Alicia Unicorn
Fapstronaut
Summary: Boyfriend quit PM but still has a very strong (daily) obsession with BJs that he seems unwilling to give up, which puts pressure on me and the relationship. How can I motivate him to see the harm in this and motivate/help/support him to overcome it?
Dear valued NoFap Members,
First of all, thank you everyone for being on this forum and for fighting this very serious and harmful issue. Your posts have been very helpful and I have learned so much in the last few months! I will share a bit about the background of my relationship with my BF, the background of his addiction and his family background, my current situation with my boyfriend, and my question/concern. I would love your feedback! Thank you very much in advance and much love and virtual support to all who are fighting this battle, including those in relationships with someone who struggles.
Background on my relationship: My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. In the beginning I found out about his unhealthy relationship with P, but I didn't have a big problem with it at that time yet (even though I didn't like it) because I didn't know how harmful it was. But then I slowly learned more about it and the effects it had on him and on us, and I became very much against it. I said I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn all the time (it was almost every day) and so if he wanted to be with me he should stop. He agreed, but only to please me (he didn't see the harm in it back then and just thought it was something everyone did). He started doing it behind my back and when I found out, I was very hurt. He said he wouldn't do it anymore but wanted to read erotic stories instead so that he would have something. I didn't see the harm in that (yet) so I said okay, but then found out he was reading very messed up stories (about incest for example) and said I was no longer okay with that either. He said he would stop, but relapsed again with PM about a month later, and continued with it for more than a month before he told me. I was devastated because he lied in my face for an entire month. This is when he realized that it was a big problem and it needed to stop and because I saw he was sincere, I wanted to support him and decided to stay with him, even though he broke my trust (he had lied to me earlier about smoking weed when he said he stopped that).
BTW: I never asked him to stop these things: I always said that he has to choose what he feels is right for him, but that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who smokes pot every day, or watches porn. So it was up to him. And he did have a lot of negative side-effects from both (the side effects from the porn only came to light when he stopped but they were MUCH worse than from the smoking).
Background on BF's addiction: He has been severely addicted to porn since he was about 9 (he is now 27). He watched mostly BJ stuff, and had an obsession with BJs years before he ever got sexually active (around age 13/14 he was already quite obsessed with it). As a result of his addiction, he sexualized everyone from a young age (imagining having sex with them or them having sex with others). He thought this was normal. He thought he was just more kinky than others, and that others were boring. He sexualized people even when he wasn't attracted to them; literally everyone (male and female). This made him think he was bi (even though he never had feelings for guys), and I think this also caused him to start cross-dressing when he was in his early 20s (he also got into trans and sissy porn; not sure if this started before or after his crossdressing). His obsession with BJs in particular made him want it all the time, and he thought about it almost constantly. Everything reminded him of it, and if he expected it but didn't get it he would feel severely disappointed. If he hadn't had it for about 5 days to a week he would get depressed and pushy; he would feel it was time. Sometimes I did it just to get him to stop nagging me. Apparently his ex also had troubles with this and sometimes felt she was just there for that. If he could only have BJs then that would be fine for him. No other sex would be necessary. Obviously I consider this unhealthy.
BTW: Last night we were discussing what makes BJs so special and he said it might be because his mother was very dominant and so it turns him on when a woman is subservient. I tried to explain that I like being his equal and of course role play can be fun, but I am worried there is more to it in his case, so maybe working on the relationship with his mother (processing past hurt / forgiveness / setting clear boundaries with her and not letting her walk all over him (which she still does or tries)) could be really helpful. He got very upset; and re-stated how important BJs are to him and how he thinks that is perfectly acceptable.
BF's Family background: His older brother originally introduced him to porn. He had a very dominant and aggressive mother (she is a narcissist) and an emotionally incestuous relationship with her with a lack of boundaries and personal space (but no sexual abuse; just treating him more like a friend/partner than as a kid, trying to claim him and putting emotional burdens on him that were inappropriate for his age; she also fed him alcohol from when he was about 8; she also treated him as the golden child that could do no wrong, except when she had anger outbursts; and she always complimented him on superficial things like his looks instead of personal efforts). So a history of bad parenting. The rest of his family are a bit 'rough': they are quite misogynistic, normalize porn and sex, favor crude jokes etc.
Current situation: He is now about 75 days PM free. He is no longer sexualizing everyone he sees, but he still has a lot of instant thoughts or visualisations, also of strangers he sees (e.g. them giving him oral). I have stopped giving him oral for the 90 days, because it is a major trigger for him considering his history and I thought it would be interesting to see what would happen. I explained this to him at the beginning as well and he agreed (although of course reluctantly because he loves it so much). I am hoping he will get a healthier perspective on it because he wanted it all the time and this made me not enjoy it much anymore (I was and am not against it, but it shouldn't be a chore and should be done because I want it: it's a gift, not a requirement). But now that we are almost at the end of 90 days, he is putting a lot of pressure on me. Almost daily he talks about how he feels it is unfair that he should no longer want it, and that he thinks about it ALL the time now (the pressure is really building up for him - and because of that, for me too). Also he expects a big session on day 90 from me, even though I may not be in the mood, because he feels like I owe that to him as a 'reward'. And he resents me for trying to "change him" because he feels like I want him to not want it anymore. I have tried to explain (over and over) that it is not about not wanting it anymore, but about being able to live your life in the meantime and to be able focus on other things while no sex is happening; to live in the moment more and just enjoy oral when it happens and also enjoy life when it is not happening. And also to be able to enjoy each other whether I give him oral or not. (And to stop pressuring me, because that is not sexy and takes the fun out of it)
My question/concern: So I am wondering what to do... Am I doing/saying the right things? Should I ask different questions or explain it in a different way? Am I missing something? How can these obsessions be best approached to let them fizzle out? Will it even fizzle out at all? How do I motivate him to let go of this last obsession (and why could it be so persistent/resistant to change)?
It seems like his motivation to work on the BJ stuff is lacking, and I feel that this is hindering his progress, but I don't know how I can make this clear to him or help him or make it easier. Any advice is welcome! Many, many thanks in advance!
Dear valued NoFap Members,
First of all, thank you everyone for being on this forum and for fighting this very serious and harmful issue. Your posts have been very helpful and I have learned so much in the last few months! I will share a bit about the background of my relationship with my BF, the background of his addiction and his family background, my current situation with my boyfriend, and my question/concern. I would love your feedback! Thank you very much in advance and much love and virtual support to all who are fighting this battle, including those in relationships with someone who struggles.
Background on my relationship: My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. In the beginning I found out about his unhealthy relationship with P, but I didn't have a big problem with it at that time yet (even though I didn't like it) because I didn't know how harmful it was. But then I slowly learned more about it and the effects it had on him and on us, and I became very much against it. I said I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn all the time (it was almost every day) and so if he wanted to be with me he should stop. He agreed, but only to please me (he didn't see the harm in it back then and just thought it was something everyone did). He started doing it behind my back and when I found out, I was very hurt. He said he wouldn't do it anymore but wanted to read erotic stories instead so that he would have something. I didn't see the harm in that (yet) so I said okay, but then found out he was reading very messed up stories (about incest for example) and said I was no longer okay with that either. He said he would stop, but relapsed again with PM about a month later, and continued with it for more than a month before he told me. I was devastated because he lied in my face for an entire month. This is when he realized that it was a big problem and it needed to stop and because I saw he was sincere, I wanted to support him and decided to stay with him, even though he broke my trust (he had lied to me earlier about smoking weed when he said he stopped that).
BTW: I never asked him to stop these things: I always said that he has to choose what he feels is right for him, but that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who smokes pot every day, or watches porn. So it was up to him. And he did have a lot of negative side-effects from both (the side effects from the porn only came to light when he stopped but they were MUCH worse than from the smoking).
Background on BF's addiction: He has been severely addicted to porn since he was about 9 (he is now 27). He watched mostly BJ stuff, and had an obsession with BJs years before he ever got sexually active (around age 13/14 he was already quite obsessed with it). As a result of his addiction, he sexualized everyone from a young age (imagining having sex with them or them having sex with others). He thought this was normal. He thought he was just more kinky than others, and that others were boring. He sexualized people even when he wasn't attracted to them; literally everyone (male and female). This made him think he was bi (even though he never had feelings for guys), and I think this also caused him to start cross-dressing when he was in his early 20s (he also got into trans and sissy porn; not sure if this started before or after his crossdressing). His obsession with BJs in particular made him want it all the time, and he thought about it almost constantly. Everything reminded him of it, and if he expected it but didn't get it he would feel severely disappointed. If he hadn't had it for about 5 days to a week he would get depressed and pushy; he would feel it was time. Sometimes I did it just to get him to stop nagging me. Apparently his ex also had troubles with this and sometimes felt she was just there for that. If he could only have BJs then that would be fine for him. No other sex would be necessary. Obviously I consider this unhealthy.
BTW: Last night we were discussing what makes BJs so special and he said it might be because his mother was very dominant and so it turns him on when a woman is subservient. I tried to explain that I like being his equal and of course role play can be fun, but I am worried there is more to it in his case, so maybe working on the relationship with his mother (processing past hurt / forgiveness / setting clear boundaries with her and not letting her walk all over him (which she still does or tries)) could be really helpful. He got very upset; and re-stated how important BJs are to him and how he thinks that is perfectly acceptable.
BF's Family background: His older brother originally introduced him to porn. He had a very dominant and aggressive mother (she is a narcissist) and an emotionally incestuous relationship with her with a lack of boundaries and personal space (but no sexual abuse; just treating him more like a friend/partner than as a kid, trying to claim him and putting emotional burdens on him that were inappropriate for his age; she also fed him alcohol from when he was about 8; she also treated him as the golden child that could do no wrong, except when she had anger outbursts; and she always complimented him on superficial things like his looks instead of personal efforts). So a history of bad parenting. The rest of his family are a bit 'rough': they are quite misogynistic, normalize porn and sex, favor crude jokes etc.
Current situation: He is now about 75 days PM free. He is no longer sexualizing everyone he sees, but he still has a lot of instant thoughts or visualisations, also of strangers he sees (e.g. them giving him oral). I have stopped giving him oral for the 90 days, because it is a major trigger for him considering his history and I thought it would be interesting to see what would happen. I explained this to him at the beginning as well and he agreed (although of course reluctantly because he loves it so much). I am hoping he will get a healthier perspective on it because he wanted it all the time and this made me not enjoy it much anymore (I was and am not against it, but it shouldn't be a chore and should be done because I want it: it's a gift, not a requirement). But now that we are almost at the end of 90 days, he is putting a lot of pressure on me. Almost daily he talks about how he feels it is unfair that he should no longer want it, and that he thinks about it ALL the time now (the pressure is really building up for him - and because of that, for me too). Also he expects a big session on day 90 from me, even though I may not be in the mood, because he feels like I owe that to him as a 'reward'. And he resents me for trying to "change him" because he feels like I want him to not want it anymore. I have tried to explain (over and over) that it is not about not wanting it anymore, but about being able to live your life in the meantime and to be able focus on other things while no sex is happening; to live in the moment more and just enjoy oral when it happens and also enjoy life when it is not happening. And also to be able to enjoy each other whether I give him oral or not. (And to stop pressuring me, because that is not sexy and takes the fun out of it)
My question/concern: So I am wondering what to do... Am I doing/saying the right things? Should I ask different questions or explain it in a different way? Am I missing something? How can these obsessions be best approached to let them fizzle out? Will it even fizzle out at all? How do I motivate him to let go of this last obsession (and why could it be so persistent/resistant to change)?
It seems like his motivation to work on the BJ stuff is lacking, and I feel that this is hindering his progress, but I don't know how I can make this clear to him or help him or make it easier. Any advice is welcome! Many, many thanks in advance!
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Good luck !