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How to deal with shame about the past?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Merry Terry, Jan 28, 2020.

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  1. Jan 28, 2020 #1
    Merry Terry

    Merry Terry Fapstronaut

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    This may be a question for the more advanced people here: after you managed to get rid of your PM habits, how do you learn to forgive your past you?

    I feel like I’m getting better and better in saying no to P, but feel like my past keeps haunting me. Especially because I used to PM while alone at work. As recently as last November I did it, the day that I joined this forum - it was the trigger in fact.

    As far as I know, noone ever saw me, but I’m still afraid someone might have. Today I met an ex-boss from a freelance job that ended very weirdly - and where I did sometimes indulge in PM when I was left alone at the office at the end of a long day. Now everytime I meet someone from that time, there’s a weird awkwardness and I can’t help fearing they might know. But I can never ask, of course.

    Now, how do I deal with this crippling shame? How do I let go of the past, accept it and move on? I think I know how to never do something like it again. But how to do forgive myself, and if I ever will, I have no idea...
     
    Merry Terry, Jan 28, 2020
    Merry Terry, Jan 28, 2020
    #1
  2. Jan 28, 2020 #2
    Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Some food for thought:

    “Care about what other people think (of you) and you will always be their prisoner.” — Lao Tzu

    “With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” ―Wayne W. Dyer

    “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” — Lao Tzu
     
    Fenix Rising, Jan 28, 2020
    Fenix Rising, Jan 28, 2020
    #2
    fastfreddy, Merry Terry, Shadow_Monk and 2 others like this.
  3. Jan 28, 2020 #3
    juniormelville

    juniormelville Fapstronaut

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    Learn the relevant lesson from it then ignore it. Don't waste energy constructing an image of yourself.
     
    juniormelville, Jan 28, 2020
    juniormelville, Jan 28, 2020
    #3
    Merry Terry, vxlccm and Optimum Fortitude like this.
  4. Jan 28, 2020 #4
    Cosmo1971

    Cosmo1971 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah i agree it sucks you cant change what happened. But the more time that passes the more youll forgive yourself. You just gotta keep living and the further in the past it is the less youll judge yourself. Bro i was watching some weird shit on pornhub and the me now wonders whAt the hell was wrong with me in the past. It stings but i forgive myself because i had a problem found out what it was and when i did i changed for the best.
     
    Cosmo1971, Jan 28, 2020
    Cosmo1971, Jan 28, 2020
    #4
    Fixmybrain and Merry Terry like this.
  5. Jan 28, 2020 #5
    henryhill

    henryhill Fapstronaut

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    Similar situation. Definitely wonder if a few people know what I’ve done while at work. Definitely feel shame at times around it but one thing I try and remember is that everyone has an issue with something and to remember to be as forgiving to yourself as you would be of someone else’s faults if you were to discover them.

    Also, what is the biggest consequence if they know? Your pride might be hurt? Unless your current employment is at risk I’m not sure how they would impact you now.
     
    henryhill, Jan 28, 2020
    henryhill, Jan 28, 2020
    #5
    Merry Terry likes this.
  6. Jan 28, 2020 #6
    gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    I think take some time to understand why you feel shame. If you are getting a genuine emotional reaction it may be trying to tell you something.

    Try meditation, if you can bring yourself to just sit for a few minutes the next time the feelings arise, you may learn a little about yourself
     
    gingeralan, Jan 28, 2020
    gingeralan, Jan 28, 2020
    #6
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  7. Jan 28, 2020 #7
    vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    We all have things to be ashamed of. Carrying it around isn't particularly useful unless it's temporary and helping remind you to be a better person.
     
    vxlccm, Jan 28, 2020
    vxlccm, Jan 28, 2020
    #7
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  8. Jan 28, 2020 #8
    Merry Terry

    Merry Terry Fapstronaut

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    That’s a nice one!

    That’s a beautiful idea, too. If I would see someone else doing PM at work, I’d be understanding and compassionate, even though I wouldn’t condone it, of course. So I shouldn’t assume everybody else will think the absolute worst of it.

    Yes, I’ve been meditating for years. It’s very powerful, but it also makes it very hard not to notice certain feelings that I’d bury or ignore previously...

    Yes. Sometimes the reminder stings though, doesn’t it? But there’s no running away from it.
     
    Merry Terry, Jan 28, 2020
    Merry Terry, Jan 28, 2020
    #8
  9. Jan 29, 2020 #9
    PowerfulSRE

    PowerfulSRE Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    This can be explained with one sentence I heard on a course of meditation from a monk. He said like this: Stop hoping for a better past.

    I hope it helps.
     
    PowerfulSRE, Jan 29, 2020
    PowerfulSRE, Jan 29, 2020
    #9
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