go out and meet others - have real conversations that are meaningful rather than buying into the false-relationship of porn.

    We're all here for each other. You can do it!

    Your friend,
    OBK
     
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  3. twistedporn

    twistedporn Fapstronaut

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    Hey OBK,

    Big thanks for your feedback! Indeed, i never told someone about this. So sharing my story about porn really feels as a relieve. And it's nice to know that people out here are helping each other!

    What you said about not being wired to porn makes really sence. I think that as well. The real thing what i just want is a girlfriend;p Loneliness is really what is the hardest, as i see in more stories.

    I'll definitely going to keep talking here, thanks again!
     
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  4. OnBendedKnee

    OnBendedKnee Fapstronaut

    You're not alone in feeling lonely, ironically. Like you said, lots of people here struggle with looking at porn when they're feeling lonely. The funny thing is, when we're done looking at it, we end up feeling even more lonely. And when we stop looking at it and successfully reboot, we are more likely to meet people that we feel an actual connection with.

    My advice:
    1. Exercise like your life depends on it - because it does! Take all that pent up energy you've got from not looking at P and go lift some weights. Are you a member of a gym? You'll feel great thanks to the natural dopamine boost we get from working out. You'll also look better for that future girlfriend :) Bodybuilding.com has an app you can put on your phone that even tells you what exercises to do when, for how many reps.
    2. Keep sharing your story. Like you said, you'll keep that feeling of relief. More, you'll feel like you're helping others, which is SO good for us. I feel good typing this out right now :) No thoughts of PMO here!!!
    3. Know what your triggers are. If it's loneliness, ask yourself what makes you feel lonely. We should be perfectly content being alone. At the end of the day, many of us have used PMO as a coping mechanism for the slight discomfort of loneliness, because we never really learned how to be alone. Meditation can help with this. Learning how to be alone with your thoughts can be SO freeing when we learn to do it right. It's hard, though, because we have so many distractions in our lives these days.
    4. ...Eliminate distractions. It's important to be as present as you can be during these initial days. Don't escape to too many books or tv or video games. These things can be crutches and can teach us that distraction from life is the only way to live without porn. Instead, LIVING life is the only way to be without porn.
    That's enough for now. Let me know your thoughts on each of these points. You can do it, man.
    OBK
     
    ali2k5 likes this.
  5. twistedporn

    twistedporn Fapstronaut

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    Hey thanks again!

    For every advice you gave me I relate the importance of it!

    Q1. I am quite a sportsguy haha. I visit the gym 4-5 times a week. I definitely feel better, and i agree that it makes you feel stronger and i got the feeling that women can sence that as well. So it cut on both sides: the looks and the indirect thoughts.

    Q2/3/4.Luckely I am quite busy for school (economic study university) So that will fill a lot of time of distraction. But the flipside is that i'm not sure if i'll post every day. But i will definitely check once in a while and say how it went. And that what you said about triggers is a good one. But despite knowing what your triggers are, when the moment it is there it is so unbelievable hard (as i felt when i did a month no fapping).

    I hope that you will keep up motivatint others. As so i will do that as well!

    Have a good day!

    Your friend,

    Twisted
     
    OnBendedKnee and ali2k5 like this.
  6. ali2k5

    ali2k5 Fapstronaut

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    your story is interesting sir .. i should be grateful that i started PMOing when i turned 18 to cope with me lonliness... u and i have the same problem lonliness ... even though i m new i welcome u warm heartedly ...
     
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  7. twistedporn

    twistedporn Fapstronaut

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    Owh wow, yeah you should definitely be happy that you just started on your 18th! Yeah, loneliness is hard, but for me it just occurs at night, when i have nothing left to do as well
     
    ali2k5 likes this.
  8. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Our story's are very much alike. I know how it feels to be draw to gayporn. Even though you repulse every single bit of it. We can get over this!
     
    twistedporn likes this.
  9. Mensaclox

    Mensaclox Fapstronaut

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    All i can say is, why i was so ignorant and did not realize anything of this earlier in my life.But at least i know it now, i never went to gay porn, very little shemale, and one time there was something that was 50x worse than all that(not illegal).I had almost forgot about that but your story reminded it to me.Jesus,I am new here wish me good luck boys, i need it everything in my life is F up actually but i promised to myself to recover and make it happen.
     
  10. backgammon91

    backgammon91 New Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to your story and thanks for sharing. I'm on day 4 and like you I want to change things around for myself. Not sure I can offer any support to you right now since I'm new to the nofap community but i'm rooting for you man. Peace!
     
    twistedporn and Mensaclox like this.
  11. twistedporn

    twistedporn Fapstronaut

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    To all of you that have responded, big thanks. Now 22 and much better than before. This forum let me open up. Opening up about your addiction is the best thing to do, in my opinion. Though, as of now I still haven't shared my story with any of my close friends because of the shame that is related to it. In the end, shame is what is for me what is holding me back so much. I hope the best for all of you! If anyone feels the need to talk about it, hit me up!
     

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