How to help my wife? She's feeling so low

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BlankTheWank, Jul 18, 2022.

  1. BlankTheWank

    BlankTheWank New Fapstronaut

    Hello all, first post here. Sorry for the length here. To give some background my wife and I have been married for 4 years, together for over 7. We both occasionally watched porn together, and I know we've both said that we individually watch it, but rarely. A year after we started dating I started working from home. This is when I started watching it more regularly and in hindsight it definitely had a negative impact on our sex life. I stopped working from home after one year, and I stopped watching porn as regularly (but looking back it was still a problem) and I believe our sex life improved but not entirely.

    I started working from home again when the pandemic hit and I started watching porn more regularly again and it absolutely had a negative impact on our sex life. Since then she's raised concerns about our sex life and intimacy probably a half dozen times and I didn't do enough to work towards improving it. In fact I don't think I realized the impact porn was having on us until really last week when my wife told me she wants a divorce. She left and is staying at her parents house. This sent me into a spiral of how I could have let this happen, and the reality that hit me hard is that I had become addicted to porn and let it destroy my marriage.

    I believe more than anything she wants a deep connection, and intimacy and a strong sex life is a huge part of it for her. In that regard I've completely failed her, and to be honest she deserves so much better. I'm sure there could have been a better way to do this, but I sent her an email explaining that I believe I have an issue with porn, and that I had started watching it more regularly. I explained that it's not her fault, it's mine. That I believe I've convinced myself in my head that she wouldn't want to do the things that I think about sexually, even though I've never brought this up and how unfair that is. That I'm scheduling time with a therapist (which I have which starts next week).

    She is already very sensitive about her body, and believes she has body dysmorphia. Not surprisingly telling her about my porn use has hit her hard. She explained how broken and betrayed she feels, and how much it hit her self-esteem, and how unattractive it makes her feel. Reading this back, I just feel so ashamed and like such an asshole. The worst part is she is so attractive, and beautiful, and takes such good care of herself. I never lost my attraction to her, I constantly find myself just staring at her.

    Ultimately I'm starting my NF journey, and will be working with a therapist. I'm going to do everything I can to help myself get better and be a better man. But I feel like I've really hurt her deeply and it's killing me. The addiction isn't about her or her appearance. I'm not entirely sure where it comes from, but I feel absolutely sure it isn't rooted in how I feel about her or my attraction towards her.

    Is there anything I can say or do to assure her it isn't anything that is wrong with her? I don't know if my marriage will survive this, but no matter what I want to make sure she's ok.
    lord help me and kropo82 like this.
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Helping her heal is a great dvd, Worthy of her Trust is a good book, Out of the doghouse is good. Maybe suggesting she go see a csat for betrayal trauma. You have damaged her. You have betrayed her in a way that is really hard to describe. Her brain has changed due to this. Just as yours has changed due to your addiction. She will have to do her own work to heal from the pain you have caused. The best thing you can do is get into recovery and never relapse or lie to her.
    hope4healing, kropo82 and ANewFocus like this.
  3. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

    I’m sorry for the pain that yo and your wife are going through. I can tell that you really love her and regret doing what you’re doing/done. I look forward to seeing you around here daily, hearing how things go with your therapist/CSAT and your journey. It’s a difficult one and you’ll want to surround yourself by as many positive forces as possible and the same goes for your wife.
    hope4healing and kropo82 like this.
  4. TiredOfFailing

    TiredOfFailing Fapstronaut

    I wouldn't focus on that. Instead, I'd be honest with her that it's more than just an issue it's an addiction, and when you first started consuming it, you didn't realize that you were becoming more addicted. Like when people start smoking cigarettes they never think they're addicted and can quit at any time. If I was in your shoes, I'd tell her I understand how hurt she is, she deserves to be, you feel like you failed your soulmate, but you will put your whole heart and soul into beating this addiction, and you would agree to any conditions she'd have to monitor your computer use.
    BruceWayne123 likes this.
  5. justaboutdone

    justaboutdone Fapstronaut

    Its one thing to say all those things to her...that she deserves better, you want to make it work, that you'll stop... its entirely another to follow through.
    If you can't or won't stop, do both of you a favor and let her go. Its a vicious ugly cycle that has no end and just leads to the same outcome, except you destroy the person you love the longer you wait and continue to lie.
    She doesn't deserve that.
    BrokenHeart 2 likes this.
  6. BruceWayne123

    BruceWayne123 Fapstronaut

    Hey man,

    sorry you’re going through this it is really tough. I’ve told my fiancé about my porn addiction and she had a similar reaction like your wife but things have improved significantly. The main things I focused on where:

    1. Making sure she understands that this is an addiction and has no way to do with her. I told her that I felt it was important to come clean and that I am 100% committed to leaving this habit behind. That you hid this from her because you were deeply ashamed and embarrassed to tell her, but porn addiction gets worse in secrecy and that you know how bad it is for you. I emphasized this part that I actually hated it and it wasn’t what I stood for as a person.

    2. I constantly and consistently was adamant that she is the woman I want to be with and that I see no reality where I choose to not be with her.

    3. I really used this forum to get my shit together and get consistent. For me the start was hitting the gym every morning to do some cardio and cold showers. Cardio is great. It balances your brain and I feel like you sweat off all the “bad juju” that porn leaves on you.

    One of the worse things with porn addiction is that you let yourself go and your part we DEFINITELY picks up on it. Women can sense these things, and she will also sense that you are taking care of yourself again and taking consistent positive action in your life. This was probably the biggest thing that has helped my part we re-build her trust in me as a man.

    I hope this helps. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS JOURNEY. Feel free to use this forum and community to help you become the best version of yourself, irregardless of what happens with you wife.

    good luck and sending my support!

  7. BrokenHeart 2

    BrokenHeart 2 Fapstronaut

    I'm not trying to be rude but are you really trying to help your wife or are you just trying to help yourself and get her to come back home? It seems she has done the best thing for her so why keep bothering her?
    RUNDMC likes this.
  8. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

    If you are serious…. You will need to hold her pain and understand that she will be living a rollercoaster of emotions. You will need to be able to get ahold of your shame and not put it on her. You’ll need to work with a CSAT therapist for years on the root of this addiction. You will need to understand that your wife may have 10 or 100 triggers a day. You will need to get over the shame you feel when she has these moments and hold her hand through it all and take the yelling and the pain she throws at you. You will need to ALWAYS be transparent and truthful. If you tell a lie, you will need to tell her within 24hours. She has lost so much trust and you will need to build it back brick by brick. You will need good men who are in recovery to help you along the way. You will need accountability partners. You will need to do this for YOU because YOU hate having this in your life.

    And your sweet poor wife…. She will need women who have walked this to talk to. She will need therapy from a real safe CSAT. She might need group therapy classes where they explain about the dopamine and she will see there are perfect 10 ladies in there going through the same thing as her. She is so injured. It’s a horrible life we wake up to and are reminded about every morning. It’s going to be a very long journey and a lot of work for both of you. You need to make sure you are up for it before telling her you are, and ping ponging back and forth.
  9. Gemini9005

    Gemini9005 Fapstronaut

    Understandable that from your perspective you don't want to lose her, make things right again and work towards not being governed by this addiction.

    But tbh, I don't think anyone can really assume what's best for you, your wife or you both as a couple. Everyone is so unique, the only real way you'll know what the right solution is (if that's the word), is to ask her what she wants and to respect that. If she says that a divorce is her definitive answer, surely respecting that is the most loving thing you could do? Conversely, if she does reconsider and sees a future with you, at least that'll be based on a decision she's come to without being pressured in to it, from which you can then work together to try and resolve things.

    Either way, you won't know until you ask her and allow her to make that decision for herself.

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