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How to Get to 90 Days

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Meshuga, Oct 12, 2021.

  1. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    Spend any amount of time here on NoFap and you'll discover, the average fapstronaut active in the forums is
    1. Overtly enthusiastic about quitting, and vocal about their disgust for P and the negative impact on their life
    2. Struggles to sustain a streak longer than a week
    Logically one can only conclude, either the average fapstronaut is lying about their commitment, or P is one hell of a drug. Having been addicted and disgusted with P my entire adolescence and adult life, I know it's the latter. Raw statistics say in any endeavor, whether it be athletics, wealth accumulation, or quitting porn, a tiny fraction of participants will own the vast majority of success. It's a fact of life I personally don't like but can accept, but in the case of P addiction, that's just so damn sad. Quitting P is prohibitively difficult, we all either already know that or are about to find out, but I can't stand by and let statistics do their work. I want every one of us to beat the odds, and this is my contribution to your success.

    If you haven't already, I strongly encourage you to read up on NoFap's Porn Addiction Basics and YBOP's Rebooting Basics. If you have read them, but it's been a while and you've been struggling to quit, perhaps you should read them again. You may have missed something the first time around, or maybe with your experience, an old piece of information will resonate. In the meantime, I'm emphasizing some parts and airing my opinions on some others.

    1. Plan your reboot. This begins with anticipating discomfort, and anticipating resets, and making a choice about what to do when that happens. Chances are you are accustomed to O at least once a day, if not more. When you suddenly stop M, your testicles overproduce for a while and it hurts. Your addiction will insist you need to shake hands with the bishop and fix that (didn't work for me btw, was sore as ever & also had regret). In that moment you get to make a choice; go with the addiction, or the reboot. Then you're going to have to keep choosing that over and over and over again, because your addicted mind is a petulant child and will not stop whining just because you told it "no." Reboot is also psychologically distressing. Odds are you began using PMO as a coping mechanism for some other problem in your life. Quit PMO, and as the fog clears, you find you have the addiction and that original problem to deal with. Stress from quitting and from the casual outrages of life are triggers. You need to know that's coming, and have a plan with contingencies to deal with that stress. You need a plan to replace the dopamine you're losing from PMO, and how to ID and avoid your triggers, and work through them when they come.
    2. Consider ADHD. 30% of addicts, that's not just porn but across the board, have ADHD. If you consider yourself addicted, there's a decent chance you have it too. You might think about getting screened for it because if you do have it, you can get meds or simply be aware of that complicating factor. I can't say the meds helped me directly, but they did help reduce stress, which cut down on triggers.
    3. Don't compromise with your addiction. This is where I depart from NoFap and YBOP. They both say you can do whatever, so long as you avoid artificial sexual stimulation. I have attempted reboot with real S and one mostly without. Guess which one was successful? It's not that real S is toxic pr problematic or anything like that. As an addict, though, your relationship with S is probably compromised. Your brain experiences a little influx of dopamine from a sexual trigger, and it knows where to get more so it asks for more. Chaser effect is very real, and it sends you off on your addicted pattern. I know that most of us are here because we want S, and P has blocked us from that in one way or another, but we have to understand that healing takes time. There will be plenty of time to fix our relationship with S, after reboot. I don't think it's a coincidence that the forum is filled with guys asking about P without M, or M without P, or M without O, or O through all manner of alternate routes like phone S, prostitutes, or casual hookups, and also filled with guys who can't get past 7 days. In my educated opinion, it's better to learn to live without S before learning to live with it.
    4. Take control of your thoughts. I've described this process a lot over the last three months, because it's a common problem. Your brain asks for PMO by prompting you with erotic thoughts. As you get more sensitive, the most innocuous images, sounds, and phrases send you into a tailspin. Elaborate and intense sexual fantasies pop into your head from seemingly out of nowhere. Old scenes you'd forgotten years ago spring into your mind. Your brain wants dopamine, it wants it now, and it knows how to get it. It won't leave you alone, and you need a way to get around it because you can white knuckle it only for so long. The way to get around it is to think of something else. Don't punish yourself over those thoughts, and don't worry about them. You don't have control over them, and worry only makes you want to reset. Instead, have something ready to think about when sexual thoughts come up. I write fiction as a hobby, so I had plot and dialogue to plan. I also thought about how to plan my day. I also had spiritual and philosophical questions to mull over. I am still tempted to think about S and why I am obsessed with it and how I can fix that, but I'm still too close to the addiction to deal with that right now. It's been over twenty years after all, it's not like three months is going to magically fix that. And maybe my attitude/method is suppressive and it'll all come back to bite me if I don't deal with it properly. However, I know this method has gotten me this far. I think what I have done is a necessary step toward a full resolution.
    5. Journal, and stay engaged with the community. Another frequent problem is complacency, boredom with the reboot. Three months is a long time, and some get tired, overconfident, even lazy with the reboot, and then they slip. I journal every day. I try not to make it too long, but it keeps me engaged with rebooting in general, and my own personal reboot. I also answer questions, or just read others to remind myself of the stakes. It doesn't take long to remember P addiction is a big deal, and I would rather never O again than go back to that life.
    6. One weird trick to deal with night time erections. This really is a strange one, and it may only work for me, but it's worth looking into: wear clothes to bed. This habit of mine started in Basic Training. I was used to sleeping in boxers only, but sleep uniform in BCT was PT shorts and shirt. All of the guys noticed a lack of morning wood, and many expressed concern about it. They suspected we received a suppressive injection between all the other inoculations in Reception Battalion. I thought it was just the extreme exhaustion from constant activity and maintaining a state of high alert, with the sleep deprivation and the novel environment. Whatever it was, BCT/AIT (it was actually OSUT, but probably none of this means anything to you anyway) was the longest I went without fapping until NoFap, and I wasn't even trying. I slept in a t-shirt and boxers from then on out of habit, but sometimes flannel pants as well. I've also never had a problem with wet dreams. Fast forward to this most recent reboot, I wore clothes without even thinking about it, and counted myself lucky that I didn't have severe morning wood or NE like a lot of other guys report. Then, two months in, my SO decided she wanted to play and I wound up spending the night without pants. Erotic dreams and morning wood was awful. A few weeks later we just cuddled skin to skin, I slept without the shirt, same problem. When I sleep in t-shirt and pj pants, I can have erotic dreams but I don't get the extreme physical reaction, and my morning wood is greatly reduced and goes away quickly. I don't know, just something to consider.

    TL;DR
    Reset rate is high. Read NoFap and YBOP basics. Anticipate pain and psychological distress, and plan for crisis moments and dopamine replacement. You might have ADHD. Don't try to figure out how close you can get to using erotic stuff during reboot while still technically staying on the program; get as far away from S as possible, until the reboot is complete. Instead of thinking about P and S, think about something else. Stay engaged and be more efficient in your reboot by journaling every day. If you have wicked bad NE and morning wood, try wearing a t-shirt and pj pants to bed.

    I hope this helps some of you in your own journey. Feel free to ask questions.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2021
    Ketherlonk, tmsx, Akbarmagnus and 4 others like this.
  2. Basilio

    Basilio Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing your experience and message. Also, congrats on 100 days!

    I'll definitely have to try your last method with sleeping with clothes on. I can see how that would reduce the nighttime erections.
     
    Revanthegrey and Meshuga like this.
  3. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    I'm curious to know if it works for other people as well. Never know, could be a previously under appreciated technique.
     
    Revanthegrey and Basilio like this.
  4. Godomentic

    Godomentic Fapstronaut

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    TLDR?
     
  5. Solid.

    The only place I part ways with you is relative to no-PM vs. no-PMO. While I agree that the brain has entangled sex with PMO, it is possible to have a "No PM" recovery, and I think the benefits are still possible.

    Either way, thanks for posting this- I think it will benefit a lot of newbies. I especially agree with your comments about success rate. For most (including me), this is the hardest thing that we'll ever do in our lives, and it would be so easy to just give up.
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  6. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    Sure, I know that's possible, I've heard of a few guys who made this happen. Most of them were either single men with relatively short and light addictions, or married guys rebooting with their wives. In the case of the latter, they usually tried for Hardmode, but had S right about the 60 day mark. Seems the guys get used to practicing patience and discipline, but their SOs don't. This is what happened to me as well. However, I think there's an important psychological distinction between being willing to sacrifice and change your posture toward S, and simply serving time in PMO prison until you allow yourself to have the exact same type of objectifying, transactionary, entertainment based S that we're addicted to through P.

    I didn't say in the OP because, as @Godomentic suggests, it's long as hell; I tried rebooting four years ago and had frequent S with my SO, and I don't think it worked very well. I got to some 78 days or something, and I was more physically sensitive and enjoying some benefits, but I think my brain was still using her in an addicted fashion and I wasn't learning how to cope with life without regular dopamine overdose. Of course I changed multiple things this year as opposed to then, but I think the main one was not having S until that later date, and not going at it like a couple teenagers after.
     
  7. TexasDachshund13

    TexasDachshund13 Fapstronaut

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    Great post. I like your idea about dealing with night time erections.
     
  8. I totally respect the viewpoint, and I think that when it comes to recovery, a "whatever it takes" kind of approach is needed. In my case "PM-only" is working so far. If it stops working, I'll have to change up the game. Cheers!
     
  9. tmsx

    tmsx Fapstronaut

    Very important. Thank you
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  10. MindPrograms

    MindPrograms Fapstronaut

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    A helpful mindset: Get there from day 1. Adjust your perspective in a way that it's already done. See yourself inevitably at the 90day mark rather than counting days on one by one.
    Keep your focus on the goal.
     
    tmsx and Meshuga like this.
  11. Arnulf

    Arnulf Fapstronaut

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    You say you tried rebooting for 4 years, but only got to 78 days. Be that as it may, it sounds like you've had some solid streaks. Don't you feel like you've made some solid recovery in all this time, even if you slipped up a few times? Or are those relapses in between long streaks really enough to keep you on the same level as when you used PMO as a drug regularly? It seems so extreme!
     
  12. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    I’ve had up to a 129 day streak. I am more competent starting around 30 days. I feel more confident about 60 days. If I screw up I take a while to recover, this last time I reverted to square one. I took a long break from quitting on my psychologist’s recommendation because my inability to maintain a streak was, he thought at the time, negatively impacting my self worth. Now, having seen my improvement with a long streak, he’s in my corner on this no P thing.

    Yeah, it’s a crazy difference.
     

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