How porn changes the way my husband sees makeup

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by akitty820, Jan 5, 2020.

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  1. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    I completely agree with you. I feel attractive because I am intelligent and kind and I like the way I look with or without makeup.

    I feel more attractive with makeup on when I’m around my husband because my husband is literally unattracted to me without makeup. Which you’d know from reading my post.
     
  2. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    I'm glad to read this! You should be attractive for who you are and the things you are radiating from the inside.

    I do understand.
    One question to you: "should it help you or your husband in the long term if you wear more makeup to create the attraction"?
     
  3. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    That is why I am attractive, and I am also attractive on the outside regardless of whether I’m wearing makeup. Try telling that to my husband.

    I didn’t wear more makeup in this instance to try to ‘create the attraction.’ In this instance, I didn’t think he’d notice because we both thought he was flatlining. I just put it on, almost like armor, to try to protect myself from feeling ugly around him.

    I’m not sure how to help me or my husband in this situation. I feel horrible about myself and my appearance when he treats me so differently. I feel like he doesn’t actually want me and that he doesn’t actually find me attractive. So no, I don’t and have never thought me wearing makeup to attract him to me would help either of us in the long term, and neither does he. Which is why we decided that we needed to talk about it together to try to figure out what was going on, because he was the one who realized that it wasn’t normal how extremely differently he was viewing and treating me.
     
  4. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    YES!!!! Keep doing this.
     
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  5. Ok gonna try karezza. Ty!
     
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  6. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    It's sad to read you need to do this as a way to protect yourself against the negative attitude from your husband.
    What you actually say is:
    "I feel ugly because of the behavior of my husband". To me you show here some serious emotional dependency.
    Please do some research on "codependency".
    Who you are, should completely stand apart from the behavior of your husband. (and I'm not saying that that behavior is oke, absolutely not. I'm trying to separate things here for you hoping that you find a way to move on, in the first place with yourself).

    Personally I don't think it will help him or you by wearing makeup. Nor as a defense (armor), nor to trigger him to show you how attractive you are. In this way you are just maintain the problem.

    What I should do is leave the makeup for what it is, so that it doesn't feed the problem any longer.
    Focus in the very place on your own needs. Protect yourself against "everything that makes you feel horrible".
    Learn how to set boundaries, learn how to keep your boundaries. Do what's good for you in the first place (like sharing your story here to vent your emotions and to read opinions).

    I'm glad to read you both started that conversation.
    Was there any outcome from his side?
    Does he see he has a problem, and is he willing to work on that?
     
  7. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    WOW!
    Very good and deep posts. Thanks everyone for sharing.

    I think make up is degrading for women and a sign how we raise girls to become insecure women. (generalising enormously here ;)

    Girls are told to look pretty, with nice clothes, nice hair, make up, jewelery. In other words, you yourself are not good enough. And you need to talk about your emotions and analyse everything. In other words; more self doubt.


    Men are raised on the other side of the spectrum. You can become dirty an be boisterous. Play rough and establish dominance with the other boys. Keep emotions simple and don't show them for that is weakness. So the brain is more suspectible to simple commands and triggers. It isn't trained for complicated situations.

    This is all partly genetics and hormones but like everything there is nature and nurture.
    I believe we can be way more nurtured and luckily we can do this ourselves.

    So love yourself. Put yourself in the number one spot, after that your relationship and partner the rest, even the kids comes third. For without proper self love you cannot love someone else. And if you put your attention on someone else you do not give them the space to be themselves.
    (and what use is diverting all the energy to the kids if dad or mum get depresses or seperate because they forgot about each other).

    So keep an open mind and mix things up.
    Make-up in itself is not bad. Someone thinking s/he isn't pretty without it does not sound good.
    Wanting love and sex isn't bad. Fixating on getting it one way might not be to best way to balance.

    Thanks again! Good to see good conversation.
     
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  8. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    This was popping up while reading your constructive post.

    Makeup is just ..... Color. That's it. Okay and some perfume.

    But what exactly counts is the value that is given to it.
     
  9. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    I was reading an article about emotional neglect and I thing this is the issue you are dealing with in your life @akitty820. And your husband as well.
    Please take your benefit out of it and do some research on it.
     
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    @akitty820 I can totally relate. Because of my husband's preference for made up women in porn for two decades, I don't feel comfortable without make up anymore. I don't wear it heavy, but enough to cover any flaws I might see. It doesn't help that I will intermittently have a skin flare up from a medical condition that he has commented on before.
    It sucks because before Dday, I never used to be self conscious or looked for physical flaws in myself. Now I think about it everyday.
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  11. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It really is such a mind fuck. I never once felt ugly before, but now that my husband admits that during his active addiction he found me unattractive I just can't go without make up in front of him. I hate feeling so less than and can't comprehend ever feeling beautiful while near him. Now that I know he spent years looking for better....
     
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  12. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    That is really awful. I can only imagine how terrible that is for a woman to hear :(
    As a male, I’m surprised that I’ve never heard I’m not muscular or tough enough, but a few partners have told me directly that I don’t earn enough money and / or that I don’t measure up in the pants department :oops:

    We are all beautiful and unique individuals with so much value - it’s a shame that media and even cultural values continue to pressure us into being what we’re not. We can’t all be models and lifeguards … nor should we all want to be!
     
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  13. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    I disagree with a lot of @Roady s comments and abrasiveness. He must not hear the tones coming across as he "you shoulds" on you. I'm sorry @akitty820.

    Let me give another perspective and my opinion.
    You know what is super hot and sexy? When my wife feels good about herself. For years and years I emotionally abused her. I didn't have the capacity to be intimate, empathetic, selfless, mindful or present most of the time while I was stuck in my behaviors. Whether she knew it or not she carried the burden of my destruction, apathy and betrayal for far too long. What was normal was she often didn't always feel good about herself, and I was no where around emotionally to help her grow out of that. So you say on one particular day, to boost some personal esteem you added some make-up. That's wonderful. You deserve to feel pretty, not for his sake but for your own.

    I think subconsciously we (men) also can feel a shift in mood or morale with our partners. Sometimes it is those subtle ques that almost give us permission to behave differently. We simply treat each other better when we feel better. So perhaps his sensing your little uptick in confidence, and self-love was a huge turn on for him.

    Hell, for years we beat her down, seeing her feel good for a moment is exciting.
    And since us porn addicts have very little emotional control, and/or an all or nothing mentality, it is no surprise he goes from cold to hot so drastically. The regulated in-between emotions are difficult and foreign to us.

    Yes your make-up could be fetish or trigger toward some porn scene or learned arousal template. But I bet it's more about a perceived invitation or openness where he can connect. Pretty, Sexy, Hot, Horny are his realm of emotional vocabulary. All the other emotions still elude him. We long to connect. We are just learning that in recovery.

    Also one of my wife's triggers is how I treat her the few days after we have sex. She feels so used and objectified if she vulnerably ever has sex and then I don't spend equal time listening, hugging, serving, sharing, etc. the next day. It is a very sensitive time in which I have to go above and beyond normal attentiveness, because it is absolutely essential for her/our recovery.

    Now about make-up itself. It is wonderful and beautiful. Sure it is just colors. But that's what makes it so beautiful. Vibrant shimmering colors, soft pallettes or bright attractive ones. Colors are beautiful, faces are beautiful, combining them is beautiful. There should be no shame projected on any woman for choosing to wear it. My wife has been a professional in make-up over years and I have seen the joy it brings her and other women. It's amazing to see her teach low-esteem women how to use it to enhance their natural beauty and draw out the life and energy from these girls who didn't see it within themselves. It has nothing to do with men or being made objects, or billboarding their faces as advertisments. Make-up is art, to dismiss it or berate it is to not appreciate it's importance and impact.

    Ladies wear it, feel good about you. There will be enough negativity and emotionally immature men around you in your life to bring you down regardless.

    There is hope in healing. Blessed be.
     
  14. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Brings a whole new meaning to 'make-up' sex!!



    ANH
     
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  15. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    I wonder why you seem to need to judge me about my vision on the theme just before sharing yours.

    Some people seem to need to push others aside to create more space for their own opinion.
    Did you really talk about immaturity?
     
    Bobske likes this.
  16. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry this is hard for you.
     
  17. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Okay, you're not willing to answer the question. And you really was talking about immaturity?
     
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  18. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    A few things come to my mind...

    First Thought:
    I wonder if you wearing makeup serves as in indicator to your husband that you are ready to make love? I know sometimes my wife sends me signals, and being the brute of a man that I am, I often miss them, but other times, I'll be like... "She's got that tone of voice and that look in her eye, we making whoopie tonight!". And... might you be subconsciously more agreeable and pleasant when you have makeup on... could you be thinking in your head.. "I put this makeup on and I am going to make sure my husband ravishes me in bed tonight! I'm not taking no for an answer!"

    Second Thought:
    For argument's sake, let's assume that your husband has a makeup fetish and only gets aroused when you wear makeup AND that this fetish developed as a result of porn. Furthermore, let's assume that the Fetish is here to stay, and no amount of NoFap will remove it. Why not just embrace the situation. It would be kind of like... hurting your back and no longer being able to run a marathon, so you switch over to riding a bike to get exercise. The bike is different, but not necessarily worse, and isn't life that way anyway... things change and sometimes that change is due to bad decisions or mistakes. I say, roll with the punches and make the best of a bad situation. Only downside from a dude's perspective is... it must suck having to put on makeup, and then having to clean it off, things could be so much simpler if only your husband would stop being so weird about things.

    I think you risk creating more problems by over-analyzing these things (I write that after a thorough over-analysis, hahaha).

    Third Thought:
    You must be a pretty awesome chick to both put on makeup to make your husband happy and be willing to talk to him about his PMO problems. And, your husband must be a pretty decent dude to be smart enough to marry an awesome chick like you. It is amazing we let little things like PMO complicate what at the base level should be an excellent relationship.

    Cheers and happy marriage to you two.
     
  19. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    Do you wish he never shared that with you?
     
  20. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    It hurts to hear you all say that, because I can empathize. Sometimes I am not very attractive to my wife. Either I haven't been a very nice person to be around or I haven't been taking care of myself very well (staying in shape, shaving properly, dressing nice), or my wife is in a bad mood. My wife is nice enough to not explicitly tell me, "I don't find you attractive right now". But, I sometimes it is obvious.

    However, I have had a lot of success not taking the lack of attraction as a personal insult. If I am in a low mood, I often am not the nicest person to be around, I don't eat right, I don't smile very much, I don't get a lot of sleep, and I don't find myself very attractive. Also, compound my monthly ups and downs with my wifes own high and low moods, then combine those with the stresses of having kids, and jobs, and in-laws... Emotions are complicated, even seemingly simple emotions, like attraction, are complicated.

    In an ideal world our spouses will always find us attractive and always be supportive and always be in a high mood. I don't live in that world. The next best thing is to be comfortable with myself enough that when my spouse doesn't act the ideal way, I don't take it personally and I see through the bullcrap and continue to believe that my spouse wants to love me, wants to be attracted to me, but they just aren't having the best day (or maybe I am not having the best day) or the best month.

    I guess what I am trying to say is... we need to love ourselves more and do our best to keep our spouse's low moods in the moment or for the month (sometimes we have bad months), from creating false realities of ugliness or unattractiveness. If you are in a good enough mood and are willing to help him compensate for his problem by wearing makeup, then do so if you want too, but don't turn his difficulty seeing beauty into your own negative thoughts about being ugly. Just because your husband doesn't find you attractive one night or many nights, does NOT mean you are not attractive. Feeling ugly because your husband is not attracted to you is pretty normal, but it shows you are giving credence to fictitious unhealthy negative thinking.

    If your husband will never you find you attractive, then leave him, but I would guess that he finds you attractive a lot, and we humans tend to fixate on the negative moments and forget about the positive ones. That is why it is very important to not feed into negative emotions.

    We all need to be careful about coming to the conclusion that porn addiction has spoiled our spouses or ourselves. Peel away our problems and we are still excellent people underneath. It is too easy to conclude that porn caused this problem or that problem, but most of the time, those problems are a result of ourselves or our spouses being in a bad mood or being in a negative place. Most of our perceived problems are transitory, if we try to tie every single bad action, thought, or statement to some root cause we just make the problem worse, because most of the time, we are just in a bad mood (maybe we are hangry, or sleepless, or something else).
     
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