How to deal with the Coolidge effect in a porn-free monogamous relationship?

I've come to realize that ever since my SO stopped watching porn (about 8 months ago), our sex life has become quite inactive compared to what it used to be. I acknowledge that part of it might be his brain rewiring (although he didn't really have any kind of sexual dysfunctions while being an active addict; only slight DE and death grip syndrome during our very first few sex attempts) and some sort of flatline period, but I also think that generally, porn helps to get some variety in one's sex life by looking at other naked women/men and/or watching certain sexual acts that are not desired or possible in real life.

From the beginning of our relationship my SO has always expressed an interest in variety and keeping things exciting, but being one single person, I can only do so much. I've been trying to dress up in different outfits and he would get really excited about them at first, but after having worn them once or twice, they seem to become absolutely uninteresting again and worthy of going to the trash. Now I'm not that rich that I can afford dressing in new lingerie and outfits every single day, so there is a limit to that. Roleplaying is also not really my thing, nor performing any extreme sex acts, extreme dirty talk or using extreme sex toys. So I guess my own personality and sexuality are also a limiting factor.

I would be interested in how recovering or fully healed PAs in relationships deal with the disposal of porn as an outlet for sexual variety. Is it just a forced acceptance that having one sex partner might become boring and stale after a while, even to the extent of sometimes choosing not to act on the need for sexual release because of that (which sooner or later would make me worried about actual cheating), or is it simply a question of sexual compatibility? Or maybe a combination of both?

Thanks in advance for any advice or ideas.

 

It has been quite the opposite between my wife and I. I hope someone is able to help with this for you two.

 

Thank you everyone for all the answers and advice. I will definitely look more into karezza, it seems like a really nice couple experience without any pressure of reaching orgasm, we have actually done this a few times without even knowing it.

I indeed have asked myself many times how it can be worse now without porn than it was with porn. But I think, as @Sadgirl mentions, while being an active addict, my SO would usually browse and download porn on his phone whenever he had a free moment (he likes to be really close to each other, so porn + masturbation was rarely an option due to lack of privacy), so in a way he kept his porn-induced dopamine level constantly elevated, basically edging, and then have sex as the final release (it wasn't always like this but often I would assume). So maybe the current situation really is the side effects of rebooting, although it's been 8 months now since D-day but I can't know exactly how disciplined he's been with being 100% porn-free since then (there had been a few relapses looking at porn-wise that I know of).

I was also my SO's first 'real' sexual experience after he, like most other guys his age, started watching porn at 13 years old (he's almost 22 now) and slowly developed an addiction to it. Our relationship also started out in long-distance and (at that point I had no idea about his addiction, I thought it was normal for every guy to watch porn) he would ask me for "sexy pictures" and while we would Skype call each other we would regularly watch porn and fantasize together. So he's really done some damage (and I've been contributing to it later without knowing it) by having conditioned his brain during the most important years of developing one's sexual identity to associate sex with pixels on the screen or what they represent in terms of ideal sex and ideal female sexual appearance and sexual behavior.
(As for outfits

Spoiler

he likes the classic "vanilla" stuff, like nice lingerie, or school girl, nurse, stewardess, cop etc.

)

I know that my SO is still very attracted to me (when we would visit each other while in long-distance, we would sometimes have sex 3-4 times a day, although it was always temporary; we have been permanently living together for about one and half years now) I can tell by his physical reactions and how he talks to and behaves around me, but it just seems like it isn't always enough to act on because I can't compete with these deeply imprinted ideals of his porn-standards.

I would think that any male who is a certain age will naturally have a certain sex drive, which will be reflected by his desire for sex (or masturbation). I don't want to make any generalizations and I lack the relationship and life experience compared to people who have been together for many years but from what I've heard it usually seems like it's the man who wants to have sex every or every other day while the woman wants or needs a lot less. As of now, I can say that we have sex or some other kind of sexual interaction once to three times a week (he doesn't masturbate). Now I wouldn't really have a problem with that if I knew that it's really an accurate reflection of his sexual desire and not a result of sometimes suppressing his desire because he doesn't always feel like it will be exciting enough compared to what porn has to offer. I am demisexual, meaning that I generally don't have much of a sex drive unless it's focused towards a person that I care about and am emotionally attracted to. Which is also why I would never get bored of having sex with my SO. As said, I know I am quite limiting because of my own personality and not really being "adventurous" sexually (although porn isn't really a realistic representation of what it means to be sexually adventurous), so I am sure compatibility is definitely a factor too.

I guess I can only hope that further rebooting will reverse (some of) the damage that porn has done and that by communicating more about his sexual needs and taking things slow, with karezza for example, he will be able to relearn and completely rewire his sex drive towards a real person that he wants to be romantically and sexually intimate with.

 

I looked it up, but it doesn't seem to fit his situation. But thank you for your advice.

I think what a lot of people misunderstand about the term "demisexual" is that there is a difference between acting demisexual and being demisexual. I'm sure a lot of people will choose to only have sex with a person they are in love with, because of their own principles or for religious reasons. But that doesn't mean they still won't feel sexually tempted by other people based on their appearance. The way I identify as demisexual is that I completely lack the ability to feel any kind of physical sexual desire or sexual attraction based on a man's physical appearance (unless there is an emotional attraction before). I can look at an attractive man in underwear for example and I can acknowledge that he is attractive (just as I can with an attractive woman in underwear), but it doesn't trigger any kind of attraction whatsoever, I could just as well be looking at a nice tree. I also for a long time thought that saying "I am a woman" and saying that "I am demisexual" is basically the same thing (I never found this label for my sexuality until recently), but apparently it isn't, otherwise this term wouldn't be considered as an outside of the norm-sexuality (I think it's a sub-form of asexuality). I do think there is a tendency based on female biology to be attracted to a man's character traits over his physical traits (where are all the strip clubs for women? where are all the porn magazines for women? where are all the male prostitutes?) but I think generally, they still have the ability to also feel sexually attracted to a man's looks, even if that's not the first, instinctive focus of female attraction. I hope this clarifies things.

I thought of this too, and I'm sure that's also partly true. But I would still think that naturally a healthy male in his early 20s will have a relatively high sex drive. I also know from before we moved in together that he would have his morning and night "ritual" of masturbating (which we often shared together via sexting or Skype calls), so I think if he is able to masturbate once or twice a day, then he would also be able to have sex once or twice a day. This is I think where the Coolidge effect becomes evident, unless maybe I was able to offer him everything he wants sexually, which I can't based on, like said, my own personality and sexuality and the fact that I am just one woman. But maybe like you say, porn is just such an unnatural superstimulus that it's just not comparable to real life.

 

Spoiler

I agree about the first point but I think there is a difference between lingerie and sexy underwear. I think today's "regular" women's underwear can already count as being sexy. I mean, I don't wear granny panties or anything like that but actual lingerie is quite expensive and not always practical to wear on a daily basis.
I also agree with what you say about the uniform stuff, they are all revealing, sexy type of clothing and at the same time associated with a certain type of behavior, like submissive (school girl) or dominant (police woman) plus the "professional" physical contact aspect (like nurse). I think the problem is that outside of these outfits (which maybe become boring to him after having seen them on me once or twice), I can't really fit into these certain types of roles anymore, because I don't feel comfortable roleplaying something I'm not (at the maximum by dressing in a certain way that represents that kind of role/behavior to him)

Thank you for the insightful mansplaining. I also thought it was interesting what you said about men wanting to see their SO in dresses more often. I remembered that I once bought a shirt that my boyfriend picked for me and that I wouldn't necessarily have bought based on my own style, but when I wore it he basically jumped me to engage in sexytime. I think that dressing in a way that is surprising/special because of one's own same old style (maybe casual dresses are not so much in style anymore nowadays, so they seem like something special to wear) can also be a nice way to switch things up.

 

Thank you, that is exactly what I was asking. And I believe as you acknowledge yourself, it's not so easy or maybe even possible to answer that question on an upbeat. I think a lot of recovering PAs might be in a vulnerable position to fully admit that because they have just learned how much of a difference it makes to have sex with a person they care about, to share real intimacy through sex, compared to just masturbating to their favorite porn stars or paying an escort for sex. They have just learned (or rediscovered) the true, deeper meaning of sexual desire and sharing that with a person they love. But the problem is that thanks to nature, we (I'm saying we as human beings although that doesn't necessarily include me personally; as said before, I am a bit "broken" in terms of nature, although I don't consider it a bad thing) don't always want that kind of intimacy to be sexually satisfied. Now I'm not saying that we can't resist nature, especially when in a committed relationship, but I'm just trying to come to terms with the reality that complete sexual satisfaction is an illusion in a lot of relationships (of course that depends on a lot of different factors, I'm not trying to generalize), and I think I find it a bit unsettling, "scary" as you say, when thinking of the long-term consequences of such dissatisfaction (the level of dissatisfaction not only depending on nature but also on sexual compatibility, like libido, sexuality, sexual preferences, level of physical attraction etc), the more tempting a certain situation to satisfy a certain built-up sexual desire, the harder it will be to resist.

 

I can see why you would think that, but like said, our relationship is not sexless, it's just less sex than before he quit porn and masturbation. I also think the fact that we have a really close relationship helps to be more aware of what he's doing when he's at home.

I realize that this is all my inexperience and ignorance talking here, thank you for your post. I actually had no idea that there are biochemical reactions taking place in our body that make us want to be also biologically attached to someone, not just romantically. Then I'm guessing the choice for true love and "biological love/bonding" will always win over the biological need for sexual variety, as long as there aren't any deeper issues in the relationship and both partners feel sexually satisfied with each other (by also creating variety and excitement within their relationship every once in a while which probably happens naturally on some level, as other posts have pointed out already)

Maybe for me this is all more about fear of the unknown, not really being able to understand how my boyfriend (and most other people for that matter) think, in terms of attraction and finding attraction in porn. If my boyfriend was able to, without any feelings of guilt, look at millions of other women and actively get himself aroused by their appearance and by fantasizing about sexually being with them (I like to call it simulating cheating), then I ask myself what would stop him from just getting his sexual desires satisfied by a meaningless, random person, if he can't do it with porn anymore. If he is sexually attracted to big-breasted redheaded women, and he might find a sexually willing big-breasted redheaded woman, then who is to say that he won't just "use" her, like he would use a picture and his hand? Maybe this sounds all really silly which makes me feel silly, but I just can't seem to understand it on any level, based on how my own brain and body are naturally "programmed". I do understand there is a difference between a picture and a real person, but the end result (physical stimulation based on physical attraction based on physical appearance) is the same. I know my SO isn't the cheating kind, he's a handsome, smart, funny guy, but still never saw the attraction in meaningless sex and waited until he met me, but maybe that was all due to him having an outlet for his desires through porn. I can never know.