How to get him to open up!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by djdcgc4, May 2, 2019.

  1. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone!

    Just got confirmation last night that PMO is what my SO and I are dealing with. I’m glad he felt safe enough to be honest...... but I’m wondering how to get him to open up more so I can better understand. I’m afraid inquiring too much will just cause stronger urges. Any tips?
     
  2. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    It is hard, and I am not sure there is a simple solution. The bottom line is that you can't fix him. Your support can be invaluable and immensely helpful, but ultimately it's his addiction and he has to really want to get rid of it. But.. for what it's worth, here's my opinion.

    He may not be able to see the problem until there are consequences that he believes are significant (I mean life-changing dead serious consequences), and it needs to be really clear to him that these are things that his addiction has made happen. Basically he should have nobody to blame but himself. It's hard, but I wonder if you need to be thinking about some questions - Are you prepared to stay with him if he can't (or won't) deal with this? Are there aspects of your shared life that you can't do because of his addiction (beyond having sex) - for example, would you have concerns about having female friends or relatives over to stay? How is it impacting on his life? What can't he do that he wants to be able to do? Does he suffer from the "brain fog"? Does he get anxious, or depressed? I guess you need to make it clear to him that this is not something you're prepared to tolerate, and that he's got a form of mental illness which is harming him, you, and your shared life.

    I think you're right that amplifying anger, shame and guilt could easily lead to his addiction escalating at least in the short term (they may well be part of the cause in the first place). But at the same time, part of the healing process will be getting this out into the light. If he's not ready do discuss it in detail with you, he can share stuff anonymously here (which may not be as good, but is certainly better than nothing).

    I am very, very sorry you're in this situation. You shouldn't have to deal with this. I hope what I've said helps, but if not then please do just ignore me.

    Blessings
     
    fuzzywaz, moonbeam34 and Bogo Biggins like this.
  3. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    I posted a response on another thread that explains “us” in a little more detail.

    I am certainly prepared to stay. Every aspect of our life is perfect. Seriously..... just no sexual desire. Before I asked him about the porn usage he was already taking measures to make it better and I know how much he loves me. This might be an ongoing struggle but I’m a fighter. Truth is I’m really not willing to risk loosing a man whom I know loves me to the core because of this. Might make some aspects of our relationship more difficult but every relationship has something that’s difficult right? We are fluent in every other way. I will support him always at every turn. A Howard Jones song line” success or failure will not alter it” for me this means success and failures of this struggle will never alter the love we share. Or at least I’m standing strong in this belief. :)
     
    moonbeam34 and CH3RRY like this.
  4. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    That is brilliant. I'm sorry if I misjudged the situation.
     
  5. moonbeam34

    moonbeam34 New Fapstronaut

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    Hello, can you explain "brain fog?"
     
  6. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Brain fog is what it feels like when your brain is constantly either over or understimulated. When you are a drug addict you're always either high or coming down, it's a bit like that. Reward centre all screwed up, really hard to focus on anything or concentrate. It's like everything is in a sort of fog. Not sure if that makes sense, but there will be plenty of other (better) explanations on here.
     
    moonbeam34 likes this.
  7. moonbeam34

    moonbeam34 New Fapstronaut

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    thabks
    Thanks, and it's a cause or consequence ? Both ?As I understand it this keeps one in the vicious circle...
     
  8. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Pretty much. Feel down, give in, pmo, feel worse... Brain fog throughout.
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  9. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

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    If you are up for a fight then maybe that is what it takes?
    My girlfriend confronted me, asked questions, probed and ground me down over a period of weeks until I broke and cried infront of her and everything came out into the open.
    At this point she totally changed and now we are rebuilding together.
     

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