How Porn from a young age affected me, and made me uncertain about my sexuality.

Hey.

You sound like me 5 years ago. What you are going through is called desensitisation, your brain has become slightly numb to the standard stimulus of 'vanilla' content and the thing that attracts you to the stuff that (morally) you don't agree with is actually the wrongness of it... am i right? the crazier the better? the more it pushes the boundaries the more it gets your heart racing and you feel like you are in some kind of trance that when you finish and crash back down to reality you don't recognise the person looking back at you in the mirror.


Risk taking behaviour is a well known problem with porn addiction, and it leads many people down a rabbit hole that can and often does, if not dealt with properly, lead to legal problems because there comes a point where you have broken every other moral boundary (you've had practice) that the next ones don't seem as much of a hurdle to jump over.

You are not alone mate, there are many people out there wrestling with their demons and i think it's brave of you to reach out because many don't and suffer as a result.

I would highly recommend seeking out some counseling with a specialist who deals with addiction or if that is not within your reach then you could try and find a 12 step program like Sex Addicts Anonymous.

There are some really good books you could read too that you might find interesting.

'Your brain on porn' by Gary Wilson
'The Porn Trap' by Larry and Wendy Maltz
'Pornland how porn has hijacked our sexuality' by Gail Dines

I will also share my story with you here if it helps.

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...-immorality-to-criminality.99655/#post-822502

 

I’ve had similar experiences where my P addiction progressed into risky behavior, like going to the bathroom at work and taking naked pictures of myself for complete strangers. It’s something that I never would have done years ago. Your mind does eventually crave more extreme versions of P the longer you’ve been on it and even will progress into dangerous situations that you’ll put yourself in. After committing them you feel so ashamed, guilty, and this feeling of “darkness” inside of you. But then you do it again because the urge comes back and it’s very strong.

I started to journal my new NF journey on this forum as a means to help me become more successful at it. Here’s to our recovery journey together.

 

I had the same thing. I preferred lesbian gay and transwoman porn and the vanilla stuff didn't do it for me. Hang in there and keep fighting and you can bring yourself back

 

I think deep down you clearly do know who you are, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to help yourself get out of this. It sounds like you're a straight guy who has escalated to the extremities of porn. Promise yourself that you quit porn, and trust what you know about yourself. Like you said, putting things up your butt doesn't feel good, but the porn addiction says you want to do it. The porn addiction just wants that shock that it gets from you putting yourself in an extreme situation, regardless of how much you dislike it.

I can 100% bet that when you do these things to yourself, you try so hard to act like you like it and act like this is the most important thing in your life, and that your life's purpose is to do that specific extreme porn act so your brain can get its shock. But I am also willing to bet that as soon as you start doing the act, you get that pornographic shock in your brain, and then you suddenly feel fake as fuck, and feel like you're forcing yourself to continue doing it while feeling shit about yourself. And you quickly realise that the shock that you got from your brain was extremely unfulfilling, and pathetic...and acting out that scenario was the most distant you have ever felt from yourself. And then you stop, feel like shit and swear you'll never do it again, until the porn addiction demands that you act out that shocking thing again, and builds up that anticipation that you're about to reinforce the pornographic shock. And the cycle restarts.

Tell me i'm right. You have to disregard these urges and refuse the porn addiction its reinforcement. You know that you don't like it and I bet that every single time you act out one these acts, you feel dehumanised and pathetic and especially fake. So theres your answer. You're not gay and you're not a "submissive sissy" like porn wants you to believe. But you have to be strict and vigilant, and make sure every urge is ignored. The more your starve the porn addiction, the more aggressive it gets for a certain time period. That aggression is desperation, and proof that it's dying.

Good luck man, you can do this. Many have been in your situation and many have completely healed. Its a very common issue of porn addiction so don't think you have some unique unhealable situation.

 

This is true, its like a snowball effect. Porn addiction will make you act out in various ways, some people will say there's nothing wrong with experimenting if you're not hurting anyone but many of us do end up hurting our souls because we are not being true to ourselves it is a mutation of carnal desires gone into overdrive which is not natural nor is it healthy.

The only way I know how to get back to normal thinking and behaviour or should i say more healthy thinking and behaviour is to stop feeding the addiction with the stimulus it craves, eventually that craving will subside but it can be a long struggle back to freedom.