How porn changes the way my husband sees makeup

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by akitty820, Jan 5, 2020.

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  1. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    We had a strange day yesterday. My husband is currently rebooting, and is now trying hard mode after an O during sex a week ago caused him to feel really horrible. Since the O, he had been completely uninterested in me, very distant, and irritable. We had some very good talks about his porn addiction but, if I didn’t engage with him first, it was as if I was invisible.

    So yesterday, I was feeling a little bit down about myself. I decided to wear a little bit more makeup than normal as a way to try to see myself as attractive again. Well, it was like a switch was flipped: my husband was suddenly so attentive and so sexually attracted to me that he could barely contain himself. I was even wearing the exact same outfit that I wore the day before; the only difference was a little eyeliner, but he couldn’t stop objectifying me and staring at my butt and chest.

    We talked about it for a long time and had a couple of epiphanies:

    - To me, sex is him and our relationship. To him, sex is porn. So I see him as my sex partner, and he sees any woman who is wearing makeup or revealing clothing (aka “looks like porn”) as being a potential sex partner.
    - The women in porn always “want” him; consent is never required. Because of this, he interprets a woman wearing makeup and/or revealing clothing as signaling to him that she “wants him.”


    It’s not because I’m exponentially more attractive with a little more makeup on; it’s his perception of what the makeup “means” that makes him see me differently. So, when I’m not dressed up in a “porn”’ enough way, he doesn’t see me as a potential sex partner. He’s completely uninterested sexually, because I’m not “sending him sex signals.” And, when I am dressed up, he interprets me as constantly sending him sex signals, and it sends him over the edge.

    Obviously, this is not the case; I often send him signals when I’m wearing less makeup, and he rejects me. I wasn’t sending him signals yesterday when I put on the makeup, but he thought I was and it turned him on.

    A lot of the women on the street who “look like porn” won’t even realize he’s there, but his mind thinks they “want” him. And he doesn’t even notice that women who aren’t wearing makeup exist, so they could be making bedroom eyes at him all day and he’d never know.

    We’ve had this issue of him treating me differently because of makeup in the past, but the speed and intensity of the change was shocking this time. Because of that, I was, understandably, very scared to take my makeup off last night. But he told me that, now he’s realized what’s going on, he can start to change his mindset. He came into the bathroom with me to watch me wash the makeup off my face, and he looked at my clean face the same way as he had been looking at me all night, in a very attentive and attracted sort of way.

    He said it’s never made sense to him how a bit of ink on my face can completely change the way he views me, because I don’t look that different with or without makeup, and I’m still beautiful without it. But without it, I’m his best friend and might as well be his sister. With it I’m the sexiest thing in the world. Now that he has more insight, he thinks that perception will change.

    So it’s scary and confusing, but I am feeling a bit better about the whole situation. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation before?
     
    OlderMM, Azzure, Bobske and 2 others like this.
  2. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

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    Very interesting to read.
    But could it be that he was especially aroused that day ?
     
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  3. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    Nope, he was completely uninterested in me all day. I didn’t put the makeup on until about 4 or 5 PM, and seriously, it was like a switch was flipped. I think he was as shocked by it as I was.
     
  4. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

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    He is probably conditioned by the type of porn he watch. I wonder what happen for someone who watches actress that doesn’t wear makeup.

    I’m not triggered by that but I know that certain clothing item can have the same effect. Even if someone « ugly » wears it, I find it arousing even if I’m not attracted.
     
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  5. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    It’s so crazy how this addiction can change the way you think, and even what you’re attracted to, isn’t it? He has two younger sisters, so I think he also associates the absence of makeup as being an indicator of a close family members rather than a sexual partner.
     
    +TenPercent, engelman and CodeTalker like this.
  6. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    Makeup is weird. I don’t think that women outside my marriage want me based on their appearances. I may want them. What I do think is that when my wife wears makeup that she is trying to look good for me and cares about looking good for me. It tells me she is treating it like a date and that I’m important.

    For me, there’s everyday life and how people look. It gets old. Makeup and clothes can make it feel new and different. I crave newness.

    Not saying any of the above is right or appropriate.
     
  7. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    All of that I understand, and my husband and I have discussed, but the way he views is it completely on another level: he literally doesn’t see me as a person to have sex with if I’m not wearing it.
     
  8. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    So if you look good and sexy in other aspects without makeup, he won’t touch you?
     
    akitty820 likes this.
  9. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Interesting.
    You decided to wear more make up to "feel more attractive", and your husband responded on that. And now you have questions.

    I would like to say: your experiment was succesfull.

    Don't underestimate the power of makeup.
    Let's say that the makeup industry and porn industry work very well together.

    Imo makeup has always been a way to influence. Either men or the user.
     
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  10. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    That’s the thing though; that’s what I said to him, and he said that his reaction to the makeup isn’t a normal “you look prettier with makeup on” reaction. He said he sees me as a completely different person when I add a little eyeliner to my usual mascara, and that’s not a normal reaction.
     
  11. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps there is a term for this: fetish?

    This can happen with anything and it seems he has fetishized makeup or eyeliner.
     
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  12. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    To be honest you started the "not normality" with this:
    You tried to feel better about yourself by wearing more make up.
    Thát's not normal.
    You better put your time in thinking about that, than worrying about your husband who just following you in your behavior.
     
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  13. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly. I was even wearing the exact same outfit as the day before, and I had been wearing mascara the day before, too, but yesterday I added eyeliner and BAM he needed me so badly he couldn’t contain himself. And he couldn’t stop touching and staring at my body, which like I said doesn’t make sense because it was the same exact outfit.

    I hadn’t even expected him to notice the extra makeup because he had told me his complete lack of interest in me before yesterday afternoon was due to him flatlining.

    After we talked about it and realized that this reaction of his was due to the addiction someway, he hasn’t been like that. We’ve been practicing karezza all day, with me wearing no makeup whatsoever, and he’s been really into it.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  14. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    Dude. You’re not listening to me.

    I didn’t act more confident or treat him differently once I put the eyeliner on. I didn’t even expect him to notice because we both thought his lack of interest in me up until that point was because he was flatlining. He noticed and told me he was suddenly objectifying me. We both realized after he had that reaction that it was the makeup that was somehow changing the way he viewed me as a person (platonically vs sexually).

    And what’s not normal about trying to give myself a little confidence boost by putting slightly more effort into much appearance? You’ve never gotten dressed up before?
     
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  15. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    That’s exactly what we’ve been talking about today. It seems like once he realized what he was doing it’s lost the effect on him; I’m sure he’d like if I wore it, but he seems to be sexually attracted to me now even without it, whereas before this wasn’t the case.

    This wasn’t a problem when we first got together, but it has slowly gotten worse the longer we’ve been together until it got to this point.
     
  16. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

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    It seems to me that most girls wants to be attractive, especially to the eyes of their lover. How is that not normal ?
     
  17. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!! Goodness gracious.
     
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  18. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Your made this statement:
    Here you show me something about yourself. That your "feeling of being attractive" depends on a color on your eye.

    No, that's not normal. The knowing or feeling of being attractive shouldn't come from a pencil.
    But that's just my opinion.
     
  19. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    It's shouldn't come from makeup, but from totally other things.
     
  20. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    This will be true in a world where most men don’t have a ln attraction profile that is visually oriented. Until then, this is what women will do to compete.
     
    akitty820 likes this.

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