How to proceed after a date (need advice from men in reboot or women dating men who are

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by modernstore99, Oct 24, 2018.

If a girl wants to have sex but I'm in a reboot, I should...

  1. say I'm rebooting and can't have any sexual contact.

    4 vote(s)
  2. say I'm rebooting so I can do anything sexual that doesn't involve my me getting pleasured.

    4 vote(s)
  3. ask for oral since I'm not sure if I can finish and it's more likely that way

    1 vote(s)
  4. have sex even if I don't know if I can get hard/finish

    3 vote(s)
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    I need some advice from guys who have tried having sexual interactions during a reboot, or girls who dated a guy or had a longterm relationship with one while he was in a reboot.

    Hello all. I'm going on a date (kind of, more just a hangout while eating dinner) in a few days. I'm guessing this girl likes me a lot because she asked me to hang out, and when I said I was busy at the time she wanted to go out, she was persistent in finding a new time. I don't wanna jump the gun or assume too much, but I'm not sure what to do if she wants to get physical after the date (or after another date if this one goes well). I'm on Day 10, and I think I'm starting to feel the flatline (not nearly as many erections as a couple weeks ago, lazy, tired, anxious), but I'd feel that it would be pretty shitty to like deny her from anything. I'm thinking I have 4 options

    1. Tell her I can't have any type of sexual contact, even with her, since I'm in my reboot. I don't like this option a lot because I feel like she just won't want to date a guy who won't touch her/she may feel I'm not attracted to her or don't wanna go on more dates.

    2. Tell her we can do anything as long as it doesn't involve my dick. I like this option better, but still not too much, because I want to please her and make her feel good, but I feel like the urges/blue balls from being with her without release will be really painful and not great. However, I'm not sure if I'll be able to get an erection at all since I'm likely in my flatline, but I'm fairly confident I could (I get 5/10 erections typically and I'm feeling kinda horny).

    3. Tell her what my deal is with DE and try to have sex. This is my second favorite option. The last time I tried to have sex I could get hard, although only like 8/10, and I could not finish, but that was about 6 months ago, and I feel like I have cut down on my PMO since then. I have not yet isolated if my symptoms are from PIED, DE, or Death Grip, but I'm pretty sure it's Death Grip, and since I've been PMOing pretty lightly in the last month and a half , if my problem was Death Grip, it should be significantly healed by now. If it works and I finish then hooray, but if it doesn't it'll be extremely embarrassing for her and me, so this is why it's not my top option.

    4. If she wants to have sex, ask for a blowjob/handjob. I like this option best because
    It's easy for me to reciprocate
    She be able to stimulate me a lot more and under more control than regular sex
    I can direct? (don't know if that's the right word) her to what feels good because of obvious reasons
    I'll tell her before about my DE, so if it doesn't work, I'll know that my problem is really bad and I need to go Hard Mode, and she would probably be less embarrassed about me not finishing if we had sex.
    If it does work, we can try and have sex next time, and if sex that time doesn't work, she can acclimate me with oral a few times and then go into sex.

    If anyone has been dating during a reboot lmk what you think is best. P isn't ruining my life and I just want to be able to perform with a girl in bed, so being able to finish with a girl is my main priority (I'm jus not concerned about social anxiety, talking to girls, wasting time with P/M, being responsible, I just want a relationship). I just want to fast-track being with a girl. If I heal slower but can be with a girl then idc. Ik this post is long but thanks for reading.

    Honestly, they're all good options. I haven't had sex during my reboot, but I can tell you that the few times I last tried having sex with my wife I lost interest pretty quickly. That might have as much to do with the person as it did with any PIED on my part. She's clearly interested in you as she wants to spend time with you, and assuming you're comfortable enough with her (which it reads like), being open and up-front about your ED is good. Worst-case, she turns out to be a shallow-arsed size-queen, and frankly, nobody has time for that.

    I've voted for the 'oral/oral' and 'you keep your pants on' options. Mutual oral fun is good because it's clearly an escalation, but it saves sex for later and allows you to gauge how your recovery is coming along. You not putting your dick in the equation has always been a favoured option of mine - a majority of women I've been involved with have been unable to pleasure me so I don't even bother with it. I also used to have issues with putting women on pedestals and developed a 'taste'. Recently however, I've radically altered my thinking on the matter - pleasuring her while not allowing her the same privilege is actually pretty powering. To my mind, it says "you're going to cum for me until you're a quivering mess, 'cause this is my domain.... You might get to return the favour next time.... maybe." A little cocky? Sure. Borderline chauvinist? Perhaps. Simple fact is she's asked you over for food, so once you've established she wants you (right there and then), give her a man and not the sensitive, inoffensive neuter I've been since puberty.


    I also think that it's good that you're thinking as much (or more) about her pleasure during a possible intimate encounter. It should be a collaboration between the two of you - two artists/scientists in their own corner of the universe.
    kaia likes this.
  3. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    I think the best option is to just be true to yourself and to do whatever comes naturally. If you're holding back on sexual contact because you have anxiety about DE, PIED, or being able to please her, she's going to know something's up. I don't think hiding anything from her is a good idea. I think that the issue isn't whether or not you should be physical with her (or how physical you should be with her), but rather about whether or not you ought to be authentic with her. The way I see it, you actually only have two options:

    1. You don't tell her about the PIED, DE, porn addiction, or any of your anxieties about having sex with her. Now, if you do this, you'll either try to be physical with her, or you won't. If you don't, she'll be left wondering why you didn't want to take things to the next level, and you'll either have to leave her guessing or lie to her. If you do, it might work out, and it might not. If it does, then that's cool, I guess, but I think you'll still be left with the weight of the idea that there's something you're keeping from her. If it doesn't, she'll be confused, you'll be upset, and you'll either have to explain things to her anyway or just make up some excuse.

    2. You tell her the truth about your situation, whatever that means to you. You might tell her that you want to be physical with her, but that you're nervous that it's not going to work out. However you put it to her, honesty gives her power in a way where she previously had none. You showed bravery by opening yourself to her and telling her the truth, and now it's her turn to make a decision about what to do next. Who knows how she'll respond? She might want to ask more about your situation, and it might be a really valuable bonding experience for both of you. Maybe she'll want to try anyway, and she'll say that she won't be disappointed if you can't get hard or can't finish. Who knows? Maybe she'll say that she really likes you, and that she wanted to take things slowly anyway because she wants to make sure you guys get it right. The possibilities are endless, so no need to keep going on and on about them. My point is that you'll never give her a chance to show you how she feels about the issue unless you tell her that the issue exists in the first place.

    It sounds like a new relationship is potentially on the horizon for you, which is a really exciting place to be. The question is: do you want that relationship to be built on a foundation of anxiety, hiding your feelings, and being overly cautious about your sexuality, or do you want it to be built on a foundation of honesty, authenticity, and trust?
    Jennica, ccml, kaia and 1 other person like this.
  4. That is a beautiful way to put it. This is what you want, and ideally what every person should want, even if it's just a hypothetical hook-up in a club toilet. As someone who has spent most of their life lying to themselves about who they are, I don't want anyone else to have cross this ocean if they don't have to. Be open and up-front, and what happens, happens.

    Quoted for emphasis.

    I think you've got a pretty clear answer @modernstore99 - we all pretty much agree you should be honest about it. If she walks, then she doesn't know what she's missing. If she doesn't, then the world's your proverbial oyster on this one.

    Knock 'em dead, Tiger.
  5. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    Last edited: Oct 26, 2018
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    @Questionite @Ridley I mean I'm totally gonna tell her if anything passed kissing/cuddling is gonna happen. I'm just earlier on in my reboot and idk if it's better or worse to have sex/be masturbated by her. I'm hanging with her tomorrow night so I'll keep you guys updated
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    Personally, I believe sex with a real person you care about during a reboot is healthy. Porn has skewed your view on sexuality, and sexual contact with a real person who cares about you just as much as you care about them is a great way to get back in touch with what sex is really all about.

    If you try things out with her, and you can't get hard or can't finish or something like that, just take it easy. Calmly explain things to her, and consider taking things slower. Lots of people on this forum have had success with karezza and other sexual activities that don't involve penetration.However, I think the number one way to deal with your sexual problems is to quit using porn.
  8. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    @Questionite @Ridley something bad happened. This girl tried to give me a blowjob, and I couldn't finish. I was pretty hard for the first ten minutes and it felt pretty good, but then it just went downhill from there in terms of arousal and enjoyment. I ended up basically MOing into to her mouth to finish, and it didn't feel that good either. I think I should reset my counter. This sucks and I don't know what to do now. I was on Day 28 so I thought I'd be ready, I was getting random boners, I was in the moment. Fuck
  9. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    Just try to relax, dude. Take it easy on yourself. Remember that there isn't necessarily a goal during sex. Just enjoy how everything feels when you're with her. Not just your penis, but your whole body. Things will get better. It's just going to take some more time. Be kind to yourself. :)
  10. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    1. Do you think I should try to have sex or nahh, even if I don't expect to finish. Part of the problem is that I don't think I can stay hard long enough to make it enjoyable
    2. Do you think I should reset my counter, I think I should
  11. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    I'm not a doctor, so I can't really give sound advice surrounding ED. All I can say is that there are lots of men on this forum who have seen great results after completing a 90 day reboot. It may work for you, but there may be other causes for your condition aside from porn usage, so unfortunately I can't guarantee anything for you. Whether or not a reboot will relieve your condition, I think it will be a good idea to do it. Cutting porn out of your life is a positive thing either way.

    As for whether or not you should have sex, it's really up to you. However, based on your story it sounds like having sex is a very distressing activity for you. Maybe you'd benefit from just taking a break for a little while and trying to gain some perspective. Just because you take a break from penetration doesn't mean you have to stop being physically intimate with your partner. You can still have a good time with each other physically. It could actually end up being really nice if you take things slower for a bit :)

    Your call, ultimately. Recovery isnt measured in days. It's measured in the way you act and the way you perceive yourself. Relax. Don't be too hard on yourself about what happened. If resetting your counter feels like the right thing to do, then do it, but it's up to you, really.
  12. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

  13. @modernstore99, I have never had a woman successfully 'blow' me to satisfaction. I've been intimate with four women, and while all of them have tried it at least once, none of them them has ever felt like they knew what they were doing. Two were enthusiastic about it, and seemed to enjoy 'giving' a lot more than the other two, and while they felt 'better', none has ever gotten me anywhere near the point of no return. I have little doubt the issues are mine, whether it's excessive foreskin that doesn't retract or something I'm not doing (I've always tried to be 'passive' during oral out of respect for the woman), who can say. I'll let you know if anyone makes a change.

    Not to make an issue out of it, but if this girl let/wanted you to do this, she likes you. A fair bit. Maybe you're a pretty guy, or have some unknown depths of confidence, or she can sense what some of us here sense - that you're a decent human being - whatever it is, this act alone sounds like she's into you.

    Resetting is a tricky thing, but as @Ridley says, 90 days will do you goof in ways you can't even appreciate yet.

    This is something it took me a long time to figure out, but from a different perspective. I started out late with women, after a LOT of rejections, so I became focused so much on her pleasure that oftentimes I didn't even enjoy myself. I'm not advocating focusing solely on your pleasure either - simply to relax. As I've said, this girl is into you, so you shouldn't worry too much about that. If you've been honest about your rebooting, I'd like to think she's understanding, and there are a LOT of things you two can do over 90 days with you taking your pants off.

    This, for emphasis.

    I'd lean towards your trying 90 days, but not being a zealot about it. You're clearly in a situation better than many of us, and who knows - at 70 days you could be popping boners worthy of the porn you used to spank to. Trust me, you're getting better, and it's an uphill battle, but imagine the view and some of the outcroppings along the way.

    As @Ridley has noted, it's a matter of personal choice. Were it me, I certainly wouldn't - a sensual act with a willing partner is something I allowed for during my reboot, whether with my (ex) wife or someone else. As we've said, but kind to yourself, relax, and understand that you're getting better.

    It does, but you've got this.
  14. outlander.9

    outlander.9 Fapstronaut

    I went thru something similar to this recently and it really sucked. It's actually what brought me here. I didn't bring it up because I was afraid to so I made up lame excuses and its very likely that it's what cost me my relationship, as I'm sure it really left her wondering what the hell was wrong with me. If I had been up front and just told her what I was dealing with, and that it was only temporary, things might have gone differently.

    If you aren't just trying to hook up and be done with it, you like her and she seems like she might stick around, just tell her what you're dealing with. Explain it to her, how it's all temporary, and tell her that you wanna do it for her. If she likes you enough to suck your dick then chances are she'll be willing to help work with you on it especially if you can give her good head and etc in the meantime.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. You're in great company, as many of us have had relationships fail because of issues surrounding PMO. In my case, I took to PMO because my wife and I had issues communicating. I'll even go so far as to say that the lack of communication was primarily my fault. I have a rough idea as to how we got to that point, why I didn't bother doing anything about it, and how something that had only been occasional for me developed into something I did daily. These are all discoveries I've made since she moved out, and are things I frankly had taken care of before I even met her. I would tell her things like "I was trying to refrain from ejaculating" or "I didn't have a great deal of sexual desire" when the simple fact of the matter was I didn't want to have sex with a lazy slob who spent all our money and thought me wanting her to dress more feminine was akin to someone taking a dump in her single-origin coffee.

    That being said, there are plenty of relationships that work out just fine after the masturbator admits to their habit/addiction, and assuming the relationship has more than just a sexual dimension to it then a mature partner can be quite understanding.

    I think @Ridley and I mentioned this above, but for emphasis, it's clear she's into you, and you like her enough to feel bad that you can't 'perform' for her the way you'd like. Assuming you've discussed this with her, understand that your recovery will take time, and that you're taking steps to become a better You.

    @outlander.9, I'm not going to lie to you - this is going to be tough, and you are not going to be perfect, but the fact that you want to change shows that you already have it in you. You're doing something that most modern men don't even think about doing.
    outlander.9 likes this.
  16. Robbin6276

    Robbin6276 Fapstronaut

    My advice, just be honest with her, follow your integrity and explain to her that you need more time before doing sexual stuff.
    I am sure if she's really into you and not just in it for the sex that she would touched that you opened up to her with honesty and she'd respect you!!!
    Truly, good girls don't have to rush into sex right away and it would be refreshing for her that you want to take it slow.
    My advice is to tell her that you can't do anything sexual yet, but you are happy to please her if she really wants.
    Also it will give you a chance to get more comfortable with each other and create a bond. Physically as well as emotionally.

    If she's any sort of a girl you want to keep around, she's really respect you for wanting to hold off on the sex. Untill you are better.
    Deleted Account likes this.

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