How to admit to my SO? (Issue closed)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Antti Rytkönen, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. Antti Rytkönen

    Antti Rytkönen Fapstronaut

    I'm a PMO addict. I have been living together with my current SO for a year or so. Recently I went into hard mode and we haven't had sex for while. I told her that I lost interest in sex completely, and not only with her. Now I feel an urge to tell her the truth as I have been cultivating this idea for a while. She loves me a lot despite our platonic life at the moment. And I believe that I love her too. What should I do? I don't want to lose her. I'm completely lost, but preoccupied with this thought literally all the time.

    Please share your thoughts regarding this (not so easy) issue.
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2016
  2. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    Tell her the truth because right now there is no telling what she is thinking.
    Best thing is to show her yourbrainonporn and this website and tell her this is me and I dont want to be like this.
    Be prepared for what might come next and be open and calm when the questions start rolling in.
    Good luck.
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    I got this from the book 'The Porn Trap'...

    1. Pick a time and place where you won't be distracted.
    2. Let the other person know you have something personal and confidential to share.
    3. Make sure it's a good time for the other person.
    4. Share how difficult it is to open up. Tell the other person about how you struggled to make this decision. Tell them you chose them because you trust and feel safe with them.
    5. Let the other person know why you are revealing this to them now.
    6. Let the other person know what you need from them. Do you need someone to listen, someone to advise, someone to bounce ideas off of, or ask for a specific way that you need help.

    I would also add:
    7. Let her know it's not her fault and that this is your problem and you're taking responsibility for getting better.
    8. Apologize for not being more open and honest and let her know you're going to address the problems in your relationship as well.
    9. Ask if she has any questions and be open to answering them honestly.
    10. Follow up with her the next day to see how she's feeling, answer any more questions, and start working on a plan of attack.
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2016
    noper32, zauvek, jne and 4 others like this.
  4. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

    I would also add- if she has to play detective and figure out on her own why you are not being a good significant other and catches you or finds your porn, things will be MUCH worse for you.
    TheWife, jne, dewdrop and 4 others like this.
  5. Antti Rytkönen

    Antti Rytkönen Fapstronaut


    thank you so much @Rav70 @i_wanna_get_better1 @WifeInTheDark !

    It made me so happy to get advises from women. I trust you really know what you say and it gives me a lot of self-confidence on my way to maybe one the most important conversations in my life. My SO is a very smart and sensitive person. And I'm sensitive myself too, so it's a challenge for me too. She is the most loving person in my life (maybe after my mother). That's why I'm sure that she will understand me, and I can tell you honestly that I'm working hard to improve myself. Nevertheless, since I'm very important to her I want to approach this delicate question as carefully as possible. First, I'm planning to tell her soon that I will reveal something that's been a terrible secret for so many years and that it's not her fault. Next, I will go through the points addressed by @i_wanna_get_better1 . Thank you once again for them, I feel that this a strong starting point for me to plan the conversation.

    As you probably understand by now, the question is not whether to reveal myself or not. The question is rather how do it. I will reserve some days for myself for now to plan the conversation. After that, I will get back here to ask for your feedback regarding my plan. Thanks for supporting me.
  6. WatchMeRise

    WatchMeRise Fapstronaut

    Sorry to be so harsh, man, but... bad move.
    Try to see it from her point of view: you suddenly quit having sex with her and you tell her that you don't feel like doing it with anybody, out of the blue.
    Have you asked her what she thinks about it? Do you really think this won't lead to the relationship breaking apart, or her cheating on you because she doesn't have the slightest cue what's happened to you? advice would be to either go back to standard mode or tell her the whole truth.
    Antti Rytkönen likes this.
  7. Antti Rytkönen

    Antti Rytkönen Fapstronaut

    I agree with you. My explanation may cause a lot of suspicion from her side. But as I told in my earlier message the question is not whether I should/should not tell her the truth, but rather how to do it. And I want to prepare for that moment as well as I can.
    MsPants and i_wanna_get_better1 like this.
  8. MsPants

    MsPants Guest

    I think you planning out what to say is great. Write down what you want to say, it will help you when you tell her. I think that you need to readdress what you told her before about not being interested in her sexually right now (or anyone else), it sounds to her as though it is about her and not an issue with you. Tell her as soon as possible. One of the hardest things for us to get through is feeling it's our fault and that we are not good enough for our men, when really it has nothing to do with us at all! Admitting your addiction and showing her the resources on here and on yourbrainonporn will help her understand it is not about her and she will feel more confident to be supportive in your reboot
    zauvek likes this.
  9. jfromcr

    jfromcr Fapstronaut

    Hey @Antti Rytkönen,

    I have posted this before, but here is my advice for you:

    On telling your spouse this is the best advice I can give. You will need to tell her eventually, but you want to be clean for a period of time before you do. The reason you want to be clean is that telling her will be traumatic to her, and you don't want to re-traumatize her if you relapse. That being said, you also don't want to be "caught" by her while trying to get clean. Here is my recommendation: take a screen shot of your post and file it away somewhere, tell a friend that SHE will believe if you are caught as a character reference and then point her here and blame me.
  10. Antti Rytkönen

    Antti Rytkönen Fapstronaut

    Ladies and gentlemen,

    this thing happened yesterday. I was planning to write everything down and ask for your feedback before I get down to this issue with my partner. But it just happened yesterday. I couldn't stand an enormous pressure inside of me anymore. Besides that, we have a common trip we my SO and my parents coming up in Aug. I really donät want to reveal my addiction to my mother since it would be catastrophe for her. On the other hand, the behavior of my SO could change due to this issue and my mother would spot this change for sure. Argh... my mother really makes me frustrated sometimes since she thinks that my SO is simply the best I could ever afford and that I should already propose her... Anyway, I thought that if I wait for the time after that trip then it would be too long, on the other hand if I tell now there's still 3 week of time so my SO could adapt and accept my addiction so that it wouldn't be obvious.

    And now about our conversation. It went extremely well even though I talked a bit too much. This feels like a HUGE relief. I feel so much better now. I have convinced her (or at least it feels like that) that I'm really motivated to change which is true. I told her how much I suffer because of that and many there are guys like me. I told her about the instruments I use including this forum. I also told her that if she wants to read about other people's experience, especially SOs' experience then this forum is a good tool for that. I also told how much time I'd like to spend in a hard mode and how much time my rehabilitation could theoretically take. For now we'll continue to sleep in the same bed and live in the same place together, but we also discussed other options. My SO is so smart! We could discuss everything with her, even the hardest issues. And what's most important is that we have trust in each other. Right now I'm very happy and not afraid of our future.

    Anyway, there's still a lot of things we discussed that I haven't mentioned here. If you are interested in something, just ask. I hope this thread would be an example to other people battling with the same issue.

    And last, but not least at all. I got my strength and willingness to tell about this issue because of the support I got in this forum, and especially in this thread. Everyone who has given me any kind of advice, I'm indebted to you. Thank you for your support!
  11. MyAwakening

    MyAwakening Fapstronaut

    Well done as i did the same thing a week ago and she appreciated my honesty as she did not realise that i am a addict and just thought i was putting up barriers because something was wrong with marriage.
    So very important truth is told as marriage is an institution that needs to be protected.
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2016
    WifeInTheDark, Rav70, dewdrop and 2 others like this.
  12. MsPants

    MsPants Guest

    @Antti Rytkönen and @sape congratulations to both of you for your courage and strength! I smiled when I read both of your posts. Your SOs received your admissions so well because you both were upfront and honest. Admitting it to them rather than them discovering it for themselves, shows them that you are wanting a better life with them and are committed to overcoming this addiction. Be proud of yourselves!

    SOs definitely feel like the problem is with them and your relationship when we don't know what is really going on and it can damage relationships beyond repair when the addict continues to keep this secret. Your SOs will need some emotional support from you and you must be patient, loving and supportive with them while supporting yourself through your recovery. It does get easier when both partners are willing to listen to each other; both the addict and the SO need to be heard. Your SOs may benefit from this site while going through this process with you.

    Both of you are inspirational to other addicts in relationships. You two are moving forward on the right path and are no longer alone in this fight, and your SOs are no longer suffering in silence as well.
  13. Antti Rytkönen

    Antti Rytkönen Fapstronaut

    Words of wisdom @MsPants . It's time to move further. I just read terrible stories about addicts who don't want to admit it. I acknowledged my problem long time ago and now it's time for a change. I told about my problem to my AP's and my SO. This means that I'm extremely afraid of a relapse. Every time things start to crawl into my brain I remind myself about the promise I made to others. I feel like I carry some kind of responsibility even though this thing is mainly personal. This social pressure feels very good right now. I deserve this because I want to change as much as I want to breath or I want to eat.
    MsPants and i_wanna_get_better1 like this.
  14. Hotshot

    Hotshot Fapstronaut

    Honestly if youre going to lose her anyway just tell her. She'll appreciate it and will take it hard and leave OR she'll appreciate it and take it well and help you on your journey. Either way, she'll appreciate it.

    Take this with a grain of salt from me. I'm not going to preach do it or don't. Make your own decision. I can tell you I've been with my now wife for 6 years and I've never told her I watched porn from 6 years old and PMO since 9 years old to vhs tapes. I'm now 25.
    MsPants likes this.
  15. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

    i COMPLETELY agree. You want to make it worse for yourself (and 10X worse for her), start off honest then start hiding it again.

    Blunt, but we're trying to get you where you say you want to go.
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  16. Cills

    Cills Fapstronaut

    You need to come clean with her.....yes it will hurt her.....but the real pain that you need to avoid at all costs is letting this go on behind her back for an extended period of time. The betrayal she will feel will be immense if this comes out 5 years down the track or more. Just remember it WILL come ALWAYS does eventually. It took me years to get it out of my husband but I NEW he was hiding women arnt stupid!!! We can tell when a partner is hiding something.....and then she will start digging, and she will observe you until she gets her answer, and she will get it eventually I promise you. Basically the longer you lie and cheat on a loved one, the worse the impact of betrayal she will feel.....and she might not come back from it. If you tell her EARLY there is a chance the damage to the trust between you will be minimized. Whatever you do....if she ever confronts you about it before you manage to tell her, NEVER lie.....come clean. Because once she gets a wiff that it's going on it will rot in her gut until she finds answers
    Antti Rytkönen likes this.
  17. Cills

    Cills Fapstronaut

    Oh woops!!!! Looks like I'm a bit behind and looks as though you told her....go you!!! Must feel like a load off, well done its only for the best.
    Antti Rytkönen likes this.

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