If the porn use was a one off, the partner was up front about porn use before the marriage or quit immediately upon the partners expression that “ hey this fuc*ing hurts me, it feels like cheating and I no longer feel like I can trust you” that might be different. That is rarely what happens. Like an affair, he is giving his time, sexual energy, thoughts, and sometimes money to other people. If his vows included “ forsaking ALL others” then yes I expect to be the only person he turns to for sexual expression. I expect him to talk to me ( shocker) if we are not connecting in any area of our life and marriage. Seriously, if you don’t think it’s cheating that’s fine but you do not get to tell your partner how they feel. I’ll put it another way- your wife meets up ever day with a man she met just for coffee at Starbucks. You don’t know about it. But as time goes by you realize she is gone longer, doesn’t talk or listen to you, and she’s refusing sex more and more, months on end. She’s completely uninterested in you. You see she goes to coffee a lot and ask her about it, she says she just gets coffee. You ask if she’s having an affair, she denies. So you follow her. You see her with this man and Later you confront her about it and she says “ he’s just a friend I meet for coffee, nothing is going on”. But she’s sneaking out to meet him multiple times a day, sometimes getting up in the middle of the night while you’re sleeping. You ask her not to, she continues and continues to lie to you about it. You tell her it hurts and feels like cheating and she adamantly says nothing is going on, she’s not having sex with him. You want to know why she isn’t home more often, why she’s lying about meeting this person, if there isnt anything going on why won’t she stop? She argues they’re just friends and why are you so jealous, why can’t she have friends? Your relationship continues to get worse but she says everything is fine, but you are miserable. She doesn’t really care about anything except when she will see her friend next. You call the man…. He tells you they have never had sex, they have never touched, never seen each other naked, ever, he doesn’t even know her real name. They just exchange stories, fantasies of what they want, then go home and masturbate to them. You confront her again and she says “ it’s not cheating, it’s not like one I’m having sex with him. I just fantasize about it and thousands of other men, everyone does it”. Then she says “ I love you, I can see how much this hurts you, I really didn’t know, I’ll stop seeing him”. You feel better, things get better for a while and you think they no longer see each other. Things aren’t great, she is home more often, but then she starts staying away more and more, telling you it’s work, so you start getting a feeling, you think you’re crazy, so you swing by her work and there she is having lunch with the man. You have 3 children, she earns triple what you do ( you just work on the side because someone had to be home with the kids) and she owns the house you live in. You don’t even own a car because she insisted she could pay cash rather than get a loan so it had to be in her name. You completely trusted her. Until now. You feel trapped. I personally feel porn is as bad if not worse than sex. Because of this. You think it is not as bad. Why isn’t it as bad? If I robbed you blind while married, hiding the money would that be different than if I broke in and stole from a stranger? Technically, all the money is “ ours” so I’m not stealing even if I lie to you about it, right? Again, that’s your right to not think if it as cheating but if your partner feels it is cheating, ( man or woman, and yes men can feel the same) then to them it is. Hell just don’t get married or a long term supposedly honest committed relationship. Go have all the solo sex you want, you can cam, see hookers, you can act out every sexual fantasy you want but don’t drag someone else into your life. Be a decent person and think about how they feel, not just what you want.
