How to be trusting again

I'm a PA, not an SO, and I don't have advice. I just want to say that I believe you, and I know I'm not the only I've here who will. Many amazing SO's he will have tons of hell and support for you. I wanted to answer because I saw there were no replies yet, and I am sometimes insecure when I post for help with something important and I don't see anyone answering me. I know logically people aren't reading it and going "idfc about this guy" but feelings don't follow logic. I don't know if anything like that happens to you, but figured there's no downside to saying "hey I believe you, and you're welcome here".

So that's all. Welcome.

 

So there is a lot to learn while here, and tons of people to learn from.

In my signature, I have two very important threads for the new people who come here.

The Boundary Thread and the Resources thread.

It's very important for the SO (significant other) to set boundaries to keep them safe from the PA (porn addict).

The resources thread is something I created and compiled from everyone who has posted over the past year and a half. If you start there you will start learning a lot about this addiction and how to heal.

One thing you will read over and over on NoFap is that his addiction is not about you and your worth. His addiction is his. It's about him. It's not about you. It takes a while to really understand that, but learning about the addicted brain can really help you wrap your head around it.

Good luck, and we are all here to help each other, so feel free to reach out!

 

What you are feeling is very common, and I am sorry you are dealing with this. I had very similar feelings. They would come at the most random times, and I would have flash backs in my head of him watching porn or lying. Every single memory that we had together was tainted now for me. That long trip we took, was he PMOing in the bathroom, yep he probably was. But not just that, it made me see him in an entirely different light, as a liar. I was always a skeptical person but with him I never thought he would lie to me. That made things even worse because I did not see it coming at all. I wondered what was real? Did he love me? Or was it all pretend? How would I know? I questioned my own ability to assess people. And being around him sometimes made it better, but often made it worse. It does get better with time. You are likely to get over the PMO more quickly, than the lying. I hate to say it but the lying is going to take you a really long time to get past, and you are very likely to carry that hurt with you for the rest of your life even if you leave the relationship. He can rebuild it, but he has to want to rebuild it. In my case I left my partner and the major reason why was because he would not put the effort in to rebuild the trust, and he would not allow me to talk about it with him at all. I would suggest you tell him what you need to trust him again. Word for word, I need you to call me X times, I need you to check in with me etc. How he acts going forward will be the most determinative factor in whether you can forgive him.\

I never realized how bad my issues were, and how horrible I felt until I left I had developed poor eating habits and gained a ton of weight. I stopped exercising, I never slept, I was drinking. I had withdrawn from my friends because I felt I could not talk to them about what was going on, I was embarrassed. Turns out I should and could talk to them, so you should do that. My work had suffered. One of my friends finally said to me when I got out of it, a few months after that she had been really worried about me and was not sure what was going on, I was not myself. I then shared with her what had happened and she cried, so wished I had come to her, and honestly so do I , because with support I likely would have left earlier than I did. It was like I was carrying around a weight on my leg and one day it was gone. I will say though the betryal part I still carry with me in dating and new relationships. It’s hard not to.

I was also in a long distance relationship with him for part of the time, and that made the anxiety even worse. My concern in reading what he said to you is that he does not seem to be accepting fault, he still seems to be trying to blame shift to you or something else. That he was doing it for you or while thinking about you. Often we SOs come to the realization of how much PMO is hurting the relationship long before they do. But they have an addict’s mind, we don’t. Remember that. Read around on here on some of the forums with addicts early in recovery and you will start to recognize it. It’s that thought process that occurs when you read something and say, “that defies logic.” But in an addicts mind it is quite logical. Their whole being is telling them to find the next hit. And that takes priority over yu and everything else in their lives. Unfortunately many addicts never do come around. Or those that do, do it only after the woman leaves him. He has to feel the pain. And often,your pain alone, seeing you hurt is just simply not enough. He has to feel his own pain and it has to be greater than the pain of stopping.

I am not suggesting that you have to leave or even that you should leave. Every woman needs to make her own choice and there are many sucess stories on her for people that have rebuilt their relationship. So I do not want to discourage you. I just want you to know yes it’s a very hard long road.

 

Wow you just described me. I also have a very high sex drive, was open to anything in the bedroom and never had an issue attracting men. I got more attention on the street from other men than my ex gave me. A lot of SOs have this story. I think PMO addicts seek out attractive women with high drives that are open to anything in bed because they think that will make them stop the PMO. If they have the real life fantasy. It killed my self esteem too. Once thing an addict on her said to me km d was that if that woman walked off the screen today your addict partner would have the same issues he does with you with her and he’s right. It’s not about sexual attraction to you versus another human female. It’s you versus him sitting in front of a computer. It’s not really about sex at all. It’s about fear of intimacy and addiction. He can’t have a normal sexual relationship with anyone other than the TV. Think like this, he would rather sit in a room alone with a tv screen than a real person. That’s a serious problem that has zero to do with you. And if he did it long before he met you how can it be you?

 

OMG I am sorry but that was so funny and witty I WISH I had said that to my husband when I found out, I am sure it would have changed his mind about PMO and he might have seen things differently. Props to you for being able to say that, and it looks like from what you wrote it affected him.

 

Sarcasm is the best, honestly, I really wish I could go back in time and tell me husband that if he wants to watch porn, I'll grab a guy and we can have sex for him to watch. I think that really would have woken him up a bit if I had had the courage to have some wit and sarcasm. But when I found out I was just devastated and didn't have much in me.

 

Can you expand on this - how is it a fear of intimacy? How do you know that?

 

This is how things were for me as well with my partner. He would close his eyes and replay porn in his mind. He never made eye contact during sex or foreplay, we never kissed, there may h ave been sex, but there was not intimacy. And he could at least sustain an erection, but never orgasm from me.

It’s not about you at all, it is not that you are not enough, you are, its his problem. Many people don’t realize that PMO addiction is an intimacy issue, it has nothing to do with sex. Many addicts don’t even realize it. My partner for example had an avoidant personality. He was scared to get too close to anyone. In the beginning he would kiss me, he would look at me, but the closer we got, the more vunerable he felt the more he stopped and got deeper into PMO. Many men are very fearful of allowing another human being to be solely responsible for their sexual pleasure. So they won’t let them. They will use porn and their hand instead.

PMO addiction runs a lot deeper than just stop looking at porn. If only it were that easy. While some men may have an easier time, most have underlying emotional and mental issues that led them to PMO to begin with. Its not about your looks, your body, how you act, who you are. It is all about his own personal issues, you could be a supermodel and he would still behave in the same way. He needs to work on his deeper issues in order to move forward. You can’t move him forward, he needs to want to move forward and recover and get better. It’s his decision. And it’s your decision what you do once he makes it.

 

Incorrect. GG2002, you've said this before, and it's still not true. As I wrote then: "Yes, there are deeper issues that cause addictions, but the rush of brain chemicals that PMO provides is of course about sex, so even the addiction has to do with sex. The reason that all guys don't become porn addicts is because they don't have some of the other underlying issues."

You write so many good things, but I feel I must point out when you're incorrect.

This part is true. For me, it was shyness as a teenager, and the longing to have a sexy girl to be my girlfriend, and my lover.

 

Hi @Penelope
First off, it's not your fault!!! He is a PMO addict. It's not your fault. It's not that you are unattractive. It's because he has an addiction and he cannot have a normal relationship until he faces his problem and recovers from addiction. Period.

I'll repeat: He cannot have a normal relationship until he recovers from porn addiction. This can take YEARS.

From my experience with reading posts and stories on NoFap, I would say that your partner is in a stage where he does not even acknowledge the problem (for himself I mean, he may pretend to care just to keep you around). It may take years before he actually starts doing anything about it. From then on, more years may go by in recovery and relapse patterns.

My advice is: run while you can! You deserve better. This relationship is breaking you. You need to get out of it. It's not your fault. You don't owe him anything. He's been lying to you. The relationship is stressing you out and breaking you down. Get out of it.

Also, you are probably doing him a favor by leaving him. He will probably realize how much his addiction is destroying. But nevermind that, this is not about him, this is about you. You need to take care of yourself and live the life you want. Don't stay with this lying excuse of a man.


This is just my opinion; take it or leave it

 

Sorry, but you're making this up. You confronted him multiple times on different occasions and he is not willing to change:

This is abuse.
You confronted him about the problems and he abused you. This is not acceptable.
You need to protect yourself.
Get out of that relationship while you can. Don't make a scene, don't get angry, don't get mad. Make some plans for yourself and leave him.