How To Betray Your Wife, Destroy Her Self-Worth And Implode Your Marriage In One Easy Step

Thank you for posting this, I can see why it went viral. I'm at the beginning of a very long road. The way you spell out the damage my addiction has caused my wife is chilling. I need to keep this front of mind, always.

 

Powerful.

 

@RDucky @happenstance @Psalm27:1my light @Queenie%Bee
Thank you so much for this post - so well written and so on point. And thank you SO’s for all the replies

Having been cheated on, I can relate. Yes, the knowing she had sex with other men was a painful revelation, but the insidiousness of sensing her slipping away and the suspicions were more painful and destructive.

Yet, I’m a porn addict too. I genuinely prided myself in having “never cheated”, yet I cheated on every person I was with by indulging in masturbation, fantasy and porn.

I’m currently over 150 days without MO and have watched one 5 minutes porn video in the past 550 days. It’s not enough. I’ll never be cured. I almost slipped with MO just now . . . But reading your posts is sobering indeed. I NEED these reminders of why I can’t masturbate (and it WILL lead to porn) and it helps me immeasurably to hear your experiences of you’ve been affected by the “harmless wanking” of the men in your life.

This thread is encouraging me to go and get things done rather than indulging in self pleasure.

Thank you!

 

While I generally like and agree with this article I think it’s a bit too moralistic. There are many benefits to nofap that are worth discussing here in a way that isn’t so sententious. PMO distracts from one’s wife in a way that they’re going to notice and catch on to. It harms the sex life and leads to embarrassment and hard feelings. I really wouldn’t say that PMO is the same as cheating; that’s not really a sufficient analogy if you ask me. I would say that PMO over the long term and make it so that one enjoys porn more than one’s actual wife. It’s not the same as cheating, it’s more like removing the sexuality and sexual attraction from your marriage and giving that responsibility over to a anonymous porn site.

 

It looks like infidelity, acts like infidelity, and sounds like infidelity, but it's not cheating.

 

87% of women feel differently. As long as both you and your partner agree it’s not cheating, then it isn’t. However, if one of you feels it’s cheating then it is. Some couples have open relationships, some are swingers, it’s what you both agree on. That’s part of what makes each relationship unique. If you want someone who doesn’t mind that you jerk off to other women/men/animals then be up front about it and find that person. If you are honest, they are informed. It’s as simple as that.

 

My reply was to mock the position that pornography use is not cheating within a closed marriage. Personally, I think open marriages are an oxymoron and is basically just promiscuity with extra steps. With that said, of course one can't be said to have cheated on another if they are both following agreed-upon/approved behaviors within their "relationship".

 

Lol! Sarcasm was missed. I’m going to blame it on my migraine. Unfortunately the number of men on here who will argue it’s not cheating in any way, shape, or form is enormous. I agree about your take on open marriages.

 

He was being sarcastic, the problem is 99% of the addicts on here will argue it’s not cheating so both you and I missed his sarcasm.

 

Because woman are built differently. They generally don’t turn to porn for comfort. They seek warmth, validation and passion. It’s very accurate. My wife had rather me slept with a woman than ignore her over porn.

 

Many partners feel more hurt by addictive porn use than an affair. I can’t explain why, except that with porn we are being compared to unrealistic expectations and in no way can we compete. It leaves us feeling hopeless. That no matter how much love, acceptance, touch, anything we have to give, or we offer. The addict prefers his hand and phone. Every time. We know it. We feel it. To be rejected for masturbating to a fake image is so painful.

 

My wife says it’s cheating, so it IS cheating, because that’s how it feels to her. But it’s hard for me to not differentiate between the two because there is zero humanity involved … no chance for an emotional connection, no attraction or arousal outside of sexual, and very shallow, mechanical sexual arousal at that.

I prefer to consider both a live partner and porn addiction outside of marriage as betrayals, with porn addiction being a more hurtful betrayal because of its nature.

However, if she feels like she was cheated on, then who am I to parse words in order to justify or make myself feel better about my thoughtless, uncaring, lowly actions? Heartbreak is heartbreak, so what you call it doesn’t really matter; it’s still devastating.

 

Where did you get that figure from out of curiosity?

I think this is quite a generational thing and also something that has been impacted by the far-left liberal culture we now live in where porn and women selling their bodies is seen as a wonderful and sex positive thing, anyone who goes against this is seen as being oppressive and backwards in their thinking.

Look at these two reddit threads for example:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/2qvc1e/ive_heard_most_women_say_that_they_dont_consider/

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/6ir7ld/how_do_you_feel_about_your_so_watching_porn/

On the whole, young women nowadays don't seem to see it as cheating, or even a problem. It seems the line is drawn at "interactive porn" but merely 3rd person viewing is largely seen as ok. Obviously even more young men don't see it as an issue but then what do you expect when society teaches them that it's a positive thing?

Personally I feel conflicted in my views but I don't know how much of that is influenced by my negative experience with porn use. I now very much would not like the idea of a future partner watching porn and I probably would veer towards the side of seeing it as cheating but at the same time there's no way I could put it on the same level as her actually going out and being touched by another man, I just can't compute those two things as being equal.

 

Here’s the thing-I and other women didn’t initially feel that porn was cheating. But if you are married to a porn addict, it becomes every bit an issue as cheating, it feels like cheating because they spend more time with their porn mistresses than you. They plan to spend every second they can with their virtual harem and in fact start to resent you for making any type of demands. The wife is neglected in favor of porn . They lie about it, They gaslight, they darvo, they become abusive in their thoughts and actions towards their wife. Yes lying straight to your spouses face is very emotionally and psychologically abusive as well as gas lighting them. So… they spend time, money, sexual energy, sexual satisfaction all on porn while treating their wife like she is a nuisance and a bother. Then turn and say what great husbands they are because they have never “ cheated”. And they really believe it. I’m sorry but if you are an active addict, you are not a great husband. My husband is a good man, but he was a terrible husband until he got into recovery. He didn’t think porn was cheating and he didn’t think he was abusive, and he thought he was a great husband and father who had an awesome marriage because that’s what he wanted to believe. Until he got clean. Then everything he thought changed. Even if you’re ok with porn in the beginning, once you see how it changes your spouse, it hits differently. Once you ask them to stop and they won’t, yeah, it feels like cheating, and it is. It’s cheating me out of the love and companionship I was promised.

 

As a man who cheated on his wife with porn and deeply hurt her because it even progressed to an online hookup attempt, thank you, Psalms27, for sharing your insight.

If it feels like cheating to her, it IS cheating, no matter how he might try to justify that it’s not. Calling it what he wants or categorizing as something different is missing the point … his wife is hurting and feels betrayed.

I struggled with the same for a brief moment, but the minute I gave up trying to defend or justify any aspect of this addiction was the minute I gave us both hope of recovering, repairing and restarting our once wonderful relationship.

 

Thank you both for sharing your perspectives. They are painful, but necessary to hear. One thing we don’t talk about enough on NoFap: the need to give up rationalization and justifying.

 

Dear @RDucky,
I liked your article a lot! I had to think of a friend of mine who's married and uses porn.
But I'm solo. I don't betray anyone when watching porn. However I feel as "a selfish boy" when I use it instead of meeting the challenges of life.
Having read your article I wonder, how do you see my situation? What advice can you give me?

 

AMAZINGLY PUT HONEY !