how to let go off the shame of the gay sex

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by recoome, Jul 14, 2020.

  1. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    i feel ashamed of the gay sexual activites that i've had. i dont want to own them up. its easy to blame them on the abuse. maybe its factual. i feel ashamed of all the gay encounters that i've had and some of them were very pornish.

    watching self help videos on moving on, self acceptance, letting go, regret... nothing really works. have been doing that for years.
     
  2. DrabToLight

    DrabToLight Fapstronaut

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    Hey @recoome ,

    I read your profile. It doesn't say if you are straight or gay.

    As a straight man, I am very confident in my sexuality. I have family and friends that are gay and have no problem telling anyone who will listen that they are as normal as the rest of us - and that even puts into consideration how insane the rest of us can act sometimes.

    If you are straight and have had a few gay encounters, you are still straight.

    If you are gay and don't want to own up to it, I suggest professional help. You cannot change the world but, you can refuse to let the world shame you.

    -D2L

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  3. As someone who was also abused/manipulated as a young child I can understand your predicament, as it also gave me thoughts of being gay. I escalated to gay porn during my dark days of addiction, all for the fact that I wanted to know what it was I had done as a child, and I eventually used apps to communicate with other men in sexual ways. I eventually went and had a sexual encounter with a man, that was probably the best and worst thing I have done for my psyche, I confronted it and came to a decision on who I really was, which is a straight male, but also now I had another gay related sexual thought in the "bank". I don't regret what I did, and neither should you, but it sounds like you need some help to understand what has happened, to learn to accept that you are either gay or that your past abuse has had a major effect on what you see as either sexual, or curiosity. We all live with what has happened with our past, especially the horrible moments for they shape our awareness and anxieties and various other aspects of our adult minds, but don't allow them to rule your mind. I'm currently reading a great book called Going Deeper by Eddie Capparucci, its all about how our inner child affects our sexuality as we get older, its worth a read and it gets you actually thinking and writing stuff down, may be worth a shot, if you get one thing from it then it would be worth it.

    Good luck friend!
     
  4. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    i identify as a straight guy. i just keep on thinking what life would've been without the abuse. i struggle each moment. m in therapy n support group but it's not helpful. i just want to be at peace, but its not happening. i've downloaded that book.

    i feel owned. like stockholm syndrome.

    part of me wants my abuser n bully to suffer. but that doesnt happen.
     
  5. I understand your thoughts, I have had the same ones to some extent, I don't want my abuser to suffer as he was only a child a couple years older than me himself and confused about his sexuality, so that's probably different but the same as your abuse at the same time. It's all about forgiving yourself, it wasn't your fault this happened, it's yours to have to deal with, but it's not because of you that this has happened. In accepting what happened and beginning to learn from it you will come to understand the abuse, how you feel about it and how you can get away from it's constant reminder through your out of control sexual behaviour.

    I suggest finding a new therapist, you can ask for another therapist from the same firm/charity if that is where you see them, it's fully in your rights, otherwise find someone else who may help you. It may take ten different therapists to help you, you need to find one that you click with, one you can challenge and discuss in great detail. I am lucky to have found that in my therapist, I assure you that it is key. I wouldn't talk to a stranger about my addiction, yet I speak to my friends, and that is how I feel with my therapist. I get on with her like a friend, but we discuss the depths of my psyche in serious and sometimes joking ways, it's a big help to coming to terms with your abuse and your current problem. I don't know where you are from but in my town in the UK there's a company called Relate, I think they are nationwide so you can probably find them where you're from if you're in the UK.

    I hope this helps some. I'm no therapist, but I have gone through this and come out a whole new person, but I am still learning myself as time goes on. I do suggest getting the book physically though, then you get away from screen of your phone or pc/laptop whilst reading, it helps me alot!
     
  6. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    yeah i've downloaded the book and have started reading it. i just cant forget the smile. the smile of betrayal that 'how i've fooled him.' the smile of my bully who pretended to be my friend. its a scary smile.
     
    Ray_of_Sunshine likes this.
  7. One you'll remember forever, but one you will conquer and one day smile back and say "you have no power over me anymore"
     
  8. Cloudstephen

    Cloudstephen Fapstronaut

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    Been here. I'm no psychiatrist but I believe that if you're still angry with your abuser, you're definitely not yet healed from the abuse.

    Anyway, as for me, what made me get over the abuse was that I went back as an adult to what had happened to me. I don't know but it was some sort of closure I guess.

    Thing is, growing up, I just tried to erase that dreadful memory from myself, just to realize that it is not how things work.

    Erasing your memory won't do the trick, going back there as an adult set me free from my shame and guilt.
    I guess, the best thing I made myself to do there was to let myself be vulnerable and accepted everything.

    "the eventual acceptance of that person who abused me when I was a child and God that was emotionally liberating on my part"
    - Lifted from my blog
     
    PeterNF.01 and recoome like this.
  9. SynapticMagic

    SynapticMagic Fapstronaut

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    I've been through sexual abuse and extreme bullying myself, so I know what it's like to be constantly assaulted by these memories. It's almost like the original assault is being repeated over and over. There is a path out of this. There is always hope. It's a long process, and a difficult one, but try to find solace in the fact that there is a process and it will yield results.

    I often find that understanding how the brain works can help give you enough hope to carry on. It also adds to the advice given by those self-help videos because it actually makes us aware of the mechanism through which these techniques work. Below, I'll describe the process of memory reconsolidation and how it ties into meditation.

    Whenever we remember something we activate the neural network responsible for cataloging that memory within the brain. What this allows for is the reconsolidation of that memory with whatever we're experiencing in the moment that we are doing the remembering. So, if you intentionally change your emotional state when you remember your trauma, you reconsolidate that trauma with the emotions of your choosing.

    This is often why meditation is such a powerful technique. To really go into all the many, many facets of meditation here would make this post as long as several books, so I won't do that. However, one of the things that may happen the deeper you get into a meditation session, is that your subconscious mind offers you up increasingly negative memories. What you'll often hear from meditation coaches is that whenever you become aware of your mind wandering, you must accept whatever you're thinking about non-judgmentally, and return your attention to the breath. The reason for doing this is because by focusing on breathing slowly, you relax the body, which causes you to reconsolidate whatever you were thinking about with the experience of breathing slowly, having a relaxed body, and so being relaxed.

    Over time, through consistent meditation, you remove the emotional charge associated with these memories. You can think about these events and begin to see them from a more detached, distant perspective. It can also be helpful to imagine the emotional charge you experience with these memories exiting your body with the breath while you meditate. Visualization is a powerful tool that allows us to put ourselves in a sort of observer position, so that we see the trauma and how it feels in the body from an outsiders perspective. When you visualize the emotional charge or energy associated with your trauma exiting the body you begin to see it as an object, a thing that you can manipulate. This also helps you gain power over it.

    Also, think of detachment as the following. Being attached to our trauma is like being a fish inside water. The fish is completely at the will of the water surrounding it. Being detached from our trauma is like a person holding the fish bowl. They see the water from the outside, they see it's edges, it's shape, and most importantly, they see that it is finite. Learn to look at your trauma from the outside, rather than as an all-encompassing force that you live within.
     
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  10. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    Going back to the memory as an adult sounds helpful.

    When I see my past as a third person, I see a victim. I dont mind admitting i was one. I was one and should've complained to the authorities that I was being bullied. I was embarrassed about complaining because embarrassed to call myself a victim.

    But the bully was downright cruel. I hope they suffer a fate worse than death.
     
    Cloudstephen likes this.
  11. Accept who you are. Don't value other people's opinions too highly. If they are useful to you, keep them. If they aren't useful to you, discard them and do your stuff.
     
  12. diaspar

    diaspar Fapstronaut

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    There's something called the "healing code" which may help, even though it may seem a bit "out there" at first. If you Google it you should be able to quickly find enough information to do it. I used to do it a lot even though I never even read the book about it. It helped me cope with feelings of shame.
     
    recoome likes this.
  13. Envoy-ofthe-End

    Envoy-ofthe-End Temporarily Suspended

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    Bruh once a man touches your schlong you are NOT straight. Either you like only women or you don't. The only reason is if you got abused sexually as a child then it was against your will so that doesn't count. I've never heard of a gay guy said he's straight, just the thought of them with a female makes them cringe.

    OP, if you feel ashamed then that means you know deep down that what you're doing is immoral. Porn counts as inmorality too btw and straight relationships can also be immoral. For you, for me and for humanity, there is no bandaid other than seeking true healing.

    Wish you the best.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 14, 2020
    Chris_Cactusblossom and recoome like this.
  14. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    You have to let it go buddy. Hating and wishing evil on you abuser just keeps it alive in you. I’m sure he doesn’t give a thought to how he affected you. He doesn’t suffer from your anger, you do. The past is gone, the future doesn’t exist yet. You only have the moment you live in. Make the best, most positive decisions now that will make you happy, now. good luck.
     
    recoome likes this.
  15. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    I just would've been more stable had the past not happened. All these issues wouldnt have happened. therapy, support group, watching tons of videos on regret... these things are supposed to happen to other people or to people on tv. not to you...
     
  16. DrabToLight

    DrabToLight Fapstronaut

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    @Envoy-ofthe-End , I assume "Bruh" means me?

    @Envoy-ofthe-End - I call shenanigans and homophobic baiting.

    @recoome (the OP), the idea that a man can experiment and suddenly become gay is nonsense.

    Again, you did not say in your OP if you are straight or gay. If you are straight, then you are straight. You can be straight and confused due to early abuse. But there is no way to break the fundamental structure of your mind.

    Sexuality is on a spectrum. Yet, still, very few people exactly on the bi-sexual line. The vast majority of people are either straight or gay.

    @Envoy-ofthe-End , "Balls!", said the queen, "if I had two I'd be King!"

    @recoome , if you are feeling shame it is because of the BS spread by our society that being gay is a sin. Do not fall into that trap. St. Paul (Saul of Tarsus), the man who reinvented and spread a new version of Christianity called Pauline Christianity (the version practiced by every Christian denomination in the world) himself was gay and encouraged men not to marry. (I Corinthians 7:1, 7:8 NIV). St. Paul was unmarried and in the KJV version it simply says men should remain as he is (ie unmarried) - St. Paul (Saul of Tarsus) was gay.

    My point is that if the very earliest Christians wrestled with this same issue, you @recoome should not feel bad at having the same thoughts.

    @Envoy-ofthe-End - I am a very spiritual person. I believe religion is for people afraid of going to hell and spirituality is for people who have already been there. I take no protest with you being religious. I do take exception to you telling a person who might be gay that they are immoral and that turning to God will cure them.

    It will not and that has been proven over and over again. All it will do is drive some gay people to despair and perhaps even suicide. So, kindly, keep that nonsense to yourself.

    NoFap is a science-based secular program. Read the NoFap Mission Statement below.

    -- D2L

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    Last edited: Jul 19, 2020
    Furrious likes this.
  17. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    The thoughts of gay sex freak me out now. it feels like an electric shock to the body. as opposed to how it felt in childhood. all the bullying i went through, the nervous breakdown, it all wouldnt have happened had the past been different... :( i feel the bullies own me.
    i wish i had shouted back when the abuse had happened.
     
    Chris_Cactusblossom likes this.
  18. DrabToLight

    DrabToLight Fapstronaut

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    You are 100pct normal. We are all shaped by our past.

    My experience, strength, and hope is this:

    1. Of course NoFap can help.
    2. See professional therapy. It is not a weakness to admit you need it. It is simply taking care of yourself.

    You are not crazy. Millions of males have gone through what you have gone through. If there is help available, why not seek it?
     
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  19. Envoy-ofthe-End

    Envoy-ofthe-End Temporarily Suspended

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    Homophobic... right you sound pretty weak. Considering all the crap you just spilled. Definitely reaffirms the fact you yourself aren't straight.
     
  20. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    yes i'm into therapy. no amount of wishful thinking can change the past. it hurts when people say, get over it... move on... as if there's some magic wand that could help me move on...

    all the bullying n shit i went through because of this...
     

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