How to deal with sexual fantasies

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Pepa, May 20, 2019.

  1. Pepa

    Pepa Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    Please how to deal with sexual fantasies?
    I have it when some female friends write me a message on FB, or go with me for some beer, I still have expectation of potential sex with her. Instead only talking with them like a friends use to talk. Of course, they are only interested on me like a friend, not like a potential sex partner. And I still have sexual expectations and a lot of fantasies...still hoping, maybe they want me for sex, maybe I will seduce them etc....
    Maybe without this fantasies or expectations I am not interested to communicate with them :-( I know, I have it from watching porn before...now I am rebooting...
    How to learn myself to communicate with girls like only o friends, not like potential sex objects?
    Thanks
     
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  2. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    Continue your reboot and try to gentle shift your attention every time, when you start to think about them in a sexual way. You need to be strict - they are your friends who respect you, so you should respect them and treat them like a friends. In such moments try to think about their hobbies or how can you help them or somebody else. Be the man they see in you. Fantasizing about them should be stopped immediately every time when it comes to your mind, but it's normal that they come during a reboot. Practice self-compassion and self-discipline.
     
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  3. sbank

    sbank Fapstronaut

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    I think I understand what you are saying, because I suffer from pied I have wound up in the friend zone with a lot of women, I mean what's the point going any further when you know you cant do nothing, frustrating I know
     
  4. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    So, what will you do?
     
  5. sbank

    sbank Fapstronaut

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    The only thing I can do, wait until my pied has been worked out and 21 days in I don't have a clue how long that will take, trying for 90 days hard mode is a good start.
     
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  6. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    PIED usually takes a couple of years to fully heal.
    There are 3 points here:
    1. potential sex object/fantasy lives in the mind. Sometimes, just give them a compliment, even out of the blue and it helps. the 12 step program advises people to talk about with someone else, every time it happens and wish something good for them that's not sexual. You can do with that as you will
    2. you know them as friends. Every time you think of something sexual, revert to something that you like about them as a human being/friend/even as a woman. Use that as the basis of a conversation to cement it. If you just leave it as a thought, it is transient, if you do something about it, it makes a deeper impact. So if you reframe the thought to something human and then talk about it with them or with someone else (with them is better, because it's with them and you improve your friendship), then over time your thoughts shift
    3. it is a symptom of your brain realising that it isn't getting the usual dopamine and trying to conjure something up. It's part of the withdrawal. Usually that element of fantasy gets it from porn, now there is no porn, the brain is trying to summon the same hormone release through fantasy. It will pass as the brain recalibrates.
     
  7. Pepa

    Pepa Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Guys,
    I just find myself, and it is not sounds good...I am just trying to visualise meeting with some of my female friends, go to the bar and only talking...it looks boring to me go out with them without chance to sex...only talk with her etc.
    I found myself that girls are interesting for me only if there is some potential to have sex with them :-( Yes, I was not successful in this, mostly there was only some communications and help with their problems and not sex, but probability of sex was something which takes me out of home with them. Without potential sex, or helping to me, it is boring for me to meet and only communicate.
    A lot of years I was something like a nice good guy, only talking with girls, helping them with their problems and it costs me a lot of money and time...yes, I help them but I didnt have a good feeling from this...but the opposite was true. I was angry with myself, I spent a lot of time and money and no sex. They told me, I was too good for them.sometimes do not attractive for them and etc....
    I have a problem to meet with girls only for talking now. Without potential of sex or helping me.


    I asking myself a question: What wil happen if they will not have sex with me...and I feel some resistance in this visualisation of meeting with somebody without potential of sex in the future...and I dont know what this resistance is
    Thanks
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
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  8. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    It would seem that, in addition, you have a completely different issue. You are reacting to a defense mechanism set up because of mistreatment by women. Basically you tried to be helpful and care about them without having any explicit hopes for sex and you got used. Now, you're going the other extreme and saying that it has to all be about you otherwise, what's the point?

    There's nothing wrong with hoping for sex when you encounter a woman. I think it's about what's your primary motive and the reason behind that motive. For illustration, if you only care about sex, you'll find that when things aren't being led in the right way, you'll get anxious and give up. You'll start noticing elements or saying things for that gain, and she'll notice.

    From an evolutionary perspective, women needed to protect themselves and their young, and back in the days, that required someone who was built for the task, the male. But to truly protect their young and themselves, they had to be apt at discerning who would use and abuse them and who would actually protect them and nurture them. Hence the reason for relationships. It's also why women's body language senses and intuition when it comes to mate selection is hyper-alert. Men didn't need it as much, so ours aren't.

    You need to find a healthy medium whereby you hope for sex, but you aren't consumed by your lust for it.
     
  9. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    this
     
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  10. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    This sounds like issues addressed in the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. I have not read this book myself, but I’ve read numerous references and recommendations in NoFap circles:
    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_More_Mr._Nice_Guy_(book)

    As I understand it, “nice guys” often aren’t actually nice, just *pretending* to be nice to avoid conflict, suppress negativity, and/or achieve some ulterior motive (e.g., sex). Creates all kinds of problems like those you are now experiencing.

    If your only objective is sex, you’re going to find yourself in a Catch-22:
    Female: Why sleep with someone who doesn’t care about me as a person, just sex object?
    Male: Why care about someone who isn’t going to sleep with me?

    This:
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
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  11. Pepa

    Pepa Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I know this book, that is the reason I called it nice guy :)
    There are 2 extrems:
    1,a good boy, who help to girls during a meeting and pay the bill in the restaurant ,or pub during this date
    2, on the other side only fucker, who only play some theatre during the dates with the intention to take them to the bed

    I would like to meet with my female friends and alsou like to meet new girls, but i dont like to be a fucker or only good boy :)
    And I dont know where is the middle. Not to have stress if she will not have sex with me, if I will not attractive for her, etc, no matters on it.Be helpfull and friend on one side,and not be only crazy creep on the other side.
    To see the girls not like pornstar or fuckmachine, or potential sexual object, but see her only as a woman,or friend...and if there will be sex, good...and if no,also good and not stress or feeling of lower self esteem from it
     
  12. bikinhappy

    bikinhappy Fapstronaut

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    Hey bro, try to read david deida book: the way of superior man.
    You can search the summary first or listen some of his talk in youtube.

    You will gain new perspective about sex.

    Good luckan, you can di this :)
     
  13. Pepa

    Pepa Fapstronaut

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    Thanks,
    maybe it is the thing of different settings...one side(she) need only some talk or help and on the other side(me) hope that ther it will be some sex :)
    two very very different settings or levels during the meeting of two people.
    Maybe she try to use me for helping with her problems and on the other side me wanting to use her for sex...two different positions...sounds good in the business....something for something...I will give something to You (solve your problem, what is boring for me) and you will have sex with me :)but it is not the way how people work.
    Yes, of course I am glad to help her...but my time is away. Cause she want help, not sex...and me?want sex, not helping only to somebody :)different wishes o different people...
    I am bored to helping somebody a lot of years only. And I dont have a time to help somebody and instead of sex to be angry on me how I stupid I was, instead of reward.

    I am trying to find a way to find something good and interesting on one of my female friend. And only one thing what is interesting for me, that maybe one day I seduced her :-( I found nothing more interesting on her except potential of sex :-( and I am sad of it...I found nothing more...she is so boring and she drives me crazy...she talk a lot of bullshit how she is successfull ,but true is the opposite.
     
  14. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    Mate. a lot of things here. First of all, you are still early in your recovery, so don't make any life changes, because your brain is still relentless in its pursuit of the fix and it will mess with your perception and attitude. You'll have brain fog, and some point a flatline or 2, maybe some headaches and you'll start recovering and it'll change, if you keep on the path to recovery.

    Second of all, no-one is compelling you to help these people either for sex or no sex. Your time is valuable, either economically or because it's your bloody time and life. You don't have to be available all the time, and don't let yourself get used. You got used because you made yourself overly available and allowed it. You need to look a little inwards, value yourself and then you'll be able to find your healthy medium.

    You're thinking too transactionally and it's messing you up. I'd imagine, some of that has got to come from the mistreatment but I would bet that a lot of that comes from porn. Sex as a currency is quite a common motif and it brain wash a person to thinking that the transaction is expected.

    Ultimately, forget about dating at the moment, being in a relationship, if you are already in one, can make it easier because you are accountable to someone and they can be supportive. But it is also a huge risk as well, relationships, even in the best of times are riddled with triggers. Focus on your recovering and you'll thank yourself when you're done. read some success stories for inspiration.
     
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  15. Pepa

    Pepa Fapstronaut

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    yes, sometimes I helped them and sometimes they want me only for talking in the pub...but without potential sex is boring for me to meet with them, doesnt matter if it was about helping them or not....
    It is very sad, but there was only one motivation to go out with girls, potential of sex. Of course they didnt know about it and they wanted only to talk or help, no sex...
    On one side in the pub was me (go out only because maybe there will be sex) and on the other side she (wanted only to talk or ask for advise, without intention to have sex) :)))
    And result of this meeting?I was angry of myself,because time and money for bill :)))
     
  16. Pepa

    Pepa Fapstronaut

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    Today I asking myself a very interesting question:
    What will happen if one of my female friend will not have sex or something romantic issue with me?
    And I still dont have an answer. Only feeling pressure, or resistance or I dont know what it is :-(
    I think this friend does not have a plan to have something with me except good friendship. And why i still have fantasies about this bullshit?
    I dont know if this is a low self confidence. And she is not the only one I have this question about.
    Of course I know that I dont have each woman from my community. But I dont know why I have this stress about this :-(
    Maybe I dont have a problem with porn, but with this .
     
  17. bikinhappy

    bikinhappy Fapstronaut

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    I think currently your mind occupied with previous information/knowledge regarding sex.
    So if you want to change your mind then you need to filling it with new perspective.
    I think the only thing that can help you is the new information/knowledge about sex.

    Try to educate your self about sex. I recommend David Deida books, but you may found other enlightened beings regarding this subject.

    Otherwise you will feel the same, think the same, and act the same. Following the vicious cycle of frustration.

    Goodluck Man, keep us posted the progress!
     
  18. Pepa

    Pepa Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I red a lot of books about sex and for men,each book from Deida and others...a lot of seminars about sex, tantra etc...didnt work to me :-(
     
  19. Mr. McMarty

    Mr. McMarty Fapstronaut

    I never could stand to have female friends. If I truly truly thought there was no way I was going to have sex with a woman I was not interested in hanging out with them in any way shape or form. Why would you want to hang out with girls that just likes you for being a friend? What are you going to do when you meet some girl that likes you. You going to give up all your other friends? But that's just me. My opinion
     
  20. Pepa

    Pepa Fapstronaut

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    because I never know if there is a potential for sex or no.It is complicated to understand womem :)
    I dont know, I am angry because one friend of mine didnt replied me on my message two days, i dont know why I am angry of it...its her business,not mine...it should not matter to me if there is a potential or no :)
    13 days of PMO, it wasnt problem to give up porn, the problem are fantasies. Maybe should be good to not thinking about women,not writing with them,each of them,except my partner....at least first month of 90 day PMO
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2019

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